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Up until Monday night I knew of 6 nameless faceless persons that my husband has been acting out with. I “accepted” that as part of the SA illness. On Monday he hit me with the fact that there were 25 + prostitues, CL meetings etc. one of those persons – a swinger he had a full blown affair with. They had been on the phone talking and being physical according to him “more times than he can count” over a period of time when I asked how many he said 20,it was prob. more. That confession broke what was left of my heart. Thirty min. later he told me that he had been with his high school girlfriend as well. This was the nail in the coffin, my breaking point. We live a 10 hour drive from where we grew up. It just so happens that this person lives a 45 min. drive away now? He found her on Facebook and went to her apt. and had sex. I know it was more involved, she still had feelings for him etc. etc. They had been together breifley in HS from what I know about it, we went to different schools and 15 years ago when we first started dating I know that she ws still calling him and talking to him on the phone, I told him it was unacceptable that she was calling him and he told her to stop calling. Anyways, I just can’t seem to get over it. This hurts incredibly bad thinking that he might have been pining (sp?) for this girl the whole time wondering what “might have been” etc. When as far as I know they broke up b/c she cheated on him. I didn’t know her, I’ve only seen her once years ago in passing. Just knowing this wasn’t a nameless/faceless prostitue is devistating. I’ve been going back to this thought for the last couple days since he told me and it’s tearning me up inside. We are “separated” right now I told him he needed to find a place to live and he’s in a hotel now working on that, but we have to have visits at the house over the next couple weeks until we tell our kids and make arrangements. Anyways we’ve been talking about how he’s going to get better and be celibate, and he understands how I feel etc. I just called him to “unload” I guess, and tell him how I feel about him being with his ex, but he was at work and couldn’t talk. I shed a few tears and came to the realization that even though he knew this girl it’s all part of the same thing that is this addiction. He called back and I didn’t answer. I don’t know if I should bother him with this and bring it back up, so I posted here first. Please any help you can offer.
There must be something in the air today because I am also struggling. I can say that you are not alone. Try not to focus on him. That’s easy to say, but much harder to do. For so long now, I have been keeping my attention on him that I’ve forgotten how to keep my attention on me. It’s hard to know what I need or want. I have to actually tell myself to focus on me — it’s almost as if I have to flip a rusty switch in my brain. It’s a very odd sensation and when I am able to flip the switch, I actually feel different. More resigned, less full of angst. Repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over until you can move forward. Not sure if this helps. Best I can do at the moment. You are not alone.
spit does help. As I’m sitting here in the house that I haven’t done any housework in all week. I have everything piling up on me and all I can do is think about what he’s done to me. I’ve cried out to God asking for his help to make me forget. It’s still too fresh, but I do have plenty to do to “keep my mind off of it” thanks.
Oh, and it absolutely doesn’t help that the prettier and not obese like I am. She’s the only person that I can “picture” so it really sucks!
I’m glad you posted here. Don’t bother calling him. You won’t get what you need and he is not your support.
It is really hurtful when you think they have feelings for someone else. It’s just another way that you feel betrayed and rejected. But I don’t think these guys are really capable of having feelings or love with someone else. I think it’s more about the excitement of the chase or having someone dote on them. It’s about getting their narcissistic supply. The feelings they have for women are not normal and not what we think of when we have feelings for someone.
I don’t know if it helps you. It really helped me to realize that the loss I was mourning was something that never really existed- which is tragic but made letting go easier.
Don’t call him if you can help it. Some one posted here that it is like asking your abuser to put a bandage on the face he just punched. Stay strong. I put on show tunes really loud and clean my house or I get in bed and cry – both work relatively well to get me over the wanting and needing – at least for an hour or so.
I don’t know if this helps but these guys ( think Tiger Woods) screwed around on some drop dead gorgeous perfect women.
If you are unhappy with how you look or feel then you can start a make over project when you feel better. Your looks are NOT the reason he screws around.
I don’t care if you weigh 700 pounds, you are still too good for him.
I am so sorry…
DeeDee,,,,this is very deep wound, it is going to hurt,,,and it is going to hurt for weeks or months,,but I promise you not for ever,,,eventually all wounds heal,,,
just tend to your wounds,,take care of your wound, keep it clean, nurture your self , love your self,,,surround your self with people who love you and support youbut dont allow that sick man who wounded you to be around because he will keep that wound bleeding even if he pretends he want to help,,,
there is no easy way to get out of the pain and the hurt,,,but I promise you , you will heal and you will be much stronger than everLove .,,,,harmony
Hugs DeeDee
So sorry for the awful pain you are in right now. It is hard to see faces, I had a LOT of faces and Barbie Bodies to see, and it was so disheartening, at first.
But then, as time went on, I realized what that really meant. He was just using and discarding Barbie Bodies. Even the one he “fell in love with”, and wrote a seven page email telling she was his soul mate, please marry him and be his forever, etc, etc. etc. That letter, the fact that he was hiding calls from that whore ON OUR HONEYMOON as well as keeping in contact with her throughout our marriage, that hurt like HELL.
Well, three disclosures into the process of the sexual addiction counseling, I learned that weekend that he sent that hearfelt pleading romantic letter, the whore’s roommate called and asked my husband did he want to be ‘naughty’. He said yes. He went over there and he fucked the roommate on the balcony of their apartment, two days in a row. This is what he was doing to his “soul mate” and actually glorying in it. Oh, and the roommate, she was a whore, too. So he paid $600 to fuck his soul mates roommate while she was gone over the weekend. And laughed with the roommate about ‘getting away with it’.
Which, they didn’t. The “service” they were with slapped their hands for the roommate moving in on the other whores “business client”. LOL, even whores have higher standards than my husband. The balcony bitch almost got let go, they lost their apartment because of it because that was part of their “contract”. Truth is really stranger than fiction. Even they find his behavior unacceptable. What does that say?They don’t experience relationship like we do. It’s all about who they can use, how, and what new “supply” they can get. It’s twisted.
You are WAY too good for anyone to treat like that. Just remember, he never REALLY cared for any of them. He can’t.
I’m starting to obsess over this site, maybe it’s the support it gives me. I find myself going to sleep and waking up to it. I just want go gobble up all of the information, it’s like a manual. I have housework etc. piling up and I feel like I can’t pry myself away. My SAH has been here this week at dinner time to feed the kids luckily. Was it like that for you all in the beginning?
DeeDee,
Forget about the housework. After what you have found out I’m surprised you get out of bed. I am also VERY surprised you allow him in your home? Tell the kids he is gone on a business trip and give yourself some time to absorb the enormity of what he has done.
Is ok to be addicted to SOS. That is normal at this point in time. HUGE HUG Karen xxPS I hate your husband
And Lynn….just when I think I have heard it all about your H…you tell us something else and he is enough to make a person just hurl. God….what a sicko he is. is just mind boggling. They are all so f–king low.
Sorry to gross everyone out. I know he’s out there. But the point is, that was the woman he was “pining away for” while he was with me. And I took it hard. And look what he was doing to HER while he was screwing her three times a week and begging her to give up whoring (so he could get it for free, I guess now)!!! They don’t have consciences, well he doesn’t.
DeeDee it is normal to be on here all the time. It helps to have clarity and know you arent alone. It helped me to put pieces of the puzzle together so I could better understand what I was dealing with.. These guys will eat us alive if we dont learn how to protect ourselves by now allowing it.
God bless…I still use this site to ground me. I feel like I am at home here. The only housework I get done is minimal. SL told me long ago to quit worrying about the house. I did.
This is survival, we just do the best we can.
I still have to have someone with me at the grocery store.
I’m not positive that we do…
I can’t remember anything even if I make a list…I have borrowed dog food from the neighbors twice this week.
I discovered that I could shop at Walgreens. I try to stop everyday after school with the kids. I let them help me and I don’t get shaky. I actually have fun. I have spent a fortune but I just don’t care.
If I didn’t have to feed my son, I’d probably just starve so I wouldn’t have to go to the store.
I’m really dreading trying to buy Xmas presents and cards this year. I can’t even plan what to cook for dinner tomorrow night.
I am using Amazon. My list has been pared down and they have free shipping. Maybe I can order dogfood ..:)
We have eaten a lot of take out food these past few months. It’s a shame because I love to cook but if I go buy the weekly stuff like I used to it ends up going bad because I may plan to cook it but I can’t some nights.
I gauge my healing on my ability to grocery shop and if I can ever read a book ( non SA) again…
bev, you CAN order dog food. I get all my shipped on a regular schedule thru Petflow. 🙂
I’m surviving on crockpot meals. 15 minutes to get it started and it lasts days and days. I love to cook, too, but don’t have the heart for it right now. Or rather, my heart is unreliable. One moment I’m relatively ok and the next I’m sobbing in a heap on the rug.
DeeDee, I’ve been spending a lot of time here, too. I also wake up and go to sleep with the site. It helps a lot just to know people understand.
Also, it is NOT ABOUT YOU. Your looks have nothing to do with it. I’m fit and pretty and it happened to me, too. We could all be supermodels and these men would cheat. It’s their problem, not ours.
((hugs))
I get that, I was really having a moment this AM and someone reminded me of Tiger Woods. I unfortunately am not the cook in the house and my girls and I will have to learn to get along for awhile. Tomorrow its waffle house and after that I think I might treat myself to a treadmil…darn a budget right now.
That’s the spirit Trish. Buy the treadmill!!
Take a cooking class or get your daughters in the kitchen with you to try some recipes. My son cooks with me and it is so therapeutic.
Most days, we decide midday what to get and then run to the store and buy a few things. It’s not far.
We eat waffles a lot. And eggs and toast.
And it is not about looks. My STBX’s latest is a TOTAL SKANK. She looks like a crack whore. And I’m no model, but people frequently ask my daughter and me if we are sisters, so I figure I’m cuter than a SKANK CRACK WHORE.
Teri, you are beautiful!
And Bev, I have stopped the big grocery shopping trips, too. Mom asked me when I took her to the grocery a few days ago if I needed anything, I must as I never shop anymore. I actually didn’t even know that, and all I could say was “I just don’t have the mental inventory in my head anymore”
Odd how some things are just day to day now.
We’ll make it.
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