- This topic has 29 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
After the last confession on Tues. I asked my SAH to leave. I’m following my heart and my therapist’s suggestion to kick him out or he will never realize what he has to lose if he doesn’t change. In the future, I have hope that we may be able to make it work…yeah I know. I need to be able to look back be okay that I tried everything I could if it comes to divorce. Anyway, he currently trying to figure where he will be living, I wanted him out immediately so he’s been in a hotel for a few days and stopping by in the afternoons to see the girls (our daughters 11 and 8) after school. They are still in the dark for now until we figure things out. We are barely hanging on in the finance dept. My hours have been cut at work etc. I don’t know how we’ll manage two dwellings, but I know I want him out. This will mean doing without some of the luxuries that we might be used to cable, iphone, shopping, eating out etc. On one hand I’d like to tell him get out stay out, I don’t want you on the couch! On the other hand it’s too cold for him to sleep in his car, we don’t have any family in the area and he claims he has no friends. He’ll be home this weekend (on the couch) helping me move stuff around in the house etc. take care of some of the things we had planned to do before the confession after that I don’t know. Next saturday is my oldest’s birthday and we’ll be taking her out to dinner together and sitting them down the following week to tell them we’re separating. So I’m wondering how to move forward. Of course I want the girls to be able to see him and spend time with him, but I don’t want him coming and hanging around the house all the time making them more confused as to what’s going on and I feel awkward about him being around b/c the only thing he wants to talk about is him getting better and how he’s sorry and how he wants to pray together for our marriage. That all sounds good, but we have a long road ahead and I don’t want to let my guard down and he come back before we’re ready. Do I let him have the couch on the weekend so he can see the girls? He’s talking about sleeping in his office at night, for the time being but that might jepordize his job. Not sure what to do.
DeeDee,
After what he has put YOU threw, I say he can sleep at the office or car or whatever. He is just trying to slide back into the house. Stick to your guns. Why do we all feel so sorry for them????and want to help them? BEcause we love them, I know, but what about us? Don’t they feel sorry for us? Shouldn’t they at least be willing to give us some space so we can process all the hurt and anger? I think you need space away from him – give this time to soak in and start thinking clearly again. That is just my opinion. I know it is easier said than done.
I am saying a prayer for you right now. Ask God what your part in all this is – ask the Blessed Mother to wrap you in her mantle and comfort you and guide you.
God Bless DeeDee.
He can sell that truck that he has had his skanks ride around in or he can sleep in the damn thing. Tell him to get out and tell the girls he got called out of town. He made the mess. He has to clean it up. He figured out how to have a whole secret life for 12 years. He can figure out where to stay by himself.
You are showing him “rock bottom”. If you get sorry for him now then he will come home and know he is free and clear to continue his activities. When a wife kicks out her husband for cheating , it is NOT her problem where he stays. He is damn lucky you are speaking to him.
DeeDeed…..after my d day I threw my h out that was two years ago,,,,,we are still living apart,, I had filed for divorce couple of months ago,,,
if there is one thing i regret is that i did not have clean separation from him, he would tell me that he changed and that he loves me and the kids,,,blah blah blah so I would weaken and we would spend weekends together with the kids,,,etc,,,,
but i would discover that he has not changed,,,,etc,,,long story,,,
if i would do it all over again I would not spend any weekend with him ,,,I would not pretend here and there that we are still one family and spend time together
he never seeked any help,,,he never change deep down inside,,
so dont let him in at all until he had started recovery programs and went through it successfuly and that means true very long separation,,,,and make that separation legal,now when he is still ameanable to do things to win you and his daughters backdee dee, here are the facts:
1.he made choices repeatedly over a long period of time to do what he did, to betray you, endanger you, put your family at risk, keep it all a secret for A LONG TIME
2. He must be reasonably intelligent and able to take care of himself, because a man with only a couple of brain cells can’t pull all of that off successfully.
3. you have decided to ask him to leaveI wish I had the courage to ask mine to leave, I wanted to, but I didn’t. He left a few days ago, and now I’m trying to keep him gone, and by that I mean I am trying not to beg him to come back. I know, right?, crazy, but true, and I’m not proud of it. So, you go girl, I’m impressed.
The One thing I haven’t thought about except in passing is where he’s staying or what he’s doing, and I didn’t think about that until I read your post. I know he can take care of himself, he had to be pretty damn resilient and flexible and crafty to have all those affairs and keep them a secret. Let your husband figure out the finances, and where to sleep, maybe he can rent a bed in someone’s basement, but let him figure that out. Don’t make this easy for him, let him feel the pain of trying to stay connected his kids. Was he feeling that pain while he was betraying you and your family? Please don’t assume any of his pain or potential pain, you have enough of your own to worry about. He made the choices that got him right where he is, please let him have the consequences of his behavior, don’t share those with him, and that includes where he stays, how you afford it, and how he continues to be a DadI’m begging him to go at this point. It’s hard seeing his face and him on his knees praying, and asking if we can pray together, and him saying I miss you, and him saying I want to hold you etc. I’m not changing my mind, as my mom says once my mind is made up…i’m pretty stubborn :). as the song goes, “every woman has a breaking point”. I have officially reached mine. It’s hard not for me to “take control” again and just find him a p,ace to stay and give him the address I did break and tell him where he can start looking though. As he comes here and watches TV on the couch I think to myself, he could be looking. Oh we’ll, I guess the floors in his office ill get hard after awhile. Thanks for the support.
I’m begging him to go at this point. It’s hard seeing his face and him on his knees praying, and asking if we can pray together, and him saying I miss you, and him saying I want to hold you etc. I’m not changing my mind, as my mom says once my mind is made up…i’m pretty stubborn :). as the song goes, “every woman has a breaking point”. I have officially reached mine. It’s hard not for me to “take control” again and just find him a p,ace to stay and give him the address I did break and tell him where he can start looking though. As he comes here and watches TV on the couch I think to myself, he could be looking. Oh we’ll, I guess the floors in his office ill get hard after awhile. Thanks for the support.
Too bad he didn’t spend some time on his knees praying BEFORE he wrecked your life. What a hypocrite.
Don’t rescue him. He’s got to figure it out himself.
I can’t imagine not having anyone to call in an emergency. What empty lives these guys lead.
Oh boy I sure needed to read this today. I found myself falling backwards a little but this post and your amazing responses put me back on the path… thanks…
If they don’t care that they fuck around on us then we shouldn’t care they don’t know where to go. Let him sleep in his car. Be aloof. Be very aloof. Whenever he says he doesn’t have any place to go be aloof and respond “You’ll figure it out. Just like you were able to fuck around on me all those times without my help. You are resourceful. You will figure something out. Gotta run. Toodles” then hang up or walk away-whichever is the case.
Mine said the same thing. 52 yrs old and not one buddy to call to crash on their couch? Pretty fucking sad. Ended up at his folks both times I kicked him out.
Save Ms Nice for your kids. Give him Ms Aloof.
Just my two cents
Yep, Ms. Aloof! I’m no longer worried about where he stays I just kinda wish he’d get on with it already, so I can see how much of the budget we’ll be working with as our dollars will be screaming. We’re going to tell the kids this weekned. I can’t drag it on another week, we’ll all be together for her birthday anyways I just don’t want to send mixed messages. My oldest keeps a really close eye on us lately, asking “what are you doing” all the time and checking on us and my baby will ask him “where are you going” every. time. he turns to leave.
Well, the girls have been informed. I thought that they both took the news exceptionally well at first. They were even laughing and joking givng bunny ears and asking questions like “will I still be in dance”. My oldest immediately got on facetime and told my dad that “daddy was moving out” (she was already talking to him to she just called him back). I wish I would have been able to tell him first. They were relatively calm, SAH cooked dinner, we ate and off and on they would get teary-eyed. They pulled a #1 dad plaque out of our closet to give to him. He gathered up his clothes, they both hugged him cried a few tears and he left. Now I’m left with the carnage. They both are in their rooms crying and I can’t really face them right now just letting them have their time.
It’s not fair is it? They get to walk away and you are left picking up the pieces. Dealing with not only your pain but the pain of your beautiful innocent children. Not fair at all. I was thinking of when my dad left. He got to leave and my mom had to comfort me when she was in so much pain herself. I never thought how hard it must have been for her until recently. Of course some things she could have done differently. I’m going to ask that you please don’t destroy your bedroom set with an ax in front of your 9 year old daughter while screaming that her dad never let her a new set. Just an FYI.
Deedee, I’m sorry for your pain and your daughters’, but glad that he is gone, because you wanted and needed him gone.
Last Straw, you are a survivor, girl, and I think you are amazing. Thanks for sharing yourself.ok, I’ll try to refrain. 🙂 We actually just got a new bed an mattress unrelated and I’m sleeping pretty well here lately. I just wonder when it will hit me. I cried a few months ago with the small disclosure. I sobbed six years ago when I found the first email, but I find it hard to cry. I feel like I can’t let this man have ANY more of my tears, he’s had too many of them. I’m kind of a hard-a**, but I can’t seem to have any feelings about my current situation. Maybe their all gone. I never thought of my self of being very emotional anyways. Maybe something I’ll have to consider in counseling when I start focusing on myself… The girls are better now. They shed a few tears and now are playing wii.
DeeDee – my heart breaks thinking about how everything went but it sounds like it went as well as could be expected. Don’t be afraid to cry, if you feel the need to do that. I find that generally I don’t cry much any more either except when I have my period…and then I’m an emotional wreck for a few days. I’m trying to prepare for that better this month. Not sure what I’ll do but at least knowing that’s probably going to happen will help.
- The forum ‘Relationships’ is closed to new topics and replies.