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Hello sisters,
I’ve been at this a year, and I’ve just now started noticing some real shifts in my thinking and emotions….yeah!!!
After the herpes disclosure and reading stories on here, I’ve been detaching. Not being tied to the outcome of our marriage – one way or another. Let the chips fall where they fall. Sure – I’d prefer to have an intact family – but only if he works hard on his recovery and doesn’t relapse. I’m preparing myself for the possibility of that not happening. Imaging it in my head…etc. I feel so much better now!!
Yesterday, SAH and I went to church. Seems that the wonderful minister at our church (Seacoast) weaves sexual issues into most sermons (must be rampant out there). Anyway – he talked about how for many Christmas isn’t a happy time because perhaps they are dealing with the loss of a loved one – a spouse. And the floodgates were released in me. I realized – “Yes – that’s me!!!”. I wanted to go to the Grief group that he was talking about because that’s how I felt. I realized that the husband I thought I had – died last year. Except no one was dropping by with cakes and casseroles and I didn’t have a funeral to get closure. I was alone in my grief. So – the lightbulb went off…..so, I’ve been walking around grieving! I recognize the bargaining (he’s not really dead – he’s just “sick”), the anger (I was really annoyed with him all week), and the other stages.
Anyway – I sobbed on my way home and just wanted to go lick my wounds and grieve….but he wanted to talk about it. I did – and he opened up, too. He said that he realizes that he has to address his childhood trauma (his sponsor has been encouraging him to do that) and that he realizes that he can’t fix my feelings.
But then later that day, I told him that I was going to sign up for Survivors 2 while I’m back in CA packing up the house and he got annoyed. He said that it just reminds him of when I was going to COSA meetings, encouraging him to deal with his “stuff”. He recognized it as shame and I didn’t care!!! Yeah!!! He then told me that he doesn’t want to go to the SAA couples group tonight because he has shame.
Well – girls, in the past I would have felt disappointed, etc. but I don’t care! I truly don’t! He also said that he isn’t sure if we are going to make it……and guess what girls??? – I don’t care what he thinks!!! I just stared at him blankly and didn’t say a word. LOL. I feel so free!! I’m not taking on his shame and not getting hooked by his crap. And I can only do what I can do.
Big step, sisters. Big step!!!
Deb
How wonderful Deb. this must be truly liberating for you.
first we live through trauma, then grief.
I often wish my husband had died for the sympathy and casserole.You go, Deb! My friend gave me this great little book called “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” and it talks about losing a love not just from death but from infidelity, divorce, moving, losing a job, etc. I haven’t had a chance to read all of it but what I have read has been helpful. Some good little poems in there, too.
Jos – I hear you. The sympathy and the casseroles would have been much preferred. Instead we get staggered disclosures, denial, gas lighting, rationalization and minimization. I’ll take a fruit cake any day. In fact, instead it all was FROM a fruit cake.
Deb
and having to keep the secret!! I am so there right now! I found out that my SAH had been physical (sex) with a (one) person in June of this year, then it was 4, then it was 6, now it’s 30 plus an affair. After finding out that last tidbit something clicked in me, like flipping a switch. I am no longer afraid to live without him. I see him trying (this week) with the meeting and talking with his sponser etc. but I am just where you are in that I NO LONGER CARE about what he is doing.
DeeDee – so proud of you! You sound so strong. I woke up in the middle of the night on Saturday and had this ah-ha moment – it doesn’t matter if I find anything more…I don’t want this for my life. I don’t want to spend another 10 years wondering if I can trust him and always wonder what he’s doing and what impact this will have on my children. I am done. And low & behold, on Sunday morning, his cell phone was unlocked and I found some new evidence that supports my theory that he hasn’t stopped. I am so over this…I’m just holding out until after Xmas.
It’s progress Deb. A big step for you and I am happy for you. I know you consider yourself co dependent and you are working on it. I believe you have to allow yourself to grieve and process. You don’t have to be as mean as me but a little anger won’t hurt you 🙂
Gosh, Deb, good for you. I’ve heard that version of events before from mine, what he’s saying is that you will make it as a couple just fine if you play nicely and go along with his idea of how things should go, he wants his doormat back. So does mine. Your husband sounds like he’s testing you to see what you will and won’t accept, like “hey honey, I’m going to drop these things I’ve been doing to appease you, let’s see how you react.” Like “hey honey, you shamed me and now I don’t feel like going to these recovery things” where they probably actually work with addicts about shame.Good for you for knowing that none of that makes any sense.
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