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Hi All! After months of reading my husband is a sex addict and other marriage, infedelity forums, I finally arrived here. I attend cosa and s anon and therapy with a csat counselor. D day was June with trickle truth for a couple months. H goes to a csat counselor who is in sex addiction recovery also and H also attends 2 SAA meetings per week. Been together 25 years with one toddler who is amazing. I notice on this forum no hope, nothing positive, a lot of STBXH, divorce, separations and of those still together a general feeling of misery. The STBXH and those separating seem happier, though barely so, than the still married and living together. This is so traumatizing yes, it is unexplainable, however are there any couples who are working on it…I’m talking truly working on it and it is working or is it eventually not worth the effort and all will see the ending as only STBXH, etc. This site is great an every informative if you want insight into separation and divorce, not so if you are wondering about another way. Thanks all.
I can’t edit but meant to type very informative, not every informative..on iPad and can’t seem to navigate.
Hi Gee,
If you have met anyone who knows a way to work “really work” on a marriage that has all been a pack if lies for 19 ( in my case) years then I am all ears.My H is doing a great job on his work and his recovery. No one is happier than I am about that. I have two great kid’s to consider . I have not found a way that allows myself to be “ok” with the fact that my husband was partying with hookers while I was young , in love, and pregnant.
I am more than willing to hear another view point. IMO, it’s just not ok. And, he does not have years of “sobriety” under his belt. Am I willing to risk my life ( literally) on his word? Nope, I’m sorry, but I’m not.
If you have a success story, I would love it. I am desperate to know how a grown woman makes it past what these guys have done and keeps any shred of dignity. I would love to stay married, start over, and have a good life with my husband. I really would.
I keep getting sidetracked by the nightmare that when I am holding my first grandchild that in the back of my head I will be thinking about hookers….
Sorry if that is too negative or too honest. It’s my truth.
Gee- I worked on it, really worked on it, for 6 years after he was identified as an SA, and for many years before that as well. I tried everything. It is what it is.
There are a few of us like me that are trying to work it out but I’ve been venting lots of neg as of late. It’s hard and just like their sa became gradual starting and escalating so is the recovery, very gradual as they work to overcome it.
Some days it’s good other days its an ass whip.
You have to weed thru here and take what works for you but if you’re looking for all positive it’s not always going to be found here. That’s the reality we live with choosing to stay with a sa.
Hi .. Truth is all I can handle Bev, not looking for rose colored glasses, just ask Trish..I sent her a very informative private message. My H is hell on my earth…massage parlors…strippers galour, porn for 2 hours a day…so don’t think I’m not into reality land, finally. These SA assholes take the whole bakery, trust me, I should have posted my reply to Trish on the forum.. Just wondering if there are happy marriages here. There are in my cosa group.
Almost ALL of us who’ve been here for any amount of time worked on it–gave it all we had to give. I’m STILL trying, and I divorced him last year…kicked him out two months ago…back and forth that’s killing me slowly. So don’t make the mistake of thinking we’re a bunch of man-hating, anti-marriage, one-stike-you’re out hard asses; we’ve paid quite the dues to get to the point of surrender. Since discovery four years ago, I have yet to meet a woman who stayed with her SA and is happy.
My H’s sponsor wants me to talk with his wife ( they are happy he says). I just struggle with believing they are happy and, more importantly, what did she sacrifice to get there…
It’s hard and I am skeptical of ” happy”. Maybe the COSA folks know something I don’t. …
I don’t know how to get past the obvious right now. It has been 9 months since discovery and I have a ton if “triggers” coming up over the holidays ( the beginnings of my discovery). I fully admit that I am struggling and I am not myself.
Gee, my h strictly viewed porn and bought erotic books and movies from adult bookstores so my experience has not been as extreme as yours and the others here whose h’s had actual physical encounters. Viewing was always my gut feeling and eblaster and a veh tracker confirmed that as there were no CL ads or visits there, secret email accts, chatting, etc.
But it still sucked dealing with the lies, promises and games and him cutting me off sexually.
I know me and I know how I ended a few relationships bc I learned I was cheated on. I ended them immediately. I don’t see how y’all can keep them around or consider putting it behind you after hookers, massage palors, bar to car sex, etc.
That would be my ticket out had mine even had one encounter. There is a polygraph coming for my h after the holidays to see what I see from it. I know folks say one doesn’t know if they’d leave until they’re in that situation but I stand firm on that. I wouldn’t even consider staying. Too risky. It’s like the physical abuse rule of thumb-if they’ll hit you once, they’ll hit you twice. I believe the same for cheating whether it be an affair with a non hooker or an actual hooker.
I am not judging anyone or slighting anyone here for staying. I just know I would not. That is my personal deal breaker is all I am saying.
What pisses me off is that I consider porn the same as cheating so I’m a hypocrit for staying which baffles me.
‘But he didn’t actually get physical with another’ infuriates me that I’ve justified it to that degree.
I think the answer lies in the truth. Can anyone be truly happy and feel safe with someone they do not trust. Maslows heiarchy of needs. You can’t move up if you don’t have basic needs met. With many of these men basic needs will never be met. What’s left is a stunted relationship, very unfulling, unless you’re willing to settle for it. IMHO.
God Bev, you are soooo wise.
“what did she sacrifice to get there”….
And I also like your question about how one continues on with their SA and manages to keep an ounce of dignity.
Besides the obvious, “I have dignity all the way to the bank”, etc. (as in, you chose to stay for your own reasons and you live your own life and you dont really give a shit what “he” does anymore, blah blah) I would really love an answer to that question.
In my opinion, eventually, every single woman on this site and beyond, will come to a point where enough is enough and she will be GONE. It might be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, or longer…. But you will either be miserable (if only secretly), or you will be GONE. I see no other way out. That’s just ME, my experience, my opinion…..
I hope I am around when each of you makes that decision for yourself. Always, ALWAYS, a cause of celebration!! 🙂
gee,
i’m starting to be truly happy! it’s amazing and inspiring. my relationships with just about everyone have improved. learning to detach is allowing me to be strong and at the same time present, i can recognize my own self, and other peoples needs without taking them personally.
i have hope. hope that i will be truly free and happy soon. i have lost a lot. but i think i will gain even more.
oh and by the way, this happiness has nothing to do with DW. he continues to lie and betray me. and he always will.
my happiness does not include him. i don’t think i could ever be happy with him. what he offers isn’t real, and it’s continually and predictably hurtful.
i feel better than i have in my entire life. strong. powerful. beautiful. not all the time, but a lot of the time. and the rest of my life and relationships are lining up with that.
now we’ll see what happens in a few months when i start the divorce, i imagine life will really suck for a while. but only for a while…
re: just porn. it makes no difference to me, porn, lap dances, fucking.. betrayal is betrayal. DW’s latest slips, which he didn’t tell me about? i don’t care what they were. the point is, he is still lying to me.
the truth is what i want. and i’ll get that on my own thank you very much, DW.
Hmmm, never say never. They lie about everything. Not sure how long you have been together For Now… But I doubt Eblaster, gps, etc. have been hooked up since you met him. Its great you have confidence in what you think he has or hasn’t done… But anything is possible. And with these SA’s, everything is possible. In my opinion- no SA is better or worse than another. And even a lie detector can’t tell you everything. (ask Sharron)
The bottom line is- do you (or any of us) want to live with someone who had no problem being sneaky, lying their asses off, blame shifting, gas lighting, etc.
I said the same thing, For-Now–that I would NEVER stay with him if I found out he had been physical with someone else. Believed that with all my heart…
and remember, he wouldn’t have needed text messages or any kind of technology to hook up with someone in a “back room” at the book store. He sure was there a long time.
I just have to chime in here. For me, it didn’t make any difference whether there was actual physical contact or an affair with another woman. I saw porn and objectification of women just as damaging and unfaithful to the marriage than if Steve’s addiction would have escalated. I know we all respond to our own degree of tolerance, but to me, the damage is the same.
Same lies, same deception, same anger, same passive-aggressive behavior, and no hope of a future with the man I loved to show intimacy and love me in the way we all deserve to be loved. And to add fuel to the fire – those personality disorders will NOT go away.
I agree that how can or will we ever know the extent of acting out an SA has done. I had confessions of voyeurism in college and during Steve’s first marriage-I witnessed some of that on a very basic level. I had confessions of bbw stomping and crushing fetish’s and infliction of pain to himself dating back to college. With these kinds of engrained behaviors, why wouldn’t there be more to the story. So, I feel there is a strong possibility that we, as spouses, may never know all the details and to what degree the SA acted out. I only got disclosure in bits and pieces, as most of us do, so who knows if there may have been chat rooms, massage parlors, affairs, prostitution, etc.
Whatever your boundaries for leaving just remember that you will never be able to trust your spouse, you will always be waiting for the next ball to drop, and be well assured you will probably never know the entire truth or the depth of what your h has been engaged in. Expect the worse, and if you can live with it all the power to you, but why settle?
We have talked about this before, and I truly feel you will all only see cosmetic changes, if that. I believe, as others that we will eventually all see a massive exit of spouses – whether it be 1 year or 5 years from now. You WILL get your belly full. I did.I came back to my h about 1 month ago, and he continues to go to SAA and therapy. Some days I believe he will stay away from porn, and other days I feel that deep hollow space where trust used to be. Taking it one day at a time for now. I think the negativity we express is the only way to vent the poison, and damn it hurts doesn’t it!
Mariann – Yes, it does hurt probably more than anything we have ever had to deal with in our lives. It does help to vent, and unfortunately most of our stories are negative because that is how our stories played out. we have been there-done that, and we don’t want to see our sister’s endure what we have been through. But, mostly we tell it like it is and the facts speak for themselves.
I wish you the best and sincerely hope things work out for you, but please keep in mind you have a very long road ahead of you I hope you will continue to verbalize the good with the bad, and the ugly. We are all here for you.SL, I have known him 7 yrs, married 6. I am aware of what goes on at bookstores and even posted some reviews here of his awhile back. Yuck!!!
I know I won’t know everything but I am dying to do the polygraph. Sadly it’s more of a curiosity thing than anything for me.
I can only go by my gut feelings and having been cheated on by others. I didn’t and don’t have those with him but I know it’s possible, anything is.
He was in that bookstore 70 mins on Mar 10th. His activities there do still have me wondering at times. Blehhhhhh!!!!
Sharron, my good? My daughter who is not yet 3, but was told I should put her into a gifted program by a school psychologist, she is under going testing. So see I do not work, am a stay at home mum who is devoted to my daughters intelligent and emotional success. My h was my life for 25 years. He was my best friend, my mother, my father, my brother, my higher power, my everything. I am almost 50. I naively gave my life to a closet SA..he pretended to be anti porn, even won a lawsuit years ago against an employer regarding porn at work, pretended I was the love of his life, said I was the reason for living, engraved a quote inside the wedding band, was home every night, ETC. I was so played, see. He is the best at everything he tries, he really is, and he was the best at the gigantic betrayal. See, he did all the acting out during lunch time so I’d never find out. And the porn, was also during times which could never be found out. Crafty son of a bitch, and yes, mother in law is quite the bitch. So I have to stay. I hate him with all I am. But I love my daughter more. She is a miracle child, to have a child naturally at this age. So you see, my dear girls, I have no choice but to hate, yet find a way, for at least 5 years. So I will be searching for answers, all of them, the good, the bad, and the ugly, here, my groups, books, therapy, and from my ass hole SA. Thanks and be patient with us newbies…we are struggling too, just also, possibly more hopeful in the beginning. Also, because I know the whole story, yes, some of us can, I believe, know the whole story of the betrayals, I can hope for a workable future. Gee
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