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I regrettably went shopping yesterday, while I was there, I saw a woman who looked exactly like how I imagined the strippers looked like – blonde, amazing hair, very tanned, perfect toned body, great legs. I couldn’t stop looking at her, because she was literally them to me. It was difficult standing near her and feeling like absolute utter shit, it brought my mood down for the rest of the day/night and I felt disgusting, pathetic, hopeless, ill, betrayed.
In my gut I knew they were like her, but I hoped and wanted desperately to believe they weren’t. SA had told me prev night before 11th anniversary that they were mostly the “girl next door” type, normal girls, nothing amazing, and had insisted that I was more attractive than them, and kind of on their level. I had been in full question mode because triggered by the anniversary. As always, he said he prefers “petite” women like me, and likes small breasts (I am only an A-cup and always been self-concious about that all my life), and that pale skin looks softer and nicer. Also, the time he spent with all 30 strippers was nothing special, he always had enjoyed spending time with me more than them – if he had been given the choice of having a nice dinner with me or go to strippers, he’d have chosen the dinner with me. He didn’t care what they looked like, it was just all about the nudity (SA is a wannabe “nudist”).
After I came home last night, he had tried to call me all day and I hadn’t answered. He tried to call me more at night. He texted and asked if anything was “up” and then this:
“Was just trying to call you to see if you wanted to talk. I hope you are okay, I’m really worried and have really bad anxiety that you’re not and really struggling.”
I then texted back – “I saw one of your strippers today. I KNOW what they fucking look like. You liar. They are more attractive than me as opposed to what you claimed – the lie of the century – and you must think I’m a gullable idiot or brain damaged to believe they weren’t. Don’t text back and lie to me again.”
“No I don’t take you for an idiot, not one bit. First can you let me in to what has happened? As for being more attracted to you, I do still believe I was back then. I viewed the strippers and you on different contexts. What I mean is that with them, sure, I did see them as attractive, but it was in a totally lustful and objectifying sense. I do feel that I had more of an attraction to you, also in a more positive sense. I know that you will struggle a lot to believe what I am saying, but this I think is the clearest way I can describe it. I’m unsure if my mind during the lap dances may have thought differently, but I’m not going to rule it out. Lust does awful things to an addicts mind as we both know, so, as hard and painful as it is to admit, during those times there was the potential that I thought that some were more attractive. It is definitely not what I choose to believe one bit today, absolutely not, and even looking back, if I did find them more attractive, I think that I would probably remember their faces, but that part is almost completely blank, give or take some basic features. I hope I’m making some sort of sense here, because I’m finding it difficult to try and explain it all to you. This is really hard for me to talk about, as you’d probably know, but I think it’s probably the clearest way I could describe it. Seeing you last night, seeing your beautiful face light up when you saw the flowers, made me think about how foolish and idiotic I have been for so long. I miss some of those simple moments with you, and feel that my addiction has ruined the innocence that these moments have.”
I then called him and said stop the hypothetical “potentials” and cut to the damn truth. The facts. Tell me to my face.
He then revealed – yes, he thought they were more attractive than me. Why?!?! I asked. He took forever to tell me the truth – said he didn’t want to hurt me. I was so fucking sick of ALL the lies, I inisted for the truth. He found them more attractive than me because they had medium sized breasts, tanned skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. And their pretty faces. The lap dances were the absolute time of his life, every time he thought “wow, she has the BEST body” and he wanted to have sex with them. They were amazing looking, not ugly, not the every day average girl. They were Victoria Secret models. The super hot ooze sex appeal category. Which he said he considers me in a different category. I’m not one of those girls.
I know I’m going to be told I shouldn’t have asked etc etc, but I believe he owes me the truth. I’m sick of living in fakeness and fairyland, the truth exists regardless and it’s important for me to seriously know.
The thing is, I thought I was one of “those girls” to him. I had a lot of insecurites and have always wanted plastic surgery throughout my life, but I thought a lot of it was in my head and that no matter what I was beautiful to him. I felt/feel revolted that throughout our relationship before D-day I had been fucking deluded to believe that I was beautiful to my partner, and special, hot, sexy, and I truly thought he was proud and excited to be with me. That I was the pinnacle to him. Of course I’m no VS supermodel, far from it, but I thought I was the best he could ever get. Everything I thought was so wrong and fake reality.
And I hate that he fooled me with the lies – pale skin, small breasts.
And before anyone says of course I’m better than them and to not buy into his view of beauty…. I know I am intellectually, emotionally, spiritually better than them. I certainly know that. But my physical looks have always been important to me over the years. Is it wrong to want to be physically lusted over by your partner??? I don’t think so. I want that. I thought I had that. Plus before D-day, that’s always been my “version” of what I find beautiful, and have wanted to look like all my life, so it stings even more.
I feel dead. At least I got the truth. But it’s the death of what I thought I had. Even despite the addiction, I thought throughout the years I was his “type” and that he was extremely attracted to me. I mean why would he be with me if he wasn’t!!? It makes no sense. Why the hell bother?? WTF right?
The flowers he gave me on anniversary – they were a gratitude gift for my support since discovery. Last night I punched them and stood on them.
I have been crying and my head feels like in a deep fog.
I feel gutted and I HATE him.
I appreciate everyones replies to my update before, too. The strippers have haunted me for 2 years – intrusive thoughts, images, flashbacks. Oddly, now I’m in the midst of this deep fog, they have stopped for the past 12 hours. It’s like my brain can’t take any more, and frozen that part.
oh victoria,
you know, he is turned on by an illusion. by something that isn’t real. if he had a real relationship with any one of those strippers, he would soon be telling them that they aren’t his type.
it’s the unattainable, the abstract that he wants.
here’s an example.
DW watched to music videos. one turned him on, one didn’t.
one was an excerpt from a david lynch film. the point about the film was debauchery, and how bizarre that can get. it was purposely not sexy, even though there was a very beautiful woman in the film.
the other was a music video. intentionally sexy. professional, glossy production. moderately attractive woman.
guess which one turned him on?
it’s not that actually woman they want, it’s the gloss on the magazine cover…
i’ve told this story before – the first month after d day, i was in new york. billboards everywhere, beautiful sexy models. i was completely freaked out. then i went to the MOMA and saw an exhibit of cindy sherman photos. huge floor to ceiling photos that completely deconstruct and demystify cultural stereotypes. INCLUDING the harlot, the model, the stripper, the prostitute..
best thing i ever saw.
these are ICONS. these men are fucking in love with STEREOTYPES for christ sake.
as soon as any of these women become real to them, someone you might need to have an actual conversation with, wake up in the morning with, have children with, have a 20 year relationship with, i guarantee you, they won’t be wanted anymore, and the compulsive illusion seeker will be looking elsewhere.
it isn’t REAL girlfriend. what he wants isn’t REAL.
you are real. and you are beautiful. he is too stupid to see that.
i’m sorry that he is such a dumb ass dickwad stupid fuck.
Yeah, the other women may be “prettier.”
So the fuck what?
I don’t care who you are, or who I am, or who any of us is…SOMEONE will always be “prettier.”
A genuinely good man will recognize this fact, but he will not care. He will not act. He will not want. He will commit and love. You. Me. Us.
Not the goddamn stripper who is such a fucking loser that she can’t or won’t make money any other way. You’ve hear that “pretty is as pretty does?” Well. You already said that those strippers are ugly as sin…and so is any man who fails to recognize that.
I know, I know. You already know you’re better. But you want to LOOK better. I have been there. God, have I been there! My first husband had me panic-attacking and having to pull over just because I saw an attractive woman on the sidewalk…and he wasn’t even in the car!
It was a long road back from there, but I know now — yes, even in the light of my fucking recent-XSAH discovery (3 weeks ago yesterday) that a real man will see and appreciate and value my beauty –yeah, my PHYSICAL beauty — over all others.
If he doesn’t, it’s his problem. Not mine. Not yours.
(((HUGS)))
I get what you’re saying Victoria. Unlike you, I’m not a very attractive woman at all. I know that. I look in the mirror when I’m getting ready in the morning and then do my best to avoid doing so the rest of the day. The absolute most painful thing that’s happened to me during this whole process was finding a letter my H wrote to his first affair partner extolling how pretty she was (he said how pretty she was when he saw her in the light so maybe she was a stripper too when he met her, like his second affair), how beautiful her eyes were, her fantastic body, how sexy she was, how attraced to her he was, on and on. The most he’s said to me in years is “you look nice.” Even though I know I’m not pretty, I wanted HIM to find me beautiful. It’s all the validation I wanted or needed. To have all his admiration and compliments go to that skanky bitch who was trying to break up my marriage was the worst betrayal of them all.
Since D-Day he stopped complimenting me – for me to get a simple compliment like “you look nice today” when we’d meet and see each other (separated since d/day), it was like getting blood out of a stone. He claims it’s because he didn’t think I’d believe him anyway so he didn’t bother – even after all he’s put me through. Now I’m thinking that’s utter BS and he just doesn’t think there’s anything worth complimenting.
I am not very attractive at all, far from it when I look in the mirror. But I thought I was to him. All those years, he made me falsly believe I was.
Victoria, I get triggered when I see a woman that looks like my idea of an escort. I see them often in the finest stores. I used to think they were trust fund kids. My kids went to school with trust fund kids. I now see the difference. My husband’s counselor told my husband for the disclosure to offer to show me the faces of the three prostitutes he saw the most. I did not want to see the beauty our money could buy. He went on trips with model-quality prostitutes (very expensive). I am 54 years old. I’m average looking, but I’ve never had issues with my looks because I grew up in a household that was healthy about looks. I cannot possibly compete with 20 year olds. Weirdly, I feel more attractive now than ever. I guess I’ve never been exposed to so much darkness as the SA exposes you to, and I realize how much I live in the light and how beautiful I am because of that. I think your husband was trying hard to say that you, as a total picture, is really what he is attracted to. These women don’t hold a candle to you. They are nobody, even to him.
Like LisaK said, SA’s are attracted to icons, cultural stereotypes. This is all about fantasy. The sad thing for me is to realize my once truly spiritual husband, numbed his emotions so much during a really tough time and lost his ability to feel any emotions. He lost his spirituality, detached from his family, and bought into this crude, cultural shit because he was afraid of being vulnerable and facing these tough times head on. I have no idea, but I guess if you lost all emotional attachment and you couldn’t feel anything, it would feel pretty good to feel high from that anonymous sex and lustiness. Almost like an emotion. In the end, it is and was completely meaningless and so was your husband’s activity. Take care of your beautiful self.
Wow! Interesting post with so much heart felt emotion! It just breaks my heart. 🙁
My two cents- and this is from a different perspective but extremely relevant to me because of all the wasted years, tears, frustrations, etc.
I spent 17 years in my marriage trying to look my best! Hmm… He is having [another] bad day…. I need to clean the house, put on lipstick, drop 20 pounds, go buy new clothes, drop 20 more pounds, fix him a great dinner, be a submissive wife, 20 more!! Get a boob job (never did), buy sexy under clothes, blah..blah…blah….
In reality, after D day- the man was screwing 3 and 4 hundred pound ugly women!!! NO LIE. To compete, I would have to gain 200+ AND take an ugly pill!!! WTF??!!
All the while, before I “knew”, but I knew SOMETHING- I was constantly triggered by beautiful women!! I would see one and think… God, I hope HE doesn’t spot her out!!! Wtf??! This is no way to live and I couldn’t stand it!
Well…. The rest is history…..
Moral of the story tho- LET IT GO Victoria! It is never gonna make any sense! Ever!!! You are only damaging yourself and you have so many great qualities!! He is a jackass. I couldn’t stand hearing the things he was saying – even if you WERE asking!!! Just quit talking to him. It’s not worth it!!!!
Lots of love,
SL
Victoria – you ARE beautiful, inside and out. I know that to be true.
Everyone’s idea of “attractive” is different. Not all of us can be Victoria Secret models. Thank goodness. We should try to be our best (inside and out), but life gets in the way.
My SAH thinks that slim, grey haired women in their 70s, with cleavage is attractive. God love him. Do I compare myself to them? No way. I am who God intended me to be (well – less some pounds, but who is counting?)
Victoria – I worry about your self-esteem. Are you going to therapy? Loving yourself for who you are? I know that’s hard with an SA involved – but try. You are breaking my heart.
Deb
Victoria, I so understand. In the gym it was the Eastern European girls, I had to change department stores, the beach in the summer was torture.
Ultimately it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you seek help. I don’t know for sure – perhaps this is where the emdr will help.
I know that you need to break your thinking patterns and focus on the strengths you have that these cardboard cut outs don’t have you can move back to finding you.It’s a recover Victoria project you need… See Diane!
You ARE beautiful – you are real x
I apologize if this comes across as insensitive, but it would be better if they were 400lbs-ers and granny’s. I wish my SA liked them instead. I would just think he was royally fucked up and feel SO much prettier and better than the freaks he cheated with. At least I could look in the mirror and feel good still. It’s extremely harder when they’re beautiful models – that are your OWN ideal image of beauty even before you ever met him, who you always wished you could look like for years.
What’s worse, he actively conned me all this time to trick me into believing I was his ideal beauty – “I prefer small breasts – they’re perkier, your’s are good”. “I like pale skin, it looks more softer than tanned skin.” etc etc. All the lies!
I had low self esteem entering the relationship, then he built my self esteem up! For nothing! All fake! So yeah, my self esteem is right down to the ground now.
Victoria,
A man who cheats, lies, decieves, who’s been with many strippers…. Mine was with 500 prostitutes and misc. skanks. With those odds I’m sure some beat me in the beauty department especially since he progressed to 18 yr olds. I’m 54 wouldn’t get thrown out of bed for eating crackers, but I’m no beauty queen. Beautys only skin deep. Just the cover on the book. We are so much more than our looks. My xh infidelity was so desperate at times I saw the ugly pictures. Some he agreed to meet for sex were based on a crotch shot only and it sure wasn’t pretty (Willie Nelson). Really I don’t care what these woman looked like because of what it all entails, a bunch of cheating people, no values, no morals…..there’s nothing pretty about that. It’s all pretty ugly.Hi Victoria ( love that name – it’s my daughter name too 🙂
Nap, I so love you – your take on things is always spot on! And you always make me laugh 🙂
Victoria, I truly undnernstand and am so sorry that your self esteem is hurt by these triggers. I hate what these men do to us.
I agree with NAP and I also think that part of the dynamics why we are so deeply hurt is that we have a different value system than our SA’s. Having sex with anybody and everybody is just something that we will NEVER truly understand because we are not wired that way – thank GOD!
And, I know this is difficult to embrace especially when we are so wounded by it all, but, their opinion of our beauty & whether they desire us is really not relevant because whether they are into trannies, grannies, plus size women, plastic beauties, strippers, the hot tramp in their office, you name it – they are just not HEALTHY – emotionally or sexually. but, the thing that really gets to me is that they move right along to the next whore or relationship and we are left to deal with the wreckage and of course, our self esteem is in the toilet – whose wouldn’t be after dealing with this BS.
Love & hugs,
DeborahVictoria, it is a fact of life that there is always somebody out there more attractive than we are. It is impossible for the greatest most trustworthy man on the planet not to find another woman more attractive than his wife.It is just a fact. I can name a number of men that are more attractive than my husband. It never made me have sex with any of them.
My H has been cheating and using porn etc since before we met. I will gladly send you pictures of my younger self and I promise you that I was every bit as attractive as any escort or stripper. Now, in my ‘old age’ I cannot compete with 25 year olds. But, this didn’t start when I ‘got old’.
My point is that just because he thought that some woman was more physically attractive than you is no reason to hang him or feel bad about yourself. The reason to hang him is the fact that he cheated on you with these other women.
If monogamy is dependent upon whether we find someone more attractive then we can all give up.
I can do a google search right now and find thousands of men for sale that are way more attractive than my H. I could have when I was 25, 30, 40….. I wouldn’t pay them to have sex with me. He paid women to have sex with him.
I know it is hard. But it is impossible to be the most attractive woman on the planet all the time to ensure your husband doesn’t stray. Now, that’s just silly.
If you really want to get to him then start you apicture folder of naked guys with perfect young bodies and very large dicks. He will understand how you feel 🙂
Victoria- I feel so bad for what you are going through. Everything about why and how they did this to us is so incredibly painful and personal, even though they somehow don’t think it should be.
I don’t think I can add much accept to say that it is time to start using your personal boundaries. Do not take this stuff in- it is pure poison. What he did makes no sense. It is not about you. Don’t let him hurt you any more. Don’t let him beat you down, take your self esteem. You are better than that. You are perfectly imperfect, as all humans are. You have a right to be celebrated and loved for who you are. What he said shows how fucked up he is- that’s all.
Believe me, it’s just as horrifying to realize your marriage of 17 years was blown to pieces and terminated over the fact that your husband would NOT stop screwing VERY plus size, ugly women. The kind you don’t take home to Mama.
Oh Victoria, I hate hate hate what these guys do to us and our sense of self-worth and ability to trust. I know too well what you are going through, and wish I had the right words to make it all better, but it just sucks. But I do believe that it gets better, and that while the triggers still pop their nasty little heads up from time to time, they start to lose some of their power over us with the passage of time. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug. xoxo
victoria, i understand. believe me, i understand. this ‘addictive’ behaviour (if you want to call it that, i’m not convinced) hurts like no other. i’m so sorry.
I love what Penny said “I guess I’ve never been exposed to so much darkness as the SA exposes you to, and I realize how much I live in the light and how beautiful I am because of that”. That is so important to remember – this is probably why our SAs were attracted to us in the first place – we are good, decent, loving people. They are the exact opposite of that. And these whores that they fuck have no souls. Their physical beauty may meet some sort of westernized standard of beauty but they fuck horny nasty men for a living! You live a life of integrity…and that is what makes you beautiful.
Just think about it…If you had decided ( for whatever reason) to devote your life to fucking men for money then wouldn’t you work on your body constantly, have a boob job, keep your hair it’s natural shade of platinum, be very limber?? Of course you would, it would be your JOB.You would be botoxed, waxed, sculpted, dyed, and boobed.
Waste of time to be jealous of hookers..IMO.
Victoria, I’m so sorry for your pain,honey. i really don’t think it’s unreasonable or too much for us to expect that our husbands, who took vows to love and cherish us for the rest of our lives, find us beautiful at every age and mean it. I torture myself, too, with stalking my husbands former affair women on the computer and looking at their pictures and how attractive and accomplished and intelligent and happy and real they look, and that’s the part that bothers me, they look like real women, women who might be my friends, except for the obvious, having an affair with a married man scenario going on. They don’t look like strippers or escorts, sometimes I find myself wishing they did. They aren’t 400 pounds or ugly, I have often wished they were. They were women I might look at their pictures and say, they look fun and interesting, they’d be fun to sit down and chat over a cup of coffee with. And I hate that. What I learned from the responses above to your post is that whoever our husbands cheated with, it wouldn’t be the “right” person, or type, we might always think it would be better if he had chosen A instead of B. I know I have spent since discovery day thinking that. This post and the responses to it have really opened my eyes about this a little more. When my husband left a couple of weeks ago, I forced myself to go cold turkey on the stalking of these women, particularly the last one. It’s like a form of self torture, horrible. After d-day, I asked him what it was about her that drew him to her, and he said, any man in the room wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off of her and I thought 1. WTF? and 2. OMG! Why did I ask and now I have those words in my brain and this is a man who hasn’t mentioned me and the word beautiful maybe ever, I think pretty is as far as he went, and that was probably 15 or 20 years ago. the irony is that I feel attractive when I’m not with him.
I think everyone of us, as the women we are, is beautiful, and we all deserve to be with a man who believes with every cell in his body that we are beautiful to him.
Sorry this is so long, I’m having a really tough day today, and Victoria, thank you for posting so honestly and maybe it will get better like everyone says it does. I’m hoping so, too.
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