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I had a interesting conversation with my therapist yesteray. She mentioned that as my SAH is in recovery and dealing with ways to cope and changing behaviours etc. he’s going to be missing the “rush” that the SA lifestyle affords him. The planning and plotting and getting away with etc. She says the way his brain is made up, he likes putting himself in life threatening situations and this is something that won’t go away. So she suggest extreme sports, sky diving, mountain climbing etc. to give him something to look forward to and get excited about so he could have that same “rush” feeling now that he doesn’t engage in his other activities. Has anyone ever heard of this? I think she makes a great point! She equates it to dieting and feeling deprived, you have to get something that’s healthy to get excited about and can be satisfied eating if you don’t, you keep wanting that one thing that you can’t have. I’d love to hear your views on this.
He should be excited that his wife is speaking to him and he should put all that plotting and planning time into building human relationships and working thru his bullshit.
Having human interactions where true emotions are shared is exciting and fulfilling. It’s not your job to find him fun activities so he won’t pursue other women.
IMO, he needs to be comfortable when things are not so exciting. That is how real life works. I have to do some laundry today and it does not excite me. I do not have to go skydiving to get the laundry done without screwing the UPS guy.
It amazes me that these guys spend their life being led around by their penis and then we are expected to help them. I would change therapists.
Yes, when someone diets they probably crave a snickers bar and they have to decide whether to have it or find an alternative. But, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if you eat that snickers then no one is hurt but you. I find comparing screwing hookers to eating candy a very lazy and insulting metaphor.
That being said, if you want him to go skydiving then go for it. Make sure the life insurance policy is paid up.
Church. Truth.
Bev, love it.
Deedee, your therapist is a little off base here. Extreme sports are just another addiction and a bit reckless and stupid IMO.
One question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately is why would I want to stay or help the nutjob I’m married to? Do I want to be with someone that needs a perpetual “high” to stay faithful to me? Fuck that. Just FUCK THAT. He will meet some chick skydiving and fuck her on the plane right before they jump. That’s what these fuckers do.
In life we have to deal with being bored. We have to feel uncomfortable sometimes and we have to work through it.
I’ve had to practice that, because having depression, I’m often bored. It’s an anxious and uncomfortable feeling. You know what though? I won’t die because I’m bored. It’s just a feeling. It goes away.
Like Bev said, you do what you want but make sure the life insurance is paid up.P.S. if that is part of his brain that “won’t go away”, well perhaps he needs to “go away” from you.
I don’t know, Deedee. The therapist sounds a bit off base to me.
I think an SA is much more likely to fall back on something that’s a lot easier and provides a quicker numbing effect than any sport. Alcohol is the obvious choice.
Sports require “running to.” SAs are experts at “running from.” Huge difference.
I’m confused. Why is your therapist talking to you about what your husband needs? Cause that was probably a minute or two that she could have been talking to you about what you need?
Love that post, Bev.Bev – hahahahaha, I laughed so hard at your post while swallowing coffee that I had coffee come out my nose. Sorry if that’s too gross for this early in the morning, but I keep laughing when I think of screwing the UPS man whilst folding laundry because I wasn’t able to skydive this morning. HAHAHA
no kidding.
It’s just another version of asking us to solve the problem, and stick around while we discover it’s not going to work.Your therapist is somewhat right that they need to “soothe” and their pleasure center is activated…
But IMO, they need to work on healing the childhood crap – and then learn how to SELF-soothe – not through adrenelin rushes.
I just had a visual of Carnes and his followers in a skydiving star formation…with his squirrely little smile. Does he know how much we love him?
Deb
It’s all funny until we consider DeeDee paying a therapist to convince her that this is a great idea. She can’t afford a separation from her H. He bought a truck that drained the finances and does not want to sell it. She has a son that is so troubled that he was sent away to an alternative school. So, Hey, great idea…send the damaged child away and let somebody else deal with him and take fucktard skydiving?
I can’t tolerate that kind of insanity. I am not anti help for the men. I am anti abuse for the women and children.
He should be so damn busy making amends to that boy for being a shitty father that he does not have time to blink much less mountain climb or skydive.
I’m sorry if I have crossed the line DeeDee. I meant everything I said but I can shut up and you can tell me too. I won’t be offended.
Your therapist has literally just diagnosed your husband as a sociopath. Sociopaths are incapable of feeling emotions so they seek dangerous outlets to try to simulate some sort of a rush that they interpret as emotion. Usually it does not work, so they continue their never ending quest for that elusive ‘feeling’.
That’s why sociopaths can kill in cold blood, leave a loving wife and children or blank out when we cry or rant.
Usually the only emotion a Sociopath is capable of is anger and rage.
They do not make safe or healthy house mates. ~ JoAnn
I think the therapist should tell him to grow the hell up, rather than help him find ways to get ‘high.’ And Bev..damn.. laughing my head off. 🙂 xoxo
If he needs a life-threatening situation, I bet Deedee could figure one out for him for free at home.
The things the therapist said about how they get off on the planning, anticipation, getting away with it……Sickening. I mean REALLY? It’s sickening that someone gets their jollies planning how to cheat on the woman trying to love them. I would hope he went sky diving and became one of their statistics. Also agree her advice is lame. Love the other comments. Bev, you crack me up.
I think your therapist is right about getting off on the plotting and planning and the secrecy…we all know this disease is not only about sex so they must be getting their high in other aspects to it as well. Where we all disagree is the prescription to go do extreme sports – you SAH needs to fix the here & now and worry about how he’s going to cope on a day to day basis like Bev said. Normal guys do not go out and screw whores b/c they were upset with the day-to-day routine of life. Sorry, boys, life is not always shits & giggles…get over it!
Bev, your comment was so funny in part because I was doing my laundry while I read it – where’s the UPS guy? (Actually my UPS guy is the husband of one of my good friends so it’s gonna have to be the FedEx guy). And Jos, by all means we get to pack the chute!! LOL What I can’t get over, aside from the general insanity of it all, is the EXPENSE involved in extreme sports like sky diving. I mean, all the money spent on porn and strip clubs and whatever wasn’t enough? Now we have to pay for extreme sports too? No. He can sit his ass at home with me and work on jigsaw puzzles. That’s as extreme as his life is going to get in the next…forever. And that’s if I let him move back home at some point. And I expect him to be grateful for that opportunity.
LOL! Jigsaw puzzles! Yes, thanks to Diane’s recommendation I do them now to relax and they cost like 5 bucks. He can do JIGSAW puzzles too!!!
The cable guy came out the other day and he was this cute kid (probably 25) and I thought…hmmm, maybe I should…nah, that would be right up SAH’s alley. I have too much self respect for that.
“I do not have to go skydiving to get the laundry done without screwing the UPS guy.”
Priceless. We should have a wall of words of wisdom.
My SA does do extreme sports so I’m not sure that’s a solution in and of itself. I think it’s more what Deb said — finding something to soothe themselves.
I keep thinking of guns today. I am not sure why.
I’m throwing the bullshit flag on needing a dangerous outlet to replace “thrilling” sa activities.
He needs to learn to change that thinking and rewire his brain. That’s what he needs to be doing.
for-now I 100% agree with JoAnn’s comment. My partner is a diagnosed sociopath and exhibits the same thoughts and behavior patterns. He doesn’t go sky diving, but he is not happy unless he is going 200 km + on his motor bike. Through therapy I now know that one of the things that got him off in his SA was the adrenalin rush of the risk of getting caught. The rush of potentially ruining his family drove his addiction. I totally agree with Bevs comments. I think you should seek a different therapists opinion as life does not work like that. That’s just replacing his addiction, not re wiring his brain to be normal and rational.
Much love
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