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I have not posted for awhile. I hope all my lovely sisters are making it through the holiday season in tact and strong.
the holidays — my first year out and living seperate. well, a mixture of hope and melancholy to be sure. i get glimpses and longing of the old life– before d day. and then i embrace the new and feel the hope to love again — meet someone.
any hoo–i know this. perhaps someone can relate– where on earth did my values go in this marriage? where ? where ? where? are they ? under the tree? the north pole?
i just keep thinking about xsah’s sense of marriage. no boundaries–no faithfulness, lies lies lies, money spent all on him, always living on eggshells, wondering when the next angry episode would come, me accpeting blame and guilt for things that have nothing to do with me.
what about me? I have some Christian values that are important to me. like, love, committment, faithfulness, kindness forgiveness. none of these things were practiced. i was trampled over and over, and yet felt the need to stay. and i had no idea what I had married.
what a dark spiral it was– that relationship. and so powerful.
i want my values back. my precious jewels. that I treasured. since when does a man have the right to treat a woman like crap, ignore every vow–and ask for acceptance and “forgiveness” so he can continue it. not one ounce of my values are represented in that. not one.
i have not existed in years. amazing. i just wish i could understand how it happened and for sooooo long –i wish someone could explain. it makes no sense.
i can’t wait for 2013. i have plans, ladies. plans indeed. Santa’s coming, with a bag full of getting my sexy back. i am so sick of feeling old and unattractive from all this shit. sick of it. done with it – done done and double done.
Merry Christmas all–may our hearts rejoice, even still.
Awwww…. Great post Pam!!
I think your values have been there all along. You are very clear about what they are. I think the fact that you really wanted to keep your family in tact played a big role in what you were willing to accept from that idiot. No one can fault you for that, sister.
But you are wiser now and full of hope! Yes dear, I believe that 2013 just might be your year! You know I’ll be pulling for you!!
Merry Merry Christmas, Pam! I am so proud of you in so many ways!!
Love,
SL
You’ve already got it back, Pam. Not sure you ever lost it. Just because we don’t acknowledge something, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Way to go, Pam! Your values were always fine. I think we just fall into a habit of lowering the bar as far as how we think we need to be treated. Happens so slowly..and in some cases without any real overt proof.. that we have no idea what is happening to us and we just adjust to the new ‘normal’..which is anything but. Made me smile to think of Santa bringing you a bag of sexy. You’re on your way, girl! xoxo
Pam, you are always an inspiration. Trust us when we tell you. You really are.
Your life is rebooting. The values are there.
hugs,
d.Great post Pam! I’ve missed you. I think sometimes we get lost in the forest and then if were lucky we ‘get found’. It’s quite a journey out of the forest, but once were out we know we’d never go back in. No matter what. There’s our values, waiting for us outside the forest. Reunited, never to be lost again.
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