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I hope this is the right place to post this.. if not please point me in the right direction.
I am new. My name is crystal. I am married for almost 6 yrs. and a mom of 3. I should have known from the beginning that my husband had some problems. but we didnt meet in a traditional way so i didnt think any thing of it. And now almost 6 yrs later and many tears.. i come here looking for people that know and understand the feelings and pain that i hold in. 🙁
So sorry you are here Crystal. It is a nightmare if you find your husband is a SA. These women understand and can help you. Many hugs and prayers for you. (((((((hug))))))
You are in the right place Crystal. I’m glad we got to “talk”. You have sisters now. Don’t feel alone.
Hello Crystal, welcome new Sister! You don’t ever have to be alone again, we’ve got your back…. Try and get some rest tonight if you can, we’ll tackle that SA husband problem tomorrow. 🙂 Love, Liza
Welcome to the love train Crystal! We will love you and care for you and hold your hand each step of the way. We “get” the whole crazy thing [unfortunately]. We also understand that most people have NO CLUE what you are up against… And that is if you even dare tell anyone! Sigh….
Through this site, you will learn and understand just what you are up against and many useful tools and advice to help you cope with this mess. You will NEVER be alone again! XO!!
Love,
SL
Hi, Crystal,
Welcome to SOS. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have come to the right place because we all know the pain of finding out a partner is a SA. Please make yourself at home. We are here for you.Hello Crystal,
Welcome to the sisterhood. I am thinking about your precious new baby and how sacred this time is for mother and child. Try not to let your husbands behavior take that away from you. Take good care of yourself and your little ones. Read the stories here and you’ll see you are not alone. Share when you are ready.
Love, Debora
Hi Crystal,
This is a place where the sisters do understand and will share and listen and love. Welcome hugs
Hi Crystal,
This is a place where the sisters do understand and will share and listen and love. Welcome hugs
LynnG
Hi Crystal,
We’ve all said, at one time or another, “I should have known”. We all go through that period of time where we feel so damn stupid that all this crap went on behind our back and we didn’t have a clue.
We aren’t stupid; we are trusting, loving souls, who want to believe that this world and the people in it are as honest as we are.
You are the farthest thing from being alone because you are now a part of the sisterhood and we take care of everyone who comes here.
We are all in different stages of our own recovery and our stories are sometimes very similar. But one thing is for sure, we are all here for one thing, support. And that is indeed what you find.
Welcome, and please talk to us frequently, it will help you to get it out and discuss it.
Much love, Claire
Dear Crystal,
You might be new but you are NOT alone. We all understand and we are all in the same leaky boat. We bail like crazy to keep from sinking and we will bail for you too. It will be alright… though it does not seem like that now. A warm welcome and a big hug. Karen xx
I am so sorry you are facing the newness of this at the holidays. The trauma of it is so hard, and with the added stress of creating Christmas for small children . . . I am truly so sorry you are going through all of this at this time of year.
It may feel odd to connect to others through chats like this, but we are real women from around the globe who have all experienced what you are going through, at least in some way. Some of the women connect off of the site, too, by phone or in person. Bev was a huge help to me when we talked during a particularly bad time. There is true support here. You aren’t alone.
My prayers will be with you.
Sandy
Crystal,
I’m so sorry that you found yourself in our shoes….but here you are. We are here for you – to help you find your way out of the darkness to find the light. It is mind boggling stuff and your SAH may confuse you along the way….that’s why we are here!
I hope that you had a somewhat calm and not too upsetting Christmas. It is difficult to do with little ones.
Deb
Crystal, I met my husband on an Internet dating site 10 years ago, and discovered he never stopped using the net to procure sex. You’re safe here – I don’t think there’s anything that can shock anyone here now – so read, post and draw strength from what you can.
X hugs x at this extra hard time x
Crystal,
Welcome to SOS and so sorry for the pain your h has caused you. As you can see you are not alone. We unfortunately have all had the horrible discovery of our significant other’s secret life. We are here for you and mostly know you’re not alone. This is a wonderful group of caring sisters.
Love, NapCrystal,
Now that you’re here, you’ll never suffer his shame again. We all know what that feels like. This site has taught me so much and will hopefully give you new strength. You are not alone in this awful journey.
Love, AliWow.. i get up to all these replies. Thank you soo much.
My husband is active military. I used to work for a non profit that honored military. I emailed him and told him thank you for your service. We started talking back and forth and He told me about his wife ( going through a divorce) and how he was deployed and coming home. ( lived in a tiny town 20 mins from me and we never knew each other) Well months later he came home for a few weeks and signed his divorce papers and thats when we took it to the next step. He unfortunetly had to go back to iraq. A few months later he was sent back to germany where he was stationed. We had broken up. The lies men tell men.. Anyways.. a few months after that he came back because he was then stationed at a base only a few hours from me. We started dating, then engaged, and then 16 days later… married.When we were dating and he was home on leave I caught him giving a girl a shower show. I thought nothing of it as its a man and he has been in a country with no women ( men only job in military) and he had been married and his wife didnt go to germany with him.
I let it go. it hurt but i wasnt gonna dwell on it.
After we got married, a few months later we got pregnant and lost the baby. A few months after that ( thanksgiving 2008) we got pregnant again. I was soo happy. Months had gone on and i noticed my husband pulling away from me. Not wanting to be intimate. I thought it was the pregnancy. I got up one night really late, and saw he was on a website called fubar. ( its like an adult facebook) I went back to bed and didnt say anything. He went to work that morning and I searched the website. Found out lots of stuff i didnt want to know. So i decided to go a step further. And checked our cell phone bills. I asked him who he was talking to and he would say an old friend from home ( some guy) So the next day i called the number. A woman answers. She gave me a story on how they met on line and blah blah blah. So when my husband came home i made him sit down and tell me everything. He was a little shocked i found out.
He called her that night and told her he couldnt talk to her any more. And that he was married. They hung up.
I was devastated. How can a man that i love do this. Not even a year after being married. COme to find out he was doing this before we got married.
Months came and went and found out he was talking to the girl again.. i confronted her on the website and that was the end. Thankfully.
We eventually moved and i caught him again.
We moved again and i caught him talking to girls on the PS3. Needless to say the PS3 disapeared that night.Since 2008. I have gotten rid of the ps3. wii, and smashed 2 computers. I still have my computer, which is password protected ( i change the password every few weeks) and he is more then welcome to use it, when i am home. I have find out about 2 times a year hes doing this. The last one just recently. I was 8 months pregnant with out last.
I have gotten to the point that i dont want to live. I dont want to feel the pain that i feel. But i have 3 babies i cant leave. I cant let them go through the pain that i feel.
My kids age in range from 4 to 3 weeks.
I am back in counseling, but i find it so easy to lie. I hate people knowing that i am hurting. I put a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok. When deep down i feel like i am losing it or that i am just a shell.
I am still married, and i do love my husband. He is in counseling even tho its going to have to stop as he has a bunch of training coming up.
I have gotten so many comments about how people want the perfect marriage like mine, and i always tell them that they should never judge a book by its cover.
It got to the point that i have caught my husband in the middle of the act, behind closed doors while my kids were on the other side. I have a boy. I dont want him to think that this is ok. And i dont want my girls to think that every guy is like this.
I went to a chaplain in his unit and told him what was going on. I was told by the chaplain that i shouldnt say anything to anyone because it will hurt his ego. I was floored.. How can his ego be more important then my life? Then my happiness? then our family and marriage?
I told him boss what was going on. Adultry is grounds to be kicked out of the military, but since we were coming forward and asking for help they were gonna do anything. His boss sat and talked to me for hours. I didnt feel so alone. I could talk and cry. But now that training is coming up im scared to see what is gonna happen.
I know a deployment is very likely in 2013 and during that time, my husband has access to the internet. I have to set myself up for him to do it again.
I always thought when i was growing up that life was like a fairy tale. Your prince charming was going to ride up and whisk you away and you would live happily ever after….. Walt disney was sooooo wrong.
Like i said, I have 2 little girls. Because of this i dont let my daughters watch fairy tales. They have no clue who cinderella, or belle ect.. is.
I hate this feeling. I have been looking at this site for awhile but never knew if it was legit or not. I have been on forums before but never paid for one.. and all the other SA forums and groups on fb are all about where to find porn and blah blah blah… NOT what i want.
My husbands friends on fb try to send him things.. Like one guy was talking to him about his ex gf and how hot she was and blah, sending him pictures.. Needless to say i went off on him. ( the friend not the husband)
His family doesnt know about his problem. Because of this i have been called horrible names, and exiled from his family. Thats ok with me tho because i dont like someone who can be that mean to others.
I am not a perfect person and i dont try to be. I have alot of things wrong with me, Mentally and physically. But i try to be the best wife and mother i can be.
I have started a journal on my computer, just a plain word document.. The question always asked… What did i do wrong? Why cant he show me he loves me?
I havent found these answers and i dont know if i ever will. I have insomnia because of this. And when i do sleep its nightmares. Not of the boogie man, or dieing.. its of girls and the websites. So i lay awake and just stare at the wall. For hours. I eventually have to take something to make me sleep. As i do have a 3 week old.
I know this is a bunch of rambling and i am sorry its just i have never talked to someone who has been in my shoes or even remotely close to my shoes…
If you got this far… thank you for reading..
You didnt’ do anything wrong. And now you have some tough truths in your life because he was never honest with you. Please seek out legal counsel to learn your best options for your and your children. It’s the right thing to do when you have children involved.
It’s so raw right now for you. I understand the lingering feeling of love you have in the face of his behaviour—it’s hard to cut off your heart. As you move ahead, its important for you to know what you require in order for that love to be continued. YOu cannot allow him to destroy your spirit, your hope, your optimism, your energy. You don’t want to raise your children in an atmosphere of pain and disrespect as if that is normal. I am busy “re-teaching” my adult sons lessons I wish they hadn’t learned in my home. Don’t make that same mistake.I’m so glad you posted. It’s hard to tell the story the first time, and the experience is just so isolating because no one really knows what it’s about and how if feels. We do. And I’m sending you prayers and hug for today. You deserve to be loved, and loved with respect and faithfulness. Start by loving yourself that way. It’s hard, but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.
D.xo
thanks diane. I have been reading what options i have, and i have a friend that works for the military lawyers so i kinda ask her questions. I have never been a person to walk away from a problem that hasnt been fixed. I know i cant fix him, he has to fix it himself. But everyone in his life has walked out on him, and they are horrible people.. I mean what would make me different? He is great with the kids, and when we are together we have a great time. He is my best friend. I just wish this other part of him would be gone. He doesnt like to talk about it. and i hate bringing it up to him because of the hurt in his eyes. But i just feel like i NEED to know… i NEED to see things.. I NEED to ask questions.. even if they are the same questions over and over.
crystal,
the hardest part about this, is reconciling the secret man with the one that was shown to us.
it took me about 8 months to come to terms with the fact that my DW (i call him dickwad) is always the asshole too, even if it’s hidden from view. even when he is being nice, he is just steps away from being an asshole.
because he would be so nice to me and to others, while at the same time doing awful awful things.
i think your partner may also be like this, what he is doing to you is so cruel. his public face is kind, nice fun. but i don’t think he is your best friend, you may be his, but best friends don’t do what he did.
i’m not saying there isn’t hope. facing the reality of who his and what he has done is is the best hope for both of you..
This may be hard to hear, but he is not your best friend. You just thought he was. But no one treats their best friend, or even any friend, like you have been treated. And he is letting his family think you are the problem and treat you poorly, too.
Interesting that you ask “what would make me different?” from the other people who walked away from him. There have been a lot of discussions here about the fact that these men are generally completely isolated, not close to family, no close friends. There’s a reason for that, in my opinion, based on a lot of studies that say that they (addicts in general) stopped development emotionally when they entered into their “addiction”. So they don’t have the skills to have close connections with mature people, who cannot reconcile their adolescent mindsets and find it increasingly difficult to be with them. The addicts opted out of the hard lessons because turning to porn was a quicker, more reliable “solution” to their needs than the hard work necessary to have real relationships of any kind.
So, if you see that he has a pattern of broken relationships and people who abandoned him all through his past, isn’t it possible that a big factor is probably HIM and HIS BEHAVIOR? Is it worth it to pay be price to be the one who hung around for him? You are probably really more loving and caring and giving than most of them. Which is why you think he needs someone. He probably does. But he’ll go through a LOT of someones on his way down, if he’s really a sexual addict/compulsive. Which means almost certain narcissism at least along with the addiction. Meaning no empathy, no conscience as to the pain he causes others, nothing but a one man destruction machine with various speeds depending on what he can get away with and still hold up under the consequences.
Putting yourself on the line in compassion for these SAs has nearly broken more than one of our sisters, me included. Really, as most are NARCs, they expect it so much it actually feels like the “right” thing to do while you are in the relationship. Once you get some distance, though, you see that your sacrifices can’t possibly fill the void.
Your energy is best spent on you, your needs, your healing and your children. You will need it, this stuff is totally exhausting to deal with, or escape from.
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