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I guess I knew it was coming, just didn’t know how long it would be. As far as I know, he’s been sober since this summer from acting out. It as at that time we had an understanding that he needed to stop lying to me and absolutely no Porn or acting out with masterbation and prostitutes etc. Well, not too long ago, his sponser said that he had been doing well enough to move masterbation back to his outer circle – with no porn of course. He told me this, I didn’t like it but I’ve heard different things on masterbation and I’m not really sure where I stand on it, so whatever. Anyways, he’s been back in the house after being gone two weeks when he violated a boundary (lying) and we came to the conclusion that we couldn’t afford to live separately. He also worked his way back into bedroom. We’ve been trying to make the most of it especially since I see him workign the program and trying to do the “right thing, right now” answering my questions etc. I did have an issue with some of the things that he was watching on TV, I know even daytime TV these days don’t leave much to the imagination, but on some sex scenes or racy things where he SHOULD be changing the channels, he doesn’t. I’ll ask him about it, and he’ll respond, “It really doesn’t bother me”.
Well, because of the Christmas holiday and us traveling to take the girls to my parents while they are out of school, he hasn’t been to a meeting in over a week. I was uneasy about it, but didn’t say anything b/c I told him I wasn’t going to mommy him anymore. I did see that his sponser had been calling him and they’d talk most days. Well, lately, he’s been working only 1/2 day shifts b/c he finishes his work so quickly and comes back home. Yesterday I came home from work and he’s watching som movie on Netflix, not sure what it was about, but I saw some scantily clad women dancing suggestively. I said “what is this you’re watching”. He told me and continued watching, I went to the bedroom. This morning, he left for his SA meeting and I switched back on the Netflix channel and in his recently watched area there was a movie “Life after Porn” this is in addition to the other movie that I saw. So I skimmed through it to see what he saw. It was a documentary of old porn stars, mostly talking about the industry and small snippits of scenes they were in. I looked to see if maybe he had started watching and then turned it off, but no he watched the whole thing from beginning to end.
He called me from the meeting telling me he was on his way back. On Saturdays he usually will do a two hr meeting, this time it was only one hour, but he told me he had met up with his sponser beforehand b/c he got there early. I questioned the fact the he didn’t go to the second meeting, but he assured me that he wasn’t slipping up. So he told me he was coming home, asked if I needed anything from the store. Came home told me his mother had called and what they had talked about etc. Put up the items he’s just bought as I’m sitting on the couch. He asks me what was wrong. I said the fact that you were in here watching a movie on Netflix about Porn. Of course he minimalized it, “It was just a documentary, I didn’t masterbate to it” I asked why didn’t you tell me, he claimed that he told his sponser, (I don’t know if I believe that) and his sponser told him that he needed to tell me…but he didn’t. I asked why didn’t you tell me? I paused, said something like I didn’t think that was something that needed to be said over the phone. I said you watched the movie YESTERDAY!! I told him we were going to be in separate rooms. He told me it wasn’t what he wanted but said he had to own up and accept the consequences. Now he’s back to acting like a baby. He stormed to the room to get his closes etc out of the closet. Begging, trying to make me change my mind.
Not to long after he’s tell me how much he needs me and asking me if I’m going to start sleeping around and asking me if I still consider him my husband…just like we backtracked a whole month. We had planned on going out to go go-karting since I had a groupon to use, and the kids were still out of town. He wanted to try to “win me back”…well that didn’t last long.
He finally decided today to call aroung to car dealerships and his loan holder about what to do with his truck. I guess he didn’t have time before even though he’d been getting off of work early.
Anyways, I’m up to my ears with this crap. I thought we were actually starting to do well. We even went out to pick a little puppy out yesterday. Something I wanted to so for sooo long, even before the SA and after d-day figured it would be a good distraction from all this SA crap, now something else to be piled on. I also caught him going through my ipad and email accounts. He told me that he had been looking on things I had posted here and was afraid that I might decide to leave him after getting advice from you all. I’m just sooo over this right now!
Dee-dee. So sorry. That’s what they do. They convince you that they are going to do the right thing, you give them an inch and they take a mile. And then you are left feeling hurt and betrayed all over again. That’s the cycle. As soon as they think the coast is clear, they are back to their old tricks. At least he is terrible about covering his tracks so you know? I know all you want is to go back to a normal life, and he keeps messing that up. But that’s the reality now. There is no going back to your normal life. So so so sorry. I know it sucks.
I think you should be over it PERIOD. It’s no way to live and he’s a loser. I hope you will stop falling for all his lines… (“he “worked his way back into the bedroom”, etc)
Ugh! Read sister…. Read and educate yourself! This is a no win situation. I’m very sorry! 🙁
He’s a fucking idiot. Cut him loose and tell him to go live in his precious truck and masturbate away. Throw in some lotion and some babywipes. And tell him HELL NO you don’t consider yourself married anymore. He lied walking down the aisle. That contract is null and void.
They suck and going behind a grown ass man trying to see if he is whackin off to porn is ridiculous and you should not have to do that. And what wife wants to know about masturbation being in some goofy ass circle? Masturbate till it falls off…who cares? This shit is just crazy.
I am so sorry DeeDee. I know it cuts to the core and hurts like hell. I don’t know the answers. I just know that if we keep participating in this ignorant shit then we will be as crazy as they are.
Deedee, we know how much it hurts. I’m really sorry too, like all the sisters that this hasn’t worked out better.
The tough question now is whether this the way you want to live out the rest of your life.
Deedee, so sorry to hear about the setback. From what I hear he is following the usual patter. Has anyone had an sah who did not go back to the old tricks? Bev, thanks for the laugh. I needed it today!
I’m still trying to figure out how you could choose to spend Christmas with HIM rather than your children?
I’m with March on that one. At any rate – be smart. It is so hard but make him go away from you and try to work on you. Believe me I get how hard it is but I first went through this shit 13 yrs ago – It doesn’t get better! Take care of you and your children DeeDee. His recovery is HIS RECOVERY!
Well, there were a few different factors, work schedule, gas money back and forth, but one of them was to try to spend some time together while the kids were away and things weren’t so hectic. We had been trying to reconnect since the SA craziness had died down – at least it seemed. I see now, it wasn’t the best decision, just like everyone mentions, it’s tough he’s all that I’ve known for so long. I don’t have a best friend, that is what I though he was to me, it’s hard to just break away but I guess you live and learn. If one day I have to walk away, at least I can say I gave it my best shot.
I’m not sure I understand why we have to give a fake marriage OUR best shot. Why we feel we owe it to them to keep trying to make a real marriage with a fake person who is not trying as hard as we are. I feel that is a cop out. We stay because of our own issues NOT because we are so noble. No sane woman wants to be running around checking computers, tracking phones, watching everything they watch on Tv and having conversations about what hypothetical circle their wacking off is in? He is jerking your chain just as he did before. If you cannot face a life without him then this WILL be your life DeeDee. It is really JUST that simple. He will play mind fuck with you just as long as you let him.
Karen xxKandice, some women’s SA partners have been sober for awhile. I think my husband has been sober since my discovery day in July 2012. One can never be absolutely certain though, can they? That’s part of the overall problem with the relationship post discovery. Can you really trust them? I personally believe an addict of any kind needs to be sober 5 years straight to have a chance at true, forever recovery. I base this on a Harvard study of alcoholism. Alcoholics who were completely sober for five years, had the greatest likelihood of never going back to alcohol again. It’s a very, very long road out of this sex addiction stuff.
Deedee, I understand the urge to attach to the SA, put all the attention on him, keep constant watch, etc. I really do. But right now you need to make him third–at best: take care of you and your children FIRST. Make your kids a priority way over him. This is no time for a honeymoon. There’s no “reconnecting” with someone who has no ability to connect. And he won’t have that ability until he’s sober for quite some time, if he ever manages to get it at all. In the meantime, your kids need you more than ever. They really only have one parent. Just my opinion.
I agree with Karen, March, and the others who said this is a pattern he isn’t going to change. He’ll white knuckle or go underground for a while, then the addiction will resurface. You can’t control that. All you can control is your own choice: Will you stay and live like this (because if you stay, you WILL live like this), or will you break free of him and live your own life?
Personally, I decided to get out 2 weeks after D-day, as soon as it was clear that XSAH wasn’t serious about recovery, despite what he said. Actions speak louder than words.
Like you, I don’t have a lot of friends. XSAH was my best friend and leaving him hurt like hell, but it is a million times better than living in constant pain, suspicion, and fear.
As for friends, check out meetup.com. There are tons of groups you can join anytime for anything from hiking to cooking to board games to bar hoopping. It’s a good way to meet people and build your support system.
DeeDee,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Living with a SA is a long and winding road and the car can swerve off and hit the ditch at any time. It’s a horrible way to live, wondering? Meanwhile our life and growth gets put on hold and the kids are really living as 2nd class citizens to all previous stated. Not intentionally of course but by default. It’s very hard, stressful, and restrictive. It’s also very painful. I believe in Love and this really puts a monkey wrench in it.
Love, NapxoYeah, I might not like it, But I see where I fit the co-addict mold. Just one more thing that I need to overcome in this journey. I’ll get there…
Thanks ladies.
Yes you will.
Sometimes there are codependency elements the emerge in our relationships as these abusive men groom us and use us and demoralize us. You can overcome those things, and they should not be used against you. You have been traumatized by all this. I hope you can find a caring and skilled therapist.
One day at a time, deedee.His slip didn’t begin with watching the documentary. It sounds like it began with him not changing channels when something inappropriate came on.
I don’t blame you for being pissed. It gets old and why should we “mommy” or police these assholes unacceptable behavior? Whichever sister said why do we give our all for a fake marriage (paraphrasing) was spot on!
I got married thinking I was involved with another adult, not a child with no value set yet.
They’re such lying fucks!!
DeeDee,
I’m curious – what is he doing to try to address the hole in his soul and his addiction? Therapy, groups?
If he’s doing nothing, has no accountability partner and is not actively working on it – he will slip and slip and slip til the cows come home.
Deb
I wasn’t even kidding or trying to be funny with my post. I understand totally if you are not ready to divorce but for God’s sake leave him alone. I mean totally alone.
Get out. Make friends. Be normal. Let him sit home and watch “documentaries” until you get fed up with it.
He actually sat down with his mom after the first d-day over the summer to address him being left as a child. He’s opened up to his Aunt, cousin, and my parents about his SA. He found a SA therapist, and has been going since the summer. he started going to SA meetings in Sept. (earlier on though, his attendance was slow going). He has a sponser that he talks to often as well. If it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t try.
I am begging for my space. I know that is very important. He doesn’t want to give it to me for fear that I might leave him. I’m standing firm.
You gave up your children for Christmas for a man that still thinks it’s okay to watch a “documentary” on porn. That does not sound like a man that is very afraid you will leave him….
I hope you are not pissed at me. I’m sorry and I wouldn’t hurt you for anything. I am not trying to be mean. It’s just the truth.
You are a grown woman and you do not have to beg for anything. If you want space then take it.
IDK if this is relevant or not, however, mine had a core rage that was pretty scary and would intimidate me with breaking things. These men are difficult to tell anything to and I always had to consider my safety first. I think a few of us had these rat bastards.
Mine too Nap. Not calling the cops was always my ace in the hole. He was scared shitless I was going to call after he came screaming in my face while I took a shower and I fled, wet hair and all with a thrown together over night bag. That shower scene from Psycho still haunts me at times. It triggered the beatings I got growing up with mommie dearest and how we just rolled over and gave up waiting for her to stop. He’s toned it down MANY notches since then. That bought him a three week stint at his folks and I told them why too!
They only pull that shit bc they know its intimidating and it scares us. It worked. I’m still pissed when I think about it and how I was huddled against the wall agreeing with all his hatefulness just to keep it from escalating.
I wish now he would have punched his fist through the shower glass (he kept drawing back his arm and fist but never hit it) bc he would’ve def gotten stitches from it and it would be a visual daily reminder to him of what a fucking jackass he was to me that day.
All the scars I have from his shit aren’t physical.
Fucker.
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