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So his meeting tonight was supposed to be all about him confessing about fake recovery, lying to me, his “group”, his sponsor, acting out at work. He supposedly did that… but rather than the focus being on him afterwards, it turned into a big bitch session about me, between him and the FEMALE SA SLUTS. The sluts were saying how I’m “controlling”, need S-Anon but I must be in “denial” and that’s why I must have stopped going, and how he deserves his “privacy” in a relationship, how they all do.
I feel FUCKING SICK. That’s how he SPENT his NEW YEARS EVE — bitching about me with a bunch of fucking whores who need a “program” to stop being sluts. Since when are they EXPERTS on relationships?! And experts on partners?!
It’s a complicated story of how I found this out after the meeting — but it’s true.
I want to go there and rip their fucking necks. These whores don’t KNOW ME or MY LIFE and have no right or position to fucking criticize me. They don’t go through what HE puts me through. They don’t know what I’ve LOST. Haven’t gone through this devastation. What I’ve dealt with continuously with ALL the FAKE fucking BULLSHIT “RECOVERY” ACT.
This ENTIRE “model” of these 12 steps is so twisted. The only meetings here are the joint ones. I can’t even fucking do anything about it. He’s supposed to walk out during their shares etc — but he just ends up lying about the women not being there.
It’s been 1 year officially today since he’s been in the “program”. IT’S ONLY MADE HIM WORSE!!!!!!
I’m probably going to delete this soon, he might find it or maybe even one of his posse of pervs.
What a great end/start to my new year 2013
SCREW HIM!!!! AND THESE SICK LUNATICS.
JUST please PRAY for me to find someone else who is normal.
My STBX only gets worse the more treatment he goes to as well. There is really something wrong with the treatment model AND with the SAs that get worse. Clearly they don’t want to get better if they go and just complain about us. But there is no accountability either.
I can understand why you are pissed. It sucks to be the victim AND be blamed for the hell you are going through. It never seems to end. Fine, if they want to sit there and wallow in their own filth, but leave the partners out of it. And it really doesn’t matter if the women are there are not. My STBX complains about me to his therapist, our business partners, our accountant, his 12 step meetings (all men), his family- even to the nurses at the hospital and the drug reps. And goodness knows who else. You have to put on some pretty tough armor.
There’s a great Malcolm in the Middle episode where Francis blames all his problems on his mother, Lois. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0771477/
I laughed my ass off when I saw it because I could just see my STBX doing the same thing. My son even said it was just like dad blaming me.And I’m not going to pray for you to find someone else. I am going to pray that you find strength in yourself. You don’t need that shit. Who cares if someone else comes along? No one would be preferable to this.
Oh shit, Victoria. I tried to do some quick reading about your story…you seem to have come such a long way. You’re emotional and raw right now, with damned good reason. But don’t let these fuck-ups set you back. It’s still 2012 in the US (where I am) so consider it the final washing out of 2012 and not a crappy start to 2013.
I’ve seen a lot of folks here don’t subscribe to the 12-step model. It didn’t feel right to me, either, but they articulated it much better than I could. In short, we did not create or contribute to the addict’s acting out. Don’t let them blame you. They’re there because they’re sick. You’re there because you’re trying to cope with the fallout of their sickness.
Please take care – sending prayers and good energy to you. It’s a crisis – you’ve been through them before. It will pass and you will be fine.
Amy
Dear Victoria,
Oh my I certainly felt that one with you!
Yes, it’s a terrible terrible thing that goes on at these assinine 12 step meetings. And yes, mine got worse the more meetings he went to. More arrogance, not less. More secrecy, not less. More stupidity, not less. More betrayal, not less.
The only good thing about these meetings is that they reveal who the guy really is.
Mine actually got to the fourth? step of writing his personal inventory, and decided to come and share it with me. Guess what—it was five pages of what was wrong with me. I stopped him and sent him home. Apparently he passed that step with flying colours.
The program is dangerous to them and to us.
I only hope this experience has galvanized your understanding of who this guy is, and where his loyalty lies. IMO, it will never be with you. NEVER. It will always be with his penis, and his fellow SA’s. I’m so sorry because that’s just so hurtful. But that’s what I’ve come to realize. I don’t mean to hurt you by saying this. And if you believe otherwise, I will respect that and back off.
And btw, I would also be wanting to rip their heads off. A really classy bunch—all using you for their punching bag with his permission. Sorry to point that out too. But I’m just seething here over this guy. SEEETHING.Standing with you, victoria,
Diane.God, Victoria.. I’d be screaming and smashing things. Why the hell they have men and women together in these meetings is beyond me. His meetings sound like a pile of twisted narcissistic shit. You have your whole life ahead of you, Victoria. You’re young, and you will get over him, I promise. It never feels like it at the time, but nature pretty much ensures that we won’t always feel this horribleness. Hang in there, hon. Not for him, but for you, because a better life is out there for you. xoxo
I’m disgusted to hear they bashed you. Even sicker that he allowed it and participated!!
How’d you find out? Dying to hear that story too!
My husbands group meets coed for the first 30 mins while a guest speaker talks. Then they break off to their respective rooms which are not coed. In the wives group I attended there was a woman in the summer who showed up sitting there with us with big boobs wearing a low cut top showing at least 3 in of cleavage. I thought does she fucking know she’s in a sex addicts of partners group AND there’s men here to gawk at her????? I was so disgusted. It def was a trigger for me since eye fucking women was my husbands weakness.
I haven’t been back since. I should’ve said something but I didn’t. Women are so stupid sometimes the way they dress at places like that.
I couldn’t find the actual clip- only which episode it is. I’ll keep looking though. It really is perfect.
Victoria, I am so sorry and I say this with love but honey, you have GOT to stop focusing on him and focus on YOU. He and his SA sluts don’t determine your self worth, YOU DO. You are a young, vibrant, beautiful woman and you need to close this ugly chapter in your life and move on. He is never going to appreciate you or treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He has made that clear again and again. If you let him, he will continue to torture you with this shit forever. Let 2013 be your freedom year where you learn to love and appreciate yourself the way you deserve. Believe me, I am preaching to myself as well as you. My self image and self respect is at an all time low but I am going to work on that – really hard. I don’t want to pray for you to find someone else. I will pray for you to find and love yourself for who you are. You don’t need someone else to complete you – you are just right in and of yourself.
Hugs,
Daisyfor-now (and all),
I’m not sure you know this, but many of the 12 step meetings for Sex Addicts are not as you described, with the wives and the Sex Addicts, they are co-ed. Meaning both men and women who can’t or won’t control their outrageous sexual behaviors get together in a room and share their sordid stories week after week; talking about how and why they masturbate, how and why they fucked their best friend’s husband, lamenting over how they can’t seem to get enough anal sex and on and on and on.
Oh, and by the way, they have a master phone list that is passed around at all the meetings so they can call each other if they need ‘support’.
It’s like having an AA meeting in Munich during October Fest.
Sick, sick, sick. ~ JoAnn
I think I’d walk into the next meeting and throw a BUNCH of dollar bills at them and say ” that’s for fucking with me you bitches!”. (I’m pissed)
My H goes to 2 meetings a week. One is run by his CSAT and there are no women. The other is open but his sponsor requires that he go to the same meeting so they can discuss anything that comes up. I don’t know if that is good or bad or if it even matters…
He SAYS they discuss emotions and ways to deal with emotions and anger issues…I have no idea what actually goes on. I may think about hiring the PI again to infiltrate a couple of meetings…wonder if that is legal ?
🙂
Bev, I’ll go for you and pretend I’m a nymphomaniac and I’ll be wired with a radio shack voice activated recorder. I’ll do it as a friend. I’ll eat a banana during the meeting.
Nap you’re killing me! Too funny.
JoAnn, I’m thankful the church that hosts my h’s/wives group is not coed except as I said the first 30 mins to hear a guest speaker. I’ve seen his phone list in his email and it’s only men thank goodness.
Coed meetings are some jacked up shit from what y’all say.
For my STBX, I don’t think it made a hill of beans difference either way. I’m sure he met some of his orgy buddies at his male-only meetings.
Ugh, Victoria, that is vile. I’m so sorry. Unfortunately, with an SA there are very few places or persons that are really “safe”. Their addict and asshole tendencies will continue to play out until they change their whole paradigm. Gross and dangerous.
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