- This topic has 23 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hi all – Just an up date. I haven’t posted for awhile, but I feel I need to share my most recent experience with my Ex.
Steve called me the other night, and he was a mess! He disclosed he went to BBW porn in October, Elephant stomping and crushing porn 3 weeks ago, and continues to have urges and memories of all of this pop into his head. Sick-sick-sick! He attributes it to feeling lonely and depressed, as well as the finalization of the divorce. He told me he doesn’t think he will every be “normal” and be able to beat this thing. (The only thing he has ever been right about) He has been reading articles on BPD and sex addiction, which has enabled him to gain knowledge as to why he got this way, and was hoping the insight of childhood trauma might prove beneficial in healing.
He had not engaged in internet porn for over a year, although the objectification of women was always there and active. He seems to switch between the two addictions.
Anyway, my point here is to stress that the addicted brain, for him, is programmed since childhood and he is right – I doubt he will ever be able to heal other than managing and controlling the addiction for short periods of time.
Very sad, but these guys just hang onto these unhealthy coping mechanisms because it is the only “normalcy” they feel and keeps them in their own comfort zone. As in the case of Steve, he wants to change, but he is too damaged.
As to my reaction to all of this – So glad I got the hell out. I listened to him and was empathetic, but I felt nothing in terms of feelings for him. For me, the continual saturation of his illness finally got me to the point of feeling absolutely nothing for him.
Please, Sister’s – those of you who are struggling and holding onto hope for recovery, I don’t feel you will ever truly see it. Some SA’s are worse than others. Steve’s Therapist told him he and his sister are the worst cases of childhood trauma he has ever seen. Some will be able to manage the addiction better than other’s, but please do not ever have the mindset you will be able to have an addiction-free partner – in 99% of cases, the reality is it just doesn’t happen.
It is so difficult to let go of hope, and the roller-coaster of seeing progress and slips/relapses tends to keep us hooked. We want that man that we thought he was and portrayed to us so cleverly.
Do they ever change? Up to you guys to process, and decide. Sometimes it is a long one to work through – It took me three wasted years, and I always have those of you who are struggling on my mind. It is a journey for us and a never ending one for them.
Hugs to you all.Sharron, I am SO glad you’re free and clear of this SA shit! Miss you in the ‘Hood, but I’m thrilled that you’re on the OTHER side looking in instead of living it! Love, Liza
Sharron, so good to see you. And very wise words. And..elephant stomping?? Good lord, the world these guys throw us into. I am always so impressed by your courage and touched by the kindness and caring you always show. Wishing you all the happiness in the world. xoxo
Sharon,
I’m new here and don’t know your story but thanks so much for sharing your outcome. I am divorcing as well but sometimes wonder if I should give the marriage a chance mainly to support his recovery. But, I’m afraid I would lose myself in that toxic relationship. I can’t take the pain of more betrayal so I’m continuing on the divorce path.
To see that you’re doing well is so encouraging. Thanks for taking the time and emotional energy to share that with us.Glad his “news” didn’t bring you down. So odd he thought you should know that.
Happy that you got yourself into a safe place. Thanks for giving up news from the other side. You sound like you are moving along and happy.
So nice to hear from you. Annie is right…the world they bring us into. I don’t know what BBW is but am sure it is something twisted. I am so glad you are well and continuing to thrive. Is like you have become a different person OR he made you a different person while you tried to live with him I guess. Incredible and so are you. Karen xx
Hi guys – just reading your posts. Kandice, you are so right. If you stay, you will lose yourself in the toxic relationship – I almost did! Stay strong and follow through. When the divorce is final and you are removed from all the pain and drama, you will feel “alive again.” It takes a while to grieve and process it all, but there is a silver- lining after life with an SA.
In reading some others regarding religion, counseling, etc. Steve goes to church every Sunday, and prays daily thinking God will deliver him from his addiction. So misguided! I also believe counseling for an SA is counterproductive after they have gained all the insight needed to make a conscious decision to stop, and if they have a personality disorder, which the majority do, the counseling will go on for years and years. Not worth the sacrifice we, as spouses, have to make. In the end, they still talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk. Sad, but true.
Love ya all.Sharron,
Glad for the update. And you do sound so much more at peace and grounded. I’m glad you have made it through to the other side.It really is sad about Steve, and I think it shows how stuck he is if he is still calling you about all this. You don’t have to convince me though about there being no cure. But I think sharing your story is so good for new sisters who are trying to figure things out.
Take care.
Thanks Teri – It is interesting that Steve still calls, and then on top of it reveals ALL! He sure as hell lied about everything in the past. I think SA’s are very dependent – he has no friends or confidant’s, so guess he feels a need to purge his soul. I think in his own delusional world he probably has hopes of a reconciliation – even a few years down the road. I have made it very plain to him that I can never go back to him, and I try and be realistic in telling him he will always struggle with addiction and staying with him is not an option for me. He verbalizes he understands, but I doubt he has the ability to process that yet.
He goes in spurts. Sometimes, I do not hear from him for a month or so, and then boom – a phone call. I try to look at him as if he were anyone reaching out for someone to listen.
(Just like I do with the crazy’s I am assigned to in my Stephen Ministry, and I have some dandies!).
As I said, he no longer impacts me on an emotional level, nor do I have any feelings left for him. I do have empathy for him, like I would anyone else, because he wants to change so desparately, and he will never be able to accomplish that goal. SAD.
His Therapist even gave up on him. He went from having him avoiding all situations where he might trigger (until he got his addiction to the point where he can manage it) to telling him to basically expose himself to every situation in life. I think he feels there is no hope, so he may as well live life in as normal of a way as he can. Only speculating, but I certainly cannot disagree with him.
SO, because I am no longer emeshed in hopes of him getting well, and no longer have any feelings involved I don’t see any harm in lending an ear to him on occasion as long as he has full understanding there is no hope for us EVER! I think eventually he will move along to his next victim, because SA’s have to have somebody and often replace us fairly quickly.
His 650# women d/s porn and Elephant stomping porn literally makes me want to throw up. It is really difficult to wrap my mind around the fact that these men can be SO sick. In my mind, I think Just stop it! Unfortunately, they can’t.
Good to hear from you. This ended up longer than I intended, but I always have hope for the new gals on here to give up on an impossible situation. At the same time, I always hope there might be just one SA who turns their life around.
Hugs,
SharronSharron – so glad you posted. I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were doing. Your words are a good dose of reality for me after having gone through another round with my H last night and letting him know we should separate. He says he’s “not ready to leave yet” and that “please don’t give up on me”. It is so sad – I truely believe he wants to change – he admits he is sick and has a major problem and doesn’t want to live a double-life anymore – but I don’t think he gets the true depth of his addiction or the amount of work that will be involved to overcome it.
Sharon, so great to hear from you, your post is amazing, the clarity you have is so inspiring,,
I am hoping that all of us here will reach that place you are in one day, to not be entangled with their damn sick webs,,to reach a point where you can listen to them and not react to anything they say.
Feeling conflicted- It is sad when an SA wants to change and we know they just can’t. I think it makes it more difficult when that happens, because it really tugs at our hearts. You are right – your h doesn’t understand the full depth of his addiction, and probably never will. I heard over and over how my ex was going to beat this, but here he is no further down the road than when I met him – maybe a few cosmetic changes. The important thing is what YOU take out of this- to separate and detach from his life. It isn’t easy, but when I realized the pain wasn’t worth the gain I knew it was time.
harmony1- You will get there too. Sometimes it just takes awhile , and we have to get there in our own time. As I read posts now, I am so proud of all the sister’s and their ability to gain such insight in a much shorter period of time than I did. I was the worst of worst!! Just ask JoAnn. I really think she and the sister’s had about given up on me.
But it is amazing – just one day you wake up and think, “what the hell am I doing?” I was smoking heavily, depressed every day, and drinking more Vodka tonics in 2 yrs. than I did in a lifetime. That’s when the light bulb comes on and you realize how toxic the marriage is, and how if you stay they will most likely take you down with them. So, if I can get it, anyone can. I was in constant denial, holding onto the very slim hope of change, and was totally hooked on fixing him. Oh ya – now, how dysfunctional is that!!
Hugs to you bothHi Sisters!
Sharron, I’ve been so crazy busy with the new job, my son home on break from college,getting through 2 family Christmases , all the while interviewing attorneys and getting my ducks in a row, that I haven’t popped on SOS in far too long. It is so good to see your update. You are so inspiring…you’ve come a long way, baby!! xoxoxo ZGZumbagirl- so glad to see you pop in once in awhile. I wondered what happened to you, and where you are in all of this addiction stuff. Are you filing?
I am not consistent about posting either, because addiction is not on my mind very much anymore. But, then I miss my sister’s and just have the need to keep in contact with everyone who helped me so much through all of this, and sometimes just can’t help but answer some posts to those who are struggling so much.
You were instrumental in helping me too, and I always valued your opinion. Keep popping back in.
Hugs,
SharronI miss you all too! Liza, good to see your response! Sharron, I’ll be filing soon. Deciding on an attorney. Tough stuff, but I’m at a strong place I didn’t even envision a couple of years ago. And most of it is thanks to SOS.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.