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I know there was a point of decision that my relationship with SA was toxic and I had to separate. There was a very careful decision with several counselors about what would be the requirements and boundaries necessary to attempt reconciliation. All lots and lots of necessary and very painful decisions.
Today, after the call from the hospital about the past due bills from my SAs forced stay at the psyche clinic, there was a drop dead silence in my heart, absolutely like watching and hearing a flatline on a hospital monitor. The thought went through my head like someone else spoke it, “It’s flatlined”.
I can’t think this is detachment, it’s not that engaged, even. It’s just death. Complete death of any feeling I ever had for this man. Yes, the man I loved died on Discovery Day. But today, the love I had died, too. I had no idea it was still a living entity until that moment and I’m not even sad. Just astonished.
Lynn – you articulated it so well – “the man you loved died on Discovery Day. But today, the love I had died, too.” So true…and they aren’t always the same thing and definitely don’t seem happen at the same time. I’m sorry for your pain – but relieved for you that it sounds like you are finally ready to start moving on from him. That gives me (and I think all the women that do still have love for their toxic SAs) hope that we’ll be ready to move on one day too.
Now there’s an idea! How about celebrating Dday. With a cake and a celebration. Makes sense for those of us moving on. Learning that you aren’t crazy is like getting a new life. I totally felt like I got myself back on Dday. Lynn, I’m going to think about it in a whole new way from now on. I’ve been calling it the Apocalypse. But it really is like….what? the Big Bang? Let there be light?
I can completely understand that, you have regained a life based upon reality, not the twisted circus these guys produce daily.
it’s so sad isn’t it? the man you loved was never alive…. it’s just such a mind fuck. i’m so sorry.
the cake is a great idea! you can celebrate your freedom from the lie and illusion that he was/is.
Please everyone know it’s NOT about the past due money. It’s because he had the capacity to call me the entire time. 3 days I thought he was dead, I really did. And now I know that he knew that, and he let me go through that even though at any point he could have called and ended the pain. That after watching that the Discovery had been like a death to me, and then the torture porn was like a death of all sexuality, not just his and mine. Everything there just vanished when I learned that he gave them my number on intake.
dear lynng2. sometimes the harsh reality of what they have done to us just stares us in the face. and it is so striking, no denial or excuses are left. it is in these moments they lose us. they really lose us. we may not have left them yet, but we are gone. I think the hospital phone call did that –the gravity of it all, undeniable. the reality check, far stronger than idea of love and romance being possible with him. in fact, raising the Titanic is easier than reconciling with most of these guys.
i hope you really did get a cake. you deserve much more than that. many many cakes.
What’s sad is that afterall we have been thru, we could handle a call that they died way better than we can making discoveries and having triggers.
At least I’d know my sa hell was over if I ever got that call.
Dearest For now,
Just remember sister…. Your SA hell can be over anyway…. Someday….. When you are ready!!
Roommates? Don’t settle girl! I’ve seen your pics!!! 🙂
I had that exact same feeling when my husband admitted he was skipping classes to act out in sex chats. School was something beyond important to him. If he could do that with something he held so much as a pillar of what he wanted to accomplish for himself, there was nothing left of the man I thought I knew.
I seriously wanted nothing more than to throw him out and never see him again at that exact moment. In my heart and mind, I already did; having to physically co-habit with him is all that is left to remove myself from. Eventually.
Take care of yourself. I know what a strange feeling it is.
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