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Or rough couple of days, I guess. I don’t know where any of this is heading but I know I’m getting to some sort of breaking point. It’s not even so much about the sex addiction behaviors as it is about the complete and utter helpless self pity my husband continues to wallow in. The lack of grownup attitude. The childish expression and tone of voice, that glazed-over “mommy fix it for me” look. Of course the more I tell him I won’t parent him and that he needs to grow a fucking pair, the more he’ll run to “safe” places to “comfort” himself. Supposedly he hasn’t for the past six months. A good part of the time that’s true, as we spent most of that time almost constantly together; he worked from home and I hung out at his campus during the day – partly to get out of the house and partly because that fucker will not skip classes to go sell his asshole again. Not after everything we sacrificed to give him the opportunity to go to school. I’m sure some will label that co-dependent. I preferred to see it as giving him the finger.
I’m full of so much resentment and anger and rage, and that’s one big reason I joined this site. I have nowhere to vent all this crap that’s slowly killing the person I am. I went off on my husband last night and some of the things I said to him horrify me. I want out of this so badly, but I need to kick my own ass to stop being lazy and get to doing what is necessary to move on. This marriage has been dead and over for nearly a year now, and he hasn’t done a damn thing to show otherwise. I could maybe have dealt with the relapse if he’d continued to make progress and act like a man. I just want to fucking drown his ugly little boy face.
I want peace and serenity again. I want adventure and fun times and happiness. And I think most of all I want support, since there’s no getting out of this as myself otherwise. 🙁
avinea,
I can very much relate to your anger at his helplessness and self pity. My STBX does the same thing, and he gets people to feel sorry for him. And because I am angry, he makes me out to be the cause of his problems. I sacrificed like crazy for his success as well.I remember trying to talk to one of our marriage counselors about my anger and resentment, and she told me that I just needed to realize how lucky I am and make up my mind to be happy about it.
So, we are here to listen to you vent. We will get your anger and all the pain and grief behind it. There seem to be not too many places where a woman is “allowed” to be angry. But how can we not be angry with the way they have violated us?
I wasn’t on SOS much the last few days and missed your introduction. Do you have kids? What is keeping you with him?
Close your eyes and click your heels together 3 times and say “there is no home with that piece of shit, low life, mother fuckin prick. I’m getting out of this shit if it’s the last thing I do and he can rot for all I care.”
Do this about 5 times per day or as needed…..
Vent away honey. You earned it. You don’t need our advice, you know what to do. You just need to gather your strength to do it. He does NOT get to suck you into this smut for the second time and look at you to fix it.
You are not alone any more and you are not codependent. Your going to be fine 🙂
I suppose I should be “happy” that my husband doesn’t try to blame his self pity on me or my anger or whatever. Occasionally he’ll make a comment, but never with conviction and he’ll apologize when I call him on it, rather than defend it. It’s that way with most of his behavior. He still prefers to run away, avoid, and piss himself if I express my resentment, no matter if it’s the nice “communicative” way we learned in therapy or if I just start swearing at him. Because that’s so much better…
I stay with him due to not being financially independent. I haven’t worked since we have been married, which just passed eight years. I also don’t drive, which complicates matters. I was supposed to start school myself this fall, and my husband keeps wanting to teach me to drive – but I grew up inheriting my mother’s fear of driving, and haven’t done much to get myself over it. This is what I mean by kicking myself in the ass. I have things I personally need to do, but I’m either lazy or depressed or I don’t know what, because I just don’t. I don’t hate myself, but I do hate that about myself and I have yet to figure out WHY I’m being that way. Pathetic, isn’t it? 🙁
I also don’t have anyone in the area for support. We moved here for my husband’s job and never made any friends. My family lives several states away, and his family all needs to blow up and burn. They’re several shades of crazy and we haven’t had any contact with them in nearly five years. And by crazy, I mean my husband’s mother molested him for years and outright offered herself to him sexually before our wedding. Not surprising he ended up so screwed in the head. I only wish I had known this stuff then.
I guess the answer is to live politely with him until I learn to drive and find whatever job I can get, and start school as planned, but it’s getting too hard to look at the helpless little boy cringing his way around the house every day, and harder still to hold back my disgust and rage. He’s got clean time for now, but the moment that’s gone I just don’t know.
I really am venting today, aren’t I? 😛
I’m enjoying your sweet lavender avatar, and your raging sensibilities!
Just let it fly. Then it passes and you can get something done about making the break and rebuilding a good life that you deserve.
Oh God NO, you should not be happy about his self pity. I want to smack the shit out of him myself just from your description. I would lose my mind if I had to listen to that every day. Like Bev said, vent away. We will hate him right along with you. It’s healthy and sometimes it’s the only way to cope.
Avinea – I’m not a mental health professional so take this with a grain of salt, but I think everything you said on this thread is very healthy. Just like you said, you need a place to vent and get support in order to get yourself to the next step. It hurts to hear you beating yourself up so much. I don’t think a single one of us had a D-Day and was able to say the next day, “gee, our relationship has been a huge lie and you’ve deceived and betrayed me repeatedly – but oh, well…no biggie, I’m leaving you and moving on.” All of our stories chronicle a long, agonizing, painful journey. I wish that wasn’t the case and this could be easier, but it just isn’t.
Vent away and reach out for support whenever you need it. You’ll be ready to save yourself from this hell one day.
Actually, I didn’t say “oh well, no biggee”….. But I DID say, “I’m leaving you and moving on”. I said it in my mind on D day and I said it to SA 4 months later. In the meantime, following D day- I printed off every shred of evidence I had after installing a key logger (which is what led to “D day”).
So, just to add a twist to the mix- I knew something was definitely off, I discovered what it was, (double life), I somehow kept my trap shut, and spent weeks printing off a foot and a half pile of evidence, pictures and all).
This discovery was in January of 2011. I went to a recommended FEMALE attorney in May of the same year, I filed for a divorce, and it was completely over by November of the same year. (2011)
Suspicious > Keylogger > D day > Divorce > Done
No, it wasn’t easy…..it was horrifying…. My worst nightmare…..my biggest fears……my broken heart…..
We and we alone are responsible for our own happiness. Was I happy to divorce my husband of 17 years? Of course not! Was I scared shitless? Hell yes. Did I want to leave the beautiful home we had built together? Fuck no.
But even worse- did I want to live with a lying, cheating, blame shifting, gas lighting, SOB, Narc who took advantage of me our entire marriage and thought NOTHING of breaking every vow and committment he made? I would have to ask my self- why in the hell would you even consider staying?
To me, the answer was simple. The “getting there” was another story. But I don’t regret what I did and how quickly I did it for one second. Not one.
Ah, but SL, you’d already had years of suspicions, of catching him cheating (?), of no sex? Yours, too, if I recall, was a journey of many stops and starts, like most of us. Don’t get me wrong–you’re one of my heroes. But I want to be sure that Avinea understands that we KNOW and sympathize with her fear and frustration, her doubts about whether to leave or try. Of course, I vote leave too, though I myself am stuck in the muck. Avinea, I have stayed four years past d-day. I divorced him when he stopped going to meetings and therapy, after which he begged me to give him another chance and started back. I am in and out of this, but mostly in, which means I do not move on with my life, which means his “condition” drags on me constantly, which means I remain immersed in the ugly world that is SA. Free yourself, I say.
Touché!
I guess I was just thinking about it from a D day and out perspective. You are correct. The marriage was never perfect to begin with and basically should have ended before it started. How 17 years slipped by, I’ll never know. So yes, I get your point, March. I, too, struggled…. I just didn’t have a name for it and definitely didn’t know how deep he was in. Once that was uncovered…. The decision was simple. Not easy….. But simple.Hi Avinia,
Just read your post and your anger, frustration, and resentment is sooo appropriate. We can wait ’til the cows come home’ (grew up on a farm) and nothing is going to change particularly if they are the ‘perpetual victim’ and are too immature to even do anything or choose not to do anything. It’s not a mutual relationship. It’s a ball and chain at best. Use your energy on yourself and you will be amazed at what you can accomplish and excitement will return to your life.
Love, NapAnd I really admire you, SL, for seeing the truth so clearly and accepting it for what it was. The way you made the hard choices and moved on with your life is inspiring.
SOS + Celexa + supportive son and older brother + great CSAT + bulldog attorney + hope for a better life + courage = freedom! IN THAT ORDER!
A little help never hurts! Don’t give me too much credit! 🙂
But thanks!
It’s really hard to leave. It’s really hard to stay. I must say that I was stuck in the muck, feet in cement, on the fence and then the fence really started to hurt my ass.
Living with him and the constant worrying and the pain of seeing him knowing that he could never give me what I needed was exhausting. Not just mentally exhausting, but physically exhausting. I thought I had a disease. I did, but the disease was outside of my body. I slept all the time. I was never free from fatigue. All of my energy went into fighting this battle that I could not win. My doctor was thinking of adding another anti-depressant, but I didn’t want to take any more pills.
As soon as I decided to leave and really had a plan in place, all of a sudden, my energy came back. No more constant worry, no more checking up on him, no more eggshells.
When I am tired now, it is because I’ve done some physical labor or I’m just normal tired at bedtime. No more wanting to close my eyes and crawl under the covers every chance I got. I didn’t have a disease, I didn’t need another pill, I needed to leave my husband.
It was the hardest, scariest, anxiety provoking thing I have ever done.
It took 10 years so don’t worry if you think you should be ready to move forward ASAP. If you are thinking about it, I wish you would. I wasted a lot of years. A lot of years being tired. I missed out on life and living while I was sleeping.
Now I know what it feels like on the other side.There definitely is no easy in this. Once the cards have been dealt you’ve got to decide to play or fold. And some days that decision is easier than others, and one day it’ll change – there will be something that will completely change your mind – either to stay or go.
He still tries to engage in gaslighting – this week has been a classic example – today he told me I had to let him go… we’ve been separated 2 and a half years FFS! I left. We did have a brief try to get back together last summer but today he admitted the reason for the lies back then was because he was resentful I wasnt working on clearing up my side of the street… hmmm. Not engaging – he’s still not listening.I guess where I’m going with this – do what feels most right to you and protect yourself at all costs. And love yourself and honour yourself.
Contrary to Laststraws feelings, I again felt extremely exhausted AFTER my SAH moved out. While he was still living with us I would jerk in my sleep. He even mentioned it to me on a few ocassions. When I awoke during the night sometimes I was extremely tense and had to slowly unwind my body consciously. The feeling was so scary. I find that I sleep well now. I am catching up on the decent sleeps that I missed out on. My mind was constantly working. I hated it to say the least when he came in all hours of the morning. It’s crazy the emotions you experience, also the denial I think. I remember a counsellor asking me once, how much more evidence do you need? I stayed in this marriage for 27 years. Dont ask me how I made it? I have made a choice though not to regret the years I stayed but rather to say, it’s my time to leave now. I know what I am leaving behind. It is nothing that someone else told me to do, or that anyone saw him do. It’s MY discovery and MY decision. Not easy hey, but WE know exactly as women who have been there and are still there what this is all about. Avinea I have been where you are….. It stings….. just keep talking… You make so much sense. We are here for you!
Avinea – your anger sounds very healthy to me so use it to drive you forward. Put a plan in place – one day at a time – that will help you meet your goals. Do you go to an indiv. therapist? Have you talked to him/her about your fear of driving? What if you take baby-steps in learning how – read the driver’s manual and practice taking the test. Maybe go to an arcade that has a driving game and practice there? Use your bastard of an H to show you how to drive (he’s gotta be good for something, right?) I don’t know but I would think that once you make steps toward learning and you gain confidence, your fear will start to subside?
Also, I don’t know if you have children but even if you do – what about moving back home? Or close to home and be near your friends & family and much-needed support?
I say it all the time to new sisters but being on this site is such an amazing step in the right direction and your education regarding all things SA-related, will increase tremendously. (Too bad you can’t get a BS degree in that!).
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