- This topic has 24 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 12 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Guess who went and had a “slip?” And is continuing to pout and be resentful about being caught?
Six months of “clean time” doesn’t really last when bastard assholes have opportunity, does it? In a recovery chat room, no less. The coward would never have done shit like that in a real face-to-face meeting, but names on a glowing screen? Typical.
I really want to just throw him out now. I told him he could start looking for another place to live, and of course he’s “going to be present and work his recovery” at that. Right. I don’t get why these coward shits want to stick around when being on their own means they get to be as much of a pervert fuckup as they want. Seriously. We’re going to fight and have problems about it, why stay?
My mother is planning to move to the area in March and is suggesting I wait until she’s here to move forward, so that way I have support. Asshole prickfuck is supposed to graduate in May. One part of me wants to see him through to graduation, but the other just wants him gone so I can rebuild my life. I know I should wait until my mother is here and until I have money moved to my own bank account. I just don’t know that I mentally have the strength.
So many lost and broken dreams. 🙁
Avinea,
So sorry and I can totally relate to your feelings. Your mother sounds really nice and supportive. Can you wait that long? It’s sickening what they do. When my Xh was in ‘recovery’ while we were still married, he started skipping his meetings to use that time for a ‘hookup’. I didn’t know it until his sponsor called me asking me why he missed his last 3 meetings. MFAH.
~NapStart taking and hiding money if you’re going to keep him in the house. Open a secret bank account. Start buying gas cards, gift cards, etc. for emergencies.
Also, buy things now that you’re going to need to make things easier. Before I kicked my first husband out, for instance, I bought exercise equipment, because I had young children and knew no one would be around to watch them so I could jog or go to the gym. Just an example.
Yes. Use your debit card every time you shop and get extra cash. Stash it somewhere away from home. ~ JoAnn
I’m sorry. I guess you have to try to think of what you can tolerate. It is a good idea to plan and be cool headed. I was that way for a long time and THEN I found out what he ws doing in my home and I just blew like Mt Vesuvius . I sprang into action with little or no regard for my own security. I have never regretted it. I only regret I didn’t do it 3 years earlier. If you are still thinking of seeing him through graduation then perhaps you should wait until your mother comes and start hiding money like March said. For me…at that particular point…there was no waiting any longer. Karen xx
I have no idea why making concrete plans hurts so damn much. I don’t even think I care about him, since I haven’t had much in the way of emotions that haven’t been anger and hatred for him in over a year. I think I’m mourning for what should have been, but that’s not any sort of healthy way to look at it. None of us are promised anything. 🙁
This is the first time in a long time I’ve felt pain instead of anger. I hate it.
March, he’s been attending online meetings for awhile, and for the most part they seemed to be a good idea. Not long ago he joined another recovery chat, this one full of people (the other tended to have people only during meetings), and one of the men in there has similar issues as husband does. They got to talking in private chat, and I glanced over to see them encouraging each other in their perversions. I guess it was just too easy for the asshole idiot when he was already looking for excuses to run away. He just took what was there.
Of course, he then tried to lie and deny and pretend they were just “relating” their stories to help each other “recover.” Yeah, I sort of know better. There was no ambiguity about the shit they were saying. And he acted out again the next day, browsing things on the cellphone. I’m pretty sure he’ll be finding some way to act out today too. Why should I even care at this point?
I’m cleaning up right now, tidying the damn place not because I’m proud of our home and life together, but because it feels like a mental exercise in clearing things out so I can sit down and focus on what’s going to happen next. I don’t even know what that is.
And then a part of me wonders, am I crying and in pain and upset because I’m not getting MY way? I don’t get a nice husband and a child and the ability to stay at home and not have to go out and maintain and manage everything myself? Is that what my fear really is?
And then I want to know when I became that sort of lazy person who doesn’t have motivation and effort to put into her own damn life. That makes me feel like I’m no better or different than husband, with the exception that I don’t whore around. Whooptee.
Hang in there kiddo, you are NOT lazy and you deserve a great life. There are some fabulous ideas here from the sisters about doing little things to start to lay the foundation for a life that nourishes you! I hear so much courage in your words and am sending you a big hug! Zoey
Avinea, I go through those same self-doubting hoops that you seem to be going through. I’m scared of changing the status quo because I feel so exhausted and depleted, but then I wonder if it’s just laziness. I can pay lip service to the whole idea of trauma and the toll it takes on us, yet I can’t really seem to apply it to myself fully. I start mentally smacking myself around. I read about what happens to partners after years of living with a narcissist, and how they become slowly and insidiously depleted. Yet I still think, ‘maybe I’m looking for an excuse, maybe I’m just deficient, yada yada yada.’ If you have a history of self-doubt..like I do.. it’s really hard to just step back and consider that all this really has taken a toll on you, physically, emotionally, mentally. Go easy on yourself, Avinea. I think sometimes we don’t fully realize just how exhausting this whole SA mess is. xoxo
I agree with you anniem. The whole thing is exhausting. Like you, I have a history of self doubt and I am too trusting of others. I have to constantly remind myself that people are very disappointing.
Avinea,
You need to do what you need to do. If he is making your life totally miserable and you know longer recognize yourself, a couple of months of hanging on may not be worth it.Is there someone he can stay with- can you say you just want some space? Maybe that won’t be such an overwhelming step? Move some money to your own bank account first.
BTW, I highly doubt you are lazy. Everyone is right- these guys drain the life out of you. I’d believe depressed or just plain exhausted before lazy. AND you have every right to cry because you aren’t getting your way. He has trashed your hopes and dreams. That is a loss and you have every right to grieve it.
These guys have an astute way of insidiously slowly sucking the life out of us. It’s our job and responsibility to take our life back and when we do, it feels good again.
I’ve wondered if part of it is depression. My general nature is far too open and cheerful for me to think I could be dealing with that, but who knows? It’s hard to believe I really am THAT unmotivated about my own life without there being something behind it.
We were driving over to husband’s SA 12 step meeting earlier (I’m waiting around in a coffee shop now, as we had things to do on this side of town anyway), and he said to me, “You know, I really don’t think I’m as powerless as I say I am.” Naw, really? I told him that if he had spent the past six months working on dealing with his past and moving forward building a healthy life, and he had a “slip” or two in there due to poor decision making control, it would have been far better than waving a 6-month chip that clearly did nothing in the end. Clean time means nothing without actual RECOVERY.
Probably fell on deaf ears, but oh well. It’s a new year, time for a new me.
That whole “chip” thing for not cheating on your wife is just ludicrous.
I would love to see any husband/partner on this site applaud us for getting a chip for NOT fucking the fedex guy……
When these assholes start getting confident in their ability to overcome this, that’s a sure sign of trouble. When they can’t make the connections to why they do this, it does not bode well for future recovery. Avinea – I think you should talk to a doc. about depression – there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking an anti-depressant, if you need that. It may help you gain clarity, have more energy and be able to focus on coming up with a plan.
Oh God FC you ain’t lying about them feeling confident that they can overcome this. Mine did that after the first time I punted his ass to the curb and all kinds of bells, whistles and alarms went off in my head and gut hearing him say that after coming home weeks later.
Then bit by bit by bit it became clear he was hiding looking at porn again until I caught him at the adult bookstore last spring.
Their confidence in overcoming sa is ALWAYS a giant red flag.
And Bev, true that what you said. I mentioned to my h once that maybe I should go out and fuck a few guys to even the score. That was met with a OH HELL NO bc that would be wrong.
I told him Really? Hypocritical much???
I have this crazy urge to actually go out and fuck everybody I can find and just laugh as I tell him the details and show him the pics……
It’s just not who I am so I won’t but I laugh at the thought.
We have a neighbor who’s friends with Greg and who has a son Lola plays with (yes, she’s more like a 9-yr-old boy than a 13-yr-old girl). The neighbor, Lenny, grew up in Florida (nothing against Florida–I aim to live there eventually) and lawn-chair-sunbathes in the front yard whenever it’s sunny, even in winter. His skin is like leather. Lenny has his own landscaping biz. He’s tall and thin but with one of those guts skinny men can have. He is a recovering drug addict, who works hard in recovery but spouts 12-step shit constantly. Since Greg got the apartment, Lenny has been extra-super-nice to me, offering to help me out with things, calling some mornings to see how I’m doing. To the point that I stopped answering. Greg has noticed this and makes jokes about it. Lately, though, the jokes have an edge to them. Sunday, Greg and Lo went to some friends’ to watch the Falcons game. While they were gone, Lenny brought his dog down and put him in the fence to play with our dogs (common occurrence). After Greg and Lola got home, Lenny called to see if I knew where his dog’s harness was (my dogs had ripped it off in the back yard). Greg asked me, “Did Lenny come over while we were gone?” I said, “Yeah, we did it right there on the rug.” Then I told him that if, at any time in this past year, I could have brought myself to fuck Lenny, I WOULD have–and that Greg would have been the SECOND person to know about it–AFTER LENNY, who, I ASSURED HIM, would have KNOWN IT. I told Greg I’d LOVE for him to know what it feels like to have his partner fuck white trash (I realize that’s a little mean and unfair since I myself come from a long line of trailer-park-dwellers, but it was just a point) like he did–someone we both know, someone I’d never choose as a boyfriend or spouse. I’d love for him to have to live with that. But I could never bring myself to touch Lenny. And I’ve managed to get through two horrible marriages without compromising those particular values.
Avinea, Annie – I so sympathize with where you are at…it seems like the pain of staying and the pain of leaving are both unendurable options. If only there was some other, better choice! I wished for that so many times.
I stayed in it through multiple “slips” and finally just got to the point where I thought any more would destroy me. After 14 years of marriage (7 of them spent dealing with this stuff), we are finally separated, living in two separate places as of this past Saturday.
Never, ever, ever thought I would get here. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done – if not the hardest. But I am SO RELIEVED I finally did it. Not that these past few days haven’t been hard (and I’m sure many hard days are ahead of me), but it is like I’ve climbed a huge mountain and finally made it over the peak.
The only thing I can tell you that might help is that I’m not sure there ever is a “good time” to separate. I kept postponing it and coming up with excuses to myself (I’ll wait until after this, I’ll wait until my kids are older, etc.) Finally accepted that there will just never be a good time to do it. When I start second-guessing myself, I’ve been asking myself, “which decision are you more likely to look back 5 years from now and regret?” That helps.
It’s so hard. Hang in there.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.