New Boyfriends

I met my sweetie Marc 2 years after D-day, 2 years after my ex and I stopped sleeping in the same room (this was immediate), 20 months after I sold the house.

Before Marc, I thought I would go through life without anyone ever having loved me. I thought I was just “meant to be one of those unloved women”. At the same time I had clear expectations and boundaries for a relationship because I had been conned by my ex. I found that with a real human being, you can work things through with respect and affection. Yes, I think there are some wounds that are healed by love. I learned I was a desirable, passionate woman, who was a good an open lover when someone else actually showed up. That was a healing. But also I realized how little joy was in my previous relationship and that what there was, I had brought by myself. Now there are two people bringing joy. What a difference!
In sharing my story with Marc, he has had a steep learning curve. He is secure and trusts my love for him, so when I need to talk something through he is not freaked out. Sometimes he’ll look at me as say something like ‘how could anyone know you and watch you everyday and not want to cherish you and love you?” And I know he’s wondering about my ex. But he is also seeing me “push back” in our relationship–being clear about what I need and expect and calling him on things that don’t work for me. I have not always known what to do in a relationship that wasn’t marriage, so that’s been new for me. We are both highly individuated by circumstance and nature, so we have to watch how easily we each go into single focus activities without reference to the other–like with work projects or personal interests etc. We don’t live together although talk about ending up that way one day. Currently I like being able to go home and be alone with my cat. I still need that. It’s too much effort to be with someone all the time for me right now. I’m afraid I will get swallowed up again. We don’t plan vacations together, although we sometimes spend part of vacation together. Part of my concern is that he has a lot more money than I do and it’s just hard to plan anything that I can afford. He’s been generous with me when we want to do something, but that doesn’t work for me all the time and he knows I want to be as equal a partner as I can be. So it’s a compromise.

I have been open about the times when I have PTSD episodes. He’s understanding. It’s rare enough now that it doesn’t get in the way of what’s going on between us. And we aren’t together all the time, so he doesn’t have to deal with it all the time it’s happening. I have a hunch he’s concerned that if I being to work professionally in this whole area, it will take up too much of my life, but that’s not his decision and he knows that. And I have the same concern anyway. But I will do what I want to do.

I did once. Airplane sites and apple products.

Diane I’m really happy for you and your new life. I haven’t met my new boyfriend yet. I’m totally fine (and enjoying) singlehood. If the right person came along I’d be happy with that too : )

Bonnie, I’m so happy for you and both your guys are handsome! And you are absolutely radiant! Thanks for sharing the picture.

Bonnie Blue, sooo glad to see you! I’ve missed you! I couldn’t be happier for you girl!

Oh Bonnie, I have been thinking of you all week and your very brave exodus. How wonderful to know you have met someone you like. Have fun, and be smart.
D.xo

Hi Bonnie,

So nice to see you happy. When I think back to how unhappy you were and then how quickly you turned it all around. Feel the fear and do it anyway sure worked out well for you and I am so glad. Love Karen

I believe that my “trust button” is irrevocably broken, but good for you gals that were able to move on and find love again. I am happy for you.

Diane – you made me cry. I wish you lived next door.

I’d like to meet someone. Just to have a drink with. Or some fun. Maybe some passion, but mostly physical contact and to be touched in a loving intimate way. I’m craving some positive attention. If anyone has any single contacts in the south west of the UK who fit the bill of being remotely normal with no undealt with baggage please give them my number!

I imagine that the hardest part of leaving them is that fear of being alone. Interesting how most people assume that will be the outcome, despite a fair amount of evidence to the contrary. It seems the longer the relationship…the greater the fear. If the statistics are correct, there are quite a few divorced people by the time you reach 40 or 50 so there must be some people who are single out there? The next fear…they will all be weirdos because their marriages ended, even though we all know our own marriages ended with us loving and trying so hard. I have the same fear myself and it runs right along side another firm belief of mine….that it is never too late and life is meant to be lived…not just existed. Even when they try, most of these men are so troubled they can only be caricatures of what a real husband would be. Its interesting that most of us do not fear ending up with someone like that… most of all? Seems many of us would prefer to wait around for the “real” guy to show up rather than plunging into the great unknown and finding a REAL guy who could provide the affection, safety and actual presence that so many of us are starving for. Even worse, are those of us so scarred by the experience of loving and trusting a hollow mask, we have just given up on the possibilities of life and
love for ourselves. The fear and pain can be crippling but I don’t want to limp through the rest of my life broken and afraid to take a risk or a chance. For those that have left or are trying to…don’t give up and don’t despair that they were your last chance. I struggle with those feelings but I am sure they cannot be true. I am sure they are just a reflection of being abused and the paralyzing fear that it would happen again.We are not the same women we were before. Something happened to us. Surely being changed forever must mean a change in outcome? The pattern cannot just repeat, not when we are no longer the same people.We cannot rise from the ashes and just go back to the same old, same old? That does not seem rational to me. As soon as we get the energy, we must cease the day. Carpe diem and all that good stuff. 😉 Karen xx

Me too, Annie. Me too.