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This is my own March- (and Avinea and Starwinkle and…) inspired post. We have heard the rationales about why we don’t leave- finances, children, too much history to just let it go, too old to start over, etc. And for everyone of those reasons, you can find exceptions of women who left despite that. Or stayed when they didn’t have that. Leaving isn’t simple, but when you get right down to it, it is survivable.
I’m not saying that why we stay is good, bad, or otherwise.
But we have pretty much all tolerated the intolerable at some level.Why do we do that?
Well I am definitely no scientist (far from it) but in my family we refer to this as the difficulty in overcoming inertia. Change is always difficult and some people resist it more than others. My brother, for example, is well known for his inability to get off his ass and get stuff done. Which explains why he owns a condo that had a serious water leak in the basement EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO (no, I’m not exaggerating) and it’s still sitting vacant, waiting for repairs. Can you imagine the black mold?? We are absolutely not allowed to mention the condo in his presence. Hey single sisters, my brother is 45, never been married, hasn’t had a serious relationship in over a decade (another way he hasn’t been unable to overcome inertia) and available! Anyone want his number? LOL
I have to disagree Catherine. Tolerating the intolerable doesn’t make you brave or strong. It makes you highly tolerant.
I think it’s the trauma. I think March said a long time ago. Treat the trauma first. I truly believe the trauma and ptsd leads to inertia….
Daisy I’m not suggesting I’m brave and strong. I think Im gutless staying. I’m suggesting those that leave are brave and strong. Is that a problem for you?
Because three years later I’m still completely f–d. Because leaving at this point petrifies me. Because I don’t know if I will be happy moving on from my 30 year marriage that I have put my heart and soul into. Maybe I’m just so f–d up that I won’t find a partner because I won’t trust anyone again. I don’t want to be alone. My children are older so my focus is not on them. They have their own lives. I am alone.
I’m glad you started this post, Teri, b/c this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I mentioned in another post the other day about a conversation I had with my H. recently and it was a pretty good conversation and it sparked some long-dormant hope in me. The next day I woke up thinking – I’m not sure if he was sincere or if he was emotionally manipulating me. But just that little bit of hope has planted itself into my heart again and now I feel less sure of wanting to separate. This time, I’m not even angry with H. (he seems sincere in his recovery but this has been a very recent change) – I am accepting that I allowed myself to be sucked back in b/c I want “the dream” back. I want to have a marriage that “is even better than before” (phrase used by my H.) even though logically I know that even the most devout recovered SA will most likely relapse. So, I think a lot of the difficulty in leaving is the fear of the unknown but it’s also the hope that we can get them “back” – we haven’t quite let-go of what we knew they once were and what we think they can be again.
Catherine, my post was not directed at you. I should have said: Tolerating the intolerable doesn’t make one brave or strong, it makes one highly tolerant. I meant it in general terms, not you specifically. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
I’ve posted this before, and muddled it up then too, because it’s hard to put into words. But for me one of the reasons (along with the inertia that Bev mentioned) is that persistent love that you have for them as a family member, that seems to exist over and above love for them as a spouse/partner. Which I guess in itself isn’t a real good sign and shows that the partner love has been replaced by something platonic or whatever. And then there’s this stubborn and futile feeling of ‘prove to me that the last 22 years weren’t for nothing.’ It’s all a bunch of bollocks really. xoxo
Yeah Annie, the more I look at this, the real reason partners stay is a whole lot more to do with the things WE cannot let go of- hope,history,money and the illusory belief that as long as we are with a man of any kind we are not alone in the world. It is a bunch of bollocks (and how do you even know that expression- that is Irish- I have never heard it out of Ireland?) 🙂
“the illusory belief that as long as we are with a man of any kind we are not alone in the world” The real truth for me is that when my H and I were living together but cut off from one another as far as intimacy and communication went because of his affair, THAT was when I was the loneliest I have ever been in my life. Being physically alone in my house is a walk in the park compared to that. I wanted to die on a daily basis when he cut himself off from me with no explanation and looked at me with judgment and disdain. It was soul destroying. This time being alone is my own choice and absolutely necessary for my healing and recovery.
Why did I stay? For all the reasons listed. I tried to maintain a successful second marriage over and over. I stayed because I believed lies, I believed promises, I waited for promises to be fulfilled. I stayed because when he acted like a monster, it was so unbelievable that I was sure he would come to his senses. He would. Briefly. Then switch back to being a monster, then back again. WTF?
I stayed because therapist (his) said there was hope. I stayed because women are strong and can suffer for family, right?
Here’s what happened – I will tell it again to forwarn ALL of you thinking of staying “till death do us part”. He stopped acting out, I guess. Was taking polys every 3 months, then every 6 months and passing with flying colors and glowing reports. Awful, Awful, GOD AWFUL for me, but that is another story.
I wouldn’t let him touch me until I felt he earned my trust and love. Well years passed and gradually he became very defensive about polys and started staring at girls on our street while wearing sun glasses.
Then he exploded. Picked a huge fight over nothing. Said I probably wanted to stab him next to a set of knives. I was so confused. He got totally pissed and said that I was a big problem in the relationship. After years of saying that I was wonderful. Said he was calling a realtor to sell the house immediately. After years of saying how much he loved our life and family and wanted it to be forever.
Then he started shaking and had what appeared to be a psychotic break for about 5 minutes. After he looked up at me and did not see me. He has never been “the nice guy” since. He is not all there. No memory of events. I was his perpetrator from childhood I guess. PTSD, aging brain, trauma reenactment???? Who knows. He was about 63 then.
From that moment on he verbally attacked me as if he was terrified of me. He was delusional and paranoid. He moved himself into our shitty, cold, cluttered, small storage room and said he loved it. He said I never wanted to be with him anyway. He said it’s over and their was no money for us to live apart.
As the days, weeks and months went by, whenever someone was around, he would act normal. He would vacillate between saying do you want anything at the store with berating me in vicious ways.
I kept trying to orient him to reality and it made him pissed at hell. He would escalate.
I said from the beginning – you need a psychiatric eval and MRI. Thought he had a stroke. I set a boundary and he hated that.
Began to tell friends. Began to tell family. Told my kids that they needed to help me figure out what to do. He refused all evals and shot off like a volcano when I insisted.
I got sick, really sick – had him removed with the help of a crisis line and one son. I was sick with PTSD symptoms constantly for months. Then I got physically sick. Had surgery, had major complications. Couldn’t work. At times I couldn’t even shop or cook. I lost myself for months.
He became a buddist. Many did not believe he could be so awful. BASTARD.
So here’s the upshot. These guys are really, really damaged. They have bad times where they blame us. Guess what? It can get so damn much worse. It has been so hard to have anyone tell me what happened to him. What I had to do was just focus on me. It has been almost 4 years. I’m not myself but I am healing. I have my health back for the most part.
Thanks for listening again. I’m cooked. It is like he died but is not actually dead. He is flipping crazy. Has lived in a 12 x 12 room for almost 4 years in a buddist temple. Guess who always hated any type of religion???? He has never had the kids there. What are they supposed to think for godssake?
Nightmare material he is. Your guy? Could this happen to his aging brain? Does their PTSD get more bizarre with age. Google it.
In truth, I could almost be homeless if it wasn’t for my BF or I would have had to sell everything is a down market. I can’t work. I CAN’T WORK. I can’t take anymore stress. I’
m cooked.Guess who took ALL our liquid savings and got away with it? Smart, crazy MF.
Sisters, don’t risk it, OK? I fear for all of you and I understand the reasons for staying. I embraced them like a saint.
Does anyone have a similar story?
I can only tell you why I couldn’t leave, repeatedly tried to leave and couldn’t, and now left but with panic and remorse: He is a self diagnosed sex addict but I thought he had resolved that in the first two years of our 12 year marriage. Over the ensuing years he was Jekyll and Hyde – a gentle pediatrician for a few weeks, then irrational behavior and abuse: he picks the trivial fight, disappears, acts like a brutal cold stranger and recruits his family’s sympathy who also are brutally cold to me. This has been the cycle for years. It will be over that I moved a rug he liked, that I let my maltese sleep in our bed, that I didn’t get off work the weekend his daughter came to town….finally when he got fired from his job and decided to move back to the town where his family lives, I decided to keep my job and stay. So I got an apartment and told him we would see how it goes. No talk of divorce at this point. 2 months later, he is already openly in another sexual relationship with his family’s blessing. He texted me like a cold stranger to tell me he had to divorce me because that was a vital element to his healing and that his family doesnt care what happens to me. It hit me like a ton of bricks that every irrational bait and disappear has been his acting out his sexual addiction which I thought was done and over long ago. Now I realize what a stranger he has been which sends me into panic attacks multiple times a day and at night, but the helplessness of being so invalidated and without a voice while he smugly carries on with his family’s support, texting me instead of even talking to me to avoid disclosure and avoid giving me validation or even an apology is hell. This is why I have always been afraid to leave, that I will never truly believe it isn’t my fault because I’m treated so much like it is. I wanted to leave without drama but now he blindsides me with this and I feel I am going crazy. I know this isn’t rational but it has become part of my psyche over the last 15 years. He never apologized. I went to therapy solo once a month for 7 years and he gaslighted with his family. I am pursuing a fault divorce just to have the validation of that judgment in print just to feel free of his and his family’s blame. I know this is all jumbled up – that is my brain right now. Its like terminally having the wind knocked out of you. Or being terminally branded after being betrayed. Its so hard to let it go like that.
What I guess I’m trying to say is that it was so important to me that it be my choice to leave, and now he has even taken that away from me.
Thanks for telling your hard story bsi. It stinks.
I say you go and get yourself one kickass lawyer and give him and his miserable family some real reasons not to like you!I understand how disorienting this whole experience is. He’ trying to make his moves while you’re off balance. Right now they’re bullying you. I don’t like bullies. If you stand up for yourself sister, we will stand with you.
start by getting a good lawyer who will be your advocate.
Diane.
Bsi, honey, that is one awful story but you are no longer alone. Count on that. You now have an army of sisters for support. We are with you all the way. In addition to a good lawyer, you need a good therapist right away. Therapy once a month isn’t going to cut it. Get someone you feel comfortable with, don’t hesitate to shop around if the fit doesn’t feel right. If you read through the old posts, lots of the sisters have used various techniques like EDMR (I think that’s right) to reduce PTSD symptoms. And in the meantime, you’ve got us now.
{{{Hugs}}}
Daisybsi whoa your post took me back two years. You said it perfectly. ah honey everything was my fault too!! Except none of it really was. Don’t blame yourself for anything. Even if you did screw up it was a reaction to his manipulation. You are officially off the hook – he is the crazy one. And he got it from his family.
I am in the process of leaving. I never thought I would be here.
why?
1. My 31 year marriage needs a funeral. It must be put to rest. It is like a zombie that needs to be shot. Walking dead for sure.
2. If I won the lottery I would divorce him. That means it is merely about money now – and I won’t lose any more of myself for money. I’d rather clean hotel rooms for 80 hours a week than be his whore.
3. I need closure so I can gain my faith in mankind back. I need to distance myself from this lying, cheating world. I want to trust again.
4. I don’t mind being alone. I will volunteer, work part time, contribute help anywhere. I will still be productive. It is good to feel needed.
5. If I lose my friends (all couples) over this, than I guess they weren’t really my friends. I don’t need anymore fake in my world.
6. I can suffer through the gossip, judging, humiliation, that I IMAGINE goes with the divorce. Thats nothing compared to the hell I am climbing out of.
7. My kids need me happy and I need to be a good role model. I would not want them in this type of relationship – they don’t want me in one.
8. let go of all the hate, sadness, bitterness, anger, etc. I want to calm down and like march once said – worry about the dust on the baseboards again.
9. I can be friends with my h, I cannot be his prisoner anymore. I will never have a sexual relationship with him again. I still want to cheer with someone when our kids do great things. I can’t share sad things with him – my kids wont be vulnerable to him.
10. That quote – nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion. I’m glad I didn’t know it was an illusion because there were a lot of great years in there. But I cannot continue to live a lie.Damn Heide, you are on a roll! Another excellent post. I’m going to need an extra big pillow to put all your quotes on but it’s totally worth it ’cause you have said some really, really good stuff here.
Wow, there is so much of value in this thread! What strikes me at the core, is the phenomenon of sticking by someone who is screwed up long enough that they end up becoming convinced that WE were the source of their problem!!! That ladies is an incredibly bitter pill to swallow. And then, after being robbed of a loyal partner, being sex starved and denied feeling like a woman (many, not all of us), jumping through hoops to make life easier for someone and enduring mindgames and heartbreak–they actually dump YOU!!! Once they have depleted you. Once you can no longer muster up the enthusiasm to cheer them on anymore, because they have squashed your hope. Now that you have nothing left to feed their starving egos, and since that is all we have been to them–(Harsh Truth) someone or something to feed their insatiable black hole of neediness–now we have no value to them and can be cast aside.
I am out, and there is a part of me that senses that had I not had the courage to leave, that my husband would have continued in the status quo cycle of relapse and lies. But there is another part of me that wonders, and maybe that is actually why I was able to leave. Because once I started focusing on MY feelings and MY needs–things really shifted in a nasty way. They cant keep themselves on the back burner for very long (unlike many of us who have tolerated decades of being on the back burner), so when/if we start to be our own priority (which NONE of us seems very good at–we are the caregivers), it doesnt take long for Mr Hyde to raise his ugly head. And sometimes that jackass is successful at diverting our attention back to him and they again become our focus, our priority. But if he isnt successful, if we dont go back to giving him little medals, words of praise and validation, then sooner or later he will completely turn on us. And HE will be the one to leave. And we will be left barren and depleted!!! UGH!!!!
I think somehow knowing this helped me to leave. Every year that ticked by, I was getting older, more tired–being drained. I was something to be consumed/used by him, and we know what happens once something is consumed–it ends up in the garbage or the toilet! For all the shit I endured, I dont think I could have handled that nasty monster leaving me…
Anyway, sorry for the rant. There were other things I wanted to say, but this is what came out.
And I am especially pissed for Desiree, Bisgrest, Nap and anyone else who ended up being thrown away after going through this crap…And I realluy beleive that if we dont keep our focus on THEIR happiness and wellbeing, if we shift to taking care of ourselves, then THIS is the thanks we will likely get!Bonnie, PLEASE don’t apologize for your posts. I have to give you the same props I gave Heidi earlier. You are helping me so much! Your insight is tremendous. Thank you.
Love,
DaisyBonnie great post – the narcissist is not ok with letting his wife shine. We are supposed to adore them – not the other way around. I fed the beast for sure. I see the sorry look on his face when I am at ball games talking to new people, wearing new clothes etc. Sometime it actually makes me feel guilty! yikes shit run – the old me does that! Let him be the funny/pretty one!
If our relationship is this sick, and we divorce, maybe he hits bottom and then gets better? I believe he did these things because of me (not to me). He needed someone to cheat on – that is where all the fun was, sneaking around, getting away with naughty things. He may never find someone who fits the mould he needs to continue his nasty life. In other words – divorce maybe the best thing that happened to him too.
*his brother divorced and married a stranger 6 months later and started cheating on her right away. He got caught with my h. it was his 3 affair in 5 years, but they are fixing it~ he doesn’t have a problem like MY husband!!
#waitingforhimtoscrewupWhy did I stay as long as I did. I knew I was too traumatized to think clearly and I needed time to get my head back together. Period.
A chance came to make the break, there had to be a move. SA was not prepared to buy a new home for us, he had to go to a new job because he lost the old one re: penis activities.
So, I didn’t leave, I let him go. I stayed behind. Total risk, no income. But I just let it happen because moving with him was sealing our fate forever, I knew. If I left and tried to start over somewhere else, with SA trauma to boot, my chances of ever leaving were nil.
I stayed because I was crushed beyond functionality. But I’m out, now.
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