- This topic has 71 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 12 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Has anyone had an “official disclosure” I wanted on and pushed the issue, only to be told I need to wait until H gets his shit together a bit more. From what I gather, this has been going on his entire life to some degree. That will be a long list of abuses since we are 48 and have know each other since we were 17 and been married 21 years! I’m not sure what to ask for, can I get him to appologise for each item individually in writing? I’ll actually prefer if he just killed himself, … I know that is not right, or a christian thing to say… but I’m being honest. Let me know if any of you have been through this before and give me any advice… goc
GOC I didn’t have an official disclosure si I can’t help with that. I did however wish that my husband would meet an untimely death. I’m hearing you sister!
GOC- no disclosure for me either. I found out enough to decide on divorce with discovery. His dying would have been much easier. You aren’t alone at all in feeling that way.
Thanks for your replies, the world would be a much better place without men in it… ugh! I feel like spitting on him as he walks around the house moping.
Know the feeling GOC. I took a bottle of coke from the fridge and threw the contents on him while he was watching TV. He just looked at me, didnt say a word. I needed to vent, so I know the feeling. Also wished him dead many times. Wishing didnt help though!
GOC, I am six months out from DDay and my H has been seeing a CSAT for most of that time and I am still waiting on my official disclosure as well. I know my H and his therapist took a “break” from working on the disclosure around Christmas but have been working on it since then. I haven’t been given a firm date yet am hoping that it will happen in the next 6 weeks or so. Initially I was very impatient with what I perceived as a delay, but now I think it’s a good idea because one of the things they are working on is improving communication skills and trust me, my H desperately needs that before we get into the fallout of whatever is in the disclosure.
BTW, we are 50, have known each other since we were 17 and have been married for 23 years! And I definitely get what you said about death – we’ve referred to it here as “sympathy cards and casseroles” on several occasions!
Gail that is hilarious. What a gentle soul you are. Was it a whole bottle of coke? That would be the difference! My thoughts have been more about killing by H!
After I discovered some general stuff, my husband went to a 6 week intensive. The last week was family week so I went to participate in the program.
I received a disclosure. It was awful. I do think that therapist recommend disclosure of dates and activities but not too many gory details. I know more than I want but if I didn’t know I would want to know. Kind of a screwed if you know everything and screwed if you don’t feeling. The details now haunt me and make it harder for me to heal and my PTSD is worse.
For you I hope it happens soon so you know what you’re dealing with. I know the waiting is probably driving you crazyallcat62 it was a 500 ml of coke. I can still see the look on his face and the wet shirt. LOL. Hell you girls make me thank God I was not fortunate or unfortunate to receive a disclosure. My SAH didnt stay with a counsellor that long. Maybe God knows best for me. The things I know is enough for me at this stage.
Teneil I am so sorry for your pain. That is a horrible situation to be in. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Gail you are gorgeous! Would be an interesting new spin on Coke advertising. I’m glad you didn’t hear all that nasty stuff too Gail. It wasn’t going to make a difference to you in your situation so there would be nothing gained. Maybe God is with you. xoHere’s a fairly recent forum post we had about Disclosures:
http://sisterhoodofsupport.com/groups/sex-addiction/forum/topic/disclosure-how-does-this-happen/This post by AnnaBegins (Stacy) has some very good ideas for anyone going through a disclosure: http://sisterhoodofsupport.com/groups/sex-addiction/forum/topic/disclosure-tomorrow-at-2-long-one/
I never recieved a formal disclosure. I was and have been offered one several times. I gathered my own evidence and I went back 10 years. I also bluffed a lot out of him because I hired a PI and actually had a ton of hard facts so it was easy to get the rest.
I know enough. His CSAT is not real happy with my lack of participation in the “formal disclosure” part. I get the feeling it is one more way to traumatize the partner and make the perpetrator feel he has “completed some stupid ass checklist” that allows him to become human. No thanks….count me OUT.
IF you do not know what your H has been up to then I would say a disclosure is good. I would also say that disclosure is bullshit unless it is followed by a polygraph.
I have known my H for 25 years and been married 20 of them. I went back 10 years with bank and credit card and phone. I didn’t ned any more. He admitted the rest. The PI report is a killer for SA’s…….hard to argue with that 🙂
Not sure if I have had full disclosure yet but my husband brought home the bank statements from his secret account so that I could see all of the times he was taking out $400, $200 & $60. He has closed it.
He also told me that is was almost always different women but did visit one 3X. Today we attended a marriage conference and it was good. It made me realize how bad our marriage had gotten. He doesn’t even try to meet my needs. I have had a false sense of security because he occasionally unloads the dishwasher, makes dinner and helps kids with homework & actives. How do you know if you have the full truth? Perhaps when he meets with his therapist for the first he will work on this. Have realized from reading all of the sad stories that his working on this is probably fake. Will wait a while before I file but know that it might be in my future and need a plan B.To be “fair” the formal disclosure is actually supposed to be a big part of his/their “recovery”. I ,personally, have had enough.
If you can stomach it then do …if not then don’t. Point being, do NOT let him dictate when, where, what you want/need to know. He does NOT get to call all the shots anymore.
Liza, I started laughing when I saw the first disclosure thread you dug up was started by me! I have absolutely no memory of that whatsoever. Just goes to show what absolute shock we’re in right after discovery. I think that must have been my first post or one of the first after I joined this site. I also recently went back and re-read Barbara Steffen’s book which I first read right after I joined the site. I found I didn’t remember most of it either so was glad I took the time to re-read it.
Haha Daisy. Going back through the old threads is really eye-opening…. so much has changed with the sisters on the site and, at the same time, so little has changed.
I told my texting coward viagra-assisted SA that I would consider a no fault divorce if he would sit with me face to face with Dr. Steffens and tell me everything I needed to know honestly so I can process it and deal with it. He said he would, but he would need to have his lawyer with him. Obviously he doesn’t get it. So I told him it was worthless without a lie detector test and then he wouldn’t do it at all. You just have to think the worst you can think, then think even more worse than that. Then visualize genital warts, dripping discharge, condyloma, HIV. and wish it on him like a curse. He and his skank who sleeps around with married men. And all the other ones too. I got mad today.
- The forum ‘Relationships’ is closed to new topics and replies.