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I’m just learning how this site works so please bear with me. I’ve been a visitor on the married to a sex addict site for over 2 years now. This is my first visit here.
I could use your opinions on my current situation. My brief background – I married a SA 10 years ago. I knew about it going in. He was a sex offender working on healing. He spent 10 years in and out of prison in his 20s for a minor offense (could have been cleared in 2 years if he’d just followed the rules of the court) He is currently in another state with a new job. 6 months now we’ve been apart. I am dedicated to working on my marriage with him for various of my own reasons. We also have 2 kids.
Yesterday I discovered that he had intercourse with a prostitute last week. He has been escalating slowly since the marriage – he’s done just about everything in the list, but it’s the first time I’ve discovered him going that far. I’m also pretty sure from his admission that it wasn’t the first time.
I’ve been dealing with this crap for 10 years and yet I feel like a newbie on the first bomb drop. I’ve been through every emotion in the book today and it’s just left me hollow. I am getting ready to move my entire live to be with him, and he’s pulling this crap now.
I need some ideas for boundaries at this point, and I’m curious to know what you would do? i haven’t seen him in person since New Years day so the distance helps. Have any of you ever demanded an STD test? how did you get them to do a full disclosure? Quite frankly I’m a pro at this – and I’ve never felt so stuck.
I know I need counseling, but thought I’d see if you could help first. Please?
Hello annblack,
How tragic it is that you are putting the effort into maintaining your marriage by moving your entire life to be with him.
Your disappointment is more than understandable. Your feelings of shock and hollowness are normal as well. Feels awful – we know.
What would I do? Honestly? Turn around and run as fast as possible in the opposite direction from him. And expect him to be nothing but a problem and a pill. Heck, he is likely to blame you somehow.
Why? For some reason these guys insist on having their primary relationship and keeping making, then breaking promises. They occassionally say just what we want to hear soon followed by lots of uncaring behaviours.
Then they will continue to act out and just get better and better at lying and hiding it, until caught again.
Then, if we stay, it repeats. You know the drill by now.We get worn down and down and ground to the bone.
We hope against all hope and wait till they “get better”. We don’t end up with a real loving marriage – we just get to wait until we get disappointed again.
Get STD testing? Absolutely and immediately – no matter what he admits to. They lie. Period. They are expert liars.
Boundaries? Yes, set them. I think first you need to realize what you are dealing with. He will not be the one to tell you. He will warp it all. That is what they do.
Is this the honesty you wanted? I bet it is so hard to hear and for that I am sorry. None of us come to these realizations easily. But it seems that all of us get to this place of letting go of what meant the world to us. And with kids it is so much harder.
I am sorry he did this to you and apparently to others as well.
Yours in sisterhood, sorrow and caring,
DesireeHi Ann,
Welcome to the sisterhood. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Everyone here knows your pain and heartache.
As for your questions: I agree with everything Desiree said. He must get tested for STDs and hopefully you have as well. Is your h seeing a CSAT? Most of them encourage a disclosure. I’m surprised you haven’t already had that.
Boundaries are a must but they are only as good as your promise to follow through on consequences. Unfortunately these guys don’t live by the rules that everyone else does.
I am fairly new to the SA underworld but probably my best advice is to put yourself above anyone and anything else. Don’t change your life when this marriage could be going down the drain. And definitely get to a counselor ASAP.
Sending hugs,
KandiceI would say that to move your life when he is actively visiting prostitutes is a guarantee that you and your children will be humiliated, devastated, betrayed, abandoned, and not surprised – sorry – he is a sick man who has not been able to stick to a plan despite incarceration – set your limit and stick to it! I know hard but you have done harder – best Meg
Hi Ann, I’m very sorry for your situation and understand the feelings of shock. I am still married to my husband so I am not adverse to working on recovery for partners and the marriage.
However, in your situation with his history of jail time made longer because ‘he didn’t follow the rules’ and his admission to the lapse which you admit yourself was probably not the first time I have to say that you are better off on your own. There is no way I would be moving states to be with this man.
You say you are working on your marriage for a number of reasons which you haven’t stated. I just can’t think of what might be driving you Ann because as you say you have been dealing with this crap for 10 years. Is he really ever going to be the man you want and need him to be? I feel you are only going to get further heartache from this man. Catherine xoHi Ann,
I would avoid this man like the plague. He’s only interested in his own self gratification and his behaviors show who he really is. If you move your life for him it will be very, very disappointing because hes not too interested in anyone besides himself, his penis, and a vagina he’s willing to pay for. Please don’t settle for that, you deserve sooooo much
more!
Love, NapAnn, I agree with what the sisters said. And yes, I think most of us have demanded STD testing.. It is absolutely crucial. He doesn’t sound like he’s in a place where boundaries will matter. This is a time where you really need to think about you and your future and your children’s future. Do you have family and friends nearby who know about what you’re going through? I hope you don’t move to be with him, Ann. Any steps you can take right now..no matter how small.. in the direction away from him, will be steps in the right direction. xoxo
Hi Ann and a warm welcome to the sisterhood. You want a boundary? Here it is. You go moving yourself and your children across States to be with this man you may as well send him a card saying “You can do whatever you like and I will remain with you.” Once he gets that message loud and clear there will not be a boundary on the planet you can enforce and still keep living with him….because you will have given your permission with your own behaviour. Men like these don’t listen to ANYTHING you say. They only care about what you do. I’m guessing you have been putting up with quite a lot for quite a while now and have not been successful at reining him in. Remaining with him after his latest escapade will only ensure you receive more of the same. It does not sound like you have any control over this guy. IMO your only option is to stay where you are and see what he is willing to do, in order to get you back. I wouldn’t hold my breath though. He sounds like a bad seed and they don’t change. They just lie better. Sorry for the glum tone but its what I think. Karen xx
I do not pretend to know why you married this man and have children with him knowing the background. I am going to let that go because what’s done is done.
If you are ready to turn over a new leaf then I applaud you and will be as supportive and helpful as possible.
Boundaries are a joke at this point. Your only boundary should be the attorney’s office. You have children to consider.
That being said, my H’s sponsor is married ( 10 years). His wife knew about his SA before they married. They have children. He is clean and “sober”. She is supportive of his “recovery”. It can work I guess but not if he is actively screwing hookers right now. He has to get back on the recovery stuff and you have to do what all wives do that believe in addiction to hookers…….stay away until he is sober. Would you move your kids around him if he was on an alcohol binge? same thing….if you equate sex addiction to alcohol addiction. I am assuming that you believe in the addiction and you are in step with the “recovery” process.
I am sorry that you are hurting. I may not be able to understand exactly where you are coming from and I may not agree with your views on sex addiction, but I understand the pain very well. I hope you can find the strength to overcome this latest hit. Maybe you have had enough. Take your time and really think it through carefully.
Hi Ann,
I guess you’ve discovered this group of women includes some seasoned veterans on the ins and outs of dealing with sex addicts. If we can save one woman and her children from more damage, we will do anything to achieve it.The hope I believe you need is not in his life or attaching yours to his. The hope for you to have a better life and for your chidlren grow up without his negative influence, is within yourself. Find a way, any way, to make the break and secure the freedom to live without this horrible nightmare.
You deserve more. Your children lives are being influenced and shaped by this experience. You can all do better.Thank you to all who have taken time to post. These decisions in front of me have been jerking me around for quite some time now (even before his screwup) and I know in my head that everything you are saying is so true. It’s just hard to implement it. Right now I am in a good safe place with a good job and many possibilities in front of me. I know what I should do – stay put until he gets clean and put up a wall against his whining. He is a broken man he really is. He knows it too. It’s like living with two different people even for him. I have it all in his own words (writing) he hates himself.
To answer some questions – he was in counseling for the whole 10 years he was in the system and off and on in the decade since. He’s had multiple interventions, and formal disclosures over the years with others. He’s had every tool ever created on sex addiction at his disposal. Now I usually have to force confessions out of him after I already know something. We’re working on openness but I’m beginning to see it’s a lost cause.
Part of the problem facing me right now is that I found out this information from snooping. He is usually incredibly open about his problems and feelings related to the addiction as he’s trying to get sober, but whenever he does something this far out there and lets the demons take over he clams up to “protect me” — duh like exposing me to STDs or worse is “protection”…
…Therefore I have found a number of ways to keep an eye on him. I can’t confront him with this or set my boundaries with him until I can get a confession out of him so I don’t loose my source. That’s also how I know how much his actions are tearing him up. Before the latest binge he’d gone almost 4 months and he was so proud of himself. (now I sound like I’m justifying, sorry.)
I’m sorry to say that even with this mess he’s created by his choices, with what I know about him I’m still not ready to give up the marriage yet even though I’m disgusted. He has no trust to loose because he hasn’t had my full trust in years. I disengaged from the chaos years ago and only deal with the major atom bombs now. I have my own personal experience with addiction so I can understand him on a level many people can’t … yet I don’t normally let him get away with anything. This situation just threw me for a complete loop and I need to get my head straight before our upcoming come to jesus talk. He’s not getting away with this one either. I just need something (thanks everybody) to hold on to when I do this this time.
I have decided on a few boundaries to set and give to him as soon as I can get a confession out of him.
#1 Thank you all for letting me know I’m not alone in demanding an STD test. I deserve more respect and my dignity in this. We are currently separated, but he will be here to visit at the end of the month and he either has the testing or he can forget about the main reason he’s coming in for a visit. He still may be going home without it. I had testing done 2 years ago and depending on his responses will go through it again.
#2 He gives me full disclosure (of what I already know and hopefully what I don’t know) or he’ll be amazed at how fast I can cut him out of our lives. After 5 months of being gone the kids rarely ask about him any more anyway – and often don’t even want to talk to him at night when he calls.
#2 The lying has to stop or I walk. He can be open about things and it’s one of the reasons I married him because he was so open. The last 5 years have changed that. Either we’re working as partners or we’re not – at which point there is no reason to keep this marriage going.
#3 On my moving. For right now I’ve dropped the rope on helping him find a place to live. By doing that he also has lost his funding which will push him out another few months getting his security deposit and first month saved. I’m keeping my money for what I see as inevitable. I still had 3 months anyway before I had plans to join him there so there are no huge plans to change and I have some time to finalize my decisions on this. I was being cautious in making him work there 8 months before I jumped in with both feet. Now I’m even more glad I did.
#4 I’m going to start looking at my options for staying here longer (or permanently).
Another question for you all then… any idea how to get this confession out of him and out into the open so i can take the next step without loosing my sources?
kmf – well said. So well said. I’m not doing him or me any favors by rewarding bad behavior with a slap on the hand. I’ve been looking for a way to get out of this move even before this choice of his. I believe I will be staying put until he can prove to me he can be sober. It may take months… or I may never have to move – other than to sign divorce papers. Moving in that direction now.
allcat62… I find so many people who have giving up on the addicts in their lives. Can I ask why you choose to stay? What is your husband doing right?
What exactly about this “marriage” are you not willing to give up on? It doesn’t sound like much of a marriage to be honest. Don’t think I am throwing the proverbial stone because none of our “marriages” look all that good to me.
He is coming to visit you primarily for sex. You are not going to give it to him without a STD test and full disclosure. What part of that sounds like it is worth fighting for?
You can bluff a confession out of him by telling him you hired a PI. Have a bunch of official looking papers in your hand and tell him to fess up. Bluff away…Tell him you already know ( in a calm voice). Tell him it is very important to you that he is honest. Tell him if he utters one lie then it is over. I got tons of info that way. I actually did hire a PI and I did have info. I bluffed details…
After he confesses and begs then tell him you love him and understand and will stick by him. Then tell him that a full disclosure will help you close the books on the past and it would help your marriage ETC..
Now, you have your confession, a full disclosure and you still have him. Trifecta 🙂
He has never blamed me for his behaviour. He has sought therapy and understands why he learnt to ‘soothe’ himself the way he did. The nature of his behaviour was more a compulsion rather than an addiction so the behaviour wasn’t a daily thing. Sometimes he would go for months not acting out. It also ‘only’ occurred’ over the past 5 or so years. It was fairly ‘straightforward’ sex with hookers so did not involve men, children, animals, multiples, online hookups or anything illegal. I’m not minimising what he did at all because what he did to me was terrible but I do believe that urges/fetishes in some men are so strong they will never be satisfied with ‘normal’- heterosexual sex. His therapist also told me he can recover.
We have been together for over 30 years so I feel I have to give it a go and I hope that the pattern of behaviour that he developed can be broken. Honestly, I don’t want my lifestyle to change and I don’t feel strong enough to go it alone at least for the moment. I have never felt good about myself or terribly capable and my husband when I am feeling OK about him is like a lovely old pair of comfy slippers that I don’t want to give up. I can only stay because he is very remorseful and extremely attentive and I love his company, he makes me laugh and he makes me feel good about myself (except for the fact he F’d hookers). I have been one ugly creature at times and for the most part he has accepted my anger and dealt with it.
He has for about the last 10 years suffered quite badly from depression so he would have sullen moods and angry outbursts which I always found difficult. He knows I can’t tolerate this any more as I have no reserves to cope. With the exception of one day last weekend he has been really good. And that one day last weekend I was quite prepared to pack his bags and send him on his way. I just don’t have it in me to deal with ANY bad behaviour.
He does appear to have changed in many ways.
It is not easy Ann. I obviously have trust and forgiveness issues. Does one have to trust and forgive to move on and have a happy like? I’m not sure. Even though D Day was more than 3 years ago I still feel like it is early days. About a month ago I discovered that he viewed porn. That is really bad and set me back a long way to my own recovery.
There are 2 things that stand out for me with you. Firstly, you seem to be doing well on your own. You have a job that you are happy in and I’m sure your children are thriving. You like where you live. Why would you mess this up?
Secondly, your husband was gaoled for a minor offence and because he couldn’t follow rules ends up staying in gaol for 10 years. He has had a pattern of sexual ‘acting out’ that pre-dated and continued through your relationship. You have struggled with him for 10 years. He admitted to at least one lapse recently. I really think he is a naughty boy who has a total disregard for rules, promises, obligations, and commitments. I honestly don’t think you can do anything with this man. I don’t think he is a good person.
I apologise for rambling Ann. You might look at my situation and think I should get out too. We all do what we have to to keep us sane in this horrible insane world. xo CatherineBev, it isn’t much of a marriage – I agree. And the things I married him for outside of the addiction are slowly disappearing. He can be a good man and he has been, but I see less and less of it now. I knew what I was getting in to and all of this was part of the risk I knew I was taking. It’s hard backing out of that.
I’ve met a few people who I’ve told my story to IRL. All of them react as everyone here has. I need to run and fast. I’m not a stupid woman, I have a good degree, 90th percentile testing, a successful career, a strong family, I’ve traveled, divorced before, learned things the easy and hard way.
I can’t explain in my head why I’m still with him I’ve tried repeatedly and logic only dictates that I get out and cut my losses. If that were it I’d have left years ago. Right now I’m listening to my gut… and it says it’s not time yet.
It would make my life so much easier if he would either go totally off the deep end and give me a black and white reason to leave, or walk away himself. I guess I’m a wimp.
He fucked a hooker. That is pretty black and white…just sayin 🙂
You are not a wimp. You are not stupid. You made the proverbial deal with the devil years ago and it isn’t working out so well for you now. You, being an honest, true to her word type gal, feel bound by your deal. You gave your word and now by God you are going to stick with it. Everyone is screaming at you to run and your instinct is to not let others tell you what to do. I get that. If it isn’t time then it isn’t.
Hang with him a while longer, but don’t ask for him to give you something in black and white. He has done that.
Catherine, I have to say, you’ve come a long way in the time you’ve been in the ‘hood. You’ve gained a lot of insight into yourself and your relationship. Good on ya! 🙂 (Did I ever mention I lived in Sydney for 3 months?).
Ann, I am really troubled by the whole concept of being jailed for a minor sexual offense that turned into a 10 year sentence for failures to follow the rules. Something doesn’t smell right about that scenario. Of course, you have no obligation to share even that much of your story with us and no reason to feel comfortable sharing your entire life story since you’re new here. However, I hope that you are at least being honest with yourself. Usually having your significant other labeled as a sex offender is the end of the line for a partner, not the beginning. Catherine and all the other sisters have it right: you are never going to “fix” this guy or have a normal life with him for you or your children. You really should look very seriously at extricating yourself from this nightmare of abuse. And for the love of God, do not have sex with him when he is screwing prostitutes. It can take MONTHS after last exposure before you can be sure that he is HIV free.
Allcat thank you for sharing. I can see that your husband maintaining a good level of sobriety is a big part of your success so far. Also his willingness to try to understand you.
Daisy, I appreciate the reminder that those STDs can take months after last exposure. I keep thinking – maybe if, maybe if… but you’re right. That part of my relationship with him is over now. Maybe it is for the best.
Update:
I found a loophole I could use tonight to confront him. Years ago our clergy suggested to him that we share a family plan phone account. I manage it so that we can maintain blocks. I cross-referenced the date and time with the phone records and had my proof.
He told me in the conversation that he has self admittedly not been sober for days – and I could see it in him over Skype like he was actually on drugs tonight. He doesn’t care about a damn thing when he’s like this. Thank you to whomever it was up thread who suggested that I wouldn’t let my kids talk to him if he was drunk, why would I want them around him like this??? He gets his love from them, but gives none back.
I tried to get him to come clean to me, but I know from experience the second he’s done he shuts all of his negative feelings out so he doesn’t have to deal. He had no intention of telling me about his escalation. He had no intention of letting me know my health might be at risk possibly robbing my kids of their only decent parent.
I brought up the phone records and he finally admitted it – wow he was so calloused about it all. There was no remorse. No hint of the husband I’d come to know in that man I was talking to. I was right about the multiple times, I was right about him deflecting and even blaming me which has been a very rare occurrence in the past. He always has taken full responsibility for his actions up to now. He admitted to me that he couldn’t talk about this clearly because he was still in a bad place and no where near sober… It was so scary it left me speechless.
The boundaries and consequences I gave him didn’t even seem to phase him. I mean you could see he understood and would accept them, but he didn’t get it — to the point that he didn’t even seem upset he was so far gone. He believes the two week time out for me and the kids is to punish him – not give me a chance to heal. It’s all about him. I feel he’s damn lucky the divorce papers aren’t in the mail tonight – although that isn’t off the table.
The man I just had a conversation with is not the man I married. I’m stunned.
This 8 month separation I’d planned while he got settled in his new job is turning out to be not only a blessing but nowhere near long enough. I see now that I need to stay put no matter what the consequences until he can prove to us that he can handle his own life, and it’s going to be a lot longer than what we have left.
Dear Ann,
You are not the only one who has trouble breaking away from what you rationally know is not good for you. You mentioned that you need a therapist and I think that is exactly where you should start. Try to find someone experienced in abuse and trauma. You need to put your focus on yourself and stop worrying about confessions ect from him. And you cannot have sex with him because he is not safe that way. If something happens to you, who will look after your kids? I’m inclined to agree with everyone else about your H. He is a bad bet. Just the same, you have to build yourself up to get out of this mess so you should begin with a good therapist. Sometimes it takes awhile before emotional knowing catches up to rational knowing.
Karen xxDaisy thank you. I have come such a long way with the help of all the sisters. This has been a godsend for me. What part of Sydney did you live in? Why only 3 months?
Ann, you are amazing. You have been away from this man for 8 months and you have coped on your own. You have every reason to feel positive about a future away from this man. Hang in there. xoAnn, I’m not sure what the sex offense was, but I am troubled like Daisy. Most programs put offending behavior (like voyeurism, indecent exposure, etc) into a second tier on the scale. I can relate to where you are because I was considering leaving my dream job to move 6 hours after our son was born, possibly being a stay at home mom. I am so thankful I didn’t because I would have been furious to find I gave up so much stability. I only found out about this because I was feeling so nervous about moving but had no proof so I just confronted him. He, of course, tried to lie and I just stuck to my guns saying “It doesn’t matter how I know, I know.” I knew right when I confronted him that I was going down the right path. Whatever you do, don’t give up your sources. Whenever I’ve done that I’ve only regretted it.
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