WTF…is it me?!?!

I usually don’t do this, but I am going to post an email exchange from this morning between my “husband” and I…Ladies, if any of you would take the time to look at these and please honestly tell me what you think…is it me? I mean seriously…I am losing it?!
Thanks in advance…so maddening…

He writes to Me:
I write you this email, other than try to tell you over text, so that you realize just how serious I am when I write this:

I have become jaded and bitter over my perceived indifference on your part. It TRULY feels like I was the only one trying; the only one doing anything; the only one that wanted to salvage our marriage. Whether that’s the case or not, it really doesn’t matter; to me, that is the reality. Because of this bitterness, it’s EXTREMELY difficult for me to believe that you want to stay married to me, that you want to work on this TOGETHER. The ONLY way I’ll believe you that you want to fix this together was if you said it to my face. Call it what you want; I prefer to see it as a “show of faith”. Unfortunate, yes… but I know that’s the only way I’ll be able to “believe” you…

I won’t go so far as to say that you have to show up within the week (if you really want to work on our marriage together), but I’m not going to wait around much longer. Yes, it’s my fault for not explaining to you how important it is/was to me to talk to you face-to-face, but it’s not like you didn’t know that that’s what I wanted…

And yes, I know that I have a LOT to work on, and I’m working on them. You either want to be there, to help me and support me, or you don’t. You either want to work on this together, or you don’t…

If you don’t, then just tell me that…

I love you…

So, I write him back:
Thank you for taking the time to write this. This is my attempt to respond to you in a way I can only hope you will try to understand…

The last few months have been hell for me. The person that once treated me with so much love and tenderness changed so quickly and in such a dramatic way, that I was left very confused about what was real and what wasn’t.

I never said at that point that you and I were done, even after you kicked me out. I tried when I was there with you to be supportive and to try with you, you kicked me out of my home. After that, I just couldn’t see any way to move forward or to salvage any of this without a serious effort on your part…something significant. Not because you “owed” it to me, but because if what you were saying was true…that you loved me and wanted our marriage and knew you had made huge mistakes…then you would have enough motivation to fight for something, to really know this was worth it.

It’s not, for me, like I abandoned you and left you to “save it” alone…I just hoped that you would understand how difficult this is for me and how much I needed to believe this was important to you too in order to even think about moving forward with you.

It’s not that I would NEVER see you in person, it’s just that that requires me to take a HUGE step (and put my safety at risk), and I needed you to move in that direction first, since it was you who made the decisions to violate the marriage in the first place. Again, not because you “owed” it to me…because I wanted you to regain some of my trust. (That’s why some of those smaller things I asked for were regarding some things I felt you had lied about, I wanted to be able to know you told the truth…to know you were being honest about them.) I wanted to be able to come to you willingly and with trust for you, not because it was an ultimateum or a demand.

I love the man that asked me to marry him…I married him in good faith that he was who he said he was. You know the answer to this, not me. I don’t know if the last few months have been the truth all along, and I’m not asking you to promise me they weren’t if they were. If I believed you when I shouldn’t have then I am prepared to move on and heal from that.

On the other hand, if this is a marriage that you want and the last few months have somehow been some huge, hellish, mistake…then I believe in my heart that you would make that clear to me. That you would treat me with love and tenderness and help me feel safe enough to make a decision to see you. Yelling at me, hanging up on me, telling my you don’t care anymore, and then making demands of me…these things break my trust instead of improving it.

I know this isn’t easy, it isn’t easy for either us. I know you’re frustrated, and I wish I could fix that. I am frustrated too. I know you hurt at times and want to figure out a way to stop feeling like that. I am hurting too. I just needed you to be consistent and work with me to improve that trust, but anytime we would get close to that you would try to “end” things with me. For me, it has felt like this doesn’t matter to you anyway, because you won’t stick with me. (I may not have been saying every

When I wrote you that last email, I was trying to show you how emotional this is for me. How more than anger or blame towards you, at this point I have sadness and disappointment. I wasn’t trying to tell you I was “done” with you, I was trying to tell you that I had been waiting for you to take action and that I was accepting that you weren’t going to take the steps to fix it, because you were the one that made me feel that way. You say you love me and you want this marriage, but all you show me is that if I get close you’ll hurt me or try to get rid of me. How could I come to you on those terms?

And then he responds with this…

I hear (see) what you’re saying, and I appreciate the words. But it’s not what I needed. I need my wife, and I realize now that, even with me begging, she’s gone… All, it seems now, you are is just Amanda…

Which sucks, because I wish that wasn’t the case. The more that I come to the realization that my wife has left, the sadder and more depressed I get. And as much as I don’t want to accept that, the more I have to; I know that I would let myself fall deeper and deeper into a dark place, and that’s not healthy for me. The way I’ve allowed myself to be treated by you, is not healthy. My wife is never coming back. That she left in the first place, and everything leading up to that, is on me. But I’ve tried to change. I’ve told her I loved her, and wanted her to come back. But my wife, apparently, ceased to exsist since she left in early Dec. That’s clear now. So, now, I must start looking to myself, and taking care of myself. There will NEVER be a day that goes by until I die, where I won’t hope that you came back, or would come back, or tell me you loved me. But I also must accept the fact that that will never happen, and start attempting to move on with my life.