Home discussions Thoughts WTF…is it me?!?!

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  • #6958
    disenchanted
    Participant

    I usually don’t do this, but I am going to post an email exchange from this morning between my “husband” and I…Ladies, if any of you would take the time to look at these and please honestly tell me what you think…is it me? I mean seriously…I am losing it?!
    Thanks in advance…so maddening…

    He writes to Me:
    I write you this email, other than try to tell you over text, so that you realize just how serious I am when I write this:

    I have become jaded and bitter over my perceived indifference on your part. It TRULY feels like I was the only one trying; the only one doing anything; the only one that wanted to salvage our marriage. Whether that’s the case or not, it really doesn’t matter; to me, that is the reality. Because of this bitterness, it’s EXTREMELY difficult for me to believe that you want to stay married to me, that you want to work on this TOGETHER. The ONLY way I’ll believe you that you want to fix this together was if you said it to my face. Call it what you want; I prefer to see it as a “show of faith”. Unfortunate, yes… but I know that’s the only way I’ll be able to “believe” you…

    I won’t go so far as to say that you have to show up within the week (if you really want to work on our marriage together), but I’m not going to wait around much longer. Yes, it’s my fault for not explaining to you how important it is/was to me to talk to you face-to-face, but it’s not like you didn’t know that that’s what I wanted…

    And yes, I know that I have a LOT to work on, and I’m working on them. You either want to be there, to help me and support me, or you don’t. You either want to work on this together, or you don’t…

    If you don’t, then just tell me that…

    I love you…

    So, I write him back:
    Thank you for taking the time to write this. This is my attempt to respond to you in a way I can only hope you will try to understand…

    The last few months have been hell for me. The person that once treated me with so much love and tenderness changed so quickly and in such a dramatic way, that I was left very confused about what was real and what wasn’t.

    I never said at that point that you and I were done, even after you kicked me out. I tried when I was there with you to be supportive and to try with you, you kicked me out of my home. After that, I just couldn’t see any way to move forward or to salvage any of this without a serious effort on your part…something significant. Not because you “owed” it to me, but because if what you were saying was true…that you loved me and wanted our marriage and knew you had made huge mistakes…then you would have enough motivation to fight for something, to really know this was worth it.

    It’s not, for me, like I abandoned you and left you to “save it” alone…I just hoped that you would understand how difficult this is for me and how much I needed to believe this was important to you too in order to even think about moving forward with you.

    It’s not that I would NEVER see you in person, it’s just that that requires me to take a HUGE step (and put my safety at risk), and I needed you to move in that direction first, since it was you who made the decisions to violate the marriage in the first place. Again, not because you “owed” it to me…because I wanted you to regain some of my trust. (That’s why some of those smaller things I asked for were regarding some things I felt you had lied about, I wanted to be able to know you told the truth…to know you were being honest about them.) I wanted to be able to come to you willingly and with trust for you, not because it was an ultimateum or a demand.

    I love the man that asked me to marry him…I married him in good faith that he was who he said he was. You know the answer to this, not me. I don’t know if the last few months have been the truth all along, and I’m not asking you to promise me they weren’t if they were. If I believed you when I shouldn’t have then I am prepared to move on and heal from that.

    On the other hand, if this is a marriage that you want and the last few months have somehow been some huge, hellish, mistake…then I believe in my heart that you would make that clear to me. That you would treat me with love and tenderness and help me feel safe enough to make a decision to see you. Yelling at me, hanging up on me, telling my you don’t care anymore, and then making demands of me…these things break my trust instead of improving it.

    I know this isn’t easy, it isn’t easy for either us. I know you’re frustrated, and I wish I could fix that. I am frustrated too. I know you hurt at times and want to figure out a way to stop feeling like that. I am hurting too. I just needed you to be consistent and work with me to improve that trust, but anytime we would get close to that you would try to “end” things with me. For me, it has felt like this doesn’t matter to you anyway, because you won’t stick with me. (I may not have been saying every

    When I wrote you that last email, I was trying to show you how emotional this is for me. How more than anger or blame towards you, at this point I have sadness and disappointment. I wasn’t trying to tell you I was “done” with you, I was trying to tell you that I had been waiting for you to take action and that I was accepting that you weren’t going to take the steps to fix it, because you were the one that made me feel that way. You say you love me and you want this marriage, but all you show me is that if I get close you’ll hurt me or try to get rid of me. How could I come to you on those terms?

    And then he responds with this…

    I hear (see) what you’re saying, and I appreciate the words. But it’s not what I needed. I need my wife, and I realize now that, even with me begging, she’s gone… All, it seems now, you are is just Amanda…

    Which sucks, because I wish that wasn’t the case. The more that I come to the realization that my wife has left, the sadder and more depressed I get. And as much as I don’t want to accept that, the more I have to; I know that I would let myself fall deeper and deeper into a dark place, and that’s not healthy for me. The way I’ve allowed myself to be treated by you, is not healthy. My wife is never coming back. That she left in the first place, and everything leading up to that, is on me. But I’ve tried to change. I’ve told her I loved her, and wanted her to come back. But my wife, apparently, ceased to exsist since she left in early Dec. That’s clear now. So, now, I must start looking to myself, and taking care of myself. There will NEVER be a day that goes by until I die, where I won’t hope that you came back, or would come back, or tell me you loved me. But I also must accept the fact that that will never happen, and start attempting to move on with my life.

    #80393
    disenchanted
    Participant

    I mean is this for real?!?!

    #80394
    nap
    Participant

    Yep. Welcome to la la land. He cheats on you, he kicks you out now you’re not ‘helping him’ so you’re not his wife, you’re just Amanda??? So FUCKED UP. I wouldn’t talk to this asshole again and call a good lawyer and serve his arrogant ass. Totally whack!!!!

    #80395
    disenchanted
    Participant

    Nap, so when you read this…you do see what I’m talking about? That is crazy to you too? It’s like he doesn’t even hear me…
    Oh and BTW…it was “just porn” before I moved out so that is what this is “all due to” for him.

    #80396
    joann
    Participant

    First, hugs to you disenchanted. I am so sorry.

    Now…if there were ‘Tiny Dickhead’ awards your husband would be right up there in the top contenders.

    He is setting the scene so he can go out fucking around and make YOU the reason why he just had to do it.

    Classic.

    Damn. When will I ever have time to write the Sex Addict’s Manual of Rationalization, Denial and Gaslighting?

    #80397
    972
    Member

    I think the best book in the world to write would be the SA playbook. They never veer, they never deviate, it’s all the same. If partner’s had the handbook, it would save a lot of pain.

    Disenchanted, your husband is a nut. Stop talking to him. Go on about your business and let him go. He is a bottom feeder in the world of SA’s, and that is a pretty amazing feat.

    #80398
    daisy1962
    Member

    Dis, I can certainly see why that made you feel crazy. Trust me honey, it’s HIM that’s a total nutball, not you. I’m going to have to read it again to formulate a longer response but for now, just know it’s not you that is the problem. Him, on the other hand, he appears to be having some sort of break from reality. Wow…

    #80399
    diane
    Participant

    I’m sorry you have endured this insanity. I hope you will stop trying to have a conversation with him as if he gets it, because he does not.
    He wants what he wants. He betrays you. He kicks you out. Now he gives you an ultimatum. So what has changed? He wants what he wants and he doesn’t want any consequences that inconvenience him further.
    What a prize.

    #80400
    nap
    Participant

    Disenchanted,
    Yes, I TOTALLY agree with you. He and his thoughts and writings and perspective are totally irrational. I was kicked out too and believe me, I know crazy first hand. Take good care of yourself and if you can, move forward.
    Love, Nap

    #80401
    disenchanted
    Participant

    🙁
    Thank you sisters.
    I just hate it, he tells me he loves me wants the marriage and then does ZERO to make things work…it just is unreal.

    #80402
    nap
    Participant

    They talk out of both sides of their mouth, mainly to create doubt and confusion. “Come close so I can hurt you” is what these ‘fucktards’ do. Stand your ground and tell him to F.O. and I don’t mean ‘far out’. So sorry for your pain I know it hurts. He just needs a piece of humble pie (a BIG one). Then his ass kick by some great attny.

    #80403
    972
    Member

    I wish it was unreal. It is real, very real and you better start thinking about yourself and let him flounder with out his victim role and his “wife”. You were never his wife. Tell him to look up “wife” in the dictionary and then get back to you.

    #80404
    courtney
    Participant

    Disenchanted, what he’s really saying is he wants the old you back, the wife who didn’t know what was going on and who accepted him for who he was. And once you found out what he was doing and who he really is, he wants you to go back in time and pretend like you don’t, so that he can continue to live his life on his terms. His emails are full of ” I want my wife back, not this woman who has boundaries and his taking care of herself”. He needs a doormat, you’re not one, he’s blaming you for being a real live woman who wants a real life and marriage, not the one he’s offering you.
    Take a deep breath, and keep any further responses to his emails at nothing or very short, three sentences or less. The more words you give him, the more ammunition he thinks he has, the more chinks he thinks he’s made in your armor. He’s not appreciative or grateful for your words. He doesn’t care what you say, he just wants you to have enough nostalgia or guilt to go back to him on his terms.
    Keep moving forward, Disenchanted. Keep moving forward.

    #80405

    Another sister here to concur. So here is my take. He says he loves you. Words are so damn cheap. What does his behaviour and demands communicate? That your feelings of betrayal, shock, hurt, pain, confusion, etc., etc., etc. mean nothing to him. It is the no empathy thing.

    What would a caring husband do? Do any of us know?

    #80406
    daisy1962
    Member

    What is most telling to me in all that poorly written BS he sent you is the part where he talks about “Wife” being gone and all that’s left is Amanda, like that’s some sort of piss poor consolation prize. That was the ultimate WTF moment for me. So what he wants is some generic “wife” who puts up with all his shit, loves him no matter what, and probably cooks and cleans and generally takes care of his every need which frees him up to do exactly as he pleases. Who wouldn’t love to have such a robot? What he clearly doesn’t want is Amanda. An actual person who has been hurt and traumatized and who needs and deserves time to heal and a sense of safety in her life. He particularly doesn’t want an Amanda who calls him on his bullshit (YOU kicked ME out) and who refuses to accept anything less than fulfillment of the promises he made. Honey, you need to dump him like last month’s used cat litter because that is about how much good he’ll be to you.

    #80407
    meg
    Participant

    I have found my most effective response to those kinds of conversations and letters is – “you are absolutely right and Amanda requires the best of what I have to give her – thank you for helping me to see that” – Meg

    #80408
    allcat62
    Member

    Amanda I’m at work right now and I can’t take this all in. I don’t want you to think I don’t care so I’ll get back to you. xo

    #80409
    972
    Member

    Catherine, you are so sweet sometimes it makes me ashamed of myself. I hope your H knows how incredibly lucky he is…

    #80410
    972
    Member

    Meg, I love it 🙂

    #80411
    liza
    Participant

    I.Have.No.Words.

    #80412
    disenchanted
    Participant

    You ladies are so amazing.
    I don’t know why I keep trying to have real, logical conversations with him. When I read what I wrote, and then I read what he writes back, I sit her dumbfounded. How unbelievable…How can it always be someone else’s fault, someone else’s job to fix. I wish I could eternal sunshine his a$$ from my mind…

    #80413
    disenchanted
    Participant

    *here

    #80414
    teneil
    Participant

    WTF? Reading that is infuriating. He’s lost his mind. What kind of recovery program is he in? It sounds like he can’t take responsibility and he’s trying to make it about you being the problem, which YOU ARE NOT. I’m so sorry because I know this must be painful. Remember to not get sucked back in and take care of yourself sweetheart

    #80415
    allcat62
    Member

    Grrrrrr. This is crazy stuff Amanda. My head is spinning. Can he really be seeing things as he says? I am so, so sorry. He is a mean man and you don’t deserve this nonsense. You have NOTHING to fix. He needs to do all the fixing and this isn’t the way to go about it. I think the fact that he made you leave your home says it all. Amanda you can do so much better than this man. You start to get yourself better by taking good care of you and don’t waste your precious time and energy trying to fix the unfixable. Much love, Catherine xox

    #80416
    allcat62
    Member

    Bev why would you be ashamed of yourself? You are a fabulous person! I so admire your strength, confidence, wit and the sage advice you give the sisters. Your parents obviously did a great job.
    My husband does tell me that he is very lucky and is so grateful that he has a second chance. We’ll see though Bev. xo

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