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It turns out that they don’t like the phrases “fuck that” or “god damn him” during sharing time.
I don’t think that I’m a good fit for that group. Thankfully I have you women!!
If I ever post that I went to one of those meetings, somebody please shoot me.
Ali, God Bless you for trying. I hope you truly said those things. That ought to shake up zombie land 🙂
What? They don’t like our pillow quotes?? I am deeply hurt. Not. There’s no place like the ‘hood Ali! Welcome home. 🙂
Well I would actually like to hear more. What else happened?
How do they talk about their experiences?It was all way too weird for me. Too many wonderful women feeling shitty. I really let loose during my sharing. I didn’t know how staid and by the S-Anon book this group is.
I still hold a lot of (deserved) rage, and I’m not going to even think about any kind of co-crap. They were working on Step 9 today – making amends for their mistakes. So here are my amends:
I’m sorry to my children for choosing such a fuck wad as their dad. I’m sorry to myself for choosing such a fuck wad for a husband.
One woman shared how she made amends to her husband for enabling his behavior. She’s a young, beautiful woman with 4 children ages 3-11. Of course she “enabled” – it’s called trying to make it through the fucking day with your childrens’ well being in place.
Sorry ladies. It was just a hard place for me to be today. I did it because my CSAT wanted me to try before I wrote it off.
On the plus side, it was nice to get hugs from other women who are going through what I’m going through. Not all of the women swallowed the Kool-Aid, so I’ll probably go again (my CSAT wants me to try it for 6 times to see if I connect with another woman for support).
I would so love to be able to be in a room with you ladies, rather than this group, but such is life.
The big move for me was just going out in the world and trying. Their disapproval of my language was momentarily shaming for me, but then I remembered the ‘hood and realized that my voice (even while swearing) deserves to be heard.You should have told them “Fuck that!” when they objected to your language!
I like your amends, Ali.
Diane, I have to say that I’m much more defiant on this site than I am in person. I did use my much beloved language pertaining to this violation when I shared, but my shame when I was gently corrected by these women was hurtful. I felt like I was not understood, when I feel so understood on this site. What I really want is to connect with other wome in person, and I think there may be one or two in this group who feel like I do, so I’ll keep trying for a while.
It just was depressing to me to hear women “make amends” for their part in their husbands’ betrayals. So mind boggling to me.Hey Ali – I have gone/occasionally still go to S-Anon meetings. The women I have encountered aren’t all so stepford-wiveish and definitely do their share of swearing. I just like having some F2F time sometimes. However, the last meeting I went to, I had an encounter with one of the more vocal members who basically told me that all of us partners could probably qualify to be in SA as well. WTF? Speak for yourself, lady, but I am in no way, shape or form, addicted to sex. That really turned me off and I haven’t been to a meeting since.
On a positive note, I did connect with one amazing woman and we talk on the phone all the time and that is very therapeutic. And oddly, it probably took about 6 meetings before I met her and we had one of those instant connection things you sometimes find in friends. Anyway, she feels “the program” has helped her but I don’t see it working for me. But that doesn’t mean I can’t learn some things from it.
i’m going to a posa group here in vancouver. it was recently started. it’s such a welcome relief from the cosa crap. no co dependent shit. and it’s based on the trauma model. from the posarc website. you start off by introducing yourself as a trauma survivor. so much better.
i did meet some good women in cosa though. i took penny to the cosa meeting here. it wasn’t bad. although since there is a posa group here i stopped going to cosa.
never been to an s-anon meeting.
good for you ali for having an open mind. shake those women up in your next 5 meetings!
Hi Ali,
thanks for sharing some more about what happened. I understand how powerful it is to actually BE with people who know what you have felt, and have experience the depth of shock and betrayal.
But also so totally weird to hear the manufactured “amends”. That is a damaging thing, I believe. It’s wrong wrong wrong.
I also get the language thing. I find their are two groups of women in my age group—the ones who say “fuck” and the ones who don’t. I never used to say it. But now, it’s just the only word that seems to work. I can remember the first time my sons heard me say it. Their mouths dropped open and then my youngest laughed so hard he nearly was sick.I think you are very brave to search this hard for something, someone with whom you can connect. I hope it works, I really do. But honestly, all those steps—they’re best used to push someone down them.
I read the step about taking you own personal inventory and I figured the worst part of my moral inventory was speaking to a man ( my husband) that fucked hookers.
I don’t think that is what the group is looking for 🙂
I do think it is great to meet up with less zombie type women and pick some that you can converse with outside of the zombie/cult meetings.
Fuck the donuts Trish….these gals need hard liquor. maybe I should make these meetings my cause. Start the meeting with a shot of crown and lets see what happens : )
I’d very much like to start some sort of informal group here in Sydney but I don’t know how to go about it. As far as I know there are three Australians on this site but we are a great distance apart. Any thoughts on how I could do this?
Catherine, I think you might find some answers on the Posarc site. I get the impression they want to start groups all over the place. Trish, you are making me laugh out loud with your comments, Minwalla has been very good for you! Ali, I joined one phone meeting a few weeks after I figured out about my husband’s sexually deviant activities. Absolutely surreal. I didn’t say a word, but thought the whole time, I will not be like these men and women. This is absolutely nuts what they are saying. You may meet someone of your same ilk faster due to your swearing.
I would like to add that on a serious note, Doctor M recommends you proceed with these meetings with extreme caution. His exact words were ( I think) “If you aren’t codependent going in then you will be coming out”.
I am sure that if you meet some women that are like minded and that gives you some friends to see then it is a good thing. If you drink the kool aid then you are up shit creek 🙂
This came from Kandice who went for the intensive….
I think I’ll check in on the Posarc site and see if any meetings are expected to be starting in this area any time soon.
I don’t throw f-bombs in my everyday language, only when speaking about sa and the fallout.
Bev, we speak the same language!
Ali, give it time – before you know it, you’ll be using FUCK as a noun, verb, adjective, etc. even in ‘polite’ company. 😉
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