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I mentioned in an earlier post that the discovery with my husband was going to be tonight. Forgive me I’m still reeling from it If I’m not too coherent. Brief BG. We’ve been married 8 years, dated 3. I went into the relationship knowing about his addictions and sordid past with the law – I had it confirmed tonight though that he has been lying to me all along.
This lovely evening was brought to us two weeks ago by my happening across some revealing posts he’d written and a confirmation from the phone bill that he was hooking up and paying for whores. To my knowledge at the time it was a single escalation – His admission at the time I confronted him with it was a grand total of 5 times. WTF. See he’s been living in another state for 5 months so we’re separated and don’t keep tabs very well. My plan was to join him with our kids 2 months from now. Not happening. He was here this weekend for a pre-planned visit for my son’s birthday that I never would have scheduled had I known.
My main goal with this discovery was to finally get the truth and some straight answers for the first time in a decade. Final count on prostitutes? between 50 and 80 – he’d lost count. About half of that was during the 3 years we were dating (gee would have liked to have known that before I agreed to marry this bastard) He claims he was good for the first 4 years of our marriage but started the whores again after my last kid was born. Most were in hotels, dozens were at our house, at least one in my bed – while the kids were asleep in the next room. That was it for me tonight.
Luckily shortly after that incident I had gotten wise to something being up and had banned him from ever being alone with the kids again – that was 3 years ago. I feel like shit I let it happen even once, but I believe I’ve spared them from the worst of it – and I had no clue it had gotten that bad.
As for the remorse? Oh he was plenty contrite alright for most of it and I believed it until he told me that even after I’d caught him 2 weeks ago and put his ass in a time out he still did it again earlier this week. He wasn’t even 3 days sober for this convo.
He only lost it for good when I told him I was going home and we’d have to talk later after I’d let all this diahreah sink in. I walked over and took his wedding ring away. I figure if it was supposed to be a symbol of our marriage and he blatantly wore it into the most disgusting places on earth it wasn’t working so maybe living without it would. Either that or at least the next time he’s out with his whores they won’t wonder about the poor little wifey sitting at home waiting for their asshole husband to finally come home.
I’m dropping the rope tonight for good. We’ll be here through the end of the year while I get my ducks in order. It’s actually refreshing for a change in a morbid kind of way to finally know the truth about the last 10 years. Funny… I find out my husband is fkng hookers and I feel free.
Now I just have to find a way to stop crying before everyone else in the house gets up at dawn.
Ann,
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry.
Were you recording his “confession”?I found it was a huge relief when I discovered my STBX was cheating and had been for years and I threw him out. I had felt crazy and like things were my fault for years (because he was supposedly in recovery from “only porn” addiction so I was the one with “issues” who “just couldn’t get over it”). It was like a 100 lb weight being taken off my back. I felt sad but at peace.
The hard thing will be continuing to protect your kids. He clearly has very poor boundaries with kids. Keep every shred of evidence. Record everything (are you in a one or two party state? Also, you will need to find out the law about recording phone calls if the law in the state he lives in is different). He may give you are hard time since you knew about his addiction going into the relationship.
You are doing the right thing, Ann. Hang in there.
Dear annblack,
well I don’t know if the taser would have been enough.What a wretched discovery. Do you have counselling support? YOu must be traumatized all over again. I’m worried about that. Please get some help for your yourself as you process the awful truth.
I’m glad you are ready to walk away because I don’t see much hope. The things he did were terrible. You deserve more than this. You really do. And you deserve more than a life of hoping he won’t do it again, and we all know he will.
hugs for you,
Diane.Dear Ann,
Really sorry to hear he has been a big waste of time all along. I hope you see the futility of this now and you make moves to get him out of your life and,limit him with the kids. I’m curious why he told you all this but Thank God he did. There is nothing else you need to know now. You have enough.
I hope you are ok. Again, I am very sorry for your pain.
Karen xxAnn, I’m so sorry for your pain, but I’m glad that you know and are making decisions based on reality now. He’s a very sick man. I’m glad that he told you what you needed to know, though. Thinking about you.
Dearest Ann, just reading your post brought tears to my eyes for YOU and the children. I am so so sorry that a decent woman like you should be exposed to this, should be brought into this sick world of your husband. As someone advised you earlier, I want to reiterate, please get an order that doesnt allow him to be alone with the kids. Leaving him isnt going to be easy especially since he reasons that he has been honest with you, but take it from me, someone who is in the thick of stuff, it’s going to be worth it!!! We love you and appreciate you, tough on him if he doesnt.
Oh Ann, I am so sorry. But you are sounding strong and determined even in the face of this awful shock, and I have a feeling you are going to be just fine. But please take extra good care of yourself right now. Be really gentle on yourself. We are all here for you. Sending you hugs and prayers for your healing. xoxo
ann, jeez, i’m sorry. i’m speechless, actually.
you sound grounded and sane. thank god for that. hugs, lisa
Ann I am so sorry but I understand that feeling of feeling free too. Cry, mourn and do what you need, because like you said, you can make a decision based on the truth now. I am so mad about these guys doing this and marrying and having kids with us. Daisy, couldn’t I open a case and set some precedent for other women. I would like to sue them in civil court for damages and pain and suffering.Ann, btw, your post scared me deeply that he had the prostitutes to your house with the kids there. This is a big concern for me if we have custody issues. They are so selfish they don’t think about anyone but themselves and their needs. My Sah would go play basketball in the mornings and stay so late that he’d call his middle/responsible daughter to make sure the younger kids were ready for school and he’d have them wait for him in the driveway (they’d missed the bus) he squeal up, load them in and peel off to get them to class. Then he was pissed at the principle because she implemented a policy that parents had to come into the office and sign their kids in if they missed the bell! Damn her! What an asshole.
Oh Ann – I’m not in much shape to offer any advice right now but just wanted to know that I’m sorry for what you went through. You’re strong and resiliant and you’ll get through this.
Thanks to everyone for the replies, and sorry for the delay. The parties this weekend are finally over and the asshole is back on a plane. I’d hope it crashes – but that wouldn’t be fair to the other people on it. Maybe he’ll get pushed out at 30,000 feet?
Apparently taking the ring from him was the most devastating thing I could have done to him. He begged me to return it before he left. I guess he spent over an hour crying after I left the hotel. I say good. He should have had a little more of that feeling while he was out screwing around.
I did thank him though. He swore up and down that he didn’t want to tell me about any of this. He was “protecting” me – yeah right. He was protecting himself. He knew I’d walk away. By”protecting” me he was keeping me a slave in his world and taking away my free agency by keeping me ignorant. That is what pisses me off the most. Guess I can be thankful it’s over now.
So typical- he doesn’t cry and carry on because of the crap he has done to you and your family. Instead he cries about something you did to him as a consequence. Glad you didn’t let him manipulate you into feeling guilty, ann.
And isn’t he generous about lying to you. Such a great guy. Men are supposed to be the protectors of their family, true. But he has twisted that to whole new level of deviance- he is the protector and the perpetrator? It’s like those whacko security guards who plant bombs just so they can find them, save everyone, and be the big “hero”. Whatever.
You sound strong and convicted about where you need to go now, ann. I am sure it hurts, though. Hang in there, sister.
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