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When H and I visited Minwalla last week we started each meeting with a check in. We got to speak about how we were feeling emotionally, physically and any other way we wanted to discuss. It was a moment to use our voice to convey where we were in our body and minds.
I can start. I am currently at the beach with my daughter and two of my sisters, 1 brother in law and 1 nephew. It is cold and partly cloudy but still right where I want to be. I spoke to my h briefly this morning regarding plans that needed to made for our daughters graduation from college which is fast approaching. We got through the phone call and the plan was made and daughter is pleased. I really am not thinking about him much at all. I will be here through Easter Monday. He will spend the holiday at home alone. He will see Dr. Amos on Friday. He is working with Minwalla to get the dates to go out to a longer intensive in April. A work conflict appears to be keeping him from the 9 day intensive that begins on the 20th. That pissed me off, but he says that he is waiting to see if Minwalla can fit him in for a 7 day individual intensive, prior to our daughter’s college graduation on May 10th. I have been holding my breath regarding his returning for the intensive because I believed when we returned to NC, he would go back to defensive mode. Finding out that he still plans to go is pretty shocking to me. Of course I won’t believe it until I hear that he is there in Minwalla’s presence. I feel strong and I am working on my life plan so that I am ready to pull the trigger when the moment arrives. I am 90% sure that the time will come and that I will go, but I must admit to about a 10% hope that a miracle could happen and his recovery could be real. I have promised Dr. M to give my SAH the next 6 months to really get grounded in a recovery program that will be individualized by Dr. Minwalla and Dr. Amos here in NC. he will stay in our house when he gets home late Thurs nights and will leave on Sundays. I am picking up more shifts on the weekends at Hospice. I worked over 24 hrs this past weekend so I barely saw him. It was OK. We both feel good about that collaboration. At the end of 6 months I should be getting a proper disclosure that Dr. Amos helps Tim prepare. Minwalla wants my plan (little beach cottage) ready to go forward if the disclosure ends the marriage. I will be ready. I am seeing my therapist weekly and getting great insight and support from her. I have missed my group therapy for the third week in a row – once for CA trip and twice for beach trips. I will head back to those gals next Thursday. I still have the occasional tears but very infrequently any more. I am beginning to sleep better and have a real peace about my future. I know I will be happy and have the love of my kids and eventually grand kids. He won’t. So who wants to go next- to kind of give us a brief insight into where you are and what is going on at the moment? I was hoping this might be a way for new gals to get stories a bit more straight. There are SOS many of us that it gets coñfusing.Trish if you want to reconcile then I hope Tim recovers and you can be happy together. I’m also pleased you have plan b or is that plan a? You sound like you are doing really well. At peace?
I just have to ask…what would be the nature of the dealbreaker in his disclosure?
Enjoy your family time. xoxCI am still just roommates with my husband because of his just porn addiction. I declared no more physical contact Dec 12. He only seemed to want a hug and kiss before/after work with no need for sex so I said why should I give you want you want when I can’t get sex. It was a mind fuck so I said no more of either.
I’m happier, we fight next to zero now, we chat about the kids, work, the weather, etc….just not about “us”. I have no spare room to send him off to so I sleep on my side of our king bed and he stays on his side with the dog. He never complains about not having sex and he makes no attempt to change my mind, which is fine with me. He did try once in Feb to claim “this roommate thing isn’t working for me” but he got zilch from that chat aside from me saying then divorce me, I don’t know what to tell ya.
He still attends church sun/wed, goes to group but has not been to therapy in a few weeks. I haven’t asked why. I’ve taken on two side jobs and am finally making a dent in the debt I’ve caused.
Not noticing any outward signs he’s up to something nor do I ask. My speculation on therapy is that maybe he stopped to seek out a CSAT that I had requested take the therapists place. Who knows. Don’t know/don’t care.
I’ve cocooned myself in no contact and side jobs and have slowly started losing weight again. 10 lbs so far in 3 weeks. I’ll take it!!! 60 more to go. To see me you wouldn’t think I needed to lose that much but the scales don’t lie.
Not really having moments of missing the hand holding or hugs/kisses. It’s nice not to be woken at 530 am to be told bye, kiss kiss hug. Most mornings I don’t even hear him in the shower and I sleep thru til my alarm goes off.
My ex is an issue right now by claiming my kids on his taxes so I’m patiently waiting to see how all of that unfolds. I will prevail there I am told by the atty and our CPA.
My oldest graduates hs in June and my thoughts run toward family gathering here for that. I’m finishing painting the inside of our house once our new roof is on in a few weeks (couple walls had water damage) sooooooo that’s where I’m at right now aside from having a smoke in the garage.
Setting a polygraph date once IRS money arrives. At this point I don’t care but I wanted it in July, he agreed so why not. It’s more so from a nosy standpoint now as opposed to a I need this crap verified standpoint like I felt several months ago.
So I’m literally just rocking along with life right now enjoying my cocoon. It’s a safety I deserve that’s long overdue.
I am still fighting.
Going to take a break for the weekend and focus on what matters most- making memories with my kids.
I have been wasting time on sos for 3 days because the new agreement came in the mail and is sitting on my counter – unopened. I am relieved that he is offering so much, and I still can’t believe it. So why can’t I open it??? Because it feels like another manipulation ~as always in the nicest form ever. Crazy – I know. He is going to give me the world and now I don’t want it from him because I will feel like I owe him something. Story of our entire marriage.
I leave for a week in Mexico Saturday with about 20 other families. WE all planned this trip when our kids were in 8th grade (4 yrs ago). I am going to be the only single parent and it pisses me off. I feel like such an odd ball.
So here I sit with a great alimony offer and a trip to Mexico and I haven’t read it or packed! I need a kick in the ass.
I did order about $1200 worth of clothes online…….so i might just dump it in my suitcase and decide what to keep when I get there.
I hate how they ruin so much- how everything they touch is contaminated with their toxic sludge.
Heidi, I wish mine would offer me ANY alimony. But your post reminds me that even what we think we want still isn’t enough. Nothing can ever make up for what they did.
So true, Teri!
Trish – what a nice idea – to have a check-in. I think you all know where I’m at due to my multitude of posts over the past week but I’ll do a brief summary: first D-Day end of August, fake reconcilliation until end of October, 2nd D-Day 10/31. Fake recovery still going on. Caught him in a lie last week that was the straw that broke the camels back. Trying to get him to move out. He is refusing. I am now putting together my game plan for giving an ultimatum and if & when he doesn’t respond, have support & action to respond to that. It’s been a stressful week on top of many stressful months so I’m especially appreciative of the support of my sisters.
I’ll be divorced for one year in May. I left my congregation end of August and went into business for myself—consulting, counselling and coaching, using a model my colleague and I created. It’s called The 3D Path for People and Organizations, http://www.The3DPath.com (JoAnn okayed my sharing the site). So far I’ve been able to pay my bills with the clients I have, although I’ve had a few soft months. I love the counselling/coaching work. The consulting is interesting—working with congregations, health, gov’t and education groups (high value enterprise). I also became certified in Fierce Conversations. I haven’t missed being in a congregation at all which, after 25 years seems weird to me, but I guess when you’re done, you’re done.
On the romantic front, I have been with Marc for a year and a half now. We live separately. It’s been quite wonderful. He adores me, and I’m really enjoying that. It’s like I didn’t have any idea what it meant to be loved. My ex was my only sex partner, so I’m also learning what passion and intimacy and fun means with a real lover. That’s coming along nicely and I don’t ever intend to graduate.Well I’ve now accepted the fact I’m going to be poor so I’m back on my horse riding again. I really enjoy my life and I’m not going to let some sour ass bitty change me. I don’t define myself with material things and I know in my heart I’ll be just fine. If anything being humble is a good quality. I love my job and I just wish it paid more because it’s not consistent income but I’ll try and make it work. If I find it’s not working I have options. It’s good to know we always have options.
Trish, love the idea of this forum, thank you!
Love, Nap
I am finally seeing some improvement in my son in NYC – which has calmed my heart – my older son holds his pain so well he scares me for his future but he is doing amazingly well at medical school and is working on his relationship with his father that I can only look at and humbly admire. He sad to me “Mom I havae no more expectations of him so he can’t let me down anymore – I want him in my life but now I know who he is I realize that his pain is no longer mine” – what Goddamn insight! This is my 8th month in my own place and it is peaceful – we are going to Minwalla in April – I know that H is desperate for me to reconsider my decision to divorce – but as Bev said on another post – as much as he changes I can’t reconcile what he has done – even with forgiveness – maybe we just don’t want that to be the outcome – although I sense that some of us do. I feel that I can trust myself in a way that I never have and as much as I might vent here anger is a very small part of my day now – Jesus for a year after DDay I though I would explode every 5 minutes – whatever happens I AM OK – Meg
I know I’m fairly new here but I’d like to chime in. I find myself right now in an overwhelming state of disillusionment. Even knowing that my SA was a SA going in I never expected the shit level it had reached until 3 weeks ago. I’m still reeling from the disclosure from last Friday. My only level of sanity is gratitude that we have already been separated for 5 months, that there is no remnant of the life we were leading left, and that I am in a good safe place right now where I can either curl up in a ball and cry or batten down the hatches, dig the trenches, and arm for all out war.
I’m pissed too that for yet a second time in my life my forward progress has been put on hold by some weakass man who has put my life in a holding pattern (I’ve come to the realization that I have really crappy taste in men). All the plans for my life came to a screeching halt last weekend. Now I’m in the process of laying out new ones. Hopefully healthier ones.
Great idea Trish. D-day in early August, joined SOS early October, he moved out late November. He’s been out for 4 months, and I said Minwalla or divorce, and perhaps divorce anyway, a couple of months ago. In the 4 months he’s been gone, my father died and I had surgery for a broken wrist, but as it pertains to my “relationship”, it’s been a content 4 months. He pays the bills, I don’t talk to him expect about the house or our daughter for the most part. It’s a content in between for the time being. And now I’m anxious and scared because he’s going to Minwalla, flies out today, will be there 4 days. I’m scared that he WILL listen to Dr. M and do what he’s asked to do, and I’m scared that he WON’T listen to Dr. M and do what he’s asked to do. Today, I don’t know which I’m more scared of. I know I can’t go on like we have been, we have to have some resolution, but it’s been a lot easier than what’s coming up, I think, whatever that is.Even if he decides to do what Dr. M asks, I made it clear that it is my expectation that he won’t be moving back in unless he’s been doing recovery for a few months and we both want that to happen, and that I would need disclosure and a polygraph first. I really don’t think he will do the work over the long haul, but a big part of me at least wants him to try. I’m going to spend my weekend rereading the Gaslighting book, and also bought the book FC has been reading by Dr. Simon. The irony and sadness of that being my weekend plan doesn’t escape me, and maybe that’s where the real answers lie. I’m afraid I won’t know truth from manipulation. Really, what kind of a life is that? What I really think I need is closure, and I’m going to Minwalla for the 6 day partner intensive at the end of April.My biggest fear is that closure isn’t possible, that even if he’s not with me, that this story and what happened will always be with me, and not in a growth, you learned something about yourself kind of way, more like an unwanted guest who never goes away.
“overwhelming state of disillusionment” Welcome to the club. No one really understands what it means to be with one of these dudes, until you have lived with one of these dudes.
I have been married to an SAH for 27 years, ten of which we were in full time ministry, he being the pastor of the Full gospel church of God. I initiated divorce, he received papers on 5 December 2011 and I am still trying to legally divorce him. The hold up came from the Family Advocates office who wanted a thorough investigation because of his sexual misconduct that I was alluding to in my papers. Also trying to get protection order was quite a journey. At the moment he will be served soon with a variation to the protection order as I discovered only recently that the current one does not protect me and the boys fully. Also my older son who was severely damaged had a terrible mishap. took a girl whom he knew to his house and she reported him for alleged rape,, he was locked up and had to appear and has been granted bail but must reappear on 8 April, the date my son who died celebrates a birthday. I have since taken him back home. my husband chased him out of the house when he was very very young. Yep so that’s my story, Thanks Trish this is so therapeutic and makes me feel I am moving on
Right now I am feeling anxious my SA said he was having the tax refund check automatic deposited into my personal account. Lots of things will bounce if it doesn’t come by Monday. Including a $300 deposit for the biopsy of a cluster of growths in my left breast I have to have out on Tuesday.
Being at his mercy like this makes me a basket case. I am on Celexa because of PTSD, and flashbacks from violent porn of his I stumbled onto when mistakenly put into MY PHONE to transfer it place to place in March 2012.Married Oct 2010. Discovery Oct 2011, both of us were immediately in recovery and counseling. He lost his job because SA behaviors in Jan 2012. Finally found one five states away in May 2012, he took it and moved there and I stayed behind to sell the houses and let the children finish the school year.
I still haven’t joined him. He hasn’t met the conditions for reunion that we worked out with the CSAT he was seeing. He cut me off financially for a while, then he started a direct deposit to my bank account in Dec 2012 which has been consistent until now.
On May 8 I can file for divorce, but I will not get alimony because of short marriage. Attorney says my best bet is to file legal separation before that date that survives the divorce as a legal order. I haven’t done it yet because it takes more money than my SA will allow me to have at any given time to draw it up. The attorney thinks if we present it just right, we may get SA to agree to providing temporary support in the amount he is now depositing for 3 years, to allow me to finish the online Bachelors in Nursing program I just signed up for. The attorney thinks that will be acceptable to the judge, for two reasons: 1) finding full time LPN work here is just not panning out, 2) I have emails that SA intentionally tricked me into marrying him and intended to have his whores on the side for our entire lives, even if I don’t have proof he actually had sex with them after we were married (only 54 texts and emails to them in 11 months, on his usual sex schedule with them prior to our marriage, geez, figure it out already.)
Anyway, I have to get the tax check to give the attorney his retainer to do that. Back to the beginning of the circle.
Oh, and I resigned from the post as PTA hospitality chair for my son’s school today. He was punched in the back of the head WHILE I WAS WATCHING in line for pick up, and the same man who said he had no choice but to suspend my son for punching a bully who teabagged him twice because “school policy is no tolerance, all fighters are suspended”, didn’t suspend the boy who punched my son without provocation in full view of me and another administrator. I told them I can’t support that administration. I was working on a dinner on April 11 for 65 teachers and administrators, and a county wide “Teacher Appreciation” celebration that included events every single day in the first week in May. Somebody is going to be doing a LOT of catch up. I can’t feel bad about that, though.
So, separated and waiting on tax refund to make that legally binding on SA, dependent on SA for insurance and income, working on degree, wondering how my biopsy results will affect the rest of this chaos. Not so scared, just plain pissed. All the other crazy details are in the book I wrote about this experience that the tax check is also supposed to pay editing and publication costs for.
Now , taking it one brush fire at a time.
I can’t seem to give an update because I think I am in denial about where the whole thing is headed 🙂
You are in transition, from my perspective. You can’t make a determination yet. I don’t see that as denial, Bev.
Maybe I’m in denial for you
🙂
hi everyone,
i’m so sorry, i just don’t have the focus to read very much right now, so i haven’t read this thread yet. but a quick update for me is that i’m safe, my son is safe. and DW and i are talking things through. things continue to be civil, adult and respectful. i feel myself detaching less, so my goal today is to gain that detachment back so i can continue to protect myself. love you all. lisa
I think you may have a good point Lynn….
I’m not in denial, I am in transition. Makes sense actually…
Love you guys so much.
Dear Gail, I am so sorry. This is really a difficult time for your family. I hope things will resolve with your son’s hearing very very soon. You really didn’t need this now. I had to read your post a couple of times to hold the picture in my mind. This is truly awful. My heart goes out to you and you’ll be in my prayers.
Best of the best to you, and peace.Dear Lynn, I’m reading the posts and slowly learning what you’ve all been up to. I must have missed your update about your tests. So sorry to hear about the upcoming surgery. This is not a time for any of us to go through physical problems too. I hope it is not serious. I’m going to go back and see if you’ve given an update about this. Be well and best wishes for a speedy recovery after your surgery.
Things are moving quickly here. SA h is actively looking for a place and told me he will take a temporary place for beginning of April. My heart wants to jump out of my chest. I haven’t yet told my daughter and I feel extremely anxious about it, needing to do relaxation techniques to stop a panic attack.
He is baking apple pie as I write.
I’m working on a budget proposal for the work I’ll be doing with Darfur refugees this July. I’m only asking for budget to cover my costs and thinking I must be crazy. I really need the money. So I’m staring at the Excel sheet trying to decide how much pro bono work I want to do and whether I should add $25,000. I will take my daughter and leave her in the city while I’m working in camps.Zola, Darfur is one of the most worthy causes ever but I feel the urge to add to save yourself and your daughter first.
Later in life you may have the opportunity to be totally selfless and charitable. Right now, you don’t. Ask for all the extra money you need to keep you and your children safe. You understand the misery and injustice in Darfur. Your daughter is young and only understands the misery she is about to face thanks to Mr. apple pie.
I’m baking a passionfruit tart. It is Saturday here and I’m having a nice long Easter weekend (5 days). My husband’s brother and family are over from New Zealand and I really enjoy their company. They are easy house guests.
All is well with my husband at the moment. I feel quite calm when I think of the future.I just finished a lovely sushi dinner with daughter. tonight i had a large sake. I am enjoying feeling single and independent as a mom.
i dropped off her dad- exsah- at rehab yesterday. yes, it actually happened. 30 days of pure bliss, if he stays.
while i am glad we found a place we can afford, and he it getting treatment he really really needs, i am most excited for me. i have needed a break and no contact for some time now.
hallelujah.
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