- This topic has 32 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
OMG I can’t keep doing this anymore. I can’t keep pretending that we’re gonna be ok. We’re not. Ever. There’s been way too much pain, too much heartache. Too many lies. Too much deceit. One too many betrayals. I realise now without a shadow of a doubt that I can’t help you!! For my own health and sanity I need to stop this madness.
I’ll never understand the why’s and it hurts beyond belief that I likely never will. These aren’t my demons to fight anymore. I need to let you go. It’s over. I wish with all my heart you had let me go years ago, instead of dragging me down with you.
I used to be fun, happy, confident, adventurous. That person was lost a long time ago, in her place is a bitter, sad, disillusioned, nervous and lonely woman who trusts no-one. How fucking sad is that.
I will learn and heal from this, I can promise you that, but I’m pissed off to put it mildly. My thirties should have been the best years of my life, instead they were spent looking over my fucking shoulder every second waiting for the shoe to drop. Not ‘if’ you would fuck up again but ‘when.’ Just took me longer than most to actually think you had a serious problem. I regret that, I regret that I didn’t seek help sooner in trying to understand…for me, not you. I promise I wouldn’t have stuck around this long. I can’t ‘fix’ you. You don’t even admit you have a problem!! After all you were just ‘messing around’.
Oh fuck, really, that’s all it was. 20 adult web sites with profiles, many of them paid for, hundreds of explicit emails, chat rooms, webcams, hundreds of porn dvd’s, not to mention how many women you’ve met and fucked and it was just ‘messing around’. But I will never know the true extent because you will never, ever tell me. 20 years, 20 fucking years. Happy for the longest time, I thought we were soul mates. I guess not, how wrong could I be. More fool me for putting up with your shit all these years. What a prize fucking fool I am. We split in May last year. I was well and truly done. You moved out. Thank God. But you managed to weasel your way back into my heart. Started couples therapy in the hope they could help you see that the crap you were involved in wasn’t ‘normal’. But the bitch counselor just reinforced that you were ok and perhaps it was me that needed help. OMG. Again. That’s twice a freaking counselor has blamed me, we did a half arsed attempt at marriage therapy years ago, and she blamed me too. I have second guessed myself so many times, maybe it is me.
Umm, but no, no it’s not me. I have to remind myself every day that it isn’t me that’s fucked up but most definitely you! I told you this was our last and final shot. You fucked up…again. Not even a couple of months into trying to reconcile, to see whether we could try and make this work. I told you that my absolute hard limit was no porn or websites. I don’t want to be your mother. I don’t want to be that person that checks your every move. But I am and I hate that! And, guess what…BAM…again! Are you fucking kidding me, are you fucking kidding me!!? Again. No. No. No. Shit….I was doing so well. You’ve ripped open my heart, spat on it, tread it into the ground a billion times and then put it back in the wrong way round (dramatic I know…but come on…shit…really..are you fucking kidding me!!). I’m freaking angry, we sit, we talk, you look me square in the eye and lie some more. You’re very good at it. I almost believed you. If I didn’t have the proof in black and white, hell, you may have been able to convince me, like the other billion times, but nope, I had the proof and you still lied!! You even had the balls to say what I was seeing with my own two eyes wasn’t there…even when I showed you!! You are a stranger to me. I don’t recognise you anymore. Just let me go…damn you!!
Thank God I didn’t allow you to move back in. Thank God the kids had no clue we were even considering getting back together. I can’t even imagine. You’ve hurt them enough and they don’t deserve it. It’s too late. You deny, deny, deny, you bring me your computer, you think that that’s going to make everything ok now. It’s too late. You wiped it clean. If nothing to hide then why wipe it clean (…sigh)? You want to sweep everything under the carpet and ‘move forward’. “Why bring it up all up again, I thought we’d moved past all that?” How freaking dumb can you be. I can’t just move forward……YOU. HAVE. A. PROBLEM. You’re fucking exhausting, this is exhausting. I’m so done.
I refuse to spend my forties, the same way as I spent my thirties. I will not continue to be manipulated and continue to be treated like a fool. I will be happy. I will heal. I will hopefully fall in love again with someone that deserves me.
You half assed cried tonight when we talked on the phone after you spoke to the kids…about a vacation we were planning for them for the summer. You must be delusional to think that there is a cat in hells chance of us going all together and how we had to make a decision whether to go or not because the paperwork for the rental needs completed. Umm, WTF… the decisions already made. What didn’t you understand when I said I was done. You made the decision incredibly easy for me when you decided to fuck around again!! I almost felt sorry for you…..almost. Fuck you!
OMG – you spoke it all so well in the moment of crisis. I remember those painful revelations and rages – the disbelief despite the evidence – the remorse despite the egregious behavior of a person lost in his own demented reality. Get out while you can because he shows no ability – at least at this time – to understand the true consequences of his behavior. It is not your job to be empathetic – let his therapist, mother , whore friend do that – you need to respect yourself and preserve both your sanity and your dignity -join Bev’s group – you are not alone and it is NOT you – stay steady in your commitment to your own moral compass, it works wonders – love Meg
Dear T&D,
it truly is insane-making. And the only way to stop it, is to leave it behind.
I understand the sense of wasted life and love. It’s awful. You can only live into your future and try and make each new day lead you forward. You have a future. You really do. And there will be joy and laughter and love in it, too. Your future belongs to you.
As I’ve said before—now go get it.
My money’s on you.
love,
D.Dear Tired and Defeated,
Think of the slot machine analogy. He is a slot machine. You have put a lot of currency into that machine- precious time, energy, youth, love,effort,tears. Occasionally it pays a small amount back- happy memories, good times, shared histories. So you keep paying in hoping to get the big return on your investment. But you know how slot machines work? Over time you just become more and more depleted and the pay outs are not enough to fill you up. I read what you have gone through and are going through and it is heart breaking and exhausting. So really. Are you fucking kidding me?? He will NEVER pay out. Save yourself. You are young and can find a normal man. A nice normal ATM kind of man who keeps a healthy balance of emotional currency in your account and when you go to withdraw there is always something there for what you need. You cannot change how much you have invested in this marriage . I wish you could. There is no going back and it hurts so much. Just the same, paying more in will NOT fix it. You need a blue chip relationship that pays dividends. The marriage you have now is gambling and you pay your debts in emotional damage. Walk away and don’t look back. I’m very sorry for what he has done to you.
Karen xxTAD, i unfortuantely understand your feelings so well, because i have been in the exact same position, but for almost two years before I finally got it,,,,
and I did also get the therapist who blamed me, the friends who blamed me, ,,,,,it was so fucking unbelievable that he was the one who fucked whores and I got to be blamed for it,,,just keep moving on and dont ever look back again because he may draw you back into his crazy dark world that you need to get out of as soon as possible for the sake of your kids.
TAD I’m so, so sorry that he has disappointed you again. Move on from him darling girl. You are still young to rebuild a full and happy life that does not include him. xox
TAD,
I’m so sorry for your pain. Your post sounds healthy to me because you’re very aware, awake, and see things so clearly, as much as it hurts it’s the truth. I’m 54 found out at 52. He had a work affair when I was 40 and now wished I would have divorced him then. They lie, cheat, and manipulate it’s their MO in life, it’s their way of life. Thinking of you and I admire your self dignity.
Love, NapTad, geez…that was raw and painful and I am so glad you got it out. I am sorry…so very sorry…
IT IS NOT YOU AND IT NEVER WAS. HE IS A SICK FUCK.
repeat as needed!!
I am new to this. I so appreciate knowing others are out there like me. It’s so weird. How can a person do this for so long and I not know it? How can a person live with themselves? Once I found out – he then suddenly became the husband of my dreams and a wonderful father (2 months ago). He says he loves me. ??? I feel this is a form of mental abuse! It leaves you with such an empty, lonely feeling inside. I am now at the position as to decide what to do. I’m mad that he has put me in this! I never wanted a divorce. I don’t think I can get those images in my mind of what he might have been doing. I know how hard it is to end a marriage because I don’t want to – BUT …
T&D, girl, you really need to change your name! You don’t sound defeated at all. You sound “Tired of His Shit but Strong”! I take what you wrote as a Manifesto of Freedom much like Courtney’s famous Fuck That post. Bravo to you!
Robin, give yourself plenty of time. As you said, you are new to this. You are asking the same questions we have asked ourselves and are still asking. I’m 8 months in and I’m just now starting to feel like I can think straight – some days, others, not so much. It takes a lot of time to get over the shock of discovery and the crazy aftermath. We’re here for you in the meantime.
T&D, you write with clarity and strength. As you said, thank god you didn’t let him move back in so that the kids don’t have to be let down once again. He’s let you down again, though, and I’m sorry for the pain that this is causing you!
Dear Tired and Defeated, I could have written that letter. I gave the SA four more years after discovery to turn the train wreck around. Those were more good years after bad. I wrote countless epic emails, spent hours and hours pleading my case, trying to be heard, trying to fix this. I divorced him, but it didn’t end; I kicked him out, but it didn’t end; I gave ultimatum after ultimatum, and he’d agree to my terms but not follow through. Every time I got near a true escape, he pulled a rabbit out of the hat, made promises he couldn’t keep. They know us. They know what we deep-down need. They know what to say, what works to keep us trapped. I finally realized I held the key, that I was the one who needed convincing. These are sick, sick men. Damaged, defective, manipulative men who don’t care about anything but where they can stick their dicks next. My CHILD’S FATHER cruises Craigslist for men, straight couples, gay couples, women who wear strap-ons, young women who can get him into sex clubs. HER FATHER. If that beautiful redheaded daughter was not enough to prevent that kind of behavior, what the hell did I think I could do?
Robin, if you can get some space from him it will help you. You need to get a therapist ASAP ( a good trauma therapist, not a co dependent zombie). Ask your H for some space ….he owes you that.
Read some of the info on the posarc site ( linked from here). It helps with some basics. JoAnn has ebooks on here and I have all of them. It took me 3 or 4 times of reading them to grasp anything ( shock).
Take it slow. It cannot be all figured out at once unless you just go for the divorce ( which is not a bad idea…)
Amen March…..
These men put their own children in danger and hurt their children’s mother. Sane people do not do that.
Dear Robin, I myself went through that experience. My husband turning into the husband of my dreams, AFTER I found out what he was up to. It isn’t real dear heart. Don’t fall for it. He will revert back as himself, as all that dream husband stuff is simply a ploy to continue getting what he wants? The cake at home and the cupcake on the side.
Hands up girls? How many of your husbands promised the moon and suddenly became all lovey dovey once you made discovery? Did a SINGLE one tell the truth? How many of them turned to you after discovery and said, “This is who I really am and if you stay with me you will have to learn to live with my deception, mind games, abuse and incessant lusting and infidelity.” ?? ……… That’s what I thought. NOT a single one.Karen xx
Since I told Greg I don’t love him any more, he’s become the Ultimate Boyscout Asskisser. Hilarious, how immune I am.
March,
How did that happen? How did you stop loving him after not being able to stop for so long? Was it like a straw that broke the camel’s back or just a long, slow killing of your feelings for him? You may not be ready to talk about this yet. If that is the case, thats fine. I was just curious as most of us have great difficulty breaking free emotionally long after we have a rationale understanding of what they do to us? Karen xx
Thank you, thank you so much everyone. I had no idea how good it would feel to get it out there. I’ve found that journalling helps me to try and get my head around my thoughts and what I posted was one of my notes to self. I now have to write down thoughts and conversations that I’ve had with him so that I can look back at what I’ve written as a reminder of what was said..how sad is that. He is so good at manipulation that I truly, truly think I thought I was going crazy and surely must have imagined all of it, until I started writing it all down. He can talk circles around me. He makes me forget. He makes me think that it’s really not that bad and why am I overreacting.
He has joined groups and met others in a particular lifestyle where all they think about is sex and more sex every minute, every day. He gets the reinforcement he needs that I’m the ‘abnormal’ one. That I’m not in touch with my own sexuality.
He met someone shortly after we split that gave him everything he could possibly dream of sexually, but that still wasn’t enough!! Why the fuck he wants to be back with me is unfathomable. I can’t be the person he wants me to be. He doesn’t love me. How could he possibly love me. How can someone who’s seen you at your very best and your absolute worst continue to kick you over and over and over again. No fucking more. He is incapable of true love and intimacy. Maybe it’s the thrill of getting caught that feeds the addiction.
He should have hit rock bottom when I kicked him out. He lost everything. He hurt his children so deeply. How could he? I don’t think there is a bottom for him, I really don’t know what it would take, but I need to accept that there may never be one for him. I have to accept that he may never realise how fucked up he really is. I need to remember that always and move on.
Robin, I’m so sorry. Of course hes husband of the year now…he got caught. The sad reality is that your life with him will never be the same again. He will just become exceptional at hiding his tracks…but you will catch him again!! And the cycle will continue. It’s up to you how much you are willing to stand by him. Looking back I should never have given him a second chance, never mind a third, fourth, fifth chance. We can’t help them. I’m so sorry for your pain.
The hardest thing/part for me aside from my kids being hurt is that I knew the minute I found out that I couldn’t love him any more. He didn’t exist. I was in love with a fantasy that was in my own head and what he chose to present himself as. The deepest hurt for me is that I don’t love him. Not like a woman loves her husband….
Karen, I can’t explain it. It’s something that happens to me. It’s like a switch gets flipped. In that last update I posted, I showed you guys the email I sent him, where he agreed to those terms and then started waffling right away. I knew then that I had done all I could do. I was exhausted and mortified. I kept remembering what Meg said about making a decision she didn’t have to “defend.” For all this time, I’ve been making excuses for why I was sticking it out, trying to save him–excuses for selling my own soul, for constantly demeaning and devaluing myself. I realized that I’d NEVER want my own daughters to do what I’ve been doing. I realized that I’d been trying to live with–and forgive–the unforgivable. Or maybe just the unforgettable. But, suddenly, all the love disappeared. Like magic. It was like when I quit binging and purging at 23, when I quit drinking at 41. I was finished.
Bev,
how true. It’s taken forever for me to realise that I don’t really love him anymore. Not the way we should. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” says it all…
Hugs
March, you sound like such a strong woman.
I love the part in your post where you realize that you can’t forgive the unforgivable… Or the unforgettable. So true..It’s taken years for me, but I can’t forgive or forget. It’s too painful. I go back and forth quite a bit between do I or don’t I love him. The truth is that I can’t.
Cut yourself some slack. You have been married 20 years and have children with the man. It is too much to just flip a switch quickly. You do not have to hate him or love him or forgive him or forget anything. You have to focus on you and let him go.
He doesn’t think he has a problem. He lied to you thru numerous chances. He blames you and allows the counselor to blame you. He chose his dick over his kids….
It doesn’t matter if you love him or not. He doesn’t have the ability to love you back.
Dear March. I understand. I agree too. I don’t think any sane woman can forgive this. As a matter of fact, trying to may be an indication of insanity. It is funny how in the end, for many of us, accepting that OUR feelings have changed can be the biggest hurdle of all. We worry so much about them and what they are doing and have they stopped doing it? Then in the end, it doesn’t really matter what they do because we can not get past it anyway. No matter what you do, whether you stay or go, none of our marriages are ever going to be the same as before. None of our marriages are ever going to be whole because our husbands are not whole. AND they are massive assholes to boot.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.