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So the latest nightmare…ugh, here goes…
So we had to go to coparenting therapist’s office for visitation transition last night for Bat to meet his dad in the (freezing) parking lot. As I understood it, we were supposed to go, I was supposed to say something encouraging, Bat would do what he would do, the therapist would witness it.
I told Bat early in the day and he got upset and shut down. He told me to leave him along. On the way over he was punching the car seat and trying to control himself.
So we go there and Bat jumped out of the car to confront Dad and therapist. Right away therapist and dad started in on Bat who was refusing to go. They asked me what I wanted him to do and I said that I wanted him to go and have a good time. Then they worked on him some more “Bat, you really need to go. Everybody wants you to go. Why won’t you go?” 5 minutes later they ask me again. I said (if I remember right) “I encourage Bat as I always do” or something like that. They were all on one side of the car and Bat was facing away from me. I stayed on my side of the car, not interfering. Then they kept on him some more.
After 20 minutes of them working on him, I was getting more and more tense. Dad was saying some things that sounded like vague threats. After 20 minutes, they asked me to get involved again. I was out of my canned answers, scared, cold, and upset seeing how they were cajoling Bat. I have been told not to say anything for months- because it could be used against me, it could create a scene, I could be seen as interfering, etc. So what popped into my head were 2 other canned answers I had- I had been asking for a script all week from my attorneys so I would know what to say or what OC wanted me to say or what coparenting therapist wanted me to say (I don’t think she got the message though). And I had talked to my therapist about the times my STBX has asked me to get involved and said that I felt manipulated and put on the spot- and she had said to tell him next time I felt that way. So in my stress, my mind when to those and out came “Can you send me a script because I feel manipulated and put on the spot?” And coparenting therapist decided I was hostile and told me to drive away and leave Bat there. I said I needed to call my attorney about that. My attorney talked to us both. The message I got was therapist thinks I’m hostile, apologize and encourage Bat like he’s a little puppy dog. So I did. Ended with Bat agreeing to go on Saturday with no problems.
Throughout, Bat just kept answering everything “I don’t know” “yes” or “no”. He would occasionally laugh and if you didn’t know him, you would have no clue how hard this was for him.
So of course, the coparenting therapist said that he is not in any distress.
So my son, who was in no distress, was up until 4 am unable to sleep.
teri, what a nightmare. perfect word for what you and bat are going through. a living nightmare. oh these therapists. i’m sorry.
Oh, Teri, it’s heartbreaking to watch the system abusing your child, I expect it from you soon to be ex, but this is horrible. I thought when you were supposed to say something encouraging, it was one comment. I didn’t know they were going to KEEP asking you for more comments over a period of time. That’s crazy. You already said what you had to say, once. What if you just said, “Ive already responded to that question, my answer remains the same?” Every time they ask. And I didn’t know they were going to badger him, I thought if he said no, they would ask you for your canned response, and then maybe ask Bat once more, and then let him get back in the care and drive away with you. I think you showed a lot of restraint, it must be horrible to watch your stbx and the system abuse your child, and label it as trying to help.
I’m sure you’ve already done this Teri but be sure you let Bat’s therapist know how awful it was for both of you. And shouldn’t there be a time limit on this? I thought that was going to part of the deal?
I’m so sorry you and Bat have to go through this.
Daisy, I just got off the phone with my son’s therapist. She was not happy. SHe had talked with the attorney about how it was supposed to be and got the same message I did.
I keep asking for a script and a time limit. Some kind of guidelines, expectations, something. Bat’s therapist told STBX this week that when Bat says no, just back off. Try that for awhile and see what happens.
Narc mom sent another email saying she wanted to talk by Saturday and called and left message (haven’t listened). Talk about not respecting boundaries. I would never treat a friend that way. If they said it’s nothing personal, I just don’t have time for this right now then I would back off and let them deal with whatever they are dealing with. But she is the least of my worries right now.
I think you are asking for all the right things. In fact, as I think over this sage, you are usually asking for exactly the right things. Please trust yourself. I have hunch this is key right now. Stay steady and just keep saying the same thing over and over.
I am also working on the judge in my own little way.Still on the Teri team.
love
Diane.Don’t despair yet. Bat was upset but he did not go. Ask if it is okay ( when they ask you to step in) to ASK Bat what is wrong. ASK him why he does not want to go. Try to get him to articulate? ” Bat honey, you know your dad wants to have visitation. We can see you do not want to go. Can you please tell us why and we will try to help….”
Encourage him to talk instead of encourage him to go. IDK…just a thought.
I feel by Saturday, things will be going more smoothly…
One more thought (I know you have tried it all and you are worn out) , is Bat more able to communicate by writing when he is stressed? Maybe he could take a pencil and paper and express himself easier? He could be polite but firm?
Has Bat ever told you himself exactly why he does not want to go with Dad? Not just I don’t want to but WHY….
He says he doesn’t feel emotionally safe and he is doing what he needs to do to feel safe. He and his therapist talk alot about how dad does not respect his boundaries.
Well, that was awful. I was also under the impression that Bat was able to say no, you say the “encouraging words” and that was that. He is expressing his boundaries well. Maybe he needs to use the word “boundary” so the therpaists will have some psycho speak to record and discuss. It might have more weight in their eyes than “I don’t want to”.
The concept that these therapists and attorneys are pulling him so thin, asking so much of a teenager, and refusing to respect his boundaries is phenomenally screwed up. I know you know that. It sounds so miserable for you to have to watch and try to walk the tightrope between doing the legally safe thing, and what your child needs. Bottom line, there needs to be a time limit on this parking lot transition. It’s yes, or no, and that’s that. You said what you were supposed to say. Bat said what he was supposed to say. The rest of their pressuring is harrasment, in my mind.
This is just ridiculous behavior on ALL the professionals parts. Just plain inhumane. I am so pissed for you.
Hugs
Dear God.I would NOT be able to handle this Teri. It makes my heart bleed. We need a big spell for that Bitch too.
Teri, It sounds like you managed to handle this very well. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to sit there and watch them do their “therapy” with your son.
There are so many victims in all of this, and for such a long time.
I’m with Karen on this. In fact, I think maybe we could resort to voodoo dolls and stick them with pins and needles.Teri if I didn’t know you and I didn’t know your history I would not believe this story.
Maybe you need to take legal action on Bat’s behalf (and yours) against the co-parenting therapist. There are court orders in place and she is ignoring those orders when she tells you to drive away and leave Bat there when he has been telling 4 people that he does not want to go with his father. This is insane. She is abusing you and Bat.This is just heartbreaking Teri for you and Bat. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this nightmare. I have no words but wanted you to know that I’m thinking all the very best thoughts for you guys and praying this ends soon. Hugs~
Teri I am really so sorry to hear this. Just what is this therapist thinking? I am so angry at your husband all over again for putting you and dear Bat through this. I can only imagine how emotionally draining this is for you at this time. Hang in there Teri, you are just so so brave and courageous. Bat is just so blessed to have a mum like you during this trying time in his life.
Teri, my situation when my kids didnt want to go see their dad was similar without the therapist involved tho. I got to the point where before dad came I sat my kids down and said look, this is between you and your dad and there are things I have to say to NOT look like I’m trying to keep you here so just know that when you hear me say things like ‘I think you should go to try to work things out’ or ‘maybe you all should consider going to work thru this’ do not take it as I truly agree because I don’t. I just have to say certain things to keep your dad from accusing me of brainwashing you. But mom you haven’t brainwashed us, WE decided not to go because we’re tired of dad’s crap the kids told me. I said I know but dad THINKS that so that’s why I have to appear encouraging.
Now granted all of that does not apply to Bat but maybe if he privately knows there are certain phrases you need to use even tho you DON’T agree, well that might help him feel you’re not throwing up your hands.
With Bat I’d use, as you did, I encourage you to go or maybe you should consider going or it is your dad’s time to see you. Anything else could be used against you later like if you said, like I did, “I think you should go to try to work things out with dad”-definitely DON’T say that.
That gives them ammo later to say ‘See, even mom thinks he should have gone to help fix things”.
Just make sure Bat knows that you are saying those things at your attorneys advice and not because that’s how you really feel.
Thanks for all your words of support, everyone.
So my attorney is really pissed about what happened last night. She confirmed all my observations and gut feelings about the coparenting therapist. She is way too powerful and there is no accountability. She wants to be sucked up to and does not want to be challenged. She was out of line last night. And I am stuck with her. She says to keep sucking up, let Bat’s therapist do the challenging. And then when her suggestions don’t work, let her know. And make sure I tell the forensic psychologist about last night.
Bat’s therapist is very upset, too. My attorney says I am really lucky to have her (and don’t I know it).
Coparenting therapist sent me an email saying no need to apologize and she can’t imagine how hard this is for me. I just gotta keep showing her deference. Coparenting therapist is supposed to call to give me her suggestions about what to say. It seems my STBX and I are both playing the same game now. It grates but it is what it is.
For-now, what you say shows exactly why I am afraid to say ANYTHING without someone giving me the approval. Some things can be twisted later to use against you.
I am SURE that my tone will be used against me. I have a very hard time speaking around my STBX because I am stressed and panicking. My voice sounds very forced because I have to focus so hard on keeping things together and not dissociating. I wish this weren’t the case, but it is. Another reason that I want a script because that will at least ease some of the pressure. But I am SURE they will say that my tone of voice distresses Bat or some such thing.
Sounds like you need to feed her ego kibbles. It sucks but you know her number so just keep playing the game. I think if you think of it as a strategic game, it may help depersonalize it a bit? Dr. Evil is hoping he’ll outlast you but he is underestimating Momma Bear and what lengths she’ll go to to fight for her cub!
Thank God someone is finally seeing this circus freak show with dr evil for what it is. You are lucky to have that therapist.
The coparenting shithead can go screw herself, oh wait, dr evil’s probably already got that covered 😉
And Teri you don’t need anyone’s approval or script to say neutral things that appear encouraging. All that matters is that you play along.
Stating the obvious appears encouraging like its your dads time to see you or maybe you should consider going.
Just never say you think he should go. That will bite you later.
Grrr I’m SO angry. This is so out of control. I don’t understand why the co-parenting therapist wields so much power. Is she not court appointed? Why isn’t she following the determination of the court ie. Bat can decide if he wants to visit with his father. Is it that I don’t understand U.S family law? Why are your lawyers not sticking it up her Teri? Why is there no accountability? It makes no sense to me. No-one can run amuck in any job yet that is what she is doing. I think you have mentioned before that this same woman has history. Why isn’t someone doing something about it?
just out of curiosity, why did you have to stand there? Obviously you have to protect your son, but why not park open the window and stay at the wheel. Tell your son that you encourage him to get out and talk to his dad. Then sit there and listen. You did your part. You got him there and out of the car. They can’t manipulate you if you aren’t available. After a set period of time – say 20 minutes then get out of the car and say “bat what is your choice tonight?” Let him decide to get in the car with you or dad. If he gets in your car tell the other idots that you will be here to try again next week or whatever. Then drive away. Document time with the camera. You don’t have to worry about your words if you don’t speak any. You got him there and out of the car – your part is done.
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