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I think every woman on this site can agree that her husband is a liar. The question I have is what kind of liar are they? I made up these general categories, so bear with me. The reason I ask is because my husband is clearly a LIAR, and lied often and well, I found out, but one of the things I was most shocked about on d-day, was that he was a liar at all. I had no idea, I didn’t know it from the rest of our lives. I have often thought I should have known he was lying, and that if he lied about other things, I would have known. But I wouldn’t have, because I wouldn’t have thought it was possible. Help me close another loop going through my head, sisters:)
1. Addiction lies – they lie about things that protect their addiction, including where the money went or secret accounts, etc.
2. Controlling lies, not related to the pursuit of sex – for example, we don’t have money for you to ( whatever you need the money for ) when they do
3. Lying to get out of trouble, not related to sex- like ” honey, I didn’t forget the garbage, I just couldn’t because ______.
4. Lying liars, everything all the time, just for the sake of lying.
5.Gaslighting liarsHe was called a compulsive liar in a counseling session. I don’t think it’s a compulsion, I think he knows completely what he’s doing and he’s all of those liars and more.
In the end, it’s the same result. You will not know their motivation until after the fact, and the damage is done.
Courtney I feel the same about my h. I now know my husband is a liar and I beat myself up about it. Am I some kind of freaking idiot? How could I have been so ignorant? I’m not just about the SA. My husband is a number 3 but I’m going to beat the liar out of him if its the last thing I do.
I’m smiling at the idea of beating the liar out of him, Catherine. So Lynn’s is all, and yours is 1 and 3. Mine was a 1, that I know of, which is an important qualifier. He controlled with money, but he didn’t lie about it. He forgot things or didn’t do them, but he didn’t lie about it, he just said ” I forgot ” or ” I just didn’t do that”
Courtney, mine is definitely all three too. Lies all the time, about everything and anything. It just rolls off his tongue, he doesn’t bat an eye. Big lies, little lies, he lies about everything and anything. From covering up the shit he’s done to even lying about petty things that there’s no point, that I can see, to lying about. I’m pretty sensitive about lying that even the smallest, tiniest little white lie from my kids upsets me so much. Anyone looking in would think I’m completely overreacting. I hate it. What pisses me off the most is it took me forever to realize the lies and that I just couldn’t see them. Makes me question everything. Whole relationship seems like a big fat lie now. I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t anymore! Liars…hate ’em!!
Mine is a 1 and a 3. He did admit a few weeks ago that he has a problem with lying. He said he didn’t have a problem with “the truth and nothing but the truth.” He has a problem with the WHOLE truth.
For example, he might say that he had left work early to go get a beer with a friend. What he wouldn’t say is that he stopped to fuck his whore before meeting up with his friend. So what he told me was “the truth” – he just neglected to tell me the “whole truth”.
I find now, he is still lying. Last night – I was looking through his phone (he was sitting right there) and saw a text exchange with his good friend about us separating. In it it wrote “It’s all my fault (no surprise)” I asked “why isn’t a surprise?” (I didn’t know this friend knew his “stuff”) and he said, “oh b/c he would know it wasn’t anything to do with you”. Now, I guess he said that to make me feel good? However, I scrolled up and saw a text from a few days earlier saying referring to having told this friend about things last year. I don’t care that he told this friend and in fact, I’m glad he confided in him. However, why lie about it and not tell me you told him? Makes me start to question if that is all it is? I didn’t even bother going down that road – all I’d get is more lies and half-truths anyway.
1 and 3. and FC, same with DW the whole truth.
mine has trouble with reality generally. tends to want to bend it to suit his needs, whatever they are.
the lies are freaky and a trigger for me. hard to know someone can look you right in the eye and lie. without a blink, a tremor of the voice. nothing. flat. cheerful. fucking creepy is what it is.
Mine lies about everything, big and small. He stared to work on this in his therapy for the abuse he had as a child–and there was clear improvement about small meaningless lies, but he kept lying about many things for convenience and to cover for the SA. Then, he started to “dribble” the truth about past lies a few at a time, traumatizing me over and over again. Now he will lie, then often immediately correct himself. It’s so weird that it is such a deep habit for him.
I’d have to agree with March. dr. evil lies to gaslight me. He lies about me to other people (has for years). He lies about things that don’t matter. He is a lying liar who lies.
His favorite way of lying is to pretend he’s confused about everything. He can’t ever keep a time or place straight. Poor, bumbling, idiot. That way you can never pin him down on anything. If you try, he is the victim (“I’m just not as organized as you. Stop expecting me to be.”) It’s fucking exasperating.
Sometimes we would have a conversation at night about what we were doing the next day and the time. The next day, he would act like he didn’t have a clue- ask what we were doing today. I would say “We talked about it last night.” and he would say “no we didn’t.” so I would recount the conversation, and he would say “Oh, I didn’t realize that we actually made plans.” I would repeat the time we had agreed we would leave, who was doing what to get ready, where we had decided to eat lunch, etc. and he would say “Oh, I didn’t know we were actually going to do that.” It was maddening. If I got irritated with him, expressed annoyance, he would get all huffy- “It’s not my fault. How was I supposed to know? Why are you getting mad at me?”
Just pure manipulation.Teri, I am surprised you are still alive, I don’t know how you survived that,or why you aren’t prison for homicide or justifiable manslaughter or something, I would be….and I’m basing that just on the above paragraph, not even including all that other even worse crap you still have to deal with. March is right, heinous.
I’m surprised at how many of you have husbands who lie as a default position about anything! I shouldn’t be.
I’ll add gaslighting liars to the list.What I’ve come to see, since really paying attention to what my sa lies about, is that he ALWAYS lied about porn use. This was made super clear after Eblaster was installed. I found him to be relatively honest in most other regards since I could check those things. I have caught him on a couple of occasions in a fight about something regarding the kids he would tell me something my kids said which hurt. It may have been true but it still hurt-“you’re yelling too much they say, sometimes they tell me something and not you because you might blow up”
It was always backed up with “I didn’t say it to hurt you, I’ve just been meaning to tell you and haven’t had a moment to”
I finally asked my daughter about something he threw at me about her. I could tell by her response she didn’t say it. She denied it vehemently. I exited that talk with her by acting like I misunderstood what he had said so she wouldn’t ask why I wanted to know. So that’s when I came to see that in an argument to deflect he points out something unfavorable that bothers him about me and puts it off on the kids. It happens rarely but now, I ignore it because I don’t want to ask again and give my kids the impression I think (know!) he’s a liar. Asking once was enough. He did it to me yesterday. My yelling has cut waaaayyy back but he’ll not point that out.
His “I don’t remember”‘s were normally reserved for questions I asked about his ex wife when she was texting suddenly for several months a few yrs back until he told her to stop. The ones left on his phone that he didn’t reply to were stupid reminders i.e it was their grown kids bday, happy new year or asking if he wanted to go in on a gift for one of them. Even his dad and mom said she was out of line on that last one. He replied no thnx to the gift question which btw took him 20 mins to do (barrffff, she might get mad……waaa fucking waaa cry baby!). The texts showing on the bill that obviously were deleted always got a IDR response from him when I asked. The “best” he could come up with was “IDR, all I know is they were never anything threatening to us as a couple nor were they inappropriate in regards to her or me”. I said “Oh really??? You ‘don’t recall’ yet you remember all of that??!!! You can remember stories from when you were younger, when your kids were younger and small details of our past when dating and getting married but you ‘can’t recall’ a text mesg from a week ago or two months back??? I call bullshit.” He said “I don’t remember because it wasn’t significant”. I said “Ok, if the deleted ones weren’t significant as you put it then why are the ones you didn’t delete which seem insignificant imo not deleted yet the ‘no recall’ ones were deleted?” (which btw the no recall few had come in between some of the ones left on there according to the cell bill). I gave up when he said “I just hadn’t deleted those yet” One night which was the latest she had sent a text came in at 10:45 on a Sat night. I noticed it the next morning on the bill. He took my daughter to the store for school stuff later that day and I saw he called her while he was out at the store. Three weeks later I kicked him out after confronting him about Eblaster. I asked him then what the late night text said and why did he wait to respond with a call until he was out of the house. Guess what? He couldn’t remember. I didn’t believe it then and still don’t now.
The texts are one of several questions on his upcoming polygraph
Dear Courtney,
your initial post really caught my attention because it took me back to what I believed years ago…..that my husband wasn’t capable of lying to me. What joke. Just the same,that is completely what I believed. Sometimes he would try to keep some good news from me, (an unexpected bonus, a company business trip to a nice location like Paris) and he always ended up telling me before he intended to. Until the day I found out he had f–ked a hooker in my bed, I lived 20 years with him without catching him in a single lie. Now I know he has used 1,2,3 and 5 at times, with number 3 being a personal favourite of his. He lies to avoid consequences. He also likes to use the “not the whole truth trick” to his advantage. That is a particularly effective technique because it works really well to make their stories completely believable. Looking back, once the shock of infidelity wore off, the bigger shock was discovering I spent so many years thinking I was living with a honest man and he was anything but honest. It is really staggering how little we know who they are, even after a lifetime together. It is also a testament to how entrenched they are in dishonesty and deception. Sometimes I think we are utter fools to think they can be helped in any way. To think that assumes they want to be helped. But do they? Or do they just want to help us to go on believing their lies and manipulations?
Karen xxYeah. I am one of the ones who COMPLETELY had her reality shattered. Though many of these guys exhibited consistent, selfish behaviour throughout their marriages, mine was the quintessential “nice guy”. He was immature but decent. Loving father, considerate husband….especially in those early childhood years. I would have sworn on my children’s lives, I KNEW my husband. But I didn’t. It sure does a number on your ability to trust your own judgement, a quality I thought I had in spades. They are good these men. They are really, really good at what they do.
do they want to be helped? i think DW wants his ‘good life’ back. so he’ll take the help so that he doesn’t lose all. does he want me to go on buying his shit? absolutely. it’s just a different color than it used to be, without the sexual compulsive behaviour for now, but he still has plenty of shit. and he still lies to himself, so he still lies to me. he always will, to some extent lie the most to those he cares about the most.
yes karen, they are fucking masters. you know, DW was really nice for the first 14 years. the last 8 he was an asshole. he’s nice now. i think even the nice ones have the potential to let assholeness sneak into their cover life.
i mean, they have to be assholes to do all that shit, right? (wow i’m really swearing up a storm lately).
how could you be ANYTHING but an asshole and do that to the person you love the most? the nice guys are hiding it.
Absolutely, Lisa. Lies, deception and the manipulation of those who love you, are all signs of poor character. Character is deep, image is surface. My husband had a good image and a weak character, well hidden under a layer of lies and skillful impression management. He played me like a fiddle.
Wow Karen. So true. I can’t believe how many times I told my own SA that he was “the real McCoy” now I think he probably got such an ego boost knowing how he’d pulled one over on me.
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