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I am so tired of being nice. I need to get that fing agreement signed. He keeps putting it off.
I asked him who he is dating and he wouldn’t answer, so he wouldn’t even deny it. So I said you were supposed to wait until we were divorced (2nd time I caught him dating since xmas) (plus craigslist hookups). I confronted him with the craigslist stuff. I don’t remember if I mentioned it here, I have been blocking it out of my mind. It’s really nasty. He said he was too grossed out to perform – so in his mind he didn’t really do anything. He even started to tell me details and I said to stop. Oh and the “19year old naughty girl” didn’t respond to him wanting to be her daddy and spank her. Another promise broken, he isn’t supposed to fuck anyone younger than his kids. fuckedupcrazyassjustificationfromthebiggestshitheadonearth
Here is the best part. If I get angry he walks out.
He said his therapist said he doesn’t have to talk to me if I’m angry and walks out, hangs up etc. It is the first time in all this that I seriously feel like physically hurting him. Arrogant asshole just hung up on me, cause I told him I am really ticked that he is dating. I could be a much bigger bitch than I have been. How dare he. Nothing is more infuriating then him walking away because I’m mad.
What is this? Another form of gas lighting? Im so mad I can’t even think straight.From the dude who has prayer circles around him at his new church so he can get better. He is seeking forgiveness from people he didn’t even hurt.
oh yeah – in my stbx’s world the above isn’t really a swear word because it isn’t really a word. Right?
Heidi I’m so sorry you have to communicate with this ghastly creature. Why is he putting the agreement off? He can do what he likes without questions from you if you divorce. Is he worried about his wallet or is he saving face. I just don’t understand these men. You are giving him a ticket of leave and he isn’t taking it.
Heidi – I can totally understand your anger – I would feel the same way. But let’s step back for a minute and think of this a different way. Let the asshole date! Let him glom on to some woman and get him out of your hair! He won’t be coming over to eat your leftovers any more.
Dating women younger than your children? That is vile. Who the hell does he think he is? George Fucking Clooney? I hate him for you but the sooner he is preoccupied with another woman, the better! (And use this anger to put a fire under somebody’s ass to get that agreement signed!).
Heidi. Why can’t we be angry? I was always told growing up “don’t stoop to their level” but in my mind I could be the biggest bitch in the world, use all kinds of nasty language, out him to friends and family, and wreak havoc in general and I still would be a better person than SA. I’m really upset about this have been reading the book Lean In and feel like our compliance is expected because we’re women. Meanwhile Heidi husband tries to fuck a 19 year old. You tell me… If the tables were turned these men would be suing our asses all over the place, no one would ever tell them to wait it out 12 months and all the Craigslist crap would be thrown in our face to take our children from us. It has got to stop.
yeah Heidi i agree with feelingconflicted. Just think of it this way. He does not deserve you. He would behave this way in any case, so you have made the right choice. You have every reason to be angry. Just try not to do it in front of him I think. Fake it to make it. Let him know you feel right about the choice you made to leave him and that you will enjoy your life without him. You know what I mean? That will really hurt him
Done. I just got off the phone with my lawyer. We see the her next Thursday, he needs to email her and me any problems he has with the agreement before. She knows I’m upset and wants it signed on Thursday. Jerk will comply with her so he looks like a nice guy. Perfect. I just got off the phone with him and he tried to trade me his 401K for MY cabin!!! I said you can’t trade me with something that is already mine! He said “I did a lot of the work up there” and I said sweat equity accounts for nothing! HAHA It was a quit claim deed to me. A gift he cannot touch according to the lawyer. He said maybe I should get a lawyer – I said go right ahead – in fact take the island and all the expenses that go with it!! (I did a 10 year average and it worked out to be $900 a month!) He backed right down and said he didn’t want it.
I just took my blood pressure 157/104 shit I haven’t felt like this in months.
time to take some baby aspirin and drink red wine.Amen, Eliza! If you don’t read Chump Lady (or if you do), here article today is exceptionally good.
Heidi,
I’m so on your team. What a jerk-off dickwad!
Just get rid of him. Let the prayer circles deal with his penis activities. You could always write the minister there after the divorce and share some of the pertinent material evidence in the interests of the safety of unsuspecting sympathetic and naive members of the church and prayer circle. Honestly I would have been glad to get that information.
hugs for you, girl,
Diane.Like the link, FC
🙂
Heidi,
Right there in the boat with you. Holding it all in to get that all important signature. Here’s how I’m learning to understand this from the SA perspective:
Anger (inappropriately expressed) = disrespect
They don’t have to talk to disrespectful females. It’s in their playbook. And the therapists books, too. SAs going through the trauma of being outed and all their pain and shame on display have a right to boundaries while they heal, too. Right?
We are supposed to express this in ways that are not demeaning to our abuser. Who just happens to think he’s an okay guy whose partner is just taking things a little too personally. Or someone he did hurt, who just can’t let it go and move on. Whatever our expression, if it makes them look bad in their eyes (figure that one out, I still can’t), it’s wrong and disrespectful. Isn’t it?
🙁
What a freaking circus this is. The therapists are our worst enemies.
Hang on sister! We make up our own words. There aren’t any for this situation that are bad enough.
heidi, my STBX was doing similar things, he would hang up on me,,,walk away when I get upset,,,,
he claimed I caused him so much stress and anxiety over the last two years because I was so angry and calling him names ( like fucker) , that he now can not sleep well, he can not function well, he took a week off work he told me to go for work related confrence to be away from here, from all the things that remind him of what happened over the last two years ( like being called liar, cheater, low life, does not deserve me or the kids,,,etc) so he can reclaim his sanity,
it turned out that he took that week off to go fuck a woman who is 20 years younger than him who he just met on the a dating website half way through the globe, now mind you this man was begging me less than a month ago to reconsider my desicion to divorce him and was kissing my feet to give him one more chance
Heidi, so do you think my stbx and your stbx came from the same clan?
Oh Harmony what a complete POS! Lets hope this new woman catfished him and isn’t who she says she is. She may even be a guy posing as a woman and that pathetic loser just flew halfway across the world for a sham! Id be willing to bet money that is what happened.
You have a right to be angry and when it is denied your anger will get worse – fucking vent – his CSAT can go fuck himself to – they are contributing to the duplicity of this disease – half of them are in recovery themselves and are projecting their own shit – Patrick Carnes name is next to narcissist in the dictionary – any good they do is violated by this idea that you have no right to be angry. Nobody wants to stay in that place but until it is respcted for what it is it will eat away the heart of who you are and destroy your soul – your soul is the one worth saving – don’t forget that – love Meg
Heidi,
This is a classic case of lost cause and he will say/do what he wants because he knows the gig is up so why should he try to get along.
I’m still shaking my head on a man needing to be told not to fuck anyone younger than his kids. EEEWWWW!!!!
I’m glad you called the attorney. I loved your reply to his 401K…..now play ball girl!
Honestly our world is just insane sisters. They are all horrible.
And Heidi’s ex even eats her leftovers. Everything tastes best the next day. Bastard.Dear Heidi,
I can SO understand your feelings. The tactic of walking away, running away, getting away, hanging up the phone, leaving the room ANYTIME, I wanted to voice my feelings…my husband was a master at that. When his refusal to hear me, inevitably
resulted in an escalation in my frustration and rage- he then used that rage as an excuse to leave. I cannot tell you the FUCKING CRAZY shit he did to escape when I was good and mad. He went to the bathroom or bedroom and locked himself in, he crawled out windows when I went to the bathroom, he left in taxis in the middle of the night, he hid out in local hotels and when I found out he was bringing hookers into my home in Borneo….he ACTUALLY jumped on a plane and flew OUT OF THE COUNTRY. All the way from Asia to Canada for 4 days! I COMPLETELY understand how you feel inside, Heidi. I used to feel like my heart would explode in my chest I was SO FRUSTRATED and FED UP. That tactic was perhaps the most abusive in his entire repertoire. It was VERY effective because I was STILL trying to get him to listen to me? When I stopped caring about him hearing me….that tactic lost all its power.
The thing is Sweetheart, your H is doing to you what he has ALWAYS done to you? He is lying to you and cheating on you. And though you are divorcing him, you are still planning to have a cordial relationship with him. I think you should look long and hard at WHY you want to do that? I also think you should look long and hard at why you give a shit who he cheats with or why you continue to ask him about that aspect of his life. I know it is wrong, I know it is disrespectful, I know he is doing it and passing himself off as a “good man”. But he is doing EXACTLY what he has always done…nothing has changed here, nothing at all. That man has consistently disrespected you and his children and you continue to interact with him.You are reinforcing his behaviour, Sweetheart. You are divorcing him, Heidi, because he lives that way and will not stop. It is futile to keep letting him hurt and upset you. It is futile to keep trying to talk to him, to keep asking him about his sexual activities, to discuss his therapy,to search for his online activities and to try to set boundaries with him.And in my humble opinion, it is MOST futile to think you are going to be able to continue on in any kind of a relationship with him post divorce, that will not continue to involve his abuse of you and your children. If you could have ever successfully talked to him or set boundaries with him, then you would have stayed married to him? From where I sit, you are pursuing legal action without enforcing enough emotional action. I don’t know if other long timers see it from my perspective, but I don’t think he should be in your house, eating your leftovers or allowed to participate in your children’s activities UNLESS they expressly want him around and you are not. And I don’t think you should be having ANY conversations with him that do NOT involve the divorce. I don’t think you should open your heart or head for him to occupy any space in it with his insanity. You cannot let him in emotionally, Heidi. You have to accept that he will be with other women and that he has always been with other women. If you cannot do that, there is really little point in even bothering to divorce him. You may as well stay married to him and accept who he is and put up with it. If you divorce him and continue to have him in your home and in your leftovers and in your life…..then you are just setting yourself to be abused emotionally as an x wife, without the financial benefits of being a legal wife. I hope you will take this in the good spirit that I am saying it. But it is crazy to say no dating before the divorce and expect him to hold to it, not when he has dated and cheated the entire marriage? Let him go Heidi, get that fucking signature and get his poison and abuse
out of your head, heart and life. PERMANENTLY. He is despicable. With love and respect, KarenKaren,
dr. evil swallowed a bottle of either Tylenol or Advil (I can’t remember which) right in front of me to get away when I was mad once (because he wouldn’t talk to me when he got home from work and Ashley and I hadn’t seen him in 3 days). I had to take him and my daughter (who was 1 at the time) to the emergency room in the middle of the night. It would have taken him maybe half an hour to actually spend some time with us. Instead he chose hours in the ER.dr. evil has a dating plan through his CSAT and has been dating plenty, if I am reading the notes correctly.
he also looks for forgiveness with people he hasn’t hurt and keeps on hurting us.
It’s all the same playbook. And it is fucking infuriating.
The looking for forgiveness is one my SA does, too. He actually wrote a few fathers from his seminary days when he was in his late 20s for that. And he has been through 4 support groups now that he tells me tell him he’s not so bad and I’m overreacting and should be done with that. Just like sex, they’ll get it whereever is easiest and makes them feel the best. Forget if it’s real, that’s not the least bit important.
Yup, and today Greg is hanging out at the lake with his only friend, a misogynistic player who likes to reinforce the idea that I am a crazy, unforgiving bitch. I hope they both drown.
Gosh I didn’t think my post made any sense but you all totally got it. How sad that we can all relate so well to this anger and frustration. Karen you are right, thinking we could have a civil relationship is just a pipe dream. He has the maturity level of a 15 year old. And pissing me off and walking away gives him the power. I’m so done
It got worse today, he looked at the finances for the first time, what a dumb ass. He stopped by again uninvited and spouted off numbers that are completely untrue. I kicked him out and told him to never show up here again without asking first. I really lost it again. My daughter was home from college( the one who is nicest to him) and after he left she said she hated him.
I can’t believe my whole strategy was to be nice and get as much as possible. This is going to get ugly no matter what. Another thing I would do differently – I should have kicked his ass out day one and filedI also think it will get ugly Heidi. He is only going to be nice while he is getting his own way. We all SO understand your frustration and rage because we have all experienced it and had our own idiots do these maddening, abusive things to us.If I have learned one damn thing through all of this, it’s that you have to play VERY hard ball with these guys. You cannot be nice, you cannot drop your guard and you cannot give an inch. It is a continual battle to keep them contained and yourself safe. I must say though, it all becomes so much easier when you reach a point you just don’t give a shit what they say or who they f–k. It will come, Heidi. One day soon you are going to be so over that jackass. Hugs, karen xx
Heidi,
He’ll likely to lawyer up now that he’s finally looked at the numbers. If he does it usually gets ugly (and expensive) however if you have a good lawyer and property or money you inherited and didn’t commingle you get to keep it and he has no right to it. I think California and Kansas are community property states and then it would be considered marital. I do hope he goes for the original plan because it will be so much easier. Mine who never seemed to care about money, held on with both fists during the divorce and even got fired from his job right before the divorce ended. I couldn’t believe after 25 yrs he would be so cold but he sure was and he didn’t feel guilty at all.Karen is right in regards to dr. evil all right. He is only nice when he gets his own way.
Heidi, don’t think you can have a nice relationship. I think the healthiest thing for everybody is just to get him out and away so him can’t hurt and manipulate any more. He is just too toxic.
Here’s what I’ve come to believe about these men. They are ‘win at all cost.’ I think they are so self-protective that everyone who stands between them and what they want is the enemy. The closer you are to them, the more dangerous you are. They trust NO ONE, and why would they? They’re so intrinsically untrustworthy and so capable of treachery…if you can’t even trust yourself, how could you possibly trust anyone else? It gets as ugly as it has to get in order for them to come out on top, these pitiful, downtrodden underdogs. To protect ourselves, we actually have to fulfil their prophesy–be a ruthless adversary.
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