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Well, thanks to all of you who had been there non-stop for me during this time last year when I was in my d-day trauma, sent my husband to the “house of pain” treatment center for 6 weeks, went through disclosure from hell, found numerous pictures of women’s body parts, emails, love letters, etc, realized that my SAH was with people I knew, worked with, professional women, confronted them with the utmost class and strategic emails I could muster up, along with hookers, and anything else he could find, decided to set stringent boundaries with my husband in order to feel safe and allowed him to stay with me and my children, went to therapy with him, without him, had the model SA/12 step, therapy husband who is dedicated to feelings, etc, blah blah blah…sober, wants to talk etc…realized I am a workaholic and not perfect, etc…its been hard but things are okay, etc etc…you know it all…
well, its been almost a year, things are okay, until two weeks ago when I get an email from this one whore that I could never quite get in touch with. Well this one in particular my husband really happened to like. She grew up up with him and they apparently got together many times over the years. Her pictures have been particularly disturbing to me because not only do they involve her sticking things inside of her but then I have photos of her children and her home. So she emailed me to my business email and basically sent me an email asking me to have my husband get in touch with her because she is “looking for him.” So, I called her and this time I did not have my classy and strategic and professional voice – I basically called and said that I would certainly tell my husband that she was looking for him and that I also wanted to know what she would like me to do with the pictures I have of her and a few other things before she hung up on me. Needless to say it actually felt great and I was happy that I finally got to just be angry! 🙂
However, it has actually really triggered some major PTSD symptoms for me, and I am feeling pretty crappy again. The good news is that I am actually back in feeling mode and not just working away my feelings.
I am actually considering going to the intensive in June so it might be time for me to start working on myself again and just get away for a bit.
Barbra that is horrible. Is there no end to this? What on earth was she doing contacting you? You sound good though in spite of it and I’m glad you upset her enough that she terminated the call. I’m guessing she won’t be calling back. I hope you get to the intensive in June. Xx Catherine
Barbra,
I’m glad things in general seem to be going well, but that is just awful that that whore contact you. Honestly, you just never know when you are going to get blindsided, do you? I can imagine that brought it all back up. The nerve of her!Hang in there and keep taking care of yourself, Barbra. Glad you are letting us know!
Good to talk it out Barbra, instead of “working”. It’s like peeling the first layer of ugly wallpaper and realizing there’s another one beneath it. Eventually there a things that you just simply must say, and how lucky were you that she was, in a real sense, asking for it.
The PTSD is always just under the surface of our life. The triggers diminish over the passage of years, but there are always some that just stick around. I’m thinking an email from one of his whores counts. Have you seen a therapist at all about it? My therapist told me she always had emergency appts that she kept open every week. I’m happy I only needed one. Don’t hesitate to call yours.I’m also wondering if you told your SAH, and how he reacted. With their “more than sex” history, I’m concerned about him contacting her. I don’t want to alarm you, Barbra. I know you want this work with your husband. I can respect that. But I don’t want you to be stupid about this and get hurt even more. Be careful with yourself and what you require. There’s nothing unreasonable about it at all.
I hope you can exhale and wind down. Are you talking about the Minwalla intensive? I think we would all love to hear your perspective on it, if you go.
sending pixie dust,
Diane.So this is the thing – I had to tell him because I just cant worry about him contacting her or her contacting him – I just cant – if he screws up his sobriety its on him -not me. And I can put everything in the world in place to keep myself from being blind-sighted but the truth is that if it happens – it will happen. And the reality is that I am a completely different person – so yes, I told him that night. However, I first deleted every trace of her email from every electronic device I owned so it wouldnt be easy. And all he did was say “I am so sorry” about 1 million times…that is all he could say…. the problem is that every single memory I have of our relationship and my life with my kids is tainted. So its not just her that goes through my mind every day, its little things – like we were in baskin robbins this past weekend and I am sitting there with my husband and my kids and watching my son eat ice cream – and my mind goes to a time when we had my son’s friend over for a play date and the kids were all making their own sundaes. And the mom came over to pick up her son, and she was wearing a costume (supergirl) because she was going to a costume party – and I commented to my husband that she was a little old to be wearing the same costume that my daughter had worn for Halloween that year (who was 4). Well, that is where my mind wandered this weekend – totally tangential but the problem was that my husband screwed this woman – who creepily wore the same costume as my daughter did to my house – WTF – now – this is the kind of crap that goes through my mind – 100 times a day…all day… and it is really hard for me to focus on the present while this weird stuff is constantly coming back. This is what it was like for me last year – I know it will pass again – but uuuuggg – I remember how hard it was – like yesterday!!! I will exhale, wind down, and I am really thinking about calling tomorrow – just to find out if the timing is right for me – or if something else is a better fit. I did talk to my therapist. I really wish I had the luxury of taking 6 weeks off myself and going to a resort type center and just focusing on me. No “house of pain” for this girl -maybe like a hawaii-based ocean treatment/spa center…hmmm
Totally get the tainted memory thing. Totally. That’s why I talk about losing 32 years of my life. There are whole chunks I just can’t even think about now, because I don’t really know what was going on at all. And if I think about it, I go crazy. So it’s like I have amnesia. I hate it. But it’s how I survive.
But you right on about not having control over what he does. You can only deal with what happens, not with what might happen. That’s always true, but we live closer to the edge of it after dday, and we can see over into the abyss.
I wish you could focus on yourself too. Just be. I hope you can get what you need. “Thanks for sharing” sounds a little lame, but I mean it.
D.xo
Oh, Barbra, can I just punch his lights out? And ‘Supergirl’s’ too? And the weird whore who was looking for him? (what the hell is up with that?) I am so so sorry. And I don’t mean to press the panic button, but is it possible that whore is looking for him to inform him of an STD or something? Why on earth would she email you? I feel so awful for you going through this shit. My whole idea of marriage and relationships is in the toilet these days. Bastards. You take care of you, sweet girl. xoxo
She emailed me like she wanted to find him to have him contact her about a mortgage – she used my “info@company xyz ” email – what a ballsy bitch. She emailed me probably because he no longer has the same number, email, etc and it is probably the only way she can find him – if you try to google him its if really the only way right now. She never knew that I found out because she was one of the lucky ones that never heard from me – she also disappeared around the same time that my sah went into treatment or else I would have found her. I was looking for her at that time – and believe me I found all 20+ of the other ones. Actually I am glad I finally was able to put closure on that one – for one tiny second before I lost it again I got that angry, powerful feeling you get when you finally take the control back….
Diane, I totally hear you..32 years of your life is a long time…this crap sucks…uuuugg
The good thing in a way for me is that it is really interesting to see that he can see what he has done to me. Now that my defenses of working obsessively so I don’t feel anything are basically gone we both are living with this impact. It is really hard but again, we are completely different people then we were a year ago…so something has shifted…..
anniem- yes, punching is okay…I will join you…just name the day, time, and place…when you get to a certain point in your life supergirl costumes are just not cute and sexy anymore – and if you are doing it to match a 4 year old girl that you want to be a mommy for that isnt yours, and the man is married – you need some help
The whore who contacted you is as delusional as these SAs are – she probably wanted to fuck again. I hate this shit. I’ll say it again…I hate this shit. Just when you get yourself in a good place, as you have worked hard to do, Barbara, wham! It rears it’s ugly head – whether or not she called you, it could be anything else that could trigger you. It’s so fucking unfair! And all the tainted memories that we all now have – so painfully sad.
I am glad you got closure on that one. She had no right to call you. Those people just have no morals at all, how else could they do that stuff. Normal people get offended and they have give this blank look/response like “What’d I do wrong?” They are denser than bricks.
You do deserve a time away, I hope you take it.
Barbra,
So sorry this incident came up. What happens is this infiltrates our brains. It changed our filters of how we view life. Just eating ice cream brings back thoughts of ‘superwomanwhorebag’. It’s “weird” because ot all really is. It’s like living in two worlds at the same time and that’s really tough. I think you concentrating on good things for you will help a lot Barbra. This whole thing is too much to wrap our minds around. We need help.
Love, NapxoDear Barbra,
I’m sorry to hear about this latest insult. It isn’t an easy path you have chosen. I think you might find Minwalla’s partner intensive really healing. I know you went to family week at his treatment center, but in the end that was mainly about him. This would be just for you. Glad to hear that things are going fairly well otherwise. Clearly, she is nuts? Karen xx
Hey Barbra, this question may be too personal or triggering but , do you love him? Do you really love him? It’s okay if you don’t want to answer. I am curious if loving them (for real) is possible.
Bev, as you know, I am living with a different person than the person I thought I loved. It is like starting over with someone new in the middle of a shitstorm.
I love the fact that he cares enough to try to make it work for me and the kids. I love that I can be myself. I live day to day. I know my kids are safe and they are not around women that send pictures of their hoo-ha’s around the Internet. I laugh and have fun a lot. For now it works. That’s all I can say today with 100 percent certainty. Maybe tomorrow I can love him again…maybe never… I probably need to trust before I can really love… And I am just not sure I will ever feel safe enough… One year is not long enough…
So, last night, I found that he put “feelers” out on “google+” to try to connect with her. He has no social media account, he has everything monitored, etc. I confronted him. He hasn’t reached her but since I mentioned that she reached out he “has been going through his own issues” about it. Oh fuck this…..shit…boundary violated……decision point….I am so pissed, hurt, betrayed, angry, not surprised,………disappointed…..happy one year D-Day….anniversary
Okay, enough of my pity party…. 11 months….talk through it, go to intensive, send him to men’s intensive, cut my losses, throw it away, give up now, worry about my kids being raised by women that put their vaginas on the internet, crap………..gotta go to work……
Well shit!! Just shit….
I was hoping the dumbass was able to stop. I really was.
I am so sorry Barbra. At the very least, enforce your boundaries and kick him out of the house? IDK ..
I do know I would see an attorney ASAP and see what restrictions I could get on visitations.
Barbra, there are no “I told you so’s” on this site because most of us have our own versions of your experience. It is always hard to believe that after everything you have offered before d=day and since, it is still not better than contact with the whore. He still can’t choose you and your children first.
I’m very sorry. Really. It’s crap. Total crap.
What is best for yourself? What do you need? Personally I think your pity party was too short, but that’s just me.
You children are not going to be raised by those women. They dont want your children. They don’t choose them any more than your SA does. I guess that probably hurts, but this is not like a love affair. This is narcissistic sexual activity.
thanks for having hte courage to tell us what’s going on now.
“going through his own issues” means thinking about himself and what his penis brain wants—not how this woman was a part of the wreckers ball that hit you and your family. I can’t stand him. Forgive me Barbra, but you are worth way more than this toad.Diane.xo
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