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Hi all, I have just joined this website having stumbled across it after looking for recourses on husbands with sex addiction. Ive got so much info and although ive been with the guy for just over 10 years, its only just dwning on me that he is potentially a sex addict. I guess im just looking for some feedback as I havent spoken to anyone in real lifer about this.So before I go for the jugular, Id like to say Hi, and hope that I can gain some help in removing the rose tinted glasses that seem to be stuck to my face!!
Welcome and I don’t know your story but I am assuming you have a good reason for suspecting your H is an SA…..
The first step is to educate yourself on what you are dealing with. There are many ebooks on this site and links to good info sources. Take your time and inform yourself. We will help any way we can.
If your H does not know that you are onto him then keep quiet and keep gathering info.
Sorry you are in this mess. The sisters are full of good advice and support whichever path you choose.
Welcome, seethelight,
and thanks for telling us a little of what’s going on for you.The behaviours that you’ve noticed have made you wonder. Can you tell us what you know and what you suspect? I know its awful to say it or write it because it makes it “real”. But we’ll be honest about what it sounds like, and everyone here has a nightmare to tell, too. You aren’t all alone with this anymore. You are among a diverse group women who’ve had the horrible moment of discovery, too.
Also if you feel unsafe you need to tell us. There are often good suggestions about that. And we like to encourage our sisters to get tested for STD’s right away because some women here have had their health compromised by their partner’s penis activities. No one likes to get tested but it needs to be done.
You need good support as to examine this in your life, and what to do. We will do our best.
warm hug,
diane.Im not sure where to start. Its such a long way from beginning to end. I guess from the beginning it started off with him being quite obsessed with sex, but i didnt see it as not being normal. I never had much experience with relationships and put it down to me being a prude. Hes always been a bit of a liar too.
Anyway to cut it short, theres been so many incidents, letters hes sent to me while working away,littered with sexual references as to what he wants to do with my body parts, kinda read like a porn script. More recently , while away with the army again, the letters got more graphic, again, body parts being ejaculated upon, threesomes, orgies suggested, same sex activity on his side.
Anyway, sex kinda went downhill the past couple of yuears. We had a chilc (whos 7 now) and his obsession seemed to just take over. heavy porn user, sexual remarks.
and the biggy, last year i discovered he had advertised on a gay dating site. he denied meeting anyone, however, he had on his phone a call recorder, which i checked and found that hed called someone hed got a reply too, and asked if the guy had liked his picture. The guy wasnt interested.
When i confronted him, i got the usual denial, then black expression, then the offer of explanation, in this case was, he just wanted some affection,some positive feedback and that he wasny gay . (how could he be gay…he likes women…altho he has no confidence,even though on the surface he is quite arrogant,he would never approach a woman.
that was a year ago. hes working away again, in which time, hes had a drunken fumble with a much older woman (he said ,after deniying it,which i exposed through emails theyd sentshe got him drunk and followed him when he went to be sick, ended up giving her some lip service…)…couple of days later, i find that hes been advertising again, about 6 months previous looking for sex (his words) for both men and women.
I know what this all sounds like. I know what to do. I just want reassurance i guess. That there is no hope. I want to love him. i want things to be better. But how can they. Is he gay? Is he bi?
Im sorry for the ramble, but my head is kind of everywhere. he works away a few months at a time, so hes hardly here either.
Cani add, that although my posts indicate that he has confessed first, he never has. Ive could work for the police as ive been playing detective time and time again with him. i feel like a control freak. alwaystrying to uncover his actions. We have been talking since he went with this older woman, and he has said more about what he likes sexually and that he would like threesomes, even suggesting that i seek them out for us. Hes also confessed that he likes looking at mens penises but has no desire to be physical with one.!
You should go back and read “laststraws” early posts. her name is Stephnie and she was married to a jerk too that wnated to and convonced her to participate is demeaning sexual acts.
Unless you want to participate in these acts then I would suggest you see an attorney and start making an exit strategy.
Sorry if that is too much for you to think about right now. I do think you need a therapist for yourself so you can get some good help. Your H is either gay or bi. That’s fine but it isn’t fine to lie to you about it.
Okay it sounds pretty much like SA stuff. And it sounds pretty awful for you. I’m so sorry.
FYI
Lying is like breathing for these guys. They’ve spent so long covering up that they just lie about anything–whether it matters or not.
You can enjoy sex anyway you want, but please do not do something just because he wants you do. Some women here have tried to appease their SA’s demands by doing things they don’t want to do. They wish they hadn’t. It doesn’t appease anything. They aren’t treated better. Everything just escalates and gets worse.It’s hard to be positive about your situation because he doesn’t even think there’s anything wrong with himself. And the extent to which he’s deep into this stuff is unknown. All I know is that you and your child deserve better. This kind of energy in your home is damaging for everyone. And the arrogance is part of this experience too—we’ve all had to deal with that and it’s so destructive to you andyour child’s well being.
I’ll let some other sisters chime in here with some wisdom.
Thanks for reaching out.
D.xoThankyou bev. How do I locate posters, is it just a case of scrolling through? Thankyou Diane. Youre right – he sees it as living life to the fullest as we only live once. I want to leave this man. But weve been together so long. Can he change or am i just living in fruitless hope??
Oh STL – I am so sorry for what you are going through. Definitely get yourself tested for STD’s ASAP. Do not believe him if he says he hasn’t actually been with anyone else. Start putting your needs first. Get a trauma therapist and contact a lawyer to find out what your options are. You sound like you know enough. Get busy protecting your child and yourself. We will help you. This site is a life saver!
Seethelight, so sorry. I believe they can change, I just don’t believe it can ever really sit right with us and we need to go anyway. Too much doubt is in our heads to ever really trust them again. If you want to leave get an exit strategy. Diane once posted a check list for new sisters… Can we bump that up to the top again?
STL – so sorry but he sounds like he’s working from the same SA script our mates work from too. Some of the “acts” might be of a different flavor but at the end of the day the behavior is the same – lying, denial, minimizing, shaming (you), guilty (you), only thinking of themselves.
Can they be helped? The jury is out on that one but they have to at first admit they have a problem and sounds like he’s no where near that. And when they do admit a problem – you have to be doubly cautious b/c they do the fake recovery thing so well. Their worlds are all about living a double life and sadly, that is the thing they do best.
Bev – I’ll look for Karen’s post and comment so it brings it up b/c it’s a great reference point.
Thankyou you all for your feedback. I atually spoke to him earlier for the first time in over a week,by text as hes away working. I told him that i just felt broken and tired of it all, the obsession with sex, the lies ive uncovered over the years. he has a slight stammer, from childhood, and he has said that hes fed up of the lies, and hes going to get his stammer sorted out as “…thats what started him lying…” So feelingconflicted, you are right. He clearly doesnty recognise why hes lying. i told him the reason he was lying is because hes a liar!! I had the usual it wont happen any more, i dont want to lie.
It makes me so frustrated that he just talks about it as if he can just make the change overnight when his behaviour has been going on years. If a message could be gotten through to someone by shaking them vigourously then he would hear it loud and clear because i really want to shake him right now as hes just not getting it.
Sadly, STL, it’s like trying to move heaven and earth to get them to “get it”. Even my H, who admits he has a problem, goes to meetings, etc. doesn’t really “get it”. He’s trying, sure, but is that really enough? When your trust in someone is eroded, they could behave perfectly for the rest of their lives but we will never know if it’s just an act or if it’s sincere. The best step you can take right now is focus on you and not on him. Do what you need to do to feel safe and to start to understand what you need to do to begin the long journey towards healing.
STL, I’m so sorry for your pain. And I don’t usually say this, but I think the sooner you leave this guy, the better. I know how hard it must be with a small child, but I don’t want to see you waste any more of your precious life with the heartache and crazy-making that living with an SA causes. Especially one who doesn’t truly believe he has a problem, and who is making you uncomfortable with his demands and fetishes he wants you to engage in. And yes, 10 years is a long time, but it’s a helluva lot better than 20 or 30 years, as many of us on here have been dealing with. If you don’t mind my asking, how old are you? I’m assuming you’re pretty young since your child is so young, and you have so much potential for a much happier life ahead. Sending you healing thoughts and hugs. xoxo
Hi Anniem…im 37…so not in the throes of youth, but still some life in me!! i feel so drained right now,my brain is hurting from all the thinking about it!!. As we speak, were discussing this over text and he wont accept he is a sex addict, and swears that everything that ive found about about him is all there is, no more lies. Ahh. I dont buy a word. I guess in a way, i feel responsible for him – i know that if we split, he will get worse with his behaviour. And what happens then with our child.Do i stop acess?? Guess im just a bit scared of whats going to happen if we split up. And with reference to what feelingconflicted sayd,i guess shes answered my question – just focus on me and not him. Gosh, it should be so simple to just put me first and not him!!
Liking sex with men and women is called bi-sexual.
You’re smart to seek answers to all of the crap you’re going through. It’s like a gigantic ball of yarn that you can’t quite get unknotted to get to the end. You deserve a truth teller who loves you and your child without causing you any sa pain.
37? You’re a baby in this ‘hood. STL it seems to me that you are wondering if his suggestions for kinky sex are normal. Don’t think that your own limited sexual experience makes any of what he is suggesting is OK or normal. It is not. Do not get drawn into his sick world. He is the abnormal one. Good men do not suggest this kind of stuff to their wives.
I’m inclined to agree with Annie on this one. You are young. Get the resources together to make you feel better and with some strength in yourself you will be able to do what you need to do. xox CatherineBelieve me, I understand the temptation to feel responsible for him. To feel if you kick him out, he’ll go even deeper. Well, sweetie, he is already escalating. He’ll continue to escalate b/c that is what this addiction does – just like any other drug you need to do more to get your fix. No amount of you holding on is going to prevent him from doing what he wants to do. As will no amount of you letting go is going to change him. He alone has to do the heavy-lifting to get the help he needs. Again, you can only focus on YOU.
Thanks so much for all your comments…id never get this much feedback in “real life” and im feeling stronger with each comment. Im not sure what im going to do with him, I guess ultimately I am in control as to what the outcome is. Initially, and what im hearing a lot here, i think im just going to start focusing on me. try and gain some clairity, fond out who i am. I know it all sounds a bit corny, but the last few years i feel like ive been constantly looking over my shoulder, or trying to second guess him or catch him out and going blue in the face with frustration trying to get him to just tell the goddang truth. God knows how many hours of my life ive wasted doing things like this. It really does cause brain strain!!!
Seethelight,
What you are describing is an entirely normal reaction to finding yourself in a relationship with a “sexual compulsive”. Once I added up the things the sisters were experiencing, and put it into a list, that helped me see that I was not crazy, I was going through something a lot of other women had been through, and I was going to be fine. i want to share it with you, but it’s long. Sure don’t feel like you’ll experience EVERYTHING listed here, or in the order it’s presented. We all have different experiences, and moving backward and forward, or skipping then backing up is really how it works in real life.
So sorry you have to be here, but I sure hope it helps.
Lynn’s Stages of Betrayal and Healing for Partners of Sexual Addicts/Compulsives:
• Shock
• Denial and disbelief
• Disorientation
– time displacement
– loss of ability to place things chronologically
– questioning reality
• Disintegration of self
– inability to make decisions
– self blame
– shame by association
– loss of self-esteem
– feeling flawed/ugly/worthless
– imagining you are non-existent/invisible/nothing
– feeling you have been disposable/replaceable/used
– radical changes to appearance
• Terror
– hypervigilence (STL, that’s what all that “detective” work is, trying to sort out what’s real and what’s not so you can try to anticipate the next hurt and avoid it, to find some feeling of safety in a very unsafe environment)
– feelings of violation
– feelings of contamination
– fear of going or being insane
– nightmares and night terrors
• Bargaining
– pleading with God
– negotiating with SA
• Sorrow
– inconsolable grief
– uncontrollable crying
– agony
– regret
– loss of innocence
– loss of carefully determined life plans
• Recognition (of events that now make sense, lies that you missed)
• Depression
– physical symptoms
– insomnia
– hair loss
– blood pressure changes
– thyroid problems
– weight changes
– physical pain
– hopelessness
– confusion
– social difficulties
– isolation by fear of judgment or pity of others
– loss of friendships
– estrangement from family
• Desperation
– identity crisis
– fear of future without resources
– fear of capacity to start over in this state of trauma
– anxiety
– constant fear of being triggered with PTSD symptoms
– walking on eggshells to avoid triggering SA
– constantly anticipating next occurrence of SA behavior
• Outrage/anger
– injustice
– frustration
– self destruction
– revenge
• Exhaustion
– emotional – withdrawl, dissociation
– psychological – psychic breaks
– physiological – systemic failures, hospitalization
• Reorganization
– redefining personal boundaries
– determination of SAs role in future plans
– defining life purposes
– conceptualizing being self reliant
– creativity surfaces as an important coping skill
– reaching out to others
• Release through either detachment or divorce/separation
– behavior of SA is no longer central to daily experience
• Rebuild – rebirth
– actively seeking personal growth
– personal sustainability
– healthy relationships with self and othersSeethelight, I was 38 when I asked my h to leave, then I discovered the depth of what he’d been up to. I’m 41 now and im still coming out from the pile of shit this has left me dealing with. It broke my career, crippled me financially, am still emotional about it but I know I’m alive and healthy because I’m mostly living a congruent life. My head is straighter and I’m not twisting and contorting my head trying to make sense of the crap he’s telling me.
I see my sisters coming out after 20-30 years facing 50 and I’m grateful I’m out after 10 at 40. I know my pain but when I try to consider their pain my heart breaks all the more. For me it’s the loss of what I thought I had more than the sexual betrayal, it’s the fact that what I believed my marriage was, wasn’t. That’s hard after 10 let alone 30 years.It’s not easy, either way. Stay or go, both options are fraught with different considerations and dangers and risks and consequences, none of which we asked for or deserve. These consequences hurt on every level. But as everyone says, you must do what is right for you and your child. And it’s not going to be easy.
What you do have is a bunch of feisty, trailblazing sisters who among us must have seen it / felt it/ worn the tshirt / stitched the cushion on it. And we are all here clinging on, smashing down walls, rebuilding lives and keeping going. Draw hope! If we can somehow, you will too.
Your life. That’s all you are responsible for. Your integrity, your love, your hope. You can’t be responsible for an adult male and his life and actions and consequences. Whatever you do, please let go of any guilt or concern and decide what your future looks like and Go get it x
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