An SA Christmas letter

Wouldn’t you love to get one of these Christmas letters that read like this:

“Hi All,

Instead of my usual upbeat holiday letter I’ve decided to take my therapist’s advice and ‘keep it real’ this year instead. As some of you know, and for others this will really be news, I am still married to the old ball and chain. I affectionately refer to him as dumbass, some days it’s douche bag. I came to understand a few years back that he was a sex addict and well frankly, I can’t believe I’ve stayed. While most days I can’t see any kind of future, he claims to be in recovery. I have learned recovery equates to recovering from his last round of whores and porn use until he’s ready for the next round. Sex takes energy. One must be well rested you know. That’s what he said his therapist said anyway.

Hubby’s still employed. That’s been a damn miracle he hasn’t been fired, all things considered. Big Brother IT watches at work so that’s a comfort knowing he hasn’t crashed their entire fleet of computers by giving it a virus watching porn or placing/answering sex ads while he was work. He was caught banging some chick on the copier while “printing” their escapades at the last office party. From what I’m told from my ‘spy’ at his office, this one was definitely a step up from the big one he boinked last year in the back of our station wagon. I thought the mechanic would never get those broken shocks off to replace them. I did hear she’s on her second surgery tho for genital warts and I remember him briefly mentioning something about needing to be tested again in six months. He said he got exposed to something at work but I have my doubts. If you saw the news where he was arrested for soliciting a whore who was actually an undercover officer, no worries. He tells me he was only asking for directions and lots of those cops lie anyway. I was as shocked as you must be to hear they do that too.

I’m so sex starved, it ain’t even funny! Who knew a sex addict could not want sex from his wife? Not me apparently until I tracked his ass on the computer to see what he was doing and then later I hired a pi to be my eyes when he was in the car without me. Best money I ever spent! I get a cut with their ‘refer a friend’ program so give me a shout out if this might be of interest to you. It was news to me that the Holiday Inn rents rooms by the hour.

I gave up on therapy. I’m to blame apparently and frankly, I could no longer see spending money to hear it when my husband tells me that shit for free. My days now are spent mostly drinking and calling in sick to work so I can do some of my own ‘recovery’, to rid myself of those nasty hangovers, to make room for the next one. I’m lucky if I get my teeth brushed let alone, remember to pick the kids up from school. Did you know it’s $20 for every 15 mins a parent is late for pick ups? That school could put a new wing on it with what I’ve paid in late fees. At the very least, they could buy new playground equipment with proper outdoor lighting to keep the kids occupied and safe until I arrive.

Kids are doing well. Its a miracle none of them have needed therapy given the shit mess they call home. At least they are mostly in the dark. One is off to college this fall. Yes, I’m jealous she’s able to get the fuck outta this nightmare. The other two are not far behind. I may go with the last one.

Don’t be shocked if you get a change of address card from us by next summer. Brain child, aka dumbass, blew what little savings we had on whores and began spending the mortgage to keep up his ‘hooker habit’ so our trailer may or may not be repo’d at some point. If anyone’s got any land they’re not using so we could tow this bitch there and park it, let me know. That would buy us some time until they find it.

I’m including our new phone number since I had to change the other one. Apparently, my husband made quite an impact on some of his lady friends, aka hookers, because the phone was ringing off the hook day and night. I have learned many of them think my husband’s an asshole too.

I’m going to close for now but keep us in your prayers as we embark on another New Year that’s sure to bring more hell and heartache than this nightmare of one has brought us.”