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Well after laughing at Diane’s post it pretty much went downhill from there.
I am starting to get anxious about going to LA. I have this phobia about sitting next to a stranger. I can’t even do it in a move theatre for an hour so thinking about 15 hours of it is kind of doing my head in. I just can’t afford to go up the pointy end of the plane. $12,000 for a week’s therapy is enough. I know I have to do it but I’m anxious.
Then I had to drive my husband to work because my son has his car. On the way the trip to LA and what to tell the children came up. I told him that James knows. I had been holding onto this secret for too long. He was devastated. I think men struggle with their relationships with their sons anyway and he questioned if James has any respect for him at all. I told him James has known since October and had he noticed any change in him. No. He said he doesn’t feel like he can question James on any of his behaviours etc etc. Obvious reasons. I said well yes he can. Admit to how terrible the behaviours were and how devastating it is for me, how he can’t forgive himself etc etc. I gave the example of his own father. The children knew he had had an affair but it was never discussed. His father never told his children how appalling his behaviour was, how hurtful it was to their mother and how he hoped they would learn from that and be better people than he was. Instead after leaving the family for 2 weeks his mother came back and put up with an abusive husband for the rest of his life. So I asked him what did he learn from his father.
We arrived in the suburb where he works and he was stopping to get a coffee. He started to cry and then said he couldn’t go to work. I said in one way or another that that was not acceptable. How was that going to help the situation and he had to get on with it. He went to get out of the car all shitty and I stopped him and said I was not putting up with that behaviour. He was not going to make me feel bad for his inability to man up. He said I’m sorry I’m just shocked. Well steam came out of every orifice and I exploded. ‘Shock. Don’t even talk to me about shock. One night you told me you didn’t want to spend the rest of your life unhappy. I went to work the next day and I came home and you looked right through me and I went to bed and again I woke up and went to work the next day. I have had shock after shock after shock when you dribbled your shit out but still I carried on. DO NOT talk to me about shock.’
Well he went to work. I went and sat for a while at the beach because I was too upset to drive. He texted me with an apology and told me he is looking forward to talking to James.
On my drive home I reflected back on this. I was strong. I felt scared and weak at times but the strength came through. I had to be honest with him. I could not accept and would not accept that behaviour
My strength is my honesty. I’m not scared to be honest that I am taking a big risk trying to stay in this marriage. I won’t be scared to admit it if it is falling apart.
Sometimes I’m scared of going against the status quo but I can only ever be honest. That is a good thing.YAY! You were wonderful! Thata girl! Way to stand up for yourself and show him what a low lying coward he is. So very proud of you. You absolutely did the right thing. And guess what? He didn’t die, he managed to go about his day and he’s still alive. Go figure!
Love you, Cat!
Cat, you ARE strong; I did the same thing, day in and day out, dealing with the horrendous pain, alone, terrified and yet somehow functioning and managing my “shock.”
Thank God you can go to LA for the partner intensive. I know you will be very uncomfortable on the plane, but I also know that you have your wits about you and you will use all of your coping strategies such as: a good couple of movies to watch, a few great books to read, a silly magazine about “say yes to the dress” and, of course for you, Arch Digest…meditation and breathing techniques, ambian from the doc, and a good stiff drink (or two)!
I want you to know that I am always glad to read your posts because you seem so sensible and grounded, yet honest and vulnerable. I am truly glad to be getting to know you.
Catherine, You are awesome. You did a great job standing your ground and not letting him off feeling sorry for himself (boy these guys are good at that). I’m sorry that you had to hold his hand through all that. Of course he should talk to his son (appropriately- can he be trusted to figure out what that is?). I know it wasn’t fun, but you did a good job for yourself and you can be proud of that.
And I think on your flight you should take advantage of the beverage service.
And if it is of any comfort, I have met many very nice and interesting people on flights. Bat and I sat next to a college math professor on our way back from Puerto Rico. It was great (although Bat knew more than the professor, I’m afraid. I could tell he was out of his league when Bat started showing him some problems he was working on during the flight and he just kinda said “huh, that’s interesting”.) But they told math and science jokes most of the flight.
And you will have the little TVs with ear phones so you can watch back-to-back movies all the way, if you want.
You did well halting the riff raff and calling him out.
Mine did the same when I said I told my oldest. He got pissy too. Too bad. I wanted to know if she or her sisters had seen anything on the computer. He put me in that need to know spot, not me.
Catherine I would love to give you a big ol’ hug right now. You did good girl! Really good. You keep thinking about how you don’t want to be dumped on like your MIL was and you’ll be fine. Better than fine, in fact.
You did so very well. I know that going to Cali is so scary. I hope maybe you can find a way to upgrade to business class at least. First class is ridiculous but business class isn’t as expensive and boy is it comfy! I know from others that Minwalla will work with you on the price when you get there. Kandice paid half. My H paid about half what they quoted…
Your H’s reaction to talking to his son is the same as mine with his mother in a way. I blew a gasket too. You did the right thing. I know they are ashamed but tough shit. I know they feel shock when someone knows, again, tough shit. I lived thru the shock of my life. I lived. I am sorry it was shitty Catherine but you did very well.
You will be so glad that you went to Minwalla after you go. Try not to stress about it. Look into upgrading.
Bev I just looked up the cost of business class fares and they are 3 times the price and I have used most of my frequent flyer points travelling to Melbourne when Philippe was sick and to New Zealand. I think I will have to suffer the 15 hours. I’ll book a window seat. Being sandwiched between 2 people is my worst nightmare.
Teri I’m so proud of Bat. He is so clever. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as maths/science jokes. No point telling them to me I wouldn’t get them. I’m not scared of meeting new people it is a whole weird personal space thing. It has developed over the last 4 or so years. I used to be fine. I went all the way to Paris and back on my own in ’06, and Hong Kong in ’07 and thought nothing of it.
Bev I hope your ankle gets better soon.
Daisy I would have so enjoyed that hug!Cat – your personal space issue developed in the past 4 years or so? Hello! Is it just a coincidence that is about the time you learned about your H’s penis activities? I think not.
Could be Christine. There are so many things that I am paranoid about. Even opening mail and answering the phone. I don’t even know why. It’s just the way I am now. Cuckoo
Dear allcat62
so glad you are going to a partner intensive. finally, something for YOU!! you are being very courageous. courage is following through, in spite yof our fears and anxiety. you have real courage allcat62. it will be rewarded.
welcome to HELL LAY!! i’m here…
I just had a similar day yesterday with my h.
The irony would be funny, if I wasn’t so damn tired of white knuckles.
We learn in this process how to be strong, how to endure anything, without so much as a pat on the head, and they want to whine on and on about their little boo boos.
He needed a reality check, and you gave it to him, skillfully and not unkindly. You did a great job.
Don’t worry about following your own path. I figure if nothing else at the end of it all I can lay my head on the pillow and look my kids in the face and say I tried everything I could to make it work, and it wasn’t enough.
My primary goal in life is to rise above, to not be an asshole. Even if we don’t make it, I hope I will have lived up to my expectations of myself. It will mean I’m a better person than he is.
Are you taking a late flight? You could use melatonin and sleep.
Or do something gross, so the person next to you doesn’t want to talk to you. 🙂
Safe travels….
And again, great job.
Cat stop thinking about it. Relax and just let it happen. You will come out of this with a great understanding.
When I went, I was extremely claustrophobic. I had the window seat and two hoods sat next to me. I was climbing out of my skin!!! I took a deep breath, hollered ahead for red wine, drank out of the bottle cause it was bumpy, and decided to talk to them (I rarely talk to people on a plane). They were famous skateboarders! We talked non stop for 4 hours and hugged good bye at the baggage claim. Now we are fb friends!! Most embarrassing part – when he showed me pics of him and Lil’ Wayne and I didn’t know who lil’ Wayne was – my kids freaked!
I alway think of the books Gail sent me – forgot who, but it says your life is like a bucket full of clean water. Someone dumped dirty water in your bucket. Every new experience dumps a cup of clean water in your bucket. Eventually you dilute the dirt that was dumped in.
Just go with it cat, surrender and experience it.I’m sorry it was a tough day, Cat. It sounds
like you handled it well.You’re a lovely woman, and you deserve some peace and happiness!
Good for you Cat..doing something for yourself…you so deserve it. You’ll be fine on the plane. That’s what the eye mask, pillows and alcohol is for. Don’t need to talk if you don’t want to. Think of it this way… they probably don’t want to be stuck next to a complete and utter stranger either. But it will be fine. Either they will take your mind off your own troubles and share with you their life story or totally ignore you too w/ their own eye mask, pillow and alcohol! 🙂
BTW, Cat, from everything I have read, introverts and people who have been traumatized USUALLY experience some symptoms such as you described, i.e. the fear of checking email and mail; feeling so intensely that communicating with people we love, such as grown children, can feel overwhelming when at the same time we miss them and worry about them all the time. I personally have trouble going out at all! These feelings are based in dramatically being ripped of our right to decide when how and to whom we will give ourselves and our truths. It’s a whole lot like being sexually assaulted. The trauma is very similar. This WILL get better, and the fact that you have started to exercise is a HUGE indicator that you are recovering. Most traumatized women have trouble being in their bodies enough to exercise and to allow their bodies to open up the way exercise requires. You are a CHAMPION!
I know you probably have read about creating a “mircaba” around yourself, whenever you feel threatened by people and their energies in your space. This is a way of consciously imagining a strong and beautiful white light around you, above, side and below you, in which you are utterly protected and connected to the universe. You can choose to gently allow anyone in, or you can choose to stay safe inside. This imaginary thinking is stronger than you may think-in some circles it’s called “intentionality.”
I don’t want to get too “new agey” on you, I just know this technique can be very helpful.
I am excited to hear all about your experiences at the intensive; maybe we can all learn some good stuff to help us move through this maze.Don’t worry about the irksome issues that are in your way regarding the simple functional activities of life. These will all improve as you recover.
Patsy you are correct. I kept my gym membership going for 4 years and haven’t been going. It costs me $25 a week. I just couldn’t go there. Maybe I have turned a corner.
I haven’t read about Mircaba Patsy. I will practice that technique.
Thank you all xoxCatherine you did a great job of getting his ass in to work. You were strong and honest and let him know that it is not all about him. That others have been shocked here too! He saw your strength and that is important too.
I am not a good flyer either and flying out to see Minwalla I was wedged between 2 strange men. My h was in the back some where probably comfy in an isle or window seat. I Had my iPad charged and played games, did puzzles and read my book the entire way. I survived it. I even closed my eyes a couple of times. On the way home I had a window seat which I preferred. Try to upgrade like Bev suggested. This trip is for you – so what if it starts when you get into your business class seat. Again – you did great dealing with your h today.
Cat – I had a terrible fear of flying for a while even though I have flown all over for years – funnily enough the decision to leave H liberated that fear from me – I was white knuckling for so long and had some delusion that by holding on tight while the plane was going down then I would survive the crash – of course I realized that this is what I had been doing in my marriage (so-called for now) and suddenly the fear went away. If being close to anyone is hard right now for sure try for the aisle seat – being stuck by the window would drive me wacky just because I would feel hemmed in – and I hate it when people sitting next to me open their legs and encroach on my space! You can try all of the wonderful self-soothing techniques suggested and failing that take Ativan or your Lunesta to sleep – think about how much you will benefit from your $12000 investment and if at all possible – although I know how hard it is to do from New Zealand and Australia to upgrade with miles (my best friend is from Perth and she has never managed to do it) you can always try – you did a great thing today – he NEEDS to feel the pain he has caused – you have had to endure it enough! love Meg
Catherine,
I jump every time the phone or door bell rings, and I am tense every time I check my email. I dread going shopping and often I get nervous about restaurants.
But, I do MUCH better when I get far away from home- away from the scene of the crime, so to speak.
For me, it’s the PTSD and hypervigilance.
And your being able to go to the gym is a really big step. I still can’t do that- too many triggers.
For me, I would imagine sitting down next to my seatmate on the airplane, introducing myself, and say something like, “I’m on my way to see a psychologist to help me get over finding out that my husband….” and then hit them up with the worst details and watch their face. Not that I would do that, but I try to imagine what I am afraid of and then being able to handle it in some shockingly bold way. Helps take the edge off the fear for me.
Your honesty is definitely a strength, Catherine. You handled your SA and his whining so well. I can almost see him gulping and getting on with it, all sheepish because his “pitiful me” show was such a bust. Really, his shock was bad compared to yours, I think not.
I did tell mine, that he has known this was coming for years. He’s been hiding and lying and always knew the potential for his outing was just a slip away. While me, the full force of it hit me at once, and I had never even imagined the stuff I saw, much less thought someone I was intimate with was capable of it. Geez. They are so delusional and self centered and clueless. I am so glad you set your SA straight.
The sisters have great pointers about the flight. I hope it helps you move on, though you seem like you are very strong and getting stronger each day.
Catherine,
Great job and I am glad you could be honest. I am also glad to see him squirm about his secret coming out to your son. This is not ok because nobody else knows about it. I am glad he is horrified at the truth. Sucks for him when the shoe’s on the other foot. You have had to deal with so much trauma and reality and now it’s his turn. I can’t wait to hear about your trip and what you gained from it.
Dear Cat,
I think you were marvellous. It is not your job to shield your husband from the consequences of his behaviour with his children or with anyone else.
I would go to your GP and ask him/her for a few xanax for the flight. It is a great drug for anxiety and what you are describing. It will probably help you relax and sleep a bit as well. You can just tell them you are afraid of flying as so many other people are. It is not to be taken lightly but it is very effective as a short term solution to a short term problem. It will not make you loopy and will remove the butterflies in your stomach completely.
I can’t wait for you to get to that intensive. I think it will do
you the world of good now that you want to look at things without a rose tint. 😉 Karen xxI am so in awe of how you handled your SAh talking about “shock”. They are so self centred I can’t stand it. If they have a feeling, well everyone is supposed give them attention and understanding. Meanwhile our feelings aren’t even on the radar. Narcissistc Bastards,EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
But you, Cat, are fabulous!
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