As Time Goes On..

Warning – long post

I so totally lost my anger when I let go of caring about his idiotic family – only his brother has said something vaguely close to “I’m sorry for your pain and then told my son in the same evening if this happened in Europe it would be no big deal” – they don’t exist for me and H gets that whatever happens between us they are irrelevant to me – I am so over them that if I ever have to see them again at something that the kids invite them too, which is highly unlikely because they can’t stand them either, I will be able to treat them without anger because they really are non-existent. My skin is what counts not theirs and I actually now see that getting angry at them just kills me … I liberated myself when I sent my SIL an email in the summer I am including it here so that you can see what an idiot she is – it truly was a gift and allowed me to let go of trying to reason with an unreasonable person. I will include my email to her so that you can see as direct as I was I asn’t in any way so personally insulting. By the way the stuff about her daughter is all lies I spoke to her in the middle of the fucking night to make sure that she had her daughter admitted to the hospital – so go figure!

Dear C and K:

I had hoped to speak to you both in person some time in the next week or so but I know that you are continuing to travel with your family and am not sure when would likely be a good time to connect. I am happy to talk by phone if you let me know when that could work for you. In the meantime you are of course aware this past week (on top of the past 2 years) has been enormously difficult for our family. I feel that it is important for me to address the letter and subsequent email correspondence that you (C), had with S regarding his Dad’s sexual acting out. S. showed me the letter when you initially wrote it to him, as well as his email to you, and your subsequent email in response. He was very upset by your suggestion that he needed to support his father as well as how strongly you defended H’s lifelong relationship with you. From his perspective he believed that your letter – rather than inquire after S.s well-being and possible need for support, demonstrated primarily your concern for H. In addition, it didn’t take into account how a young man, who was getting ready to graduate from college and should be celebrating this milestone, was dealing with the sordid indiscretions of his father. S. stood by H. in a way that that was unquestionable, indeed I question whether that should ever have been asked of him. He is a man with immense integrity, compassion, and vulnerability. He has been paralyzed by shame in the past two years in a way that none of us can fathom to know for him. S. needed to hear that he was loved and supported and could reach out to those who say they love him. He has struggled to share his pain for fear of hurting his father’s reputation, and ultimately his own, therefore it has been even more important for him to be understood by his extended family.

t agree with him and supported the feelings he shared about receiving your letter C, and respected his desire to handle his response without my feedback or contribution. I was also upset on his account given how devastated both S. and B. were over what was happening in our family and the lack of comfort and genuine affection for his welfare that your letter contained. S. is extremely disappointed that you have not acknowledged that your letter was insensitive and rather self serving, even if not intended that way by you. It hurt him while he was already hurting and I need to tell you this and let you know that I will not let this happen again without encouraging him to speak up – and if he is not respected, by speaking up with him.

I know that this time has been difficult for your family, just as it has ours, as well as my sister’s. S. never expected you not to support your brother however it should never be done at either of our sons expense.

K. – I know that you have consistently reached out to S. in ways that he appreciates and that H. shared with you that your comment in DC “this was not be such a big deal if it happened in Europe” also left him feeling that none of you understand the depth of their hurt. I would like you both to hear from me that you are not invited to make those kinds of comments – they are invasive and violating – both boys only need to know that you care about how they are doing – that’s it! Your care for their father is between you and you brother. I ask that you please respect that as we all move forward – Meg

Her response:

Meg your email came as a surprise to me but certainly not it’s content.
The content came as a confirmation of my deepest conviction: that you have never liked me and have always mistrusted me.
It pains me deeply, that after all these years, I have yet to prove myself as an aunt and sister in law.
I am sorry for you that you feel this way. I think I have shown you and S. and B. a lot more love and affection than you would care to recognize and certainly a lot of support throughout the years. The fact that you have not learnt to trust me and believe in my sincerity has led you to pass on this mistrust to S. in a self-serving way. It is such a shame and loss for him to think that his own aunt has no compassion for him and does not feel with him.
I was very upset to learn that S, with your help, had misinterpreted my letter. The first part of it was all about him, his disappointment and his pain. The second page was, I admit, about H. I have tried to reestablish contact with him to no avail and I blame you for choosing to reinforce these negative feelings he has towards me. I expected you would do your utmost to set him straight but you didn’t. I love S. dearly and, contrary to what you suspect, I have always respected him and shown him a great deal of love and affection. I will not allow you to suggest otherwise. Your words are very insulting and hurtful.
Unfortunately, you do not understand how important it is to have an extended family that cares enough to write, call and cry with you in your most difficult times. I did not see or feel any compassion on your part or S’s part when we were going through a difficult time. S (her daughter) felt that S. ignored her and treated her with a lot of contempt, was insensitive and made her feel extremely uncomfortable. You never even picked up the phone to ask me about her first suicide attempt, what we were going through, YOU, a professional on top of it all! J. is also very hurt that S. has completely cut him off. How has J. hurt S. and why is he being penalized? Because they are an extension of me? Of H? I wonder?
Despite all that I continue to justify this behavior because I do not want my children to think they are not loved.
Your hurt as well as S’s hurt has blinded you both so much that you do not see the compassion, sincerity and genuine love that those around you have for you.
My love for my brother, his welfare and pain will always have priority. For I see before me a man, husband and father who has ,in the last 3 years, bent over backwards to make amends and heal himself. It pains me deeply to see how you are using your own children against H. and myself. It pains me for S. and B. that you have been so self serving. He has been an exceptional father and a caring husband. But you have yet to realize that! I hope for your sake that your family will heal but, Meg, you need to heal yourself before your children can heal.
C.

P.S. in the future please refrain from adding insult to injury Meg and learn to respect me as your husband’s sister and children’s aunt. If you cannot do that then I invite you to keep your thoughts to yourself!

What a moron is all I can say – I said a lot more at the time I received it and then I laughed at how incestuous the whole thing is and let them all go like pieces of ash – their stupidity and callousness really has helped me – love Meg

“My love for my brother, his welfare and pain will always have priority.” No kidding?? “A caring husband” ?? Is she insane and why on earth does she think men having sex with other men when they are married to a woman, would be more accepted in Europe than it is in the USA??? No wonder these guys make no sense. Look at what they come from.

So true.

Pam,

I think it’s perfectly normal to hate the SA’s family. I have asked all the same questions you are asking. Why, why, why am I the only one who has seen how this behavior is inappropriate.

I don’t think the SA’s family will ever see their child/sibling in a bad light because they have come to accept them as they are and they themselves have huge faults and don’t want those exposed. The family unit, whether healthy or totally insane, is a tight web. You’ll probably never get answers.

Probably best to realize that those answers will never come and simply detach yourself from them for good. So sorry you are feeling this way.

Much love, Claire

I know what you mean. I have felt anger and resentment about my H’s family to – mostly not about what they do, but what they don’t do. I see he was raised in a family that was not engaged and was only concerned about how things looked from the outside looking in.

I get fired up when I hear my H say – D. (his brother) said he loves me and would support me if I were an ax murderer. His other brother T. was offended when I said I have my family, my support system and he said well I thought we were family and we hoped to support both of you. He’s never called, emailed or asked how I am. Great Support System. So what this all boils down to is blood is thicker than water. Period. The End.

My H always felt I never was close to his family and he’s right. I don’t do well in superficial environments where I am required to act and talk in a way that conforms to thier belief system. I prefer to keep it real.

I am sorry that you are experiencing this with his family, but it seems to be wide spread in all of their families. I don’t even think this is limited to SA families.

Absolutely agree – took me getting it in writing to let go of it completely – as I said to her – “thanks for the gift” – she really is a c*** – even I can’t say that here:-) saved for very special verbal occasions – Meg