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It has taken me several days to get the courage to post this but here goes.
I’m wondering if anyone else was triggered like I was upon hearing about the kidnapper in Cleveland. It has upset me on several levels.
At the most basic level, I ache for these girls and their families. What a terrible ordeal. What an evil man.
On another level, I’ve wondered if this guy was producing porn. You have to assume that some of the underage and torture porn is produced in these kinds of situations. I hope to God none of my SAs money went to support this kind of hell.
Then, there is the double-life theme. That triggered me as well. This dangerous predator seemed like a regular guy and no one suspected a thing. Some of the neighbors have made statements about being shocked, and feeling betrayed by the devious actions of this guy. This is a quote from the neighbor who was touted as the rescuer in the news. He said verbatim, “Either the guy is that good or I’m that stupid.”
That comment stopped me in my tracks. Yes, my SA was good at lying and cheating. I had no fucking idea. I was not stupid. I wish people understood that our SAs are masters at concealing their secret lives. I wish that people knew we were simply loving, trusting wives just like most every other wife out there.
Those points being made, I hope no one is offended. I certainly don’t want to portray my pain as anything approaching what these young women and their families have endured. Also, I am certainly not suggesting that my SA or anyone else’s is participating in anything as awful as these kidnappings. I just couldn’t help but associate with the feeling of being duped by someone who appeared to be a descent guy.
Anybody relate?
Oh yes Kandice, we can relate. There were some other posts about it earlier today but I don’t remember which thread. Don’t worry, you aren’t alone!
No, you aren’t alone Kandice. I remember when I found the picture files all organized with each girl’s name on our computer…I called my therapist and said this is the kind of man I can’t trust to have a shed, storage unit, garage, basement…what kind of craziness?! This shit is unreal.
There was one report today (on Fox news, I think) where during questioning that guy said “I’m a sex addict. This whole thing could have been prevented if those girls didn’t get in my car”. He apparently got all three of them by asking them if they wanted a ride. Fucking crazy shit.
The double life is so wierd. My son (who is now 23 years old) told me about a conversation he had overheard on the phone. This was about 10-15 years ago. My son over heard his Dad talking to another woman and he called himelf by a different name. How sick is that?! My son didn’t want to tell me until recntly when I told him about his father cheating on me basically our whole marriage (last 28 years). My son said he never trusted his Dad after that and would check to see if he was where he said he’d be.
I’d like to get your feedback on this – my counselor is the one who pointed out to me that I most likely got cervical cancer because of my husband’s promiscuity. My first bout with cervical cancer was soon after our honeymoon and then again 10 years later. I have had herpes now for the last 10 years also. Shouldn’t there be some kind of repercussion for that? Alimony?Wow – Robin – how sad that your son at the age of about 10, learned to not trust his Dad. And he was probably trying to protect you, too, by not telling you what he overheard. My heart breaks for him and you.
And cervical cancer – it could have been from HPV but I don’t know if you could prove it. I tested positive for HPV a few years ago and my doc said either one of us could have brought it into the marriage – we had been married for 10 years at that point. If you could prove it, I would like to think there could be repercussions but it seems like it would be an uphill battle. However, you can get “waste & dissipation” for money spent on “extracurricular” activities. I’m not sure what you need as proof of that by I know my h. has admitted to spending over 20k in the year preceding D-Day. 20 fucking thousand dollars on whores!!! I learned of that months ago but just recently, I started really absorbing that fact. It’s fucking baffling!
I also had the same reaction because I actually thought…that could have been any of our husbands and none of us would have known…..
We would have been the one that the media was incredulous that we didn’t know. ..
I think there is a lesson in all of this ladies…a serious lesson? There is something VERY wrong with a person who has a secret life AND people who have secret lives are very sSKILLED at keeping them secret? We tend to minimize the fact that our husbands have a completely false identity that they show to the world. I really don’t think we should….this is serious business.
Thanks everyone for helping me realize I’m not alone. March, I want back and read the thread you had started a while back. What you wrote said it all. I hope you don’t mind but I am reposting it here. My SA also thinks he is really “not that bad compared to some of the messed-up guys out there.” In fact, he thinks he might not really be an SA – just “very selfish”… Yeah right!??? Nearly 20 affairs that he admits to. What a jerk.
OK, so here is March’s superb post:
march said 1 day, 23 hours ago:
Greg picked Lola up from lacrosse practice last night and took her to Chipotle to eat. When he brought her home, he went on and on about the case of the three girls who were abducted and held for ten years. On and on about how horrible those men are and how the families must have suffered and what should be done as punishment. I wanted to take scissors and stab him in the jugular while I screamed, YOU STOLE MORE THAN TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE!!!! YOU KEPT INFORMATION FROM ME THAT PREVENTED ME FROM MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT MY OWN FUTURE, ABOUT MY CHILDREN, ABOUT MY CAREER!!!!YOU SIGNED ME UP TO LIVE YOUR LIE, ROBBING ME OF A TRUE EXISTENCE. YOU SUBJECTED ME TO DISEASE AND HEARTACHE AND ABUSE! HOW DARE YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF BETTER THAN THOSE MEN!God help me, Iām so mad.
I have been having nightmares about this as well. I actually cant even read or watch anything about it on TV. I can barely read the thread…..
Good job Kandice. I only have the strength this morning read the first post and to say that I can relate. We/I should process this, but for me right now in little bits and pieces.
We get so little validation in society that I feel I must go pay to have Minwalla’s validation. Sad, huh? He will understand the triggers.
I am having a wave of the after math swamp me today. I can function but I am deeply affected by the fact that my situation is over but the woulds are still unhealed/unrecognized.
Your post was perfect. Thank you dear lady.
Karen – you are so right about our h’s ability to lead these secret lives being serious business. When I reflect on how much time & effort goes into maintaining this double life, it astounds me and it scares the hell out of me. I also think for those who’s h’s aren’t in recovery – or doing a fake one, that I think my h. is doing – where does it lead? When does it end? An alcholic, who doesn’t get sober, will eventually die from liver failure or drunk driving or something; a drug addict, who isn’t clean, will od or destroy their bodies with all those chemicals…how does it end with an SA who doesn’t get help? If they have to continue to engage in risky or dangerous sexual behavior to get their fix…where does that lead? When does the cycle end? I just hope and pray that my h. – for his sake – gets the kind of help he needs to recover but if he doesn’t, I hope & pray, he doesn’t destroy more lives in the process.
Dear FC, I don’t think it does end for most of them. I think it can end for their partners, if they can get away or completely separate their life in some way. I would say most of these dudes, once the game is up with their partner and they know she isn’t taking anymore BS, they will move onto other women and continue the cycle. Thats my best guess. They are TOO f–ked up, to just suddenly be normal after a few therapy sessions and this “problem” is just too damn difficult to track ,the way you can an alcoholic. It is so difficult to hold them accountable that it is pretty hard to force any kind of a bottom. Thats if you believe it is an addiction. I don’t. I believe they are simply
NUTS. I’m not convinced you can fix crazy…
Karen xxI absolutely agree with Karen. I think they are just nuts/crazy.
I do not believe you can fix crazy.
Nap, I do believe they can shift the focus and not “act out” or whatever….I still think they are crazy.
i agree bev, DW is as nutters as they come. and i don’t think he doing anything… other than being an ass/super nice guy/ass/super nice guy/ass…
Liza you kill me!
I must admit the predominant theme here is that there is little hope for these guys – this goes against what I have generally believed all my life – that we have the power to change ourselves and our circumstances – we are all proof of that – I agree of course that some people are too sick or don’t want to but I gotta leave some room for hope – even 5% – when I have my oldest son through IVF the rate of pregnancy from frozen embryo was only 1% 25 years ago – and he is the most amazing 1% miracle – so if only 1% for the right family it is enough. That guy in Cleveland was a sociopath first not an SA with sociopathic overtones (he is just looking for some fucking label to fit – he is a liar, a thief of lives, a murderer, inhumane, an ugly looking bastard to boot who crept around with darkened windows and took children on rides to Wendy’s on the school bus he was supposed to be driving. This story says a lot about how we treat children from minority families or who are from poor neighborhoods. That’s is why I hate how much SA’s (as you know not my preferable word) prey on whores and prostitutes, whom I firmly believe would not be doing what they are doing if they had not been dragged though some terrible story of their own earlier. Not all of them maybe, but I see many men and women who have sold their bodies for sex out of a way to take back power that was stolen from them as a child and eventually realize that all they have done is continue to traumatize themselves and others.This guy in Cleveland is just an asshole who deserves the death penalty – and me who ten years ago was left of left on capital punishment – now if left in a room with him with a gun and the potenial for him to escape I would have no hesitation taking him down – see everyone can change, even me, from open-minded humanitarian believer in redemption to some people just deserve to be knocked off – I think my post my be a bit contradictory but I am putting it down to mother’s day. I am not looking for a nice ass or a super guy and I am making sure I have a nice ass and going to bed with it by myself:-)
I am born and bred southern. We own guns, vote republican, and champion the death penalty. If you disagree with any of those ‘truths’ then you keep your mouth shut.
I bucked the system. I was always against the death penalty and I hated every politician I ever voted for ( I do own guns š )
I do believe people can change and grow. I also now believe that some people just need to knocked off. I love it Meg. You crack me up. Take your nice ass to bed and enjoy š
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