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My husband’s thing, that I know about since no formal disclosure or polygraph was pornography and affairs. I’m not aware of on line meet ups or hookers. Do men who have pornography addiction and have NO qualms about affair after affair do the other things, too? I asked him a couple of weeks after d-day when I started reading about sex addiction and he said no, and as naive as this sounds I believed him, didn’t revisit this in my head until today, and for some reason when I was reading another thread, it popped into my head. This sounds even more naive as I’m writing it. oh my god, I’m going to make myself post it. And this is even worse, but for anyone who thinks I have any wisdom or clarity, I have not been able to force myself to go in and get tested, tried to justify it by saying these were “regular” women, not a high risk population, and I do know better, but….I haven’t done it. The thought of prostitutes and on line strangers makes me want to wait outside the doctors office until the door opens in the morning:(
Oh shit Courtney…I don’t know. When I was doing my own detective work and found stuff, I hired the PI to do the following and evidence gathering. I found the hookers. I searched everywhere for a “normal affair”….I could not find one anywhere. It was all porn, phone sex, and hookers. The only ‘normal’ women I found were BJ’s in the car outside a bar in a parking lot type……No follow up, no ‘dates’, no e-mails, no lunches, gifts, texts…nothing.
I look at it this way. There is ALWAYS something else. I don’t kid myself. I know enough but there is NO way I know everything. So, if you need to know then poly may be your friend. Regardless, go get tested. You do not know the women he was with for sure. It’s got to be done. It just does.
I’m sorry.
For my h the prostitution was the next step after pornography. Just a click away. An outlet to live out his pornographic fantasies. And over time the fantasies escalated. I think my h stuck to prostitutes so he could move on quickly without attachments although he did have a few girlfriend types toward the end. I have an appointment to get tested.
Courtney, that’s exactly what I know about too – porn and affairs (three that I know of). Supposedly the last of the three (that I know of – I feel like I have to keep qualifying that) was a stripper. But because I said “Is she a stripper?” on DDay, rather than asking what she was, I’m afraid maybe she’s actually a hooker or an escort. The possibility that he would be with hookers or escorts never even occurred to me until after I joined SOS and read all the stories here. So if you’re naïve, I am too. I’ve got disclosure coming up in three weeks so hopefully I will find out one way or the other. Get yourself tested sweetie. Better safe than sorry. Even “regular women” can get STDs if they have multiple partners. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about all the people I’ve involuntarily had sex with through my husband. It’s vile.
“when I think about all the people I’ve involuntarily had sex with through my husband. It’s vile.”
Amen. I’ve been hanging on to that denial about that, I guess.
I made three appointments last fall and talked myself out of all of them and then managed not to allow myself to think it applied to me until today. But you guys are right, it does and I will. But I’m going angry.
Daisy, are you afraid about what you will find out during disclosure?Not too much. I’m a “worst case scenario” kind of person. I always try to imagine the very worst thing that could happen so I am somewhat prepared mentally. I thought about a lot of possibilities based on what the other Sisters have heard. I know I won’t ever know everything and I’m okay with that, but I really want to have some idea when this started and whether he used “professionals.” I also asked that he discuss the financial details of how much money he has spent and that he acknowledge the financial impact to our family. His therapist told him he has to answer all of the questions I gave them last fall. Mostly I just want to get it over with. I’ve been in a holding pattern for the last 9 months.
Hey, I had to ask my attorney if dr. evil asking how much per hour in an email meant the woman was a prostitute. I was just so in shock, I couldn’t even process that that is what he was doing.
Go to the doctor- make an appointment tomorrow.
Dear Courtney,
You have to get tested sweetheart. It has little to do with hookers really? It has to do with people who have sex with other people who are very sexually active and not too discriminate in their choices? If you look at most of us and our own behaviour (married for ever and monogamous?), we are not much of a risk. People like our husbands and the people they go with…they get around. The diseases are more prevalent and better at surviving. Get tested, Honey…and then don’t let him near you again unless the earth moves? GAWD…I HATE these guys. And yes…I am venturing a guess that Daisy is afraid of what she will hear in disclosure. I mean, what normal woman wouldn’t be? Hugs, Karen
Porn is just the start. So many of these creeps move on to the real thing, from Craigslist casual encounters, etc. Another thing – the massage parlours. For guys who are heavy into the porn often this is a next step. This was pornpigs favourite (my h) The women who work in these are also prostitutes. They masturbate the men, do oral and a lot of them do full intercourse too. Imagine the skeezy guys they service during their shifts. If your h gets serviced by them, you are having sex with every skeezeball those prostitutes serviced too if you have sex with your h. There are dozens of stds that can be spread even when a condom is used (and a lot of times in these disease ridden places they are not) Please get tested – right away!
Courtney – first of all…you need to go get tested. It is incredibly humiliating experience but it has to be done. My friend told me – you need to be there for your children and you won’t be if he’s given you some horrible disease. Please, please, make & stick with an appointment! I expect you to report back that you did! 😉 Donna – great job in making your appointment! I know that is a difficult step but I think it’s so important b/c it shows we’re taking back ownership of our bodies and how they are going to be treated.
Second of all – I’m with Junie in thinking that porn and “regular” affairs are the first steps and the next step can be the “rub & tug” massage parlors and then “real” prostitutes. At least that is how my h. describes how he started. To be fair, I don’t think he has a porn addiction (yay for me!) and as far as I know, he never had a “regular” affair so maybe his track isn’t applicable to all guys. He did tell me recently (somewhat proudly b/c he thought that made it better?) that he “only ever paid for sex”. I’m actually not sure that is true but the point is that paying for a prostitute is the easiest “bang for your buck” (pun intended) so if they are looking for a quick/easy lay, that is they way they are going to get it.
Daisy – my h. insisted for months that his most recent fuck buddy was a stripper, even when I point blanked asked him if she was a prostitute. I found IM chats where he tells someone that he met her on back page so yeah, she wasn’t a stripper, she was a prostitute.
But at the end of the day, does it really even matter whether they paid for the actual transaction or they paid for it in the way of gifts & special treats? It’s all vile and degrading and disrespectful and can lead to disease.
Christine
To quote Dr. Phil (I know many don’t like him):
“When you see 1 rat there’s 50.”
So yes it’ likely more than we care to know.
You’re right Christine, it doesn’t really matter. I just have this need to know as many facts as possible so I can try to put it all into the context of the life I thought we were leading. That’s what I’m really interested in. Plus, I think it’s important that my H have to face me and own what he has done.
Oh I totally agree, Daisy. My comment wasn’t that you shouldn’t get full disclosure – I’m wishing I had that – but more that, even if you find out she is a prostitute or that he has been with other prostitutes, it’s still a betrayal.
I get what you’re saying Christine. His second affair (what I pre-DDay thought was his ONLY affair) was an emotional one. The third one he says, and I believe, was not. For me, the emotional one hurt much, much more than anything else he did. That’s the one where I read the letter he wrote her about how pretty she was and how he enjoyed her company, how they laughed and talked, etc. and saw the photos of their vacation together when he was on a business trip to PA. Personally, I would have preferred that he just bang hookers if he had to be unfaithful.
If the day comes when I really want to inspire a shit storm of SA hatred, I’ll copy and paste some excerpts from his letter to her.
Daisy, I too thought that knowing it all would help, but I’m no longer sure. It has something to do with reading posts here and hearing what others had to say to my questions, the rest has to do with the fact that after 1.5 years he is still “considering” it and has a hundred excuses as to why he is not doing a disclosure. He is obviously still lying and doesn’t want to disclose with a polygraph. Can any of us ever put it all into the context of the life we thought we had?
That’s a good question Zola. I’ll let you know after the disclosure. 🙂 I know my H is scared shitless about having to do the disclosure but he is going to do it. His comment to me was “I already hurt you so badly and now this is going to hurt you all over again.” True. But not knowing hurts too. I just know myself enough to know that I HAVE TO KNOW as much as possible. Has this gone on our entire relationship? A decade? Less? I’m trying being true to my authentic self. I need to know. I know the disclosure process isn’t right for everyone but it is right for me.
Daisy – I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to know too -I’m still in hypervigilance mode even though we’re a month into separating and I’m about 90% sure I want a divorce. My mind just fills in the blanks if I don’t know “everything”. However, I don’t think my h will do full disclosure – the few times I brought it up, he acted like I had 3 heads. And, I worry that I wouldn’t believe that was “all” anyway and then I’d be stuck with all this information and still left wondering. So, I think, for now, for me, I need to work on letting go of the hypervigilance. It helps that he’s out of the house but I can’t seem to break my grip from wanting to know what he’s up to. Interestingly, it used to be I was hypervigilant b/c I felt the need to “catch” him. Now, I just want to know what he’s doing so I have some insight into what he’s thinking/doing. I think it boils down to realizing that I never really knew the man I was in love with for 15 years and I have this gaping hole that he used to fill.
lovely courtney- will you please please get tested? will you make the appointment today? pretend you are calling for me. when you are there, pretend i’m you. i’ll take all the embarrassment and shame. i can hold it for you. i’ll be the one who admits that one of these women might have had an STD. you don’t have to. please please pretty please? xoxo
When I found out I made him go get tested and bring me the report. I still had to go through the humiliation, though, when I had to go to the gyno for a routine “issue” and he asked if I or my husband had any other sexual partners. It does no one any good to lie about it there. Go get tested if he won’t, even if he won’t. The moment of embarassment will be worth the peace of mind. And yes, mine went from porn as a child, to losing his virginity to a prostitute to online hook-ups, to affairs. The marriage councellor thinks she was being comforting in assuring me that this is “common”.
Thanks everyone, I made an appointment for Tuesday and I am going to report back after I do it, if I don’t make myself accountable, I’ll cancel it again.
Coutney, I had my H go to a lab and they ran a full panel…I have the report ( clean). I also went to a lab and paid cash to keep it off my insurance and med file in case I was forced to get my own insurance later I did not want to be “high risk”. Any way…just do it. After the full panel screen then you must keep up with pap smear and they will tell you about how often to go back for HIV testing.
I do know that my H has regular HIV screen because he carries tons of life insurance so it is required. That is one saving grace. He does not have HIV…
Just days after hearing my husband having a great time screwing a prostitute, I made what was and still is the most difficult phone call of my life.
I was so secure in my marriage that I actually asked my husband to get a vasectomy so that we could have carefree sex for the rest of our lives because STD would never be an issue for us.
Good god, that phone call was so very difficult, I was crying so so much and could barley speak and the woman who answered the phone was so kind and gentle and supportive with me.
I think about the idea of inadvertently having sex with who knows how many people. I had just finished up a biology class for a nursing program where I studied STD’s, and how we carry small bits of sex partners with us as markers on our DNA, so our immune system recognizes these foreign invaders and know exactly how to defend and kill them and I was stuck thinking about how many markers are now permanently in my husbands DNA, carrying around a little bit of each whore with him.
I also have my husband get tested every January.
And yesterday I read in my Readers Digest that Antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea is a serious public health issue. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/07/sex-superbug-antibiotic-resistant-gonorrhea_n_3229890.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopularI also believe in full disclosure. I believe we must have full disclosure to begin to move forward ( a healing process), to take away their secrets that can fuel more cheating.
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