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I discovered that my stbx had double lives in dec/2010 I kicked him out of the house and for the next two and half years he was begging me to get back together, he played the games of I have changed, I love you, I love my kids, I want you back I will never do this again,,,blah blah blah
then in january of this year while we were going through marriage counseling he started some profiles on different dating websites and most recently he found some hot trash in colombia who he is now madly in love with and about to propose to her ( he just went and met her in colombia in april) he had taken that week off and told me that he is going for a work related meeting,,,and there he was fucking that woman who is 20 years younger he came back from that trip and had totally different attitude.
so now he is talking with me in totally different tone and decided to take different route, he cut me off completely in the last one month, he stopped going to marriage counseling and told me that we should proceede with the divorce ( I had filed for the divorce in august of last year but he begged me to give him another chance)
yesterday on mother day he was suppose to bring the kids early at 12 so I can spend sometimes with them, we had an argument over the phone over the custody issues, any way it lead to more discussions over text messages where i had told him that he lacks any moral values as he is an adulterer, a compulsive liar, angry man who watchs sickening porn all the times, that I dont trust my kids to be with him and that he needs to manage his anger and lying, and sex issues
and that if he is to stay in my kids lives he has to do some serious counseling and i will have to teach him the moral values that his mother god bless her soul had failed to teach him.he sent me the following email this morning
((I’m sending you this e. mail to make it clear for you once and for all that ,
> I will not tolerate your disrespectful behavior and insults any more and I will take legal action against you if you continue to Harass me and insult me and accuse me of all baseless garbage that you keep sending me in your text messages yesterday and many times previously as well as in your e. mails . Your remarks yesterday ( coloring my hair to pick up checks and flashing my Maserati at this and that ) and insulting my dead mother in a sarcastic way ( she failed to teach me this and that ) is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself saying that to the father of your 3 children .
> I maintained tremendous restraint with your sickening behavior before and particularly yesterday because you are the mother of my children and also because yesterday was Mother’s Day .
> I hope I made myself clear to you .
> all what I want is a mutual respect between us for the sake of our children.))I am not going to answer him matter of fact I will have no further contact with him unless through the lawyers , but his insanity, his lack of any consiousness or remorse is just beyong anything I can fathom, and of course the manipulation he is capable of is just so sickening and unbelievable
my, my isn’t the BATARD SA self righteous because he was called out on the TRUTH. You are just supposed to take all this in stride??????
He left out the part where he lied, deceived and manipulated you.
Where do they get off?? (to steal a line) Oh yeah, in the parking lot!
His behavior makes my blood boil. So arrogant after all the hurt he caused. Developmentally is he 2?
Glad you have us to vent to. I hope you find legal ways to hold him accountable for trashing your life. BASTARD.
Oh, Harmony, what an asshole! I’m so sorry for your pain, and for your the fact that it’s necessary for your children to spend any amount of time with him. He just doesn’t see himself and his behavior for what they are, does he? Well, when this woman doesn’t work out for him either, he won’t have you to come crying to. I think your plan sounds excellent, sounds like he feeds off of anything your write to him and responds with self-righteous bullshit. Maybe he’ll get so wrapped up in his sick new life that he’ll leave the parenting to you. that would be a blessing, I’m praying for it.
How badly does he want to be with her? Enough to give you full custody in exchange for a quick divorce? Can you stall the divorce in order to try to get him to agree to give you custody? How can you use this to your advantage. And Harmony, don’t be surprised. Of course, he has found another mark? Of course, he has. Sociopaths always move on to another victim. I’m sorry sweetheart BUT if he is focused on her, hopefully he will not be focused on you and your kids.
Like we’ve always heard,”the best defense is an offense”. This is all pure bullshit. I have a letter just like it and I’m actually glad he put it in writing. It proves to me that he can lie, deceive and has no grasp on reality. Sorry you had to take that abuse. I’m glad that he is out and hopefully moving on.
this is the response that I had wrote to send him, but I have not sent it
(I have always through our marriage treated you with utmost respect, I was totally devoted to you and to our children, I made so many scarifies on the expense of my health to assure that we have a roof over our head while you had to pay alimony ,child support and buy expensive cars that you flashed all over the town to pick up women and took these women out of town to expensive hotels and bought them expensive gifts from Neiman Marcus.
I had protected you protected your reputation ,,,on the other hand you had endangered me and the kids by recklessly having anal sex with women like NA for years while that woman was married to a very suspicious and dangerous man DA, his stories, his conning behaviors is well known in town, he has been prosecuted by different entities for stealing and conning people out of their money, his physical assault of his wife NA couple of years ago who you were at the time having active sexual relationship with going all over town to different hotels to practice your favorite sexual acts with,,,
you had exhibited a very dangerous and angry behavior for many years, you had compulsively lied, lied to me about so many things, most recent one was your lies about going to a work related meeting in April, when there was no meeting, you disappeared for 10 days and never called the kids even once, and then you came back and told me how great of a meeting
you had, and when I asked you why you did not call the kids you had no answer except that you needed time to think ,,,,,, really,,,did you think I believed any of these lies,,while I on the other hand respected the marriage bond I had never ever endangered your health or reputation I Took and still taking excellent care of our kids , raising them with love , care and teaching them the moral values of honesty, respect , responsibility , sincerity , honesty and loyalty, values that you don’t have any of them.
and just because you are the father of my children I have not taken any further actions against your immorality, adultery, violent behavior against me on different occasions including back in May of last year pulling my hair in the middle of the street,,,,,
so yes I stand behind everything I said to you, that you are a liar, dishonest, angry man with serious sexual issues having preference to anal sex and watching very extremely violent porn on the internet and very perverted porn with people peeing all over each other, putting weird objects in each other anus areas,,,
Yes I do think that you suffer from serious issues and I do have hard time trusting my kids to be with you alone.So for the million times and for the sake of those kids, I do urge you to seek counseling, and go into treatment center for your perverted sexual behaviors, having sex with multiple women at the same time, and watching very sickening porn.)
Dear Harmony,
I want to cry when i read about the pain these SA’s inflict. I keep asking myself why they have to do this. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that they are so selfish and self absorbed. My h has done all of the same perverted bullshit and I have it all in writing. I’ll say it again, dumb ass! I am sad that we have to know this side of life, I mourn for the wholesome life I thought I was signing up for. I’m glad you can get all of this out, we’re listening.Oh Harmony, I wish I hadn’t read this thread as I was about to log-off to go to bed. Now I am just livid! What a fucking self-righteous asshole!
I agree with Liza, DO NOT send that letter – it’s good that you got it down on paper to help with your recovery but he will never “get it” and you need to stop letting him get to you. You really need to go no/minimal contact and not engage with him. – it just gives him attention and that is what he wants.
I agree – too – don’t send it – instead share it here – stand tall in your own morality – be clear on what you will and will not tolerate and get rid of the bastard – he is not worth anymore of your time and honor – the only thing that will dignify this situation is you keeping your own dignity intact. You know what he did – he isn’t going to own it – fuck him and the maserati he rode in on – if you are lucky he will ride out in it also – so sorry that you are going through this hopefully it will be the final stages xo love Meg
Harmony you have to let him go sweetheart…really let him go? What is the point in engaging in this back and forth with him any longer? It is this simple. If you had remained married to him when he asked you to, he would simply continue to do what he has always done throughout your marriage. If you are not married to him, then he will quickly find another mark and soon be doing the same thing to her. He was never going to get better, he was only going to lie better. I know you wish that he would pay for what he has done to you and I wish he would too. BUT, as is so often the case for the partners of these guys, we do not get to give them revenge at our hands? Either because they do not care, or we have kids with them, or we need money from them, or we need healthcare from them or because we don’t want to lose our house, or, or , or….It is very hard to deal with all that anger and resentment. It is very hard to know where to put all those feelings of outrage, while he appears to just go on with his life, without stress, without grief and without fear? In the end, we have to trust that the universe will make him pay his debt to us. If we do not let go and trust that he will “get his” eventually, we get sick from being so stressed and so angry and our own lives remain
joyless and stuck. You have given enough time and energy to that man (I use the word man very loosely). You have to accept that he is going to get to spend time with his children. I wish there was a way to get him completely out of all your lives but in the USA, that is not going to happen. Stop fighting with him, stop talking to him, stop trying to tell him over and over what a low life piece of shit he is. Take a lesson from his playbook and become calm, reasonable and detached. Instead of him fooling the world…YOU fool the world. Hide all your grief, pain and rage from him. Bring it to us or trusted friends or a good therapist. Really accept that your marriage is over and accept that you are now throwing precious time after him, time that you could be using to rebuild your own life? We ALL know what he is. We ALL know what he did to you and that it was so very wrong. We ALL know that you would love to run away and NEVER see him again…let alone share your children with him. But you can’t run away and you have to share your children with him. You said he didn’t even call when he was in Columbia. Maybe he will lose interest in the kids, if you stop giving him attention or when he is more involved with some other woman or his penis activities. IDK. He might, he might not. I only know you have the power to change the way you respond to him….even if it is very difficult…even when you know what no one else knows. If you continue on the way you are….he will steal your dignity as well as everything else. You don’t have to give him that Harmony. You gave him enough.Big Hugs, Karen xx
Thank you ladies for your responses, you are all right, that I should have no/minimal contact with him, and I have had very little contact with him,
and to some extent I am finally accepting that the father of my beloved little children is very sick and dangerous man, but that I still have to share my helpless children with him , I am accepting that there is no way around it, every time he comes to pick up the kids and I hand him my kids I feel I handed my children to a criminal , i feel I want to scream and get the neighbors to help me to get my kids away from him, I feel I want to run through the streets of town asking everyone to help me to protect them from this very perverted lying angry man, but I don’t as I know that everyone in town believe that he is a great father and great man that this town is so lucky to have him for the services he provides to many citizens in this town ( as one of my previous dear friends had put it in an email to him telling him that he is a great man and great father and he deserves better )
I know I am dealing with the most dangerous type of criminals the one who can always get away with their crimes and not only that but they get to be applauded for their good citizenship,
I know all that and believe me I am trying to move on in life, and do the best I could do within the circumstances for myself and my kids, and compare to two years ago I came a long way in how to handle my emotions and my reactions to him, but over this weekend when he deprived me from seeing my children on mother day I was in so much pain I curled in a ball and was crying nonstop for the whole day, I knew he got me again, he managed to get me this time even though for the longest I was not reacting to him or his acts , his aggravations and his immorality.
Anyway that is why I chose to write here and not respond to him, thank you all for being there for me for listening to me and for understanding.Harmony, plan a Second Mother’s Day celebration for this Sunday…a special day just for you and your kids. Mother’s Day falls on a different day every year – this year YOU choose to celebrate on whatever day YOU want. Personally I think you should make it an annual event: 1st Mother’s Day and 2nd Mother’s Day. You know the bastard is going to do his level best to fuck up all of the holidays going forward (unless, of course, he disappears into a Columbian ‘jungle’). Show him AND – most importantly your children – that he doesn’t possess the power to dillute your happiness any longer.
I’m so sorry, Harmony. It’s like 1 step forward, 2 steps back when dealing with these guys. You have come a long way and of course, you have a bad day b/c of his actions and then by engaging with him, you feel like you’ve taken 2 steps back. But, you get right back on that horse and continue to detach. I’m actually hopeful that this new “love” will keep him diverted for awhile and he’ll loosen his grip on you and the kids.
I scrolled back up and reread his email and I’m pissed again! He talks to you like you are a fucking child! Okay – that kind of talk makes it really hard to detach but maybe if you put a plan in place for the next time he says or writes something to you, you know what you are going to do to “vent” and not let him get to you. For example, 1) post on SOS; 2) go for a walk; 3) call Mom/sister/friend; 4) write in journal, etc. etc.
I was pissed at my h. on Friday and texted a friend and just with a few short exchanges, I let off a little steam and felt a little better. Still angry with him but not boiling over, you know?
Hugs,
ChristineHarmony,
You are smart to vent here. I had the same reaction as Karen, so he’s all in lust in Columbia, that could be a key strategy for you. Cut contact, he’ll desperately need the attention there, and my bet is a 20 years younger Columbian gold digger doesn’t want the children around so he’ll be pretty lax with visitation. I learned that visitation is more important than money in considering removing parental rights. You could remove ANY rights he has to the children if he goes without visiting them or is terribly sporadic in doing so. His self righteous ass may have done you a phenomenal favor. If he moves to Columbia, how many “oops, that didn’t work out” missed visitations will you need to can his ass? Not that many.
They are unbelievably smirky and in love with themselves and so self-entitled to their God-given XY designated”respect” from women. I guaranteed you, though, the combined sisterhood is smarter, by far.
Thank you sisters, all your advices are so valuable, and I know I am now in a whole new strange ugly territory that I am just learning how to act in, I have never been prepared to deal with anything like this before, so I am learning but slowly how to be around these type of men/ criminals.
Watch like a hawk
Write EVERYTHING you notice down, even if it seems really insignificant at the time.
Start a private cash stash.
Keep your mouth shut as much as possible. Trying to talk sense with these guys is a sure recipe for disappointment. You will NOT get validation of anything from them, no matter how obvious the point you are making. Just don’t expect any normal responses. Better not to even count on any response.
Do not make any verbal or other commitments now. If they push, dodge in any way possible. Say you heard a child calling, fall down and say you got dizzy, scream and slap his shoulder and say you saw a big spider, but where’d it go, dear God find it. I dunno, just don’t commit.
When all else fails, smile, and get them to talk about themselves. That covers over a multitude of sins, they forget a lot when they are on their (second) favorite subject. At least mine does.
Good advice, Lynn. Harmony – I would almost think about incorporating some ego kibbles into your strategy for dealing with him (if you can stomach it). Don’t go overboard – you don’t want to put him on notice – but just maybe a few statements here & there about how much you miss “how things used to be” or something to that affect – he’ll start to think you’re envious of Miss Columbia and then he’ll let his guard down and may end up telling you stuff or doing stuff that can be used against him in a custody battle. IDK – that may back-fire but I find with my h., he gets confident & comfortable when he thinks I’m “fine” but he hisses like a snake when I’m the least bit angry and he’s defensive about that. It’s not always easy not venting my anger but I get more from him by playing nice.
And, Harmony, I was reading Chump Lady and this paragraph – the part about having the lowest expectations of him – made me think of you but really it could probably be applied to all of us:
So many chumps do not listen to their guts. They convince themselves that, gee, they had this person wrong perhaps. They hold out hope. They may even judge them — but not act on that judgment, and stay enmeshed, or doing the “pick me” dance. You have to keep co-parenting with this guy? My advice to you is to have the lowest expectations of him possible. Do not expect him to do the decent thing, and you will not be broadsided when he does not. Expect him to be horrible and be relieved when he is not. Do your best not to malign him to the kids, and let his character reveal itself to them over time. (They’ll figure it out.)
Harmony,
What an ass!!! But aren’t they all? I think you got some good advice here. This thread is full of wisdom.I have to talk with my sa tonight by phone and reading this conversation is a good preparation for me. We have another divorce issue to discuss and I need to keep my thoughts clear and my emotions down.
I’m so glad we have this safe place to share.
Harmony, my prayers are with you,
KandiceYou all gave such great advice. These guys are so damn lucky that we vent here. Otherwise, we would kill them.
Kandice, keep clear and you will do just fine. Do not get emotional. Think Zombie 🙂
If I only can follow all your advices I will be in much better place
But it is very hard for me to play nice when I feel like throwing up every time I think of his name, it is hard for me to watch like a hawk when I am emotionally so beaten up and full of fears and anxiety I admit that I can not do all these things I tried and I failed but I will try again and I don’t know if I will get better at these games or if I could ever match up with him, he is a master at all of this , he has done all these things all his life,
but for me all of these ways of being are so new, it is still so hard for me to wrap my head around his true identity, not alone to learn new ways of handling him.So I am curious though about how you did change your ways of handling these sick men in your lives, how did you get to play nice, or keep your eyes and ears open and on guard all the times, can I be coached?
Thank you all for great valuable insights and I think one day some day all of this will sink in.
I’m not an expert, but I think the only thing that any of us can do is to keep moving forward, breathe deeply, know that we’re doing positive changes, etc. I’m a very type-A person who has never accepted myself to “veg” on the the couch. Since d-day, I’ve learned to give myself some slack. The PTSD from d-day is like a bullet to your heart. You really do need time to heal.
I envision mine as ‘nuclear waste’, and I refuse to be further ‘contaminated’ by him. Harmony, your H is your Kryptonite – have as little to do with him as possible.
Please keep your letter and give it to your lawyer. Try to minimize all direct contact with him. The other ladies have given good advise.
I know you hurt so very much, try to remember this is just a season in your life. You will be so very much happier when you get the necessary distance from him. He can be her problem.
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