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For 4 years on June 5th, my life, heart, body, family, finances, life goals and psyche have been deep in chaotic and abusive crisis, or emerging from that train wreck the sa caused.
What did I delay until more important issues were salvaged from the wreckage of my life?
birthday cards to my loved ones
visiting my adult children, including missing a couple of graduations of my sons – one BS degree, one PhD
dental care for a cracked tooth
women’s health exam
fixing a cracked windshield
eye exam
etc, etc, etc.
Just wanted to keep listing the effects of this life tragedy and “no fault” divorce experience. His lawyer was happy to rub salt into my wounds. Why? Because that was her job and the system says we have no legal recourse for harms done.
I am OK, better than OK. I will continue to be OK. I am unusually resilient. But, NONE of this was OK.
As I have posted several times, EX SA RAT, soon after his psychotic break, sat with my kids and acted like nothing happened to our lives. Well………. that was the strategy he used all along now wasn’t it? Lying by omission and pretending.
Obviously still grieving the effects. I want to fully grieve so I am better able to fully recover. Journaling here. I am so thankful there will be a record here of my journey. Thanks to JoAnn and all the sisters for keeping this a safe place. There is no other place like this in my life. So true for many of us.
Tears. And….hope.
I can relate, Desiree. So much of normal life gets put on hold while we try to recover. And, yes, they act like nothing even happened.
It’s like your house got totaled by a tornado (to use current events) and his is right across the street without a scratch.
Fucking pisses me off. I am in a foul mood tonight.
So sorry Desiree. And them going on with their lives seemingly without a care in the world is galling. It’s like that cliched movie scene where there is a huge explosion in the background and the character is walking away from it like it didn’t happen.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear this, and can relate. My SAH spent the last two years immersed in personal growth (a positive thing), and has come out a happy, calmer, more sane person. I, on the other hand, am more suspicious, unhappy, and insecure — when I used to be a confident, happy, and trusting person.
It’s not fair. Hugs, Agony
I can so relate to this as I am in the thick of this divorce. SA’s story to friends is “that we drifted apart.” He has also cut me off from money and my own bedroom (while at the same time emailing me that he would love to host my family’s big reunion this summer at “our” house.) I’m not going down though.
Hang in there, Desiree. And yes, JoAnn, you know how I love and need SOS, even when I don’t pop on as frequently. Love you all.Been thinking about you Julie! That motherfucker. “drifted apart”? Is that code for “fucking hookers”?
You all EXACTLY described how I have been feeling/what my post-divorce experience with my XH is. He NOW runs and works out, is three pounds UNDER what he was when I met him–when he was 25 (yes, he told me). All new clothes, always neatly groomed with clothes ironed (complete opposite of his old behavior). He tries to make this out as an equal, mutual needed parting of ways.
It does help to see that it is just part of the pattern.
Love how you said it ZG–I’m not going to go down either. i signed up for some yoga sessions through a cheap Groupon today. Baby steps!
Oh, and “drifted apart” could also be code for “chose porn and rage over my family”.
Oh Gawd ZGirl- that drifted apart excuse pisses me off that they minimize what happened to make them look better.
Your story should be “Yeah we drifted apart because he drifted to preferring porn over me or his penis drifted into other women’s hoo-ha’s, repeatedly……over and over.” (Whichever applies)
What a jerk!!
My ex used that “drifted apart” reason too. I wish someone would have asked him why. Or better yet – asked me why!
EllenWhen people ask me I say “He was unfaithful”, then they usually say “oh did he have an affair?”. And I say “Yes he did with 500 prostitutes throughout our whole marriage”
Jules, all you need to do is make copies of the DVD you found of him fucking hookers, I mean drifting apart, and pass them out. That should set the record straight once and for all.
My husband tells his friends and coworkers that I was the crazy one. He tells me, that’s what he tells them. He says he knows how to spin it so that he is the one that looks good. He’s “mentoring” a 24 year old girl at work. She’s going through a divorce so he’s “helping” her get through it. He tells her divorce isn’t so bad, my wife and I get along better now that I don’t have to listen to her nag. Sometimes, I wish I could be there, when she asks him to do something that she needs or wants and he says nope, not my thing, I’m busy doing such and such and such and I hope she runs away. BECAUSE I DIDN’T! I don’t want anyone else to fall for it. He doesn’t deserve another nice person! He needs consequences! It’s not fair he gets to walk around being a dick and a woman will still put up with him. Okay, sorry. I went off on a tangent. 🙂
You know I’ve been on this site since late November and have heard various sisters lament about how their h’s “just don’t get it” and I would think – well that isn’t really the problem with my h. He gets it “intellectually” and tells me all time how sorry he is, how he knows he’s caused me so much pain, etc. etc. I’ve come to understand that he probably won’t ever truly “get it” but as long as he knows it’s his doing and his problem then, that is okay….fast forward to last night where he blames me for having anger issues, says I’m too controlling, and even at one point he insinuated that I was having an affair b/c he found a pair of sunglasses in our guest bedroom! I have no idea whose they are but they are clearly women’s sunglasses. Anyway, I now understand why other sisters were so enraged that their h’s didn’t understand. Because my h is spinning his own narrative – what I think he believes or what he wants to believe – that I’m the controlling angry bitch who isn’t interested in “working on the marriage”. I won’t even meet him for coffee, dammit! This enrages me b/c it’s all so fucking unfair! I know he’s going to tell mutual friends and family members that we were having “issues” but never explain what those “issues” are. Could it be b/c he found a dead fucking prostitute in a van, perhaps? Nope, not going to mention that part. Or he may something benign like “I made some mistakes”. What the fuck does that mean? It was a “mistake” to pay some prostitute to suck your dick? I just want to shout to the world that my STBXh is a man-whore who has to pay women in gas cards to fuck him!
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