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First, I want to express my sincere appreciation for each and every comment Sisters have left to “My Story.” I have been off this site for several months now, I’m not sure why, honestly, as I received such an outpouring of support and kindness here. Unfortunately my story hasn’t changed much except that over the past six months (my children and I are still living in another state), we have continued to go to counseling weekly. The vast majority of our communication, in my mind, is all about his suffering and how horrible this experience has been for him. He cannot go more than a week or so without focusing the spotlight on his distress and often seeming to guilt me into returning to our home. Very recently, he has been doubling down on being nice to me, helping more w the kids, asking me how I’m doing. He also now fully denies that he had any sort of addiction and asserts that he stopped cold turkey on the day I found out. No more porn, no more prostitutes. I have not found any evidence to the contrary. He says he accepts responsibility for the choices he made but that our “dynamic” is what led him down this road and that I have to take responsibility for my part. I get that on some level, but also feel somehow blamed. My therapist, who I trust implicitly, met my husband and does not believe he is a sociopath, but does not rule out that he is a narcissistic, selfish prick. I’m so frustrated that I’m not further along in my thought process about this. I fear my few close friends in whom I’ve confided, who have been wonderful, are getting frustrated w me. The facts on the ground – his behavior over the past several months in terms of not acting like someone who really understands the pain he has caused – suggest that this person is not going to change. Bt anytime he does one nice thing for me, I am flooded with hope because I desperately do not want to lose my family or at least the idea of a family. And who is to say that I will be happier without him. Maybe I will be miserable alone, a single parent to two lovely and sweet yet very spirited children under the age of four. I will have to find somewhere to live, a job, put the kids in daycare, etc. things that seem so overwhelms to me, even now, after so much time. I’m also still so angry and disgusted. I try to spend time with him but it literally turns my stomach. I can’t imagine kissing him let alone having sex with him again. But what do you sacrifice to give your kids that intact family? Anyway, I know this has been really rambling, but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Hugs, Anne
Dear Anne,
Im so sorry that you are going through this! Your husbands desire for you to own “your part” in the “dynamic” infuriates me on your behalf! This is totally a way of deflecting responsibility. His pity party and blaming make me fear for you emotionally.
Could you try to avoid all contact with him aside from logistical or practical things that involve the children? I really think you need more emotional distance for yourself.
Wishing you all the best!“He cannot go more than a week or so without focusing the spotlight on his distress and often seeming to guilt me into returning to our home. Very recently, he has been doubling down on being nice to me, helping more w the kids, asking me how I’m doing. He also now fully denies that he had any sort of addiction and asserts that he stopped cold turkey on the day I found out. No more porn, no more prostitutes. I have not found any evidence to the contrary. He says he accepts responsibility for the choices he made but that our “dynamic” is what led him down this road and that I have to take responsibility for my part.”
This is not a man in recovery. Not by any stretch. I can speak from experience that thing often get worse if you let him back in your good graces now.
Only you can decide what to do, but I think I would tell him what your needs and boundaries are (such as an intensive with Minwalla, no discussing his pity party, etc., a year or whatever separation for you to heal and buy you some time and then revisit…. ).
I hate to say this but your idea and his idea of a family are vastly different. But I understand the fear of the drastic changes of leaving them. You won’t be alone and miserable- that is a cognitive distortion that I think most of us go through at some point. We have plenty of sisters that have proven that it is just patently not going to happen.
Glad you are back, Anne. You are in a tough spot, that pendulum of hope swinging back and forth is like Chinese water torture. Is it real? Is it fake? I understand your wanting to keep an intact family for your children. I think every mom on here does.
Anne
Please do not accept any blame for the choices that he made. If there was something in the “dynamic” that he was not happy with it was up to him to talk to you about it and deal with it as a mature responsible adult. He chose to behave differently. Not your fault. You did not lead him down the road. That is addict speak.
EllenThere is no such thing as any “dynamic” in any marriage that exonerates cheating.
As for being worse off without him…..only you can answer that. I will say that I would give anything to have found this out when my kids were under 4 and wouldn’t have any true memories of the “intact family”. Your kids can live their whole life never really missing living with dad because they won’t be able to remember any of it. I don’t know if that helps…..
What he saying to you is hogwash, Anne. There isn’t a marital dynamic that makes men use hookers. Weirdos use hookers.
Oh Anne – I think the blaming you for your “dynamic” is on page 210 of the playbook, sister. My h. told me about 2 weeks ago that I had “anger issues” and he was worried about me. Hello – I’m not angry at anyone or any thing except him! Anyway, I agree with Teri, he may be “sober” as he claims (and my h. does too) but the blaming, the guilt, the denial, etc. is not what recovery looks like. Btw, saying he quit cold turkey the day you found out is complete & utter bullshit – I don’t know your story but I am willing to bet that is not what happened and now he’s trying to deny/minimize what you know logically is true. Anyway, I can relate b/c my h. is on a “nice kick” and being more committed to the kids (okay this is a recent development and probably won’t last) but the thing that gets me off that pendulum swing of emotion is remembering – it doesn’t matter what he’s doing now, it’s what he’s done in the past. For me, no amount of good behavior now will wash away all the betrayal, lies & secrecy of the past several years. I also have constant reminders of how little I trust him and if I were to allow him back in, that constant questioning of where he’s been, who he’s been with, what is he doing, would continue in full force b/c I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will NEVER trust him again. And, for me, that is not the kind of relationship I want to be in.
Feeling conflicted – you are so strong. Did you give your h a second chance after “d-day?” Do you have kids? I’m just struggling to figure out how to make this choice given i don’t trust him but right now I have no evidence to the contrary since d-day. Are you still with your h? How have you navigated this decision making process ?
Thank you and hugs, AnneAnne, did your H ever admit that he had a problem? Has he been in any therapy? I can’t remember your whole story. Just answer if you feel like it.
Bev- in a nutshell, we’ve been together since 2000, married since ’04. I found out in Nov of last year that he had had sex w six prostitues six times over course of the last eight years. Hours of time spent watching porn, perusing escort sites, email accts I didn’t know about, surfing match.com, adultfriendfinder. He says majority was fantasy but acted on urges those six times. When I first discovered this, he denied it until I had hard proof, he first claimed he was a sex addict but within a month withdrew that assertion and has come up w a dizzying array of explanations since. He says he hasn’t done anything (porn, hookers, etc) since I found out – stopped cold turkey. I can’t find any evidence to the contrary…He is in therapy but not w someone specializing in sex addiction bc he doesn’t believe he is an addict and frankly I’m not totally sure either. We are in couples therapy w someone who referred him to a sex addiction therapist but he wouldn’t go. She has also been calling him on his shit and now he doesn’t want to see her anymore. Aargh. Anyway, thanks for listening.
May I ask you something? Are you still w your h? If you feel ok about answering, would you mind if I ask why?
Thanks again. Hugs, AnneI’m still here. I never mind anybody asking questions 🙂
My h went to Minwalla’s intensive and is a totally different person. He also went to my attorney’s office and signed a shit load of papers that pretty much ensure mine and my children’s well being (financially). He is being very helpful to me at this time. He is also working extremely hard to repair relations with my son (almost 13 years old). He is being super dad and super husband. I am still not exactly sane. I still reel from the shock of the whole mess. Anyway, I stay because it is easier for me right now…….
How many incidents of proof did you find? The six you mentioned or was that the total number including what your proof is?
Anne – your story resonates with me b/c there are many similiarities. I’m “strong” now but I went through months of being hypervigilant trying to prove that he had stopped. He also claims to have quit “cold turkey” after the second DDay in late October (I wrote more details about that on another one of your threads). I still struggle with trying to not want to know what he’s up to but about 2 or 3 months ago, I finally started to internalize the concept of “I have enough evidence” – I don’t need to find out more. It’s incredibly difficult when your h. is insisting he’s clean & sober but your gut is telling you this is not true. You really have to separate their words from their actions. Mine is King of saying one thing but when I really analyzed it – he really didn’t back up what he said with his actions.
I have hard proof of four. He has admitted to six. I still believe in my gut that there are more. He swears up and down he’s told me everything. But it hasn’t seemed complete – he is vague, says he can’t remember details, dates, why he chose this girl or that one. I always feel like a prosecuting attorney when we talk about it pulling answers out of him. Nothing seems to be offered. But again, there is no evidence to the contrary and I have looked a bit. Perhaps not as vigilantly as I could. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just totally paranoid and he is telling the truth. Which is pretty much what this whole thing is about – me discounting my instinct about a lot of things in exchange for his way of doing things, his way of thinking.
Bev – when you say he’s a different person, what do you mean? My h has always been a pretty selfish person who struggles to empathize with others particularly when ther interests contradict his. When he has told me he loves me, told me he’s sorry even before d-day, it didn’t really feel genuine to me. It lacked a certain amount of depth. I am concerned these types of traits cannot change.
Oh, I also have several emails to escort sites trying to set up dates, dates he says he cancelled yet there isn’t proof that he did cancel. Also proof of the match account and many escort sites.
Mine was the most unempathetic person on the face of the planet and had zero depth.. I kid you not. I actually think he chose me because I am a low maintenance type gal. I don’t really need much. Dr. Minwalla sent a stranger home to me ( he warned me). He is nothing like he was…
That being said (warning)…..I have NO idea if it is real or if it lasts or if I actually give a shit. I’m just saying that it is a HUGE change.
That is a huge change. How many days is it? Is it a fortune? The thing is I don’t think my h believes he has an addiction so I’m not sure he would even consider doing it.
Anne, you are being gaslighted big time. Until your H enters into intense therapy then I wouldn’t listen to a word he says.
I understand your kids are young but this problem does not go away. There is something deeply wrong with him. What normal person puts up dating profiles just to cancel anyway? That in and of itself makes him a nut even if he didn’t really have actual sex with them. He is mentally unhealthy.
Bev – I’m just so overwhelmed by your strength and the steps you’ve taken to protect yourself and your family. You seem to have such a clear idea of your wants and needs. Have you always been this way? I struggle so much to see myself these days. I seem to see everything through his lens.
It was 2 weeks for my H. I think he spent a little over 10k. I did not give him a choice. It was Minwalla or he could talk to me thru the attorney. I meant it too. He had a csat for months after and the csat sent him to a therapist tht deals with childhood ( foo) issues. He has been seeing the guy for 2 months. It is helping him.
I’m about to go into couples therapy w him and I have no idea what to say. There are so many things I want to say but somehow it gets jumbled and lose control of the session. Ugh.
Anne, Bev’s husband went because she kicked him out AND he knew she could use the evidence from the PI and implicate or end his job. You cannot give an inch with these men. I am sure your husband is lying to you and there are more Anne. Once they are caught they are better at hiding their tracks. But it isn’t just that…it’s the fact he doesn’t respect your feelings, puts pressure on you and is avoiding real help. Listen to your gut. It is talking to you and it doesn’t lie. If you are content to have a marriage of convenience with your H….then go back and turn a blind eye. If you want more…..you have to harden your approach. I was wondering. Do YOU have a counsellor? Your h sounds like a narc. They can really mess with your head. Tell him No Minwalla, NO moving back and see how that flies? It sounds like you are using distance as your boundary and thats not a bad idea when you feel weak. It isn’t a long term solution though? Sooner or later you have to be able to hold your ground. Hugs, Karen xx
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