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nap.
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July 10, 2013 at 6:28 pm #7776
jenny
MemberJust wanted to run something by the ladies with some experience:
I plan on telling my therapist of all the discoveries yesterday, and exactly why (hanging out with old girlfriends on the sly, soliciting names of divorce attorneys, etc.) I am not going to continue with couples counseling after tonight’s appointment.
My question is whether I offer the same explanation tonight in couples and lower the boom about the fact that he is NOT sly and therefore “fuck you”. Or, do I keep it all to myself and just say “not doing it”, end of story. Just try and make me.
Because I hate that he thinks I’m a fool and is such a BAD criminal, I want him to know just how hypocritical and slimy I know him to be. But I don’t want to let loose any information that might either be useful or bite me in the ass later.
I know he’s not learning how to be sober, he’s learning how to APPEAR to be sober. Do I err on the side of truth an justice (I’m almost laughing here), or keep it to myself.
Thoughts?July 10, 2013 at 7:11 pm #98750daisy1962
MemberKEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!!! Knowledge is power. Keep the power in your hands. The more you know about him and the less he knows about you, the more you keep him off balance. Also known as, beating him at his own game ’cause you can bet money that is exactly the game he is playing with you right now.
I know I ask you why a lot Jenny but once again, I have to ask why you are subjecting yourself to couples counseling AGAIN? You see the same therapist for both your individual and your couple counseling, right? You can tell the therapist at your individual therapy that you are done with couple’s counseling. Send him an email saying that couple’s counseling including tonight’s session is suspended indefinitely. Just that. Let him wonder why. I see absolutely no benefit to you either emotionally or strategically to go to tonight’s torture session.
And if you need to explain or justify to your therapist why yesterday’s revelations makes couple’s counseling impossible you should run, not walk to another therapist. It should be obvious to her why you can not be in couple’s counseling and if she can’t or won’t see that, I think that answers the question whether she genuinely cares about your wellbeing or is just counting the money.
July 10, 2013 at 7:21 pm #98751jenny
MemberHey Daisy,
I have a therapist, he has a therapist, and then there is yet a THIRD therapist for couples counseling. We have a standing appt for couples every 2 weeks. I am keeping this appt to let her know that I will not be continuing with the couples sessions. I’ve decided to tell her tonight to talk to my therapist for the reasons why, so that I don’t have to reveal what I know to him. I could have called to cancel, i know this, and perhaps I should have. But I’m resigned and know I can make it through tonight. I have to be brief, I’m heading into my therapists office now. I’ll let you know how that goes, and if she’s on my team after all…July 10, 2013 at 7:39 pm #98752972
MemberMy very last session of couples counseling was when I had a PI in the parking lot ready to follow him from there. He said all kinds of crazy shit and I pretty much kept my mouth shut. I knew enough at that point to just ignore whatever he said. I won’t lie, what he said hurt me but I knew he was lying and I really did not give a shit what the therapist thought. I knew I had bigger problems and she could not help “us”.
What you must remember that all ‘marriage/couples’ therapists have ONE goal. The goal is to reunite the couple and make everybody feel good. That might work if you were having normal issues and a rough patch in a relationship. They are useless in the case of SA.
I strongly encourage you to shut your mouth about what you know. I cannot stress this enough. Shutting my mouth was the best thing I did ( and it is NOT easy for me to shut up).
July 10, 2013 at 7:58 pm #98753lisak
Participantwhat daisy and bev said. be an observer for now. this knowledge will help you figure out what you want, but sometimes it takes a long time for it to sink in because these guys are so wacky. keep it to yourself. keep watching to see what he does.. what you need will become absolutely clear to you in time.
July 10, 2013 at 8:18 pm #98754courtney
ParticipantI agree, particularly if you were checking places he wouldn’t think you would look and got that information. If he left the computer open or a note on the kitchen table, that would be different. Don’t tip him off and give up any valuable sources of information before you are ready. If your husband asks what you know, I wouldn’t even confirm that you know anything specific. I would just say that you are back to trusting your gut and and your instincts are buzzing, or something nebulous that will drive him crazy. You don’t owe him the truth. What is it with these doctors? A lot of the women on here are married to doctors, you, Meg, Ali, and Teri that I can think of right off the top of my head.
July 10, 2013 at 9:05 pm #98755kmf
MemberAgreed. As much as you would LOVE to nail him, you will get a chance later. As soon as he knows how you know the source will dry up. the source allows you to remain one step ahead of him and he sounds like the type you will need to stay ahead of. Let him wonder. A successful partner is the one who truly learns how to play THEIR game and then turn it back on them. Well, at least until you find someone with a better game.
July 10, 2013 at 11:28 pm #98756liza
ParticipantThree therapists between you? Do you realize how many mental health days at a beach resort that would pay for???
July 10, 2013 at 11:36 pm #98757lynng2
ParticipantOk Jenny,
I have to get this off my chest, and it’s not a judgement of you. I learned the hard way. Keeping appointments because you said you would, you are committed, it’s the right thing to do, somebody should get the real story, or anything like that is how these guys win.
We play fair and they don’t.
They count on us being the one to play fair, do the right thing, clean up the messes, fight the fires, etc. etc. etc. and they will CONSTANTLY create something else for us to straighten out or feel obligated to do by sheer force of our integrity. For me, at least, I learned it was my achielles heel, and he was playing it for all it was worth.
Don’t honor social obligations, or any other obligations, with him that don’t DIRECTLY benefit you NOW!!!! Do not aim for future benefits from anything that has requirements for both of your efforts. It won’t be there. You can’t save him, he is driving your relationship into the ground (or lower).
Nothing you promised or feel obligated to do is worth it now, he broke the marriage vows and that took every other commitment off the table. You can’t keep them alone. Don’t even try.
Choose you.
July 10, 2013 at 11:41 pm #98758march
ParticipantTrue that.
July 11, 2013 at 1:30 am #98759sickoftrying
ParticipantI do have plenty of experience with dealing with a Narcissistic sex addict. I do not have much experience with therapists that specialize in it. My opinion on therapy is that it is whacked. No-one can make a dishonest person honest. Ultimately it is choice they make. Anyways!!! Who gives a rats ass what he thinks of you (saying this to me also). He must have not thought much of u to begin with or he wouldn’t have strayed.
July 11, 2013 at 1:55 am #98760lisak
ParticipantSOT, IMO, the straying has NOTHING to do with us, or what they think of us. hard to wrap one’s head around that one, but true. for me, the sooner i understood that, the sooner i knew the animal i am dealing with…
July 11, 2013 at 2:01 am #98761sickoftrying
ParticipantYeah that is hard for me to swallow. If they really value us they wouldn’t do anything to hurt us. I probably should delete my last comment because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but that is what I think. A liar is a liar does. Your actions define you.
July 11, 2013 at 2:14 am #98762nap
ParticipantI’m so happy I’m divorced. Their shit drives me coo coo for cocoa pops!
July 11, 2013 at 2:22 am #98763lynng2
ParticipantIf they really valued us, we wouldn’t be here.
Not that I don’t adore the sisters. You all know I do.
July 11, 2013 at 2:30 am #98764nap
ParticipantI know mine really adored me (NOT). If it wasn’t for his expressions of adoration I wouldn’t be writing my book ‘Hotel Living’…..
July 11, 2013 at 3:32 pm #98765kmf
Member“No one can make a dishonest person honest”
Yes, I am inclined to think that too.July 11, 2013 at 3:46 pm #98766feelingconflicted
ParticipantSOT – I think I understand what you are saying. They do not value us, plain & simple. However, this is about them and not us. It is not about us and whether we’re pretty enough or smart enough or a good-enough spouse. They would do this to any woman they were married to or in a relationship with. They don’t value any women – they aren’t capable of it – so we need to remember that while this affects us greatly and it’s so fucking unfair sometimes, it is most certainly not about us.
July 12, 2013 at 6:50 am #98767jessicawest
ParticipantFeelingconflicted, I think I need to print your comment and remind myself of this! I don’t know how many times a day I find myself thinking about my faults and how I measure up to fucking prostitutes. Never imagined this would be my life, so fucking unbelievable!!!
July 12, 2013 at 4:00 pm #98768robinlight
ParticipantWhat are we to do? How could they have lied to us, betrayed us so much and violated us? Then they screw us up even more by being so sweet, love us, and saying they’ve changed? I’m screwed up now – I don’t really want a divorce and I know that if I stay – it will be just a matter of time before he is doing it again. HOW IN THE WORLD COULD HE HAVE DONE WHAT HE DID IN THE FIRST PLACE?
July 12, 2013 at 4:08 pm #98769972
MemberHe’s insane.
July 12, 2013 at 9:24 pm #98770arleighburke
Memberjessicawest – yeah, I’ve spent many hours trying to figure out why mine valued a jailbird temp worker (not to mention dirty hookers) over me, his friend and companion of >25 years and also his longtime coworker and collaborator. There is no answer other than he’s in full blown bipolar mania, with the accelerator jammed to the floor, and there is no rationality to it. These guys may not all be bipolar, but they do have mood and/or personality disorders and who knows what other comorbid conditions.
July 13, 2013 at 2:33 am #98771liza
ParticipantOr they’re just plain old Assaholics.
July 13, 2013 at 2:40 am #98772972
MemberEither way 🙂
July 13, 2013 at 9:20 am #98773nap
ParticipantI think they pretty much let us know by their actions how much they ‘respect and value’ us. The most important thing is we respect and value ourselves so much as to which we won’t tolerate their behavior. Not from them or abuse by anyone.
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