- This topic has 48 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I’ve had time alone all morning and I’ve been typing my history with my SA (I am emotional drained). It’s gotten WAY to long for anyone to read, I’ll figure it out. Or I’ll post, and you will all have to read a little at a time over the next days lol!
Anyway, my question is this…. How many of you once in this forum couldn’t resist telling your SA what everyone says? You know what I mean… that desperate attempt to put a mirror in front of his face, in hopes of him realizing or seeing himself in others like him? I am terrible when it comes to this. Because I so want to be wrong. And even though I know I’m not. I keep thinking something I show him or say will click. And even as I ask you all this question, I already know what your response is going to be. But I’m just not ready for it to be over. I don’t want this to be it.I guess I really would rather hear who has tried to share and talk with their SA about this stuff and what happened as a result.
I do not share ANYTHING from here with my H. What is said in the ‘hood, stays in the ‘hood. The only thing I share with him from here is something like what the Sisters said about our dog having puppies. Total inanities, not anything of substance ever.
You don’t really believe that what a bunch of women he doesn’t know says about him is going to make the slightest difference if he is willing to screw strangers in front of your brother? C’mon Kelly…
Kelly, like you said, you already know. I think we have all gone in circles to fix, show, and understand. We are tremendously tenacious, but unfortunately they just don’t get it and often our efforts end up being used against us somehow. You KNOW you’re right. Screw his validation. He is a brick wall.
Sisters (including me) have shared books, articles from the Internet and that sort of thing with our SAs. What was the result? About what you would imagine. Not much of anything. They are most likely (especially if they are a narc and/or not in recovery) to wonder why you are giving it to them since it clearly (in their mind) has NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.
KTo Daisy’s point, I read every single book and article I could get my hands on and always asked him to read them. He never cracked a single book open. When I finally left, I didn’t even leave him a note, but I did leave three books on sex addiction. As heartbroken as he supposedly was I doubt he ever read them…..wasted effort,wasted breathe!
Kelly
I am sorry. I know it hurts. But as you know it will be pissing in the wind. If he doesn’t listen to u…I don’t share a thing. He doesn’t tell me his girlfriends name. LOL. He is a control freak and gets ticked at me.
Bonnie I did the same. Devotional books sex addict etc. He is the one with the problem and never cracked them open. Good thing we are tenacious or we wouldn’t make it through this crazy mess .
“But I’m just not ready for it to be over. I don’t want this to be it.”
And your H is well aware of that fact? You want to see him react to something? STOP talking and start doing. Change the locks and let him come home from work to find his packed bags on the step. You will get so much reaction you will wonder why you didn’t do it before? Complete with all the theatrics and drama they are able to pull forward when the status quo is threatened. Your mistake is assuming your H must WANT to change? Think rationally about why he would want to do that? Change? He fucks who he wants and then he goes home and fucks a beautiful partner and plays happy family. Why on earth would he want to change anything??? Would YOU want to change anything if you had your cake and could eat it too? Go to a site called Chump Lady and do a bit of reading. Also get “in Sheep’s Clothing” by Dr George Simon and devour it. Your husband doesn’t need a mirror. He knows EXACTLY what he should do. He just doesn’t want to…and why should he? As long as you let him cheat on you and remain living in your home. He is laughing all the way to his next romp, Sweetheart.
It doesn’t matter if your story is a book. We will read it. We are not being hard here Kelly. We know you do not want to give up. But you are going to have to. OR you are going to have to live the way you have been living? He fucks other people in front of your brother? He has NO respect for you, Kelly. You have to take back your power. He will never listen to you UNTIL you take a stand. Hugs, KarenI got nothing but empty words until I threw his ass out of my house. Hell the CSAT threw him out of therapy for not attending and just giving it lipservice ( he was a paying customer and got thrown out of therapy!!!).
I didn’t pack his shit or let him back in the house. He was at work and I told him by phone that if he came near my house I would call the cops and swear he had hit me. He said “what about my stuff?” I told him Walmart was open 24/7. He found hookers, he could damn well find clothes and toiletries.
Karen is right. Share whatever you want with him. He is NOT listening. When you get tired of it, use my plan 🙂
Oh, I let him back home to see the kids before he flew out to a 2 week intensive with Minwalla. Game changer 🙂
Kelly, like Gail said, nothing is too long to read on here. Whatever helps you get it out, that is the most important thing.
I think many of us in the beginning try to ‘help’ our SAs. For me it took a while to realize that it’s not really an ‘addiction’ in the true sense of the word, but a really farked-up personality disorder that I can’t do a damn thing about. Once I let that sink in, I started to realize that sharing all the info in the world with him about ‘addiction’ was missing the point and was a waste of already-depleted emotional energy. I just read one of your first posts under the PTSD section, and saw that you have two little children. I can’t even imagine how much more difficult that makes things, in terms of trying to make a decision. This is really early days for you since discovery, and the most important thing for you right now is your own healing. I would try to not do anything to ‘help’ him. Just help you and your little ones. You’re the ones who matter. xoxo
Yeah… I know. I’m not naive. I’m not stupid. I’m not poor. I own the home, in my name. I make enough money alone. Others would say I’m attractive. I’m fun. I’m strong physically and believe it or not mentally. Shit not many could endure what we have. I am competitive. Hard working. And I NEVER take shit from anybody. lol…
How’d I become this asshole’s bitch!
I WILL be fine. For about a month (when I really learned it wasn’t just other women, but hookers, nasty one’s too, and much more I don’t want to get into now) I truly was taken down for a bit. I thought I might really require leave from work, I cut off all my friends, I didn’t want to be around anyone. But I’m coming back, I always spring back fast. I have to with this guy. Every month/week for 10 years, something new. Only a few months of peace here and there for me and that’s when they are fighting to stay or come home.
Oh wait… I didn’t share my story yet. I will. I typed the whole damn thing for the last 3 hours and somehow it only saved the last little bit and I wanted to die when i saw it was gone (doing it in a different program first to copy and paste:-). Don’t have the energy to do it again at the moment. Soon.
If you all met me in “REAL life”, you would never guess that I’m the same girl in here. By that, I mean, I can handle myself. I haven’t fallen apart. Nobody has a clue what is happening to me right now (except my BFF – thank god for her). But I also can’t dump all this stuff on her, she would say i should, but you all know – its an ugly world we’ve lived in and no one should have to be exposed to it – even if just through someone else. All this PTSD and damage, I keep it very vague, it’s too overwhelming. I’ll just dump all my shit off in here with you guys:-)
Bev, what it Minwalla????
By the way… we are NOT married. How do I make sure I get full custody of my boys. How do I keep control of when he can see them? I wouldn’t dare keep them from him. The worse part is that they adore him. But I dont want them staying the night for more than 1 night at a time (more on this later). And you are all right. He’s not a great dad when he destroys mom. But my kids dont know that and if you take that important detail out… he is a great dad. He was a great athlete, pitcher and quarterback, full scholarship for baseball (that he drank away and lost)! He plays with our boys for hours and works hard with them, coaches the team and is wonderful. Kids, parents, they all adore him.. think he’s mr. wonderful and probably think i am one damn lucky girl. PUKE
If only he was that person he lets everyone see.
But still I let myself believe I am in control of this. If I stay with him it is because of money, kids, because I’m so fucked up that I have no interest in starting new.
Kelly, the longer you hang around here the more you will see that a large number of women here were take no nonsense kind of girls…smart, attractive, accomplished and sane. These men dupe us. Normal people do NOT expect to be dealing with someone who is SO abnormal? It can take some time…even for a pistol or a firecracker to really come to understand what is being done to her? These men abuse with a charming smile on their face. That abuse changes a woman…ANY woman…no one is immune to abuse. It wears you down, it skews your perspective, it makes you afraid and unsure and also makes you wonder who on earth YOU are becoming. We are on your side BUT we are not on his. He doesn’t need us. He is very skilled at getting what he wants
already.
You can dump anything here. As much or as little as you like.That’s right Kelly they ARE NOT the person they let everyone else see. They wear a mask. They take it off for us and gosh it’s ugly who they really are. They only fool themselves because we know the truth and we can’t deny what we know to be true otherwise we are in BIG trouble.
Kelly. how do you really expect to be after a decade of living with someone who cheats on you repeatedly? Cheating is abuse. It hurts much more than a punch in the face. It has ben said here more than once “I would rather be punched.” You are all mixed up and doubting yourself because this has been going on a LONG time and the life you are living is a lie. It is ok to feel all over the map. That is very normal.
I am living now in preparation for ending it. He never made shit for income until about 2 years ago. Now he making a lot of money, and moving up fast in a large company. Part of me thinks… I’ll stick around and get what I deserve first. After this last discovery we opened a joint account, where he’s putting everything (he gives me his paystub), and i’m only putting some (even though i told him its everything), I’m building my savings account and shopping on him. The kids are happier when we are together. They are so happy now. I want a new home, he is finally for the first time, on board and letting me save for a downpayment. But he’s also not fucking around right now (not yet). I will know when it’s coming, I can always tell. I’m playing his game for now and preparing. I start EMDR on Monday, then again a session on Tuesday. I need to get mentally healthy, or I will never be able to leave him.
I just turned 40. But have a lot of life in me still:-)
But I won’t lie. I still want a miracle. I want my family together. I know from everything I read here and other places, it won’t happen, but I still want a miracle.
kmf – that’s funny you say that… I was driving home last night and thought the very same thing. Beat me up, anything, anything would be better than the betrayal of sleeping with other women.
Ladies, meet my SA:-( Can’t fix a sociopath.
10 signs for spotting a sociopath
#1) Sociopaths are charming. Sociopaths have high charisma and tend to attract a following just because people want to be around them. They have a “glow” about them that attracts people who typically seek guidance or direction. They often appear to be sexy or have a strong sexual attraction. Not all sexy people are sociopaths, obviously, but watch out for over-the-top sexual appetites and weird fetishes.
#2) Sociopaths are more spontaneous and intense than other people. They tend to do bizarre, sometimes erratic things that most regular people wouldn’t do. They are unbound by normal social contracts. Their behavior often seems irrational or extremely risky.
#3) Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse. Their brains simply lack the circuitry to process such emotions. This allows them to betray people, threaten people or harm people without giving it a second thought. They pursue any action that serves their own self interest even if it seriously harms others. This is why you will find many very “successful” sociopaths in high levels of government, in any nation.
#4) Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences. They wildly exaggerate things to the point of absurdity, but when they describe it to you in a storytelling format, for some reason it sounds believable at the time.
#5) Sociopaths seek to dominate others and “win” at all costs. They hate to lose any argument or fight and will viciously defend their web of lies, even to the point of logical absurdity.
#6) Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent, but they use their brainpower to deceive others rather than empower them. Their high IQs often makes them dangerous. This is why many of the best-known serial killers who successfully evaded law enforcement were sociopaths.
#7) Sociopaths are incapable of love and are entirely self-serving. They may feign love or compassion in order to get what they want, but they don’t actually FEEL love in the way that you or I do.
#8) Sociopaths speak poetically. They are master wordsmiths, able to deliver a running “stream of consciousness” monologue that is both intriguing and hypnotic. They are expert storytellers and even poets. As a great example of this in action, watch this interview of Charles Manson on YouTube (Preview) .
#9) Sociopaths never apologize. They are never wrong. They never feel guilt. They can never apologize. Even if shown proof that they were wrong, they will refuse to apologize and instead go on the attack.
#10) Sociopaths are delusional and literally believe that what they say becomes truth merely because they say it! Charles Manson, the sociopathic murderer, is famous for saying, “I’ve never killed anyone! I don’t need to kill anyone! I THINK it! I have it HERE! (Pointing to his temple.) I don’t need to live in this physical realm…”
Sociopaths are masters at weaving elaborate fictional explanations to justify their actions. When caught red-handed, they respond with anger and threats, then weave new fabrications to explain away whatever they were caught doing.
A sociopath caught red-handed with a suitcase full of cash he just stole, for example, might declare he had actually rescued the money from being stolen by someone else, and that he was attempting to find its rightful owner. He’s the hero, see? And yet, in reality, he will simply pocket the money and keep it. If you question him about the money, he will attack you for questioning his honesty.
Sociopaths are masters are presenting themselves as heroes with high morals and philosophy, yet underneath it they are the true criminal minds in society who steal, undermine, deceive, and often incite emotional chaos among entire communities. They are masters at turning one group of people against another group while proclaiming themselves to be the one true savior. Wherever they go, they create strife, argument and hatred, yet they utterly fail to see their own role in creating it. They are delusional at so many levels that their brains defy logical reasoning.
*You cannot reason with a sociopath. Attempting to do so only wastes your time and annoys the sociopath.
(yeah, there is no hope) yet i still want to be wrong:-(
Sociopaths are masters at weaving elaborate fictional explanations to justify their actions. When caught red-handed, they respond with anger and threats, then weave new fabrications to explain away whatever they were caught doing.
You cannot reason with a sociopath. Attempting to do so only wastes your time and annoys the sociopath.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.