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Fifty years ago, if you were a battered woman, you probably wouldn’t tell anyone. And if you did, what advice would they have given you?–how to cope, how to stay, how to tiptoe around so that you wouldn’t trigger his temper? You would be told all the ways that leaving would hurt your family, your children. Your fears of what would happen to you financially would be reinforced. Your fears that you would never find anyone better and would end up alone would be reinforced. You would be encouraged to look at all his good qualities and to forgive him. This would have been the support, help and advice you would be given. Oh, and you would be “listened” to.
But today–we have evolved as a society. Any professional who would encourage a woman to stay in a physically abusive situation would be considered a quack!
And god forbid, what if he hit you twice? Or three times?!? What if a friend said well he only seems to beat me every few years….he has family of origin issues, his job is stressful, he really loves me, he cant help it, we have been together for so long. I cant leave because of the children, or the money etc….What would you tell her? He hasn’t broken any bones, he only slapped me, or pushed me. It’s not that bad. He’s sorry, he is working on it. He promises he wont do it again. It only happens when he drinks so Ill help him stay sober. We can work on it together. He needs me, my help, my love. We have been together for ten years, or twenty…
Dear god in heaven–what would any of us say in that kind of a situation?!?
Why did I think the abuse my ex put me through was any different? Better? Because it isn’t. It is much worse. I would have taken a punch any day over what I got! Not to mention that our lives/health also is literally endangered by these guys!
So why would we encourage anyone to stay? To “work it out with their abuser? Please forgive me if this is triggering or upsetting to anyone. I am not tying to be judgmental. But it occurred to me that we are on the cusp of some kind of evolution where it will not be acceptable anymore to be treated or watch someone else be treated with this kind of abuse.
Please, tell me how what these SAs have done to us is any better or different from beating the living shit out of us? Do the scars have to be physical to be considered real? Just replace every D-day with a punch in the face. So now what do you do? And what do you tell your sisters and daughters to do?
I am really asking.
I love you all.Well, I am living what I’d tell. Get away, start preparations on day one of discovery to be completely self sustaining, so you can leave whenever required. Then get your bearings, seek professional advice but trust your gut above all. When you are out of the shock and awe and you know the score, be responsible for your knowledge – to yourself and your family and the chidlren coming behind us – no actual change means leave, no matter the cost, get yourself out of the abuse. Everything else can be replaced. You can’t.
we are on the cusp of an evolution bonnie. i believe that in even 10 years, things will be much different. and 50 years from now? absolutely.
i believe that SA is domestic abuse. just as bad, or worse than physical abuse. i hope the next generation comes to see it this way.
No matter what the abuse, the process is for the battered wife is pretty much the same, isn’t it?
Nobody says give a batterer another year, he needs therapy and a support group, he can’t really help it because hitting you makes his brain feel better since he’s in so much pain from his family of origin issues. Everyone recognizes that protecting the victims is paramount.
Why isn’t protecting us from any more abuse the first order of business?
because the power balance in society is still scewed. and how we see the sexes is closely linked with how we (society) sees sex and how men should treat women and vice versa.
IMO big changes in the power balance will create a real sexual evolution. it’s not enough for us to have birth control. the sexual rights of women need to be respected.
the more economic and political power women have, the less protected these men will be – said yoda style 🙂
i am not a sister has the capacity to write a book, start a website (like my hero joann) or go into the theraeutic system.
but you better fuckin believe that i’m going to do my best to take my (male dominated) profession by fucking storm. and show other women, young and old that we can be leaders. you better fucking believe i’m going to fight that fight. and in my little scene here, my profession is high profile. ego bullshit (which i don’t care about) and music (which i love) aside, a LOT of what i will do in the rest of my productive days will be for my sisters.
and i WILL continue to write music about this shit. about empowerment. about abuse and trauma. about obsession with illusion and pornography, about dissociation, about inspiring women. people WILL hear that message from me. what they do with that is theirs. but i WILL send those messages.
i am not a fool, the art world is a small part of the whole picture. and i live in a medium sized city in a country with a smaller population. but you better fucking believe i’m going to use that platform to make as much of a difference as i can!!!!
and thank you thank you thank you, to the women who are fighting the therapeutic fight – joann, lili, march, lynn. thank you from the bottom of my shattered but strengthening heart.
EVERY step, small or large that each of us takes towards independence (and this is irregardless of whether we stay or go) helps us ALL.
peace and love to you my beautiful sisters. fuck yeah! (my new mantra, and take on fuck that!)
I think Lisa is really onto something. This is definitely about misogyny and an imbalance in societal power.
It is because Patrick Carnes labeled sex an addiction. No matter what the addiction the first order of business is to help the addict. Physical abusers are not labeled “addict”.
As long as the label of “addict” remains accepted then the abuse is never going to be recognized except to label us co- dependent and enabler….
They should be arrested for negligent homicide/battery. Look at sweet Gail for instance. All of the medical bills she has to absorb because he was not truthful to her.
They will never encourage you to stay, nor should anyone here do that. However, domestic violence agencies, organizations, advocates, and trained therapists specializing in abuse and trauma WILL NEVER shame you for staying/being unable to leave yet. They will help empower you, educate you, support you, and help make a plan. They respect it’s a very difficult process and acutely understand the reality most outsiders do not understand: leaving is the most dangerous and fearful time for the victim. So I believe that’s what we all need to do to help each sister. Because ultimately, “Just leave the SOB” advice and “Why won’t she leave” that so many people in the world say to DV victims is actually unhelpful and ignorant.
Great forum Bonnie and posts. I recognize now I was an abused woman for my whole marriage. Very emotionally abused in very covert ways, neglected, withheld from, ignored, taken advantage of, used, intimidated. Was it on a daily basis? No. However it was present and it was there. I couldn’t leave. My therapist would say (this was after Dday) do you have a plan? I would think a plan for what??? I truly didn’t have all the pieces and my perspective was skewed to say the least. The only way I was able to leave was him literally throwing me out. Looking back, as horrible it was at the time it was the best thing to happen to me to get me out of the relationship. It gave me space and time to heal from all the dysfunction. Sure, my life is much different now from a material standpoint (money, ‘things’) however it’s so much richer than the life I had. I don’t have to accept abuse anymore. I choose who I want to spend time with. I started a new career and am learning new things. It is hard to ‘leave’ because I couldn’t do it. I loved him ‘too much’. So I was thrown away and I’m so grateful I was. Not to him but to the situation.
i too was abused. in the most round about hard to put your finger on way. in the last ten years, it was more obvious. two or three times a year there would be a huge rage. and then the other times things would be ‘ok’ but with guilting, shaming, belittling, gas lighting, neglectful and controlling behaviour from DW.
i had a similar situation, nap. as awful as D day was, it gave me the focus to finally face how bad things had become.
leaving DW is (i say is because i’m still in the house for another couple months while renovating) the scariest thing i ever did. the month after i told him i was sure he would get abusive. well, he didn’t. he has tried to scare me a couple of times, but i’m not taking the bait.
i went for battered wives counselling one time. it was really great. i should go again. the woman i saw didn’t deny (at all) that i had been abused.
i agree victoria, when you are in an abusive relationship the advice ‘just leave the bastard’ isn’t helpful. i found that self care and focusing on me gave me the power i needed to stand up for myself and see clearly what i needed.
it seems that is often the answer to almost any tough personal problem – to take care of oneself.
I have endured mental and emotional abuse throughout most of my marriage. Dday discoveries and information introduced another form of pain and a bit of insight on all of those previous years of pain and confusion. My h has changed everything and is living the “recovery” life. He seems to be sincere. Even though the abuse has stopped I cannot trust and I don’t know how to end this. My h says I’m his anchor and he is afraid to live without me. I understand how paralyzingly this situation can be and my heart breaks for me and all of the women who live in silent fear. Fear of h’s, fear of change, fear of money issues, etc. I have a plan and I hope it gives me the space to think more clearly about this relationship. I’m going to a holistic health program in Sept. in West Palm, FL for nine weeks. My h will be home with my daughter (just graduated from college) and our dogs. He’ll have to take care of himself and sink or swim. I pray I will be able to sort all of this out and live again.
donna, that sounds like a great plan. i’m proud of you, i know how difficult taking these steps can be. you are putting yourself first. which will not only help you, but everyone around you. xo
Yeah, Lisa.
Point is – telling a DV victim she “must” leave is like telling a drowning person they “must” breathe. Not helpful.
I heard this particular way to describe it, after Charles Saatchi publically choked Nigella. It explains it so well.
Victoria, I hope you don’t think that I was trying to say that we should be scolding each other here. And I really hope that my posts to sisters who appear to be in abusive relationships aren’t read as just a simple “Leave that SOB”. I also understand the inner conflict and dilemmas.
Ages ago there was a thread about calling a spade a spade, so I think in that spirit, sometimes painting a picture for another sister is helpful. I realize we are all different, but the tough love I got here and the mirrors of other sisters helped me more than a decade of counseling ever could have.
Anyway, all this was meant with love and compassion. I just see it so clearly now as abuse, and wish I had seen it as such earlier….someone told me minwalla considers SA domestic abuse. just having someone else say it, name it was liberating for me.
He does label it abuse. He also treats the “addict” as an “addict” to begin with. He does not stop there.
He is obviously not perfect but he is pretty darn close 🙂
i think there is a real important distinction to be made here. i do agree that saying ‘just leave the SOB’ may not be useful advice to an abused partner.
it is more that it seems wrong that partners in the current SA model are TOLD TO STAY. and guilted into staying. i remember getting advice that i should stay at least a year before making any major decisions. i don’t regret doing that, i think in my case it meant i was strong enough to leave, and DW had SOME recovery so he is less of an asshole. (if you can believe it. he is still an asshole, but nothing like he was. holy shit).
but i didn’t get the message that i should/could leave anywhere but here. the should was here, and the could was from lili at posarc. the message in all the SA books i read, the cosa meetings, the posa meetings SRI, CSATs, and of course from DW was that i SHOULD stay. that i HAD TO. stated sometimes implicitly, sometimes implied, in hidden messages.
seems bonnie was saying, who would say any of that to a battered woman. not that we would tell them to leave, but why in the world would anyone tell an abused woman that they have to stay?
Makes us failures again if we don’t stay- if we don’t come through this with our marriages “better than ever”. Like that ever happens.
Anyone that stays actually does have a marriage “better than ever” because they fucking had NO marriage to begin with. It’s a no brainer. If I stay married then it is better because it isn’t hard to get better than ‘he fucks hookers’ and ‘I don’t know it.’ It cannot get WORSE!!
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