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I joined here about a month ago. Was very active my first couple of weeks. Everything I read was so helpful. I have continued to educate myself about these “men”. I am so thankful I found this site and did not get sucked into the sex addiction BS.
I now have a question of financial nature.
We are NOT married, we have 2 young children together 6 & 8. So, of course if I end this, I have no spousal support. For the first time in our 10 year relationship he is making VERY good money. After discovery, we opened a joint checking account where he direct deposits his entire check and I take care of all the bills. I also make decent money, but no where near what he does. I would survive without his financial support, but it would be difficult. I own the home, and I would need to be able to cover all those same expenses should this be the end for he and I.
For the first 8 years of our relationship I carried him so many times as he job hopped, I was always the bread winner. Now, I feel it is turn to provide for me.
I feel we are making some progress and we are meeting with his therapist for the first time together since he began 2 months ago.
I have been feeling as though it might be a good time to bring up some sort of proposal to him of the financial nature. Something that states that should we separate, or if he cheats, that I will receive some financial support for myself and not just the children.
Can this be done legally and hold up in court? Can anyone out there tell me from experience how this works. What is fair? Period of time support would be paid to me, etc…
I’m going to hold his hand to the fire now. I know that how he reacts to this will speak volumes of his true intention for personal change.
p.s. there is no “common law” in the state of ohio.
Any guidance here would be greatly appreciated.
HI Kelly,
smart thinking.
I know some of the women here have done this kind of thing. You need to have an appt with a lawyer.
Also, I recommend you carefully siphon off money from what’s coming in and create your own acct so that you can get this kind of advice privately, and also have a safety stash if you need it.
Once you have the information you could bring it a therapy appt as a safety element for you that will decrease your stress and terror about staying in the relationship.I’m sure some of the other women will know more.
D.boo state of ohio. daisy?
have you spoken with a lawyer yet? if not start booking as many (free) consultations as you can…
Kelly, I think it a bloody wonderful idea. His response will speak volumes about his intentions. Make him put his money where his mouth is. The legal part I do not know BUT Daisy is in Ohio and she is our resident legal brain. I bet if she doesn’t know-she will have a good idea how to find out.
I have been thinking about you. I was pretty sure you were working something out in your own head. We are very glad you found us too.
Karen xThanks Lisa. And Karen thank you. Yes, I had to get back to living. I had to get back to my boys. He’s already taken so much from me, I got very angry and kind of said to myself “enough”. I will not let him take anymore of my life from me. I have been reading, learning, getting a lot of therapy. I needed to take control of the situation, I no longer feel helpless. It sucks. But I won’t turn a blind eye this time.
I will post in the SA forum specifically what has happened later. I have learned some very interesting things. I want to share, but we are still going about our lives, and between sports, work, therapy, going to the gym, vacations, weekend trips with the kids, I have had very limited time.
I hope I hear from Daisy. I just looked around online and have found a lot on “cohabitation agreements”. But of course I want this one to benefit only me and the children and punish him! That might be tough. I get this and that, but he gets nothing;-) Which is what he left me with when he decided to leave us in May 2012 for 6 months.
“…but he gets nothing;-) Which is what he left me with when he decided to leave us in May 2012 for 6 months.”
Kelly, if he could hang you out to dry like that once, there is NO doubt he’ll do it again if push comes to shove. 🙁
Isn’t anything you sign together as an agreement enforcable? Like a contract? Whether you were married or not? That’s why my attorney told me NOT to put my agreement into the divorce proceedings, because if SJ loses his job, again, because of SA activities, he will be able to reduce or stop alimony payments from a divorce (like his first wife’s). I can still enforce my agreement, though, through civil court no matter what his income or job situation. Also, he can’t change the amount if I get a job, cohabitate, or anything else. It’s only 3 years, but it’s in cement.
Hi Kelly. No, there is no common law marriage in Ohio (not anymore). What that means is that you can’t go through a divorce proceeding to terminate your relationship. As you discovered, you can create an enforceable cohabitation agreement and it is an excellent idea for you to do so. Make sure you use an attorney to set it up. Don’t try to do it yourself or use online forms, etc. Since you want to be “punitive” if he violates boundaries, you have to be very careful how it is drafted. Courts look at who created the document and will give more credence to the person who did NOT create it if your SA contests the document at a later date (this is called construing the document against the drafter). You will want it to be drafted VERY carefully so that there is little or no wiggle room for him and so that all the financial aspects and custody/child support issues are locked in. Even though the house is yours since you have lived there together and he has probably contributed at least to some degree to it’s upkeep, you want to make sure that the agreement specifies that the house and all its contents are your sole property both during the relationship and if the relationship ends. Anything that you are willing to let him walk away with (other than his clothes and personal items) should be specified. Cars and any other big ticket items should also be itemized as well.
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