- This topic has 43 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 5 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
So all this talk about treating us like “A Queen” but still doing horrible things behind our backs got me to thinking about my H and how in person he is so detached. He see’s me struggle but “lacks” the skills to reach out to me. The only time he has ever exposed himself was in his cards to me which I’ve kept all because in my days of feeling alone I would reflect back on them to read his love for me. I’m going to copy 3 of them down. These 3 were mailed to me in a sequence after D Day #2 when I was going to leave him. This is mainly for my mental health, but you are welcome to chime in with your thoughts…I will post them in the comments.
My Joy, My Love
When you smile at me, when you truly smile at me, and if I am the cause of that smile, it is as if my heart has been exposed to the elements and in the precarious state I feel no fear. Instead I feel warmth and comfort as if the rays of the sun warmly wrap themselves around it, nurturing it and blanketing it in their warmth and energy.
Your grace and beauty are unparalleled. There is a light emanating from inside you that I am drawn to. It shows through your eyes, your voice and in your movements. And even when you don’t feel pretty, you still are stunningly so. It is because this light makes you so irresistible to me that I can watch you perform the most mundane daily tasks, or even while you sleep, my eyes tracing your elegant curves, taking in the color and texture of your soft supple skin and admiring the perfect shape of your goddess face. I am in awe of the little creations we made. With elements from both of us they grow bright and beautiful. To see them born of your womb has changed my life. In a way a more profoundly than words can ever say. You are the most wonderful mother they could hope for.
Even others are drawn to your dry humor and quick wit. Your outwardly caring and loving affection does not go unnoticed. Some of the darkest moments are lightened when you somehow find the right joke to crack or sincerest comment to make. Your personality is so infectiously wonderful, in fills those areas that I lack on my own, and makes me a better person for being with you.
Even my most intense desires are satisfied by your sexuality. Your erotic mind, sexy figure, and sensual manor leaves me blinded, breathless, and blissful. My skin tingling in ecstasy from head to toes and all regions in between. I long to give you a fraction of the pleasure my body enjoys by sharing yourself with me. I look at you and know love. Love I am blessed to experience. There can be no other for me. I have found my soul mate. I have found the love that authors write about and singers sing about. This is not to say that our journey has been or will always be free of it’s challenges and struggles, but more on that another time for this part is all about the joy you bring me and this love that I want to hold onto for the rest of my days.
My Sadness, My Heartbreak
Mornings are rough as I stare off into the distance unable to stop my mind from wandering into those dark places. Filled with sadness, guilt, loneliness, regret, and heartbreak. And though we talk and laugh throughout the day I cannot shake that we are not as I previously thought we were. Solid in our relationship and sure of our future together. Thoughts of a life without you as my lover torture and haunt me in these early hours.
I think about the tears you shed because of me and my heart breaks a little more each time. Maybe I’m not the first to betray the heart you have such difficulty opening up to others, but the fact that I am the latest on that list will be a burden of guilt and regret that I will carry around for the rest of my days. Some will say I need to let it go and move on. Instead I will use it. But more on that another time…
I mourn the loss of your heart. I never knew how much I bathed in it’s light. Even when I only thought I had it over the last few years. The ignorance that I was held in that sweet love of yours was true bliss. I know I may not deserve it. I want to deserve it again. More on that another time…
I miss us. We were awesome together before I took the wrong path. The best of friends, and the most passionate of lovers. We were everything we had imagined a happy marriage to be. I destroyed that.
That I am not a part of the joy and fun you experience apart from me saddens me like you will never know. We were always able to enjoy the company of our friends independent from one another, but more often than not we chose to include each other because of the closeness we enjoyed. We used to be inseparable and now I need to be escaped from for you to experience moments of uncomplicated happiness. I suppose this is understandable given the bitter sweetness that I represent when you look upon me.
You said you forgave me long ago, but I know the hurt was so great within you that you had to convince us both of that to survive and move forward. Meanwhile you were building walls around your heart that would make it impossible for me to hurt you like that again. But those walls also make it impossible to let my immense love for you back in and to ever return to where we once lived and thrived.
For all of this I doubt I will ever be able to forgive myself. Even if we can make it through I will carry the pain, which will be worth it if any of the pain can be lifted from you. But I will leave that for the last part for this part is about sadness.
Feeling conflicted and Jenny I am laughing…I’m only on #2…there is one more novel I need to post and then you can all gag.
sounds like a soliloquy to himself. i wonder if he recited them in front of a mirror while he watched his expression. 🙂
(hope you don’t mind me having a little fun with this…)
My Hope, Our Future Together…
In the evening and on the weekends I can almost glimpse it. When we share a laugh together or a tender embrace in each others arms. It is a glimpse at a possible future. One where we are doing many of the things we currently enjoy. We talk and laugh. We kiss and make love. But in this future the sadness and heartbreak are behind us. We no longer look back upon darker times, but look forward to the future of our beautiful family. Accepting the challenges and reaping the rewards of parenthood. While our hearts and souls intermingle completely open to one another.
I will still carry the scars of past guilt and regret with me. But I will use these scars to remind myself of the consequences of my actions. That one cannot easily control what one feels or desires, but true character is in the actions we take or do not take because of or more importantly in spite of these feelings and desires. It is where we direct our energies that shape our futures and all the while, to have someone with whom your soul is linked to in the most profound way to discuss and be open about these feelings instead of burying them somewhere only to have the negative manifestations represent themselves in unpredictable ways.
I want to be that man of character. That man you can be proud of and love inside and out. A man you have the utmost respect for and who has the utmost respect for you. I want to be that man you can have complete trust in, and know that you are completely trusted as well. A man you want our son to grow up like and one like who you hope our daughter one day marries. I want to be that man who deserves your open heart.
I glimpse at that possible future and smile, seeing the happy and humorous aspects of the things we’ve talked about. Of you lovingly snapping your fingers at me to get you a glass of wine. Of me and you growing old watching our children grow up and have families of their own for us to spoil. Not everything will be perfect I understand. Our health will one day fail us, but we will have each others love to get us through. Tragedy may strike but we will still have each others support to rely upon. Difficult times will come and go but through it all we will love each other with all of our hearts and for ever.
I would like to add that he wrote these while were in marriage counceling AND he was still fucking strange women but I didn’t know this until a year ago when he came completely clean and said he never stopped. I guess he shouldn’t be surprised that I’m going to ask for a divorce. I mean how can you believe anything he says when he wrote such profound words of trust, love and honesty while he was still acting out.
I agree, Lisa. It sounds very affected. He seems to be quite impressed with himself. (“To see them born of your womb…”? “now I need to be escaped from you”? Who talks like that?)
Oh Sierra, My Sister, My god! When you read this blather, how do you keep the sour chyme in your stomach from heaving up your elegant esophagus and out your goddess mouth?
Sienna – don’t be surprised if he acts surprised. These guys are brilliant at being (or is it acting?) delusional. I finally said to my h. last night “I want a divorce” (this is after dropping major hints the past 2+ months) and he still claims to have hope for us and is “not ready to throw in the towel”. Whatev!
The sad thing Teri is when I got them originally I was so sad and torn and obviously believed the harlequin novels he was writing to me. After I got full disclosure a year ago I pulled them out and read them and got pissed. Little did he know that they would be used against him as my proof that I could never trust him again.
I bet ya all didn’t know that goddesses have SA hubby’s too. Ha haI know him well enough to know that he will be surprised and will hold onto hope for a future where we frolic in the sun and sand holding hands forever and ever. Just as he knew me well enough to write stuff that would tug at my heart and my loyalty for my family. He claims that he doesn’t want me to stay just for the kids but he knows very well that is what I have done and he is happy to have his intact family whether I’m happy or not.
So happy for you FC..I know it’s not easy to say and I’m just waiting on my apt with the attorney tomorrow to see what I’m looking at before I drop the bomb.Sierra,
You gave him the benefit of the doubt when you got them, took them at face value, it sounds like. It is sad, Sierra. He has no apparent appreciation for you as a person, just as an extension of whatever crazy ass world he has going on in his head. He is quite the drama queen- are you sure he’s not gay? 🙂
Thanks, Sierra. It sounds like we are in similiar situations although all I got from my h. (about 6 months post D-Day) is a 5 point bullet list of what makes me so special (I had asked the previous day for “what specifically makes me special to you that you want to hold on so tightly to me?” and the list is the response I got b/c he couldn’t think of anything off the top of his head, he needed time to think of things). Anyway, I think I’m going to have to tell him “I want a divorce” about a million more times before he gets it but saying it once (well actually twice last night) feels like a breakthrough. And while I’m still considering trying the collaborative divorce route, that may not be an option from the basic standpoint that I may have to file & have his served for him to know I’m serious.
No one could follow those streams of consciousness. I’m so glad my SA doesn’t write letters!! Unless, of course, you count the chicken soliloquy.
Delusional, they are delusional. And it is really hard to break through that, you are right, Christine. They cling to it like there’s no tomorrow.
I asked dr. e what made me special, back in the day when he was in “recovery”. After waiting a really long time (days I think) and then finally asking him at a marriage counseling session to get an answer, I got “Your cooking, how you work so hard around here, how you take care of the kids…” He was describing how he liked the maid service I provided! He has his own delusional world, but it wasn’t about watching my light and elegant curves while I did the mundane tasks. He liked that I did ’em so he didn’t have to!
I swear Sierra, I think he copied bits and pieces from a love letters book and just stuck a few personal references in to make it seem legit. No one uses language like that. Totally sounded like something from the 1800’s. But I guess he at least went to the effort of cutting and pasting as opposed to Christine’s bullet list or Teri’s “you provide good maid service.” What a bunch of schmucks.
Sierra – they were something else! But more about that later – WTF?
I once asked mine why he still wanted the marriage and his response was, “I love you like no other.”
That was it. One short line of bull shit.
He should have finished the sentence, “I love you like no other woman I have fucked so far, but I’m trying my best to find one I will love even more.”Sierra, is your husband by any chance a creative writing professor somewhere? Those letters are so flowery, they seem like creative fiction. I totally would have fallen for them and cherished every one of them. I’m sure you are lovely and amazing, but why can’t these guys just write real stuff? It’s a little crazy making. My husband is a broker, I didn’t save any of the stuff he wrote, his “love letters” sounded like financial documents mixed with legalese. Surely there is a happy medium called reality somewhere?
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.