Home › discussions › Dating › Red flags with man I am dating
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August 22, 2013 at 3:42 pm #8064lynng2Participant
Ok, is this red flags or me being triggered?
Have gone out with this man several times, and I like him. But he’s said a few things that sent me into another room to catch my breath and I’m thinking about just dropping this altogether.
Once, at the farm when a girl volunteer said she’d leave the door to the bathroom in her unit open so people could use the restroom because the other was occupied, he said jokingly “What makes you think that’s all I’d do?” My mind went bad places, everyone else laughed.
When we were getting coffee at a bookstore he said “I like my women like I like my coffee, hot and black.” I just turned around and walked away and didn’t look back, He had to come find me. I told him I lacked the proper pigmentation and he just looked down. We’ve had a lunch, and then a dinner and concert date since then with nothing said that triggered me.
This morning he came to fix a faucet at my house, and I served him coffee and he started his coffee comment again, and then he stopped himself on the last words seeing my face and apologized and tried to backpedal with “Well, you’ll never forget how I take my coffee, will you?” and I said, “No, I’ll never forget the first four words of that statement, never”. It was a very, very cold moment and so early on it might make this thread a futile inquiry.
We went to the hardware store and were trying to find the right faucet he held up a set and said “Well, if these don’t fit we could use them as a torture device,” and my blood went out of my head and I almost fainted right there. Then I got so angry I was seeing red and couldn’t catch my breath. His back was turned, because he was looking over parts, so he didn’t notice. I picked up one and held it to his groin and said “Here’s one your size, Honey”. I KNOW my voice was razor sharp because another man on the aisle looked up in alarm and backed away. Geez, I am a public menace now.
My date just backed up saying “Now hold on just a minute” and pushed my hand away, then kept looking over parts. I walked around the store and found him at the register when he was done. I was physically sick. His aunt called him when we were in the car saying she was coming over to his place, (he said, who knows, he could have asked someone to call and rescue him from psycho bitch while we were apart). We got home, he changed the faucet in about 5 mins, and left with a cursory hug and “I’ll call you later”.
I have been true to my feelings on this, and asked one date to leave when picking me up because he made a joke about porn before we had even left. Another really fabulous man I told I wouldn’t see because it seemed his primary focus was getting me in bed (which I would have LOVED, thank you, but not so fast and how about a conversation?)
Is it just me? Are those comments really red flags? I can’t believe I’m asking this, I should know, for me. I should just know.
August 22, 2013 at 3:48 pm #105077lizaParticipantCreep alert, creep alert… NEXT!!
August 22, 2013 at 3:52 pm #105078lynng2ParticipantSigh
🙁
Yeah
August 22, 2013 at 3:57 pm #105079marchParticipantNext! Sorry, Lynn.
August 22, 2013 at 4:06 pm #105080lizaParticipantYeah Lynn, I don’t know WHICH red flag to begin with. He’s completely disrespectful at the least (saying that remark to the girl in FRONT of you, using that oh so hilarious coffee ‘joke’ – not once but TWICE after he saw your reaction), and smarmy at worst (totally inappropriate remark to make to anyone about the bathroom – but especially to a – I’m guessing – much younger woman.). And then that whole ‘torture’ device remark and the pushing your hand away…. Vomit inducing. RUN LYNN RUN!
August 22, 2013 at 4:11 pm #105081lynng2ParticipantYeah, I shoulda known. Well, I guess I did. If you have to ask, right?
Sigh 🙁
August 22, 2013 at 4:19 pm #105082daisy1962MemberActually you just said what I was thinking as I read your post, Lynn. If you have to ask, you already know the answer. Run like Hell Lynn!
August 22, 2013 at 4:26 pm #105083teriParticipantHooray, Lynn! Your gut is working just fine! You just have to trust it now!
August 22, 2013 at 4:41 pm #105084feelingconflictedParticipantYou may have a much stronger reaction than most women in these situations given your past experience but if any good can come of this shit, it’s that you cut right through the BS. At worst, you’re not giving a “good guy” enough of a chance; at best, you are avoiding another SJ in your life.
If you come to the conclusion that it’s you and you’re just “trigger happy” (which I don’t think is the case here, the guy just sounds like a bit of a jerk), then maybe you put dating on-hold until you feel less triggered. But hey, at least you got your leaky faucet fixed out of the deal!
August 22, 2013 at 4:44 pm #105085lynng2Participant🙂 I did, didn’t I?
August 22, 2013 at 5:02 pm #105086marchParticipantI would amend what FC said to, “At worst, you’re not giving a ‘disappointingly ordinary’ guy a chance.” You deserve better.
August 22, 2013 at 5:12 pm #105087teriParticipantGood guys don’t say they like their coffee like their women. What a dick.
August 22, 2013 at 5:36 pm #105088dianeParticipantI agree. There’s nothing there you want besides a cheap plumber.
August 22, 2013 at 5:38 pm #105089anniemMemberWay too oogy, Lynn. Your instincts are bang on. Run, girl. xoxo
August 22, 2013 at 6:02 pm #105090jennyMemberYeah, I have to agree; don’t go out with this one again. Wait until he’s *comfortable* with you, and you can imagine what’ll come out of that mouth! This is his best foot forward and he already creeps you out? Thank you, but no.
August 22, 2013 at 6:08 pm #105091lynng2ParticipantI like “oogy”, never heard it. If I say I’m sorry but this is too “oogy”, he’ll probably be so confused he won’t ask further questions about why I won’t go out with him.
Or I could just say it’s “Because your commentary indicates you objectify women and I’ve been there, done that, and moving on to better things.”
August 22, 2013 at 7:33 pm #105092anniemMemberYou don’t owe him any explanations, Lynn. I’d just send an email saying this isn’t working out, have a nice life, and then block his number from your phone. I think you sisters who are dating are damn brave. So many creepy crawlers out there, apparently. xoxo
August 22, 2013 at 8:00 pm #105093napParticipantI would drop him like a hot potato and never look back. You deserve a respectful man this guys a loser!!!
August 22, 2013 at 8:59 pm #105094972MemberHe’s a grown man commenting with that stupid coffee line twice??? Adios creep.
August 22, 2013 at 9:58 pm #105095lynng2ParticipantUgh, this physical response to stuff is the pits. Been asleep most of the day. I think I am ready to do EMDR. Gotta do something. Can’t spend the next two days in bed whenever someone makes crude jokes. I don’t even feel that emotionally upset at all, but the brain fog, aching, headache and shortness of breath are killer. Blah. Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck. Blah.
August 22, 2013 at 10:06 pm #105096kmfMemberHe “likes his women like his coffee, black and hot.” WHY would ANY man say that to a woman on a date when the woman is white?? He is either a creep or stupid or both. Next. Sorry Lynn. 🙁
August 22, 2013 at 10:18 pm #105097sickoftryingParticipantLynn did you date my husband?
August 23, 2013 at 12:19 am #105098cbslifeMemberI don’t like him. Don’t see him anymore, okay? 🙂
August 23, 2013 at 12:29 am #105099arleighburkeMemberStay far, far away from him. He’s a slimeball. Sorry you’ve been feeling so rotten. Your instincts are dead on and it’s the same way you’d react if you walked by rotting road kill.
August 23, 2013 at 12:49 am #105100lynng2ParticipantAwake again, and thank you all for validating my gut response. I took a short walk with him near the school where I had to go to my son’s orientation tonight. I told him that I was not going to be available, and please know I’m just taking care of myself in healing. Not to take it personally.
Was that enabling? What am I saying. I hardly know the guy, my input is worth zip in the scheme of his life. Second guessing myself still, I see.
Girly version of “It’s not you, it’s me”, I guess. Wimpy. Oh well.
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