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I joined SOS in the spring and have found your posts very helpful. Thanks so much. The main problem I’m having is that my H doesn’t seem to be like all the others. We’ve been together for 20 yrs and since the day I met him he acts as if i’m the best thing in his life. He says I am the best person he knows and wishes he were more like me. He has never put me down. In fact, he compliments me every chance he gets. The first time I found out about his other life was back in 2008. I woke up Thanksgiving morning and saw he had a dating profile on a gay personal website. He forgot to log off..I investigated more and of course uncovered tons and tons of crap. More profiles, e-mails galore etc…I forgave him and fast forward to 2009 found more e-mails and he was writing to a woman in Africa! She would send him naked pics which I printed out and threw on the bed so he couldn’t deny it when I confronted him. He still denied it!! We were able to work through it somehow. Mostly because he told me the only way we can move on is if I let it go and bury it. I tried hard to bury it. I swear!! In March 2013 I started getting those feelings again. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. He kept saying I was imagining things and I really need to trust him and stop this once and for all. All the while, he would grocery shop for us, polish my toenails, would put stuffed animals on the bed for me, leave notes around the house, cover me with a blanket while watching tv and the list goes on and on. He has not wavered in 20 yrs! If anything, when we fight I’m the one with the trash mouth. I can say some pretty hurtful things; but not him. He’s sympathetic and understanding. We’ve been separated for 6 months now. I’m living in the house and he has been living in his office. He won’t get a condo because he feels it will be the end of us and he doesn’t want that. Everyday, he tells me he loves me and he knows how sick he was. He swears he’s changed. Until this last time I took him back every time and never told anyone. I warned him repeatedly I would tell everyone and wouldn’t keep his dirty secret. So I told them all what he has done. He has apologized to the family but tells them he understands if they don’t want him in their lives. He doesn’t have another woman, go to strip clubs, hookers etc. His thing is the internet…personal ads such as Craigs List, Gay Personals etc.. He claims he doesn’t want another woman. It’s not even about the sex. “It’s about them wanting him.” His own words. He also said that it makes him feel in control. Am I a total chump if I even consider giving him another chance?
DawnElaine, there isn’t really any easy way to say this so I’m just going to be straight with you. First, there is no “norm” with these guys; they come in all sizes and shapes and personalities. Some, like mine and yours, remain nice guys who love us and do all sorts of nice things for us. Mine planned a wonderful trip to San Francisco and Napa for us to celebrate my 50th birthday. We would have left six weeks after DDay if I hadn’t found out what I found out. Mine too told me (and still tells me) every day that he loves me. He told me recently that he never stopped finding me desirable. We went for walks together and held hands. We loved being together, talking about our day, holding hands, etc. All the while he was obsessing about porn and fucking strippers. If it was just porn or just Craigs List ads, it wouldn’t make any difference to me. He still broke his promise to be faithful to me, destroyed my trust in him and broke the hearts of our children. Everything else you wrote is straight out of the SA playbook. Telling you to get over it, telling you you’re imagining things (gaslighting), swearing he’s changed. That IS the norm!
If you want to give him another chance we’ll all be here for you. Do I think you’re being a chump in the sense that Chump Lady uses the term. Sorry, but yes I do. I see nothing in your post that makes your H any different than the other lying, deceiving SAs we know so well.
Hugs,
DaisyThe short answer is yes you are a chump. I am guessing that is not what you want to hear. So, take him back and give him another chance. If you need to do that then it’s okay. We will be here for you whether it works out or not.
I don’t post all the things my h does for me. He tucks me in, brings my water with the straw in the color that I like. He cleans the kitchen when I cook and he goes for take out when I don’t feel like it. He taxi’s the kids around. He never says a word about money I spend. He is accountable for his time, his money, and his actions. He tells me twice a day ( at least) that he loves me and how sorry he is. He signed legal papers assuring my financial security. He offers to take a polygraph at any time….etc
None of that means that what he did to me is okay.
Has your H had intensive therapy to get to the bottom of WHY he needed some skank to “want” him. We all know those internet gals did not truly want him. He is/was delusional. Has he done the work to figure out exactly what his problem is? If so, then what is his plan to avoid these behaviors in the future? Are you comfortable and sure about his plan? If you are then go for it. Take him back and see what happens. Hope for the best BUT be sure you are prepared for the worst. Good luck and I hope he is sincere.
Ty Daisy and Bev…i needed to hear it from you. I need that kick in the ass. My son usually does that but he’s in Maine for a week so i’m on my own. And guess what? He’s autistic and knows right from wrong. He’s 29 on Sept 5, and tells me all the time that my H is not what I think.
Bev, you cut right to the chase and I love you for that. In my heart, I already know the truth and for some stupid reason I cling and cling and I cling! I believe it’s mostly out of fear and I suspect i’m right.
Thanks Daisy for telling me the straight out truth. I’m so used to being lied to that this is refreshing.
It’s okay DawnE. We all understand. If you truly need the ‘one more time’ to just see what happens then it is okay. I mean, so what ,we are a chump? Just be prepared 🙂
After hearing your responses there is no ‘one more time’. I was feeling weak and needed the rallying of the troops! So glad I found you. I’m hearing more and more that there are no coincidences and that I was guided here. I believe it..
Dawnelaine,
You gotta do what you gotta do. We all did what we hadda do.
But if telling our stories could short cut anybody’s pain, that would be a good outcome.I too, don’t know what “norm” is besides being deceptive, a liar, delusional, and selfish. I think most of these guys are at least that.
But it does sound like yours is willing to keeping painting your toenails as long as you put up with his infidelity, high risk behaviours, lying, disrespect, etc.
honey, I’ll send you money for a manicure.
I keep thinking that someone will say “Oh, yes! My husband is different! He really was not like the rest! Well, sadly he showed up at my door and had 3 bottles of Kendall Jackson wine in his arms. just 20 minutes ago..said he misses the old times with us and wants me to experience it. We used to sit on the porch and talk.
Sadly Dawnelaine your H very much fits ‘the profile’ – he has perhaps mastered the art of deflection to a greater degree than others however, his dishonesty is pretty transparent at this point. Believe yourself and what you see not what he does and says – it has been unreliable for longer than anyone, including him, even knows. His desperation to ‘not change things up’ is also pretty classic – he sounds like he could go off the deep end – you are much better off drinking alone (and 3 bottles is a clue to his overboardness – SOS also stands for save one-self (I took a liberty with that:-)
Oh sweet girl my husband has waited on me hand and foot for 29 years.. I was convinced he never even noticed other woman!!!! No issues with hookers, strip clubs but oh baby Im married to the King of Porn!!! 99% of the porn on TV. Internet was used for Maxim, Sports Illustrated and FHM. But the porn issues was out if control!!! Getting up in the middle of the night and masturbating to porn in the basement, family room, kitchen etc… I had no idea!!! And he womanized for all 29 years of our marriage ( and way before that). He would bring his images into the shower and masturbate. He used porn images to have sex with me. Now he begs me to give him one more chance. He says he knows he does not know how to bond and loved deeply ( childhood issues). That he can’t lose me!!! What ever.. Should of thought about that 29 years ago. I honestly don’t think there is a norm for SA..they are all liars, manipulator s and ass wipes!!!
Ditto! My H treated me like a queen 90% of the time…..long walks and sailing on the lake, coffee in bed in the mornings, backrubs whenever I needed one, “I love you’s” numerous times a day, roses often, great coaching and playing with the kids (just unfortunately, emotionally remained a kid), 3 week trip to France in June, 5 star hotels, fine dinners, etc…I actually enjoyed being around him when I agreed 100% with his ideas and let him be fully in charge of everything (especially what we thought and felt)…the King! If I ever had a different opinion that made him look weak and then he would turn. Just as soon as I would “catch on” to the game and manipulation, he would turn into Mr. nice guy again. Crazy-making stuff!!!!! Realizing now that emotional abuse was way more damaging to me than the porn….all so, sad!!! could have been really good, but he screwed that up!
Dawnelaine, I am new here too and agree how incredible it is to have the support of sisters who get it and speak real truth….Hoping you, as well as I, remain in a clear place and make wise decisions through all this.
If a husband treats you nicely in between lying to you and seeking and having sex with other people and betraying you and exposing you to deadly diseases and keeping information from you that you need in order to make good choices about your own life….I think that makes him several steps worse that whatever “normal” is. At least the husbands who ignore us or blame us or aren’t nice in so many ways are being consistent.
Dawn I’m so sorry but I do agree with the other sisters in that his behaviour is no different to the other sa’s The only difference I see in your husband is that he isn’t seeking help. Am I correct? Xx
DE,
When my xh wasn’t being a passive aggressive abusive prick he treated me like gold. He’d bring me tea and honey to bed, buy me flowers, expensive jewelry, make breakfast, he painted my toe nails a couple times, clean my car, surprise me with something………..unfortunately they were just crumbs, and boy did I gobble them up like a starving refugee…..“everything would be alright if you just bury it and move on? Good grief. He is JUST like the rest of them…always trying to bury an elephant underneath the living room carpet. In some ways I agree he is even sicker…being so nice and then stabbing you in the back. Guess you have decide if you would rather paint your own toe nails and have a husband who is faithful, or go with the status quo. hugs Karen
Hi, DawnElaine,
My SA never mistreated me or put me down either, and like you, if we had a fight, it was usually me who started it. In fact, my strongest complaint about him was that he seemed detached, even when he was complimenting me or showing affection, but I shrugged it off as either just a quirk of his, or that I was expecting too much. I’m just really sorry for what you’re going through. It’s like these guys have split personalities. It changes everything about what we thought was real. I’m really glad you found this site though. xoxo
Dawn, I am so glad you posted this. It helps us to remember that not all abuse is the overt kind with the name calling and the yelling. Unfortunately, even though it comes in a prettier package, it is still abuse. This is my husband. Instead of the whole world asking me “how do you put up with him, he’s such an asshole”, I have the whole world saying “your husband is so wonderful and attentive, I wish my husband treated me like a queen like yours does.” It sucks. I want to scream at them “yes, he does the dishes in between fucking transvestites and scouring the internet for more porn – isn’t he fabulous?” The gaslighting is still the same. Even though it may be said more gently, the message is still the same – YOU’RE crazy. I was on anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds for years because I thought I was delusional – only to find out I was right about every. single. thing. As far as taking him back, what is he willing to do to change? If the answer isn’t EVERYTHING – go away for treatment, counseling, turn every control over to you, etc. – then don’t even entertain the idea. Then you have to ask yourself: How will you handle it when he “slips” (because he will), what happens when he quits all of the above (because he will)? It sounds like your son has his number, and your best interests at heart.
DE – he is just like all the rest of them. I am so sorry. I believe we have all thought ours was “different” only to realize that they are just as bad as every other one out there (except maybe dr.e) and that they all use the same tactics of manipulating, gas lighting, passive aggressive comments, lying, lying and more lying. Otherwise they are all great guys. That’s why we married them!
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