Gallery tomorrow

Diane, I ideally would like less stress. I am more in a better place at the moment, compared to the past, which is great and I don’t want to jeopardize that, because it’s taken a long time and hard work to get to this place. So in a way, I am somewhat hoping she isn’t there tomorrow — even though I feel guilty saying that, and I am certainly not a selfish person.

However, if I do see her there tomorrow, how do I look at her and not cry? Having been through this myself, I feel a duty and responsibility to tell her, for her own safety. I have known about Paul’s dark side for 2 years now. The first year, it completely tore me apart. The second year, I accepted I couldn’t do anything as these was no viable way to contact her without going through him. However, I feel complicit in the deceit and that doesn’t feel right.

I also understand the risks. She may not even believe me, even if I was able to provide her with the proof that I saw. Yes, we absolutely respond and react in different ways.

She may know a small portion of my story, but I am not sure. It’s so sad. She is younger than me. Incredibly beautiful. I feel so angry he has done this to her.

Monet’s paintings are so breathtaking in real life. The exhibition was beautiful.

Very grounding for me and also mesmerizing. I was in pure awe by the fact his real works were right in front of me. More than 60 paintings. It’s a collaboration with the Musée Marmottan Monet Paris. It also included rare photos, and they had Monet’s palette, pipe, and glasses there.

Catherine, if I go to France again, I will definitely visit his garden.

Part of the exhibition, they had a film installation entitled ‘The Last Day at Giverny’. Displayed in a room on a massive round circular screen. The way it was done — panoramic all around you, showing his garden and house from sunrise to sunset with relaxing sounds and music — it really felt like I was transported there. So soothing. I didn’t want to leave.

She wasn’t there! I was looking out for her, but didn’t see her. I was prepared to introduce myself. Beyond that, I’m not sure what I would have said in the moment.

Now I have all the good stuff out, I’ll explain what else happened.

I pushed myself to go — so glad I did. I have been in pain with bruised ribs, which feel like they’re broken. And in the morning before the gallery, I felt so stressed out. Thinking about everything. Then it triggered anxiety and pain regarding my own SA’s involvement with the receptionist. “Did I know the full extent? Did he have a physical affair with her too? He often said to me he was staying back at work to play table tennis with Paul — was that real?” I started worrying sick. It’s times like that which remind me how much I need the polygraph, so I can cope better when triggered about the past, rather than getting pulled under by all these questions and endless possibilities that I don’t know the answers to. I hadn’t been affected by this Jackie stuff in months.

Once I arrived at the gallery, I felt so much better. I immersed myself in the paintings and connected to the history.

Once I came home in the evening, though, I felt deeply sad and cried. I was thinking how these motherfuckers trade butterflies for dog shit.

If I go again tonight, she might be there. In the future, though, finding a way to let her know anonymously would be good. Even if she doesn’t believe it, at least I will feel released from the feelings, and know that I tried my best. Problem is, the evidence leads back to my SA, so it might be obvious it’s from me anyway — it’s facebook and phone communication between him and Paul, discussing Jackie. Making it even more complicated, they also always used a code name when referring to her, they called her “one eye” something to do with her car plates. So Rebecca might be a bit confused by that.

Paul and Jackie would kiss at work, so most people there knew about it. Mainly men, so they all protected him and each other’s cheating. Although there is a women, Julie, who knew about it too and still works there. Paul left on bad terms, and I assume she would have no problem talking about it. Perhaps if I ever contact Rebecca, I could say the best person to talk to about this would be Julie.

She’s already invested more than 6 years into him and her relationship. I recently saw a photo of them on his facebook, she looked so happy with such brightness in her eyes. It crushed me — knowing what I know. I saw my pre d-day self in her.

Even though we never met throughout the years my SA and Paul were working together, I felt we were similar in ways — both Italian, and good girlfriends who believed our boyfriends were truly good people. We put up with their safety risks on a dangerous job, and put up with them travelling together and being away a lot.

Makes me think now about how much I always worried about my SA throughout those years. He clearly never worried about me. It’s such a huge contrast — how can they be so careful and safety conscious with their jobs, yet so careless and wreckless with our lives.

My perceptions about men have been changed so widely partly because I learned most of his male co-workers cheated too and were involved in similar sex shit. I was so fooled and naive about the culture — I thought they were all family men, and that my SA was just the bad apple.

Catherine, that must have been very uncomfortable for you. Yeah, I can’t say I understand how single random sex equals “living” compared to a good relationship with a beautiful partner. His friends have it backwards — but then again I am female. Hopefully James will meet a wonderful girl and start a new relationship.

In the past 4 months, I have discovered a handful of good men who exist, but I guess I still question if it’s perhaps just a veneer. However, I think concerns about the current/future state of men in our society are valid, and certainly not just due to hypervigilence. I don’t believe all men are sex addicts. Across the general population, though, the issues are sadly not limited to a small percentage of bad seeds. It’s a much bigger problem.