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I asked my H to leave 4 days ago. He is living in our rv for now. I agreed to have him come home for dinner to minimize the effect on his moving out for our 4 kids. He came over after work and started hysterically crying and saying he can’t work. He needs time off. He is losing his mind. I feel empathy but I refuse to participate in trying to fix this for him. He says the counselor can’t see him for a month and the insurance won’t pay for the specialist he wants. I said if you are having a crisis call your old sa sponsor or call some of the people you knew at SA meeting. Call a crisis hotline. I feel empathy for him, but I am so hardened. Am I being too hard? Or is he trying to suck me back into his junk again? I do believe he is in crisis because this time after 8 years of begging and crying and missed couseling appointments and SA meeting that were not him, I finally pulled the plug and said get out. What do you all think? Help. Please.
I think that it’s really understandable to want to believe them. When I finally pulled the plug on my SA and told him to get out he also “had anxiety attacks” and claims he passed out at work. I was so fortunate that I still had access to his email at the time. At the exact time he was messaging me about an anxiety attack he was emailing a new BDSM group and telling them how excited he was about starting this new adventure with them. He put on a really convincing show in person and by text. I was telling him breathe breathe. It was all an act. They are frighteningly good at acting like humans.
you are not being too hard.
he is trying to suck you back into his junk again.
you are doing the exact right thing. he needs to get help from his support group. he needs to help himself. we can’t do it for them. hugs, sister.
I agree with the others, Monique, it’s a manipulation tactic. Is he really having panic attacks? Possibly. But I would be willing to bet the minute you give in one inch, all of sudden those “panic” attacks will go away. The weekend before my h. finally agreed to move out was hell – he was literally curled up in a ball crying one minute, yelling at me the next, telling me that we had a “special connection”, you name it. I would go into a conversation with him convinced that I needed him to move out but an hour later, I would be thinking “well, maybe he’s right, we can work this out this time”. I’d go to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night and think “what the fuck just happened?” I could not get clarity until I was away from him for at least a few hours. I was reading Dr. Simon’s Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing at the time (if you haven’t read it, get a copy TODAY!) and looked through and realized he used all 8 manipulation tactics in one conversation! Until I could name it for what it was – manipulation – I just thought it was me and I would feel guilty/bad for not being more supportive. But once I realized that this was all part of the larger SA strategy, it all became so much clearer. And it was that much clearer to know what to do. It is not easy but first & foremost, you have to cut them off at the pass. You cannot let them suck you in. That is one of the reasons why I suggested in another post that you taper back on the dinners. Tell him unless he can pull himself together, you will no longer have him over for dinner. Plain & simple. Remember, Monique, he had 8 fucking years to do the right thing. And guess what? He didn’t! Now he knows you are serious so now all of sudden he is beating down the door to get into counseling? Ugh that makes me so angry!!! These guys will do the bare minimum to give the appearance of “recovery” and the more pressure you put on them, they will up the anty. But where is the willingness to do this on their own free will? It’s only after they get caught and after they know their wives are through do they suddenly wake up and want to get better.
Thank you thank you thank you all. It is so incomprehensible the lengths they will go to. I did tell him he had to get it together because he was traumatizing the kids and if he couldn’t then maybe he needs to stay away until he becomes more stable. I had never seen such a crying fit from him before. Oh, he always cried and professed great shame and such sorrow. Bullshit. For 8 years I was in turmoil. I cried and thought I was losing my mind. I did not have the luxury of a breakdown. I had babies to nurse and diaper and a house to run. I had kids to school and laundry to do. Thanks for the reality check. It helps so much to know that others have had the master manipulators try the same shit.
I agree with the sisters. He may be actually having anxiety attacks but it is because the party is over. Just like a child begs to stay up “just 30 more minutes…PLLLLEEEEEEASE. I promise I won’t be grouchy in the morning….”. Okay, we have all fallen for that.
You gave him 8 years. Enough is enough. I will also say that IF he is to EVER get help then you must stop propping him up. I only venture to talk about the idea of him getting real help for the sake of your children in the future……
Monique, do not let him pull that crap in front of the kids. I don’t think I’d advise having him over at all at this point bc that will confuse your kids, but that’s your call. But if you are going to let him come around, he needs to know if that happens in front of the kids, game over.
It is not all about him and he needs to stop acting like it is.
That’s my opinion.Monique do you get up every morning, give your children the breakfast, wash the clothes, clean the house, supervise homework and make dinner? Tell him to go have his breakdown in the privacy of his RV and get up and go to work like a normal, responsible person does. Sorry I’m being harsh Monique but I think you have so much on your plate you do not have the time or emotional capacity to deal with his nervous breakdown. Xx
These anxiety attacks remind me of when I first started taking my son to pre-school when he was 2 years old. Oh my God, you would have thought I was trying to kill him with the blood curdling screams and reaching out for me. They would hold him back so I could leave for work. As soon as I got to the office I would call (no cell phones back then). And every time they would tell me that I wasn’t even out of the parking lot when he stopped crying. It’s anxiety, for sure, but the show is all to make you feel guilty and come back.
He is on the floor in Toys R Us demanding 10 power ranger figures – leave him down there and go and have a pedicure – if he runs out into the street and gets hit by a bus it won’t be your responsibility just as his philandering is not – not harsh Catherine – true!
I think you did the right thing Monique. If we give these guys an inch they take a mile. Mine used to ball like a baby and it was all a ploy, to get what he wanted. I think you are being smart not to be manipulated by his ‘pity’ card. It’s in the playbook I’m sure.
Yep. After I told him he had to stop or leave he, took our son to get a pair of pants. While there he called a friend and talked to him (or so he said) but no trace of the hissy fit. He sat down, ate homemade fried chicken, laughed and joked with the kids and left. THANK GOD. He asked why I didn’t answer my phone earlier. I said If I don’t answer, leave a voicemail. Or text. I’ll get back to you. He said “don’t you want to talk to me?” I said “not particularly and only if necessary, just text me.” Boundaries have always been my weak point.
Holy smokes FC..every time I read a comment from you it seems more and more we are married to the same guy. My H has said to me that “we have something special” to which I replied would you say the same thing to our daughter if she was married to a man like you? Ugh
Monique you are normal and like me. I have serious boundary issues and it’s really something I need to work on.If he is so distraught about the loss of his family, why is he calling a friend when he takes his son to get a pants?
What a bunch of babies. For heaven’s sake, can they think of nothing but fake emotional breakdowns? How many times have I seen that? Good for you, Monique. Set the boundary and keep it. He’ll learn. Or you’ll get tired of his pre-adolescent behavior and quit giving him chances.
Sierra – so true! I see so much of my h. in your h. and your situation. If I hadn’t finally gotten him to leave last April, he would still be here, living in the guest room, holding on to any little shred of hope that we could regain our “special connection”. Btw, I have Bev to thank for not letting him know I wanted a divorce until after he moved out. (Thank you, Bev!) I had read a post of hers when I first joined SOS about how a lawyer said to make sure they are out of the house before you file for divorce. I filed that tid-bit of information away and even though I pretty much knew where this was headed, I never let on that him leaving wasn’t more than a “trial separation”. He, now, of course, likes to throw that back in my face and say I knew in April that I wanted a divorce. Technically that is not true b/c I wasn’t as sure as I am today but the sense of relief I had after he moved out was palpable and I feel more certain every single day since then that divorce is the only option for us. But even if it was true – who the fuck cares? The gall he has to be mad about that when he lied to me about so many things over the years? (not to mention all the hookers he slept with). Unbelievable!
You are not hardened. You are fed up. It’s time. He caused it. Keep reminding yourself of that. You did an excellent job of staying disengaged, offering alternatives to his cries of crisis and not getting sucked back in.
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