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Yes, it’s a cheery post!
I was just thinking about the other post talking about anti-depressants etc. and how everyone worries about SA’s being suicidal but I don’t often hear about partners being suicidal.But, on my bad days, I feel like it would be okay to just go to sleep that night and be finished. I haven’t wanted to actually take my own life, but I have felt ready to let it go, I think.
I don’t let it go, however, because I have these two sons who would be left with you know who as their only surviving parent, and who would be sorrowful I know in a damaging way because of all this shit over that past four years. As long as there are children, I keep going.
Has anyone read about this symptom with respect to partners of sex addicts. And am I the only one in the room with her bags packed some days?
I had a thought the other day that if I were to die now, I would feel that I lived a life. Not a long life, not even a complete life, but still…a life. It wouldn’t feel like I had been cheated of a life. That is not to say I wish to end my life, I don’t, but if it were to happen, I can feel more at peace with it now than I could say even 5 years ago. Maybe it’s because living with an SA has totally drained me, maybe it’s because my kids are launched in life, maybe it’s because I’ve no longer have certainty that I will approach old age as a married person, I don’t know. I’m not ready to go, but I wouldn’t feel as though I’d been robbed of a life. I’ve had one- with all it’s twists and turns and bombs.
Diane, I haven’t read anything about this.I was a depressive in my teens and early 20’s so I spent a long time figuring out how not to go down that rabbit hole. I will say this though. There are some days when I wonder what the point of life is? If I worked so hard on my life to be a good person. If I felt like I found a good person to share my life with and I always acted with integrity. And then this is what the result is? And I don’t believe there is some better life after this. Some true love or reward. This life experience doesn’t really even seem to have a lesson. It doesn’t make me walk out of it with a purpose. If I was religious I think it would make me lose faith. As it is I simply feel like I have no control over the cause and effect of my life. I realize what happened had nothing to do with me or my actions. But it still happened to me. This is not going to make me a better person. In fact this is almost the opposite definition of karma. This is chaos in action. Yes I will walk away and life will continue but I am afraid to desire happy. So Diane I get it.
So sad to hear, Diane, but I understand. Admiting, same here. Some days when the only thing keeping me hanging on is the children. Then there are the days when I felt that they’d be better off without me. The family members who would take them are happily married for decades, have children their age, and are emotionally, financially, spiritually, and socially as solid as rocks. The children would get enough money to pay off this house and both go to college easily, from my life insurance.
If I didn’t think their long absent father would rear his ugly head and try to take them away from the family members I chose for them in my will, who knows? But he, even as impossible to find as he is, has partial legal custody and that could either force them into the foster system or get them turned over to him, regardless of my will. The attorney’s said so. Revoking his rights is too expensive. They’d be homeless in no time, if he were to get them. He’s been homeless several times since I left him. Loaded one year, homeless the next, just a loose cannon and outright con.
There are just days when I think, I’m not strong enough. I’m worse for them than no mom at all. But the counselors say otherwise. Since my judgement has been untrustworthy regarding family decisions so many times, I’ll bow to their experience and perspective. I really feel sorry for the children, sometimes, though. Such a crushed and sometimes mentally and emotionally absent mom, unemployed at that, when I had all these starry-eyed visions of raising them in a lifestyle that would nurture all their potential.
For you, Diane, with all the service you bring into so many people’s lives, I could easily answer what use Creator Goddess has for you from here on out. I have asked what more she wants of me, how she thinks I’m capable of anything more when I struggle some days just to get up. I don’t get any answers, just another day when I clearly stated I’d be fine to just drift off, or even pain would be okay. So a new day means start again, and that’s all I can do with it. All we can do is live the day we’re given.
I don’t have any research into the statistics, and haven’t read any either.
Each day you choose to be here, Diane, I am thankful you did. Lots of others are, too.
P.S. Diane, when I first got to my mom and dad’s place my niece gave me a mood ring. I love mood rings they’re fun! I wore it until the plastic part that makes the ring change color came off. All that was left was the black base underneath. I told my niece that ok because I was in a black mood lol.
Diane I often think it would be easier to be dead so you are not alone in your thoughts. I’m surprised you have those feeling Diane and it makes me so sad for you. I don’t think about suiciding these days I just don’t really care if I die. I went to a funeral recently of the most beautiful woman. She was only 48. Incredibly accomplished and so loved by her husband and 12 year old daughter. I really wished it would be possible to swap places. I felt she had more of a reason to live than me .
I remember reading a post on the MTASA site some 3 or 4 years ago about a woman who had breast cancer and had decided to forgo any and all treatment – essentially a death sentence. She considered it her ‘way out’ of life with a SA. At the time I thought that was the most tragic thing I’d ever heard. Some days I wonder…
Diane,
It makes me sad to think you have these thoughts. I have had them too, not now but when everything hit at once and I was so traumatized I just thought this life is too hard and I just wanted to ‘let go’ like you said just to have peace and not to have to mess with ‘life’ anymore. Life is a struggle and I was just worn out from it all.Diane you are such a vibrant woman, smart, funny, very attractive, you have cleavage (you mention it with one of your avatar pics), talented, caring, WISE, creative, and most of all your you. What are you struggling the most with that is getting you down? Please don’t share if you don’t want to.
Love you my sister Diane, Napxoxo
Liza that is tragic. Really tragic.
NAP I agree with your sentiments regarding Diane. Diane I’m more than surprised that you have those thoughts I’m shocked because when I think of all the sisters and where we are all at you seem so ‘together’. Are you just being brave?Yes I have had those thoughts too. When I found out about the hookers and he said he was moving out again, I wished I could die and I have wished that multiple times since then. I would not do it myself because it would crush my mom, and I have 2 cats to protect and take care of. But I don’t see any hope for the future, things keep getting worse and sometimes I don’t know how I can get through another day of the pain.
Well I have always tried to construct meaning out of life and some miseries just mystify me, and I don’t have religion but I do have faith; faith in my own choices. I will live in those until I am not – having said that, what is a few glasses of wine and Ambient but a desire to shut out the pain, if only temporarily? I have been there Diane and like you and others have said, we have children we brought here, our lives are their legacy, someone has to balance out the shit but God it gets old:-(
Yes, I am surprised it’s not more commonly written about. I believe there are partners out there who have suicided. I have nights where I am literally begging God to take me. Pleading and crying to him to please, please end my life — it’s so painful. Then I have moments of distress where I do think about ways I can die.
This thread is quite poignant for me right now. Yesterday I spent all day at the hospital where my grandmother who is 97 has been for 11 weeks. On Monday night she had a massive heart attack and we were with her yesterday because we believed she would die. That kind of heart attack could have taken me out. She had Cheyne-stoke breathing, couldn’t eat or drink etc etc. she would wake occasionally and look around the room and see another familiar face and she would light up and say hello. By last night she was sitting up, eating and drinking. Seriously, you could make a Monty Python skit from her. Her passion for life is admirable yet you would not say her life has been easy. Her first husband died when my mother was 10 and she worked hard to support her. She later married a man who was emotionally abusive. He died about 20 years ago. She has lived alone in her own home right up until she entered hospital. I have been thinking about her all day and how inspirational she is. When a negative thought enters my head I’m trying to be as positive as she is.
Yes Catherine my mother exemplified that and died at 95, 6 weeks before DDay – thankfully…I still want to go to sleep for more than 6 hours sometimes…although I don’t want to die I would like to win the lottery and move to Sydney xo
Sisters, my post was to try and open up some discussion about something that I think is important but maybe kind of “taboo”.
I am not suicidal, but as I said, I have had some bad days when I just thought I was done here—but my sons call me back. Thank you for your love, and I’m sorry if my honesty here is distressing. As part of my own journey on this PTSD nightmare, I have developed a daily routine that starts when i wake up and literally choosing to live out this day no matter what happens. And when something throws me off and I spiral down in a dark place, I tell myself that it will pass. I remind myself that my sons are more important than what is pushing me down. And I say that tomorrow will be better. And I try and notice something beautiful and good every single day and be thankful for it. I find these things really help me pull out of the worst moments.I”m not together, I”m constantly gathering myself up. All day long. That’s kind of my point. It takes a lot of work.
My friend is undergoing chemo right now, and her odds are not good at all. I’m acutely aware that life is precious, so I constantly fight that malaise that tries to tell me its not precious enough to fight for it.
Thank you to the sisters who were able to share some similar experiences of their own. I have this feeling like we have to maybe help each other with coping ideas for this as well as the other stuff. We talk about our depression and our panic attacks and our anxiety and our grief and our sorrow and our rage, But then how our SA’s threaten to kill themselves.
I want partner care to deal with this.
What wonderful inspirational women, Catherine and Meg.
Meg, I am glad you mother was spared the trauma of Dday though I’m sure it would have comforted you to have her with you even if you didn’t share with her directly. What a lot for you to handle at once. So sorry, Meg.
Thank you Lynn – now when I think back on it she would have ripped his eyes out – h is grateful my brother had died the year before because he would have ripped his limbs off – a blind torso can’t whack off to much. But I digress – Diane humor is my coping mechanism, and my new love of vegan food, horse-back riding and meeting amazing women whose husbands mission has been to dip their wick in anything with a pulse – their peckers at least one right woman:-)
Diane I’m sorry about your friend. Thank you for our inspirational strategies for dealing with the bad times. I will try and wake up to those thoughts each day.
I have never to,d my grandmother my story. Prior to d day we would spend a lot of time together but I withdrew from her because I knew she would see my hurt and I didn’t want her to have to worry about me. Now I have a terrible guilt for neglecting our relationship. Just one part of the falloutI have been in this place many, many times in my life. From birth abandoned by my father and left with an absent alcoholic mother to live with my grandparents. Taken from my grandparents to live with alcoholic mother and stepfather. Physically and emotionally abused so badly the state removed me and put me in foster care at age 13. My mother died at 51. Got through high school and lived with an alcoholic for 15 years, got pregnant and figured marrying this asshole would be best for the baby. Divorced him 2 years later and had to fight for my life and my sons life to keep my kiddo safe. The court system failed us both and I went into debt trying to save my son from his father. It did not help, my ex introduced my son to sex, drugs and alcohol at age 11. After completely alienating me from my child, he died from liver failure when my son was 16. I was left to try to put my poor baby back together again. I met my H 2 years after my divorce. Dated 2 years and thought I had asked all the right questions. No drugs or alcohol. Intact family. Educated. Thought porn was immoral and never had any interest in it. 6 years and 3 babies later, caught him masturbating to porn. You know the rest of this sordid tale. Yes, I feel so tired and unable to go on at times. What the hell is it about me???? Why is everything a fucking uphill battle for my sanity and welfare. Am I too fucking stupid and damaged to be able to make at least one fucking good choice in my miserable life. That’s how I feel. I hope it gets better. I go on for my kids. I love them more than anything. I will walk through fire for them just like I did my oldest son. But God I am tired.
diane,
i’m too ptsd ridden tonight to read all the posts. i wanted to die, for 10 or 20 minutes straight. luckily i was performing. or unluckily. i had no choice but to sit throught it. i’ve never experienced anything like it. it was 3 months post d day.
after i played a sweet sweet student of mine was in the venue. i saw her wonderful face and felt her kind aura and wanted to live again. thank god for sweet people.
today i’m in a serious ptsd slump. DW is being an ass. i’m not sure what my course of action is, it is unclear today and tonight. i haven’t felt this unsure for over a year, i think.
i was with my son a lot today. i had to keep telling myself to stay present. not dissociate. i had trouble with simple tasks. paying a simple bill was excruciating. good news is i was able, even in this extreme day, to pull myself back into the present for my son, and even felt happy here and there in the day. better than before.
but i feel on the edge of despair. if i let it in… well i feel like it wouldn’t end, today. so i’m holding it at bay.
i don’t know if this is a helpful post for your thread or not..
i’m glad we have you on our team, diane. xoxo
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