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but sometimes I feel like the things my H has done pales in comparison to a lot of the stories told by other Sisters on this site. Over the thirteen years of our relationship (seven of them married), on D-day I learned he had slept with prostitutes six times. I had discovered red flags along the way (overly flirtatious emails, lunches w single women, FB chats) all of which were minimized. Now that I have filed for divorce, he says everything has “changed.” He wants to recommit himself to our marriage and our family, he’s so filled w shame, there’s so much he wants to tell me, his dreams about growing old together, modeling a forgiving relationship to our small children. I know many of you (as well as Chump lady) say once a cheater always a cheater, but sometimes, and perhaps I’m just too close to this, it just seems like I owe it to my kids to give him another chance? Maybe he really won’t do it again?…
I think we have all asked that same question. Sadly, for me, I’ve asked it more than once. And I’m left with how hard it is to know, and how much more time are you willing to invest? And how will you feel if he does it again? And how will you feel if you don’t give him another chance? I know how seductive the pull is.
Anne I don’t have an answer for you but I do understand the need to put our guy’s behavior into a category of how bad it is. I think for me it was trying to determine if he was a good guy making bad decisions or someone who is truly evil. Because 1. if he’s a good guy he can change and move beyond this and 2. if he’s evil then how can I have not seen him for what he was? And how can this sort of thing exist in the world? One hurt so much and the other scared me. I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle but I will say this, I would have left either way because fidelity is so important for me. But what made me realize that there was no hope for him was the compulsive lying. Anyone who is literally incapable of coming clean about mistakes/choices in their life that were wrong has no hope for changing. And I mean on their own. But that’s how I feel about it.
Anne,
I loved my xh with all my heart. I believed in ‘our’ love and I did give him a chance. I think we mostly do. Then he threw me away and I realized he didn’t really love me at all. How do you ‘throw away’ someone you love. He chose his penis ‘friends’ over me and they can have him. I understand you giving him a chance however stay ‘awake’ because it’s easy to be pulled back into the charade.Well, Anne, let’s do the math… Since you were married, it sounds like Prince Charming has averaged one filthy whore a year (that you know of – BTW, I’d triple that number to be on the safe side). If you decide to give the motherfucker another chance and stay ‘for the kids’ (i.e. give him a couple more years of your precious life) realistically you’ll want to plan on ‘sharing’ your husband with another dozen or so diseased whores (give or take). Better stock up on condoms if you plan on having sex with the freak. Because BET YOUR LIFE he’s NOT using them with his various sluts.
And by the way, Anne…you really shouldn’t use the SAH’s on this site as a point of comparison. They’re totally FUBAR.
Hi Anne,
the comparison game is just going to make you crazy, because most of us don’t know what they really did or didn’t do. It’s that darn lying thing. Even after they are caught, they just keep right on lying about what they’ve done.Of course you are going second guess yourself. It’s a really big decision. And they are so convincing because they believe themselves, they believe they mean what they say. And they do until the next time the dont’ want to believe it.
What about challenging your SAh to achieve sobriety and you will consider a relationship with him. But that you will divorce him to protect yourself and your children from further destructive experiences and financial ruin. Then all he has to do is get sober for two years. If he really wants you and your family life, then he will spend his energy doing that instead of trying to manipulate you back into his nightmare.
IMO
Diane.Anne, you can use his “remorse” to your advantage here. Make him go to minwalla, sign over property, etc. Actions, not words. See how serious he is.
Yep, I wish I had thought to do what March and Diane say to do. Let him do the work while you protect yourself and your kids.
Anne, we all face that choice the first time around. Many of us have lived to regret giving them the benefit of the doubt and have lost years of our lives. I think Diane and March are describing a 3rd option. Give him the chance if you feel you need to, but protect yourself, minimize your losses, put the responsibility on him for healing himself and the relationship rather than on you for “breaking up the family” (which is how they like to characterize it).
I agree. I am still married ( legally) but I took full advantage of that remorseful stuff. I sent his butt to Minwalla. He had a psych test, 2 weeks of intensive therapy, an after care plan and he signed legal papers that gave me all the protection that I could get.
All of your H’s remorse means NOTHING unless his actions are backing it up. And, I’m so sorry, but he is as bad as the rest of them. He has an opportunity to redeem himself as a person ( they all do). Whether he actually does it or not remains a mystery.
Take care of YOU first then see what he does.
Anne,
Alot of us also go through that “he’s not as bad as” phase, too, at first. I think it’s part of our own denial. What you describe sounds just as bad, and you probably only know just the tip of the iceberg. It all sounds pretty textbook from what you are saying.
I thought mine was different too Anne. He wasn’t. It just took a while to get the truth and I am sure that I still do not have the entire truth. I still love him and I believe I always will. I just can’t live with him the way he is. My kids are adults. I stayed because I had no where to go when they were younger. I forgave him, and I began to forget. I was doing what I knew to do to survive. I believed him. I was SO wrong!
“He wants to recommit himself to our marriage and our family, he’s so filled w shame, there’s so much he wants to tell me, his dreams about growing old together, modeling a forgiving relationship to our small children.”
I’d like to model my boot halfway up his cheating ass. Typical Playbook blather. Silly question, Anne, but did you catch him or did he come forward to confess his sins first? Nah, don’t answer, girl, I’m just playin’ with ya 😉
anne, absolutely use this stage to your (and his) advantage.
INSIST upon an intensive with minwalla. INSIST upon a CSAT therapist. step meetings. sponsor. monitors on all computers in the house.and a financial accounting of every penny he spent on this. and he needs to pay you back.
if he acted out in the car. buy a new car for yourself. that he will NEVER drive. if he used the lap top buy a new one for yourself that he will NEVER use. i did those two things, and i’m so glad. they were both safe places for me, it really helped. and now i’m divorcing him and i have my own car and lap top already. 🙂
and i spent the money he gave me (probably half of what he actually spent) on a trip to amsterdam and software and equipment for my work. 🙂
Anne – WAKE UP! (She says lovingly). We’ve all been there so I totally get what your saying but talk is cheap. Of course he SAYS he wants to reconcile but what is he DOING to foster that? Please take a good look at what he does, not what he says. You’ll probably find that it’s all smoke & mirrors.
Christine
“Actions speak louder than words.”
Whom ever first said this must have been the partner of an SA. Don’t listen to anything that comes out of their mouths. It is almost all BS.Yes the platitudes have no substance – mine has been to Minwalla 3 times now – almost 85 hours, goes to meetings 2/week, and an individual therapist (that is decent), 1/week for a year and we are separated and his therapy has nothing to do with whether our marriage survives – it is about whether his humanity can be rescued – there are no words that will demonstrate that only commitment, consequences, and your own willingness to act on your own behalf – the action might take multiple forms but it has to honor your own personhood before his mental masturbation (if you get my drift:-)
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