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Sundays are always the worst days. He shakes his head and insults and takes away things if we don’t go to church. The kids do not want to Go. My GOD gives us free choice. My GOD says use your tonhue to build up not destroy. My GOD says as much as within you live peacably with ALL men. My GOD says a man should love his wife as he loved the church and died for it.
Nevertheless, off I go to be the obedient wife because there will be HELL to pay if I dont.
SOT,
That bully ah h of yours inside is just a little whimpy dumbshit. I wouldn’t go anywhere with that ah and if he became abusive call 911. Let the law handle his sick ass and I hope it scares the shit out of him. He’s a full blown abuser. He’s abusing you and your kids and God doesn’t want that for anyone. Start making a plan sister to save yourself and your kids.Well as I understand it, God is for truth and justice above all. Your asshole sounds like a false prophet and the proverbial whited sepulcher.
OTW to church my son was spewing his usual tripe telling my daughter she is fat and has no friends calling me crazy telling me it is my fault that Erin is the way she is because I am her role model. I kept telling him that was not nice and not Ok but he kept going. So i turned the car around and said Aj you are right I have taught Erin that it is OK to be verbally abused every day of.her life. I came home packed my jeep and huess what? My son stole my keys and hid them. What to do now? I do not have a spare and it has the stupid computer chip in it.
SOT, you cannot let this go with your son. I am so sorry, but I think you need to take a stand for HIS sake as well as your own.
This is what I think I would do in your situation: I would tell your son calmly and quietly that you have done him a great disservice by letting this go on the way it has, and that ends today. I don’t think I would say another word- let him worry about what you might do. Then I would call a friend or a cab and get your things, your daughter and get out of there. Go to the shelter if you have nowhere or go to Church and ask your pastor for help. Whatever you got. I would notify your son’s school and school counselor on Monday. Let them know that you need help with him and why. Be calm and concerned. Take responsibility, be compassionate- your husband is abusive and you failed to protect your son and now he is suffering, he is imitating his father, and he needs help.
I don’t know if any of that is the right thing, but I am throwing it out there bc that’s what comes to mind.
Thanks Teri that is exactly what I told him. I said AJ none of this is your fault. You are repeating what you have been taught. He said mom you never take up for me when dad puts me down. I need to apologize for that. H demands that I not undermine his authority in front of the kids. I have been a coward and living in fear.
SOT you are NOT a coward. Living with a true abuser is a terrifying experience and he has beaten you down and messed with your clarity. Just the same, the situation you describe to all of us is quite drastic and we really think you need to find help for yourself, your son and your daughter. I wouldn’t want to go to a shelter myself. No one does. But is there any family or good friends that would help you get out….just help you make the transition to living somewhere else? I don’t see how you can go on much longer this way as it is hurting both you AND your children. IF you could get a domestic violence charge on file, I think it would really help when you divorce. I know he probably cons everyone into thinking he is great but you have to know that all this is only going to escalate and the problems will multiply.
I called the DV counselor I spoke with Friday. While I was on the phone with her my son gave them back. He said mom I hate you and I hope you never come back. I unloaded that load and a second load before butt head came home from church. He kept asking why I didn’t go. I lied and said I didn’t feel good. He asked why are there no clothes in your closet. I said because I do Not have pride in anything. He asked when I got a unit. I said when you called me the slum lord. He told my son that he couldn’t go hunting next week because we didn’t go to church. He said dad I can’t drive. I think I have about 2 more car loads. I have to take son to bus stop now. I will take some things on this trip.
SOT I pray you maintain your courage and your nerve.
This must stop but the only person who can make it stop is you by removing yourself from the situation. Well done for taking those first steps. XI am so proud of you for mustering up the courage and strength to take action! You are doing the right thing and once you get away from the tornado that is your life right now, it will all be clearer and less foggy. I am and have been praying for you!
Hard, hard times, SOT, but you are doing what is right. Your son gave back the keys. Please keep us updated, so we know you are okay.
Wow SOT he actually forces you guys to go to church? His living such a double life. its all so that he looks good with his family in church, so that if you ever spoke to anyone in church about whats really happening back at the ranch, they will never believe you. And your son has learnt all this behaviour. SOT I feel for you at this time. Its so so challenging.My heart is heavy for you. its bad enough to live with a SAH but its so hard when you are trying to figure them out and the rest of the family is damaged in the process, Im sending you hugs and prayers xxx
SOT,
You’re getting stronger. Youre reaching out to the right people and taking steps forward. I’m glad you turned around from going to church and for telling your son what’s not tolerated by you. Keep true to yourself and don’t compromise your integrity. You don’t owe your ah h any explainations why or what you are doing, believe me, unless he’s a idiot, he knows.OK – all I can think of is that this ass hole has guns at your house? Get away SOT! He is too crazy and you need the clarity that distance will give you. You can come to my place. Just keep moving forward before he goes even further off the deep end to “punish you.” That terrifies me for you.
Thank you sweet sisters and I am truly sorry for unloading all of this on you. It is very hard to deal in isolation. I am safe I am cleaning so he feels like I am being a good wife. I have never made it this far.
Do you have a voice activated recorder of some sort? Getting some of this recorded for proof would help others get the picture and would help you and your kids hear it out of the heat of the moment to remind you why you have to leave.
Don’t apologize for unloading. This is your safe place. Many husbands here are covert abusers but yours is right out there in the privacy of your home. He is VERY SCARY to all of you. You can neuter that SOB by carefully getting out to a safe place and then divorcing to get your HALF. Then you can rebuild you and your childrens sense of worth and expectations of fair play in the world.
I know how scared you are but you are doing it! Keep going. You can make a better life for your family. Love and prayers, Debora
SOT, he’s a SOB.
you make that call tomorrow, sister, make an appointment with a DV counsellor. hopefully you can get someone good, so that you can keep the baby steps going.
play nice, sot. don’t let him know. figure out everything you can before you make any moves. figure out what you want. and how you can get it. don’t worry if it takes time. it took me about 6 months after i knew it was over before i made my move. in those six months i planned very very carefully. i had to do it this way because i was afraid of abuse.
i can’t remember, what kind of stuff is he doing for his ‘recovery’ csat? 12 step?
i’m asking because my husband happens to defer to authority. i use the csat to help me sometimes…
He doesn’t go to any meetings Lisa. He is not like THOSE guys that look at porn.
Deborah I sure wish I was fast enough ti record some of it too.
Even if you call 911, you don’t need to say anything. Just leave the line open. As long as the line is open everything is recorded. If you can interject your address out loud then they will come without delay. An example-“All this time we’ve lived at 210 Maple apt 10 you’ve done nothing but abuse me.”
It keeps them from having to criss cross cell numbers via longitude/latitude and gives them specifics.
If you need help, 911 is literally a call away. If you call and hang up they will call back asking if you need help or is everything ok. If you can’t talk just say yes or no appropriately to their questions.
Man I love this place. I’ve learned so much. Thanks Kimberley. Could the recording be used to help me in some way?
Absolutely!!! Courts use them all the time. Open records requests will get you one. That’s how the news acquire the recordings you see on the news.
Think Trayvon Martin recently, or yrs back Nicole Simpson calling about OJ with him ranting in the background.
More recently, his robbery conviction where there was a 911 call placed when OJ busted in. That helped convict him.
In my state if a partner assaults someone AND they take the phone away while they call or rip it from the wall, I charge them with interfering with 911 communication as well as the assault, if they were assaulted.
I don’t play around with domestic violence. I charge them with EVERYTHING I can legally get away with. I also personally walk protective orders over to the magistrate at jail if the assault is a misdemeanors A or above. I don’t need permission from the victim to do that.
I have to sleep at night.
One officer told me I was his hero by the way I handled domestic disturbances. I told him I don’t know about that but I do have a soft spot for family violence victims.
I grew up with a mom who in these times would’ve been taken to jail for what happened back then had these laws been in place in the 70’s and 80’s.
What kind of smart phone do you have?
I know my situation is slightly different because I don’t live with him anymore. I often fear my SA will snap and kill me when I am alone with him. Not sure if it’s predominately my PTSD, or a rational assessment — at times he’s unpredictable with a lot of rage — I often get these vivid intrusive flash-fowards of him strangling me. On my Samsung phone, I have this built in safety assistance feature where if I hold the volume up and down keys at the same time for 3 seconds, it will send out an emergency text to certain people I pre-program in, declaring an emergency, telling them to call the police, with my GPS location, and it automatically takes/sends photos too.
We meet in public places mostly, although once in a while I will be in his car, or need to go to our apartment. However, it gives me peace of mind that I can call for help without him even knowing, especially if for some reason I can’t call the police myself. I always keep my phone with me when I am around him.
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