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I will try to be succinct…I grew up in a broken home – had a very difficult childhood where I was abandoned by my mother and my father left for another woman leaving me with my grandparents. Dad died when I was 15, and my grandparents whilst I was at uni aged 19. Since then there has just been me. I graduated, got a good job and never relied on anyone for anything. Always stood on my own two feet, travelled the world, bought a property, had relationships but equally I was happy on my own. I never really needed anyone….until…
Six years ago, at work, I met a man. When we first met I wasn’t really that bothered either way. I could take it or leave it. As I got to know him better I realised that our lives had been so similar. he too had come from a broken home, had struggled and moved away and like me was making a success of his life. Over a period of a few months we had talked and talked I thought we really had a connection. Something I had never had with anyone before in my life. I felt a real empathy with him. I understood him and felt he understood me more than anyone I had ever met. after a few months of this I thought we were happy. he was suggesting plans for the future, involving me in his life, in everything. Then suddenly things changed. I felt winded. He was in the shower and had left his phone charging in the bedroom where I was getting ready to go out. A text flashed on the screen and it was a picture of another womans vagina. I was shocked, just horrified, I didn’t understand…I confronted him about this – he said it was something he had been doing for years, that he was contacting woman on line, ‘playing games’ with them to see how far they were willing to go, that it was all about control….that it wasn’t a reflection on me. That he was falling for me and he was embarrassed about this problem and that he was trying to stop. Because I had a difficult past too I tried to understand, tried to help him. In day to day life with me he was kind and good and this problem was something we could deal with together….then one day he went out on a works do (by then we were pretty much living together) he didn’t come home, text me to say he was happy, but drunk and was staying out and would be back the next day….he came back the next day. it was fine. A few days later one of my colleagues told me he had been with someone else, he denied it, said she was a liar but I didn’t believe him. I pushed for the truth, eventually he told me he had kissed someone else, that it meant nothing. that he was flattered, but then felt guilty and assured me it would never happen again. I am convinced now it was more than that. I was so hurt, so degraded and I had to work with this other woman. I said nothing to her as I didn’t want to humiliate myself by telling her I was actually in a relationship with this guy….she had no idea. He then went to Greece for a week, during that time I know he contacted this woman as she mentioned it at work, he of course said that he didn’t want any awkwardness as he had to work with her! So he sent her messages, again I feel such an idiot for believing him.
I became so paranoid. He continued to send messages on line, I would use my (our) computer and hack his email, facebook, anything….I would see conversations with other women over and over again….yet I wouldn’t leave. He would say that he only did it because he was unhappy, because I was checking on him, that he had no privacy, that I was ‘spying’ on him….to be honest I know what I was doing was wrong but by then I was so in love that I just wanted him to stop. still he didn’t leave me. I would get silent treatment…I would help him with work things, washng, cleaning, shopping, cooking – keeping house, I just wanted him to see how I was a good person and to stop treating me badly. He would go out sometimes (maybe once a week) after work and I would find myself anxious as I had seen these messages and was paranoid and so unhappy. I just desperately wanted him to stop. he would go out and not come home. I would text him late at night to say I was going to bed and that to ask him to let me know if he was coming back or not. he never did. He would text me the next day to say that he didn’t understand what the big deal was that he was just out after work, drank too much and that I should trust him. I would lie awake all night often crying not really understanding why this man could treat me like that. I guess I had built a life in my head. like it was me and him against the world. this continued for the rest of our relationship and things got so desperate for me that one night I drove to the pub where he was at around midnight and text him I was there outside to take him home. I couldn’t believe that I had done that. there he was sitting with a group of women from work, including the one he had first cheated on me with….he got in the car. Agrued with me all the way home saying that my behaviour was awful that I had followed him aroundt and that I ought to be ashamed. he was drunk and when we got to the house he started packing a bag to leave. I tried to snatch ti from him trying to stop him from leaving that he headbutted me – dislocating my tooth and then pushed me so hard that I almost flew across the room, smacking me head on the wardrobe, almost knocking me out. then he came to his senses, apologising to me saying I ought to call the police and get him arrested. I didn’t. I told him it was my fault and that I pushed him into it by getting between him and the door. Our sex life became non existent. He blamed me for not being sexual enough, how could I be when he was doing that?
Christmas eve I went to work. When I got home he was gone, and had taken all his things with him. I was devastated, panicked and alone. I had spent Christmases alone before but nothing could console me. He text me on Christmas day to wish me merry Christmas and to say he was sorry but he felt he had little choice but to leave me. That I was making him miserable. when I tried to talk to him he told me that he said ;’leave me alone you are ruining my Christmas’. I was so hurt. alone, just devastated. That day I sat alone on my kitchen floor contemplating ending my own life. I was desperate. He said I should move on with my life, move away from his and if I ever told anyone what happened he would take me to court for slander (we are both nurses and that would destroy my career).
slowly I have rebuilt myself. contacted a few old friends – told them some of what happened – not all. Tried to make sense of everything. I have thrown myself into work. sometimes using all my energy just to put one foot in front of the other.
He has contacted me many times since. Firstly to ask me for 3000 he gave me (for furniture) – I gave it back. Then to repeatedly tell me that we are not getting back together. more recently I think he is seeing someone else. I wont go into detail but I am pretty sure – some things are more than a coincidence. he denies it, saying ‘why wont you believe me?’, why would I lie?’, ‘you are just paranoid – just like the old days’……I am so hurt. so betrayed….but more than anything so angry with myself for allowing this to happen, for being so weak, for not walking away.
please help, can you tell me in your opinion is it all my fault? did I somehow deserve to be treated like that? why did I stay around when the behaviour was so awful? only to be left when it was convenient to him….how do I put it all behind me and move on?? Is this just sex addict behaviour or something more? I know most of you are married and have children and my problem may seem superficial and silly, but please help me to understand?
thanks all
Donna,
First of all, I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. Your situation is not superficial or silly. We are all in the same boat just with different circumstances. I can’t answer your questions but I can tell you that none of this is your fault.
I would advise you to find a therapist that specializes in trauma. A therapist will not only help you with how you feel right now but also will help you to understand your childhood and deal with the emotions related to that as well.
I beg you to let this guy go. Cut off all contact with him. It’s just not worth it. Move on with your life and try to forget he ever happened.
My other piece of advice is to make an appointment with your regular medical doctor and ask for a prescription for an anti-depressant. These meds will help you think more clearly and find hope for your life. You won’t be on them for life, just as long as you need them.
Much love, Claire
Donna, I think you should do EVERYTHING that Claire just said Sweetheart. His abuse of you is not your fault and what he was doing is definitely abuse. therapy will help you to see the connection between your childhood and the fact that you felt unable to get out of a relationship that was hurting you so much.
As to your boyfriend- piece of shit that he is- you are SO LUCKY he has left you and I pray he is with someone else because you have narrowly escaped a very painful future and his current sex partner may not be so lucky. Let him go and find the support you need to heal. If you do that and put all your energy into yourself- the next man you meet and choose will be the one that you actually deserve. You feel like you have suffered a huge loss but in truth, he may have saved your life by leaving. It is up to you to decide how to use the new start you have been given? Start by going completely NO CONTACT and keep it up no matter how hard you find it. Do not read or answer his texts or emails and under no circumstances talk to him or interact with him on any level. If you do that, in a very short time you will feel much better about everything.
I am very sorry that he hurt you so. Hugs, KarenHi Donna,
sorry for what you are going through, its awful, yes it is, but it will get better. As Claire recommended, find a good therapist, block him from emails and calls, you certainly don’t need any more of his dark cloud. He is manipulative and keeping in contact with you is his little way of controlling you. Its not your job to figure him out, screw him, figure yourself out. For me, a good therapist has helped me to understand why I accepted completely unacceptable behavior, (apparently I was “taught” this as a child, very clear to me now) so with that knowledge I’m working on myself so I will never allow abuse again. Get pissed! That fucking low life bastard asshole! Anger is empowering, depression depleting.A lot of good information here at SOS. Check out Chumplady, link below. You are on your way Donna, don’t beat yourself up about why you stayed, move forward. Take gentle and loving care of your deserving self. Be proactive and your life will get better. Big Hugs, Francine
http://chumplady.com/2012/06/untangling-the-skein-of-fuckupedness/
Donna, i am so sorry to hear about your pain. i could relate to a lot of what you said in your post and how utterly confusing and devastating it is. it is confusing because you got so many mixed messages. HE pursued YOU. HE said he wanted to stop. at various times he turned around and blamed you for his behavior. he accused you of being paranoid, insecure, not trusting him. he tried to convince you that your lack of trust was causing the problems in the relationship. this is called blameshifting. his blameshifting made you question your own reality and wonder if he was right, and more importantly, whether you were wrong. this is called “gaslighting”. This is how they manipulate us and keep us questioning our own reality, and thinking we would be wrong to leave, we are wrong to even wonder. We start to wonder what is real and if we are crazy. we love them, we want their approval and validation. then HE left YOU? after all you tried to overlook, forgive, and put up with? you are not crazy or weak. but you were in a weak position, because when the person we love lies to us, gaslights and manipulates us, we are confused. we end up in a very disoriented place. sometimes we stay in part because we are trying to make sense of it. be gentle with yourself.
you are not responsible for his actions and your choices. you never were. he did what he did.you can try to understand it, but don’t go too far down that rabbit hole. it is over. now work on being the best YOU. i know how much this hurts. i am in that place too. i was also not married to my SA and did not have kids with him. it makes the logistics easier, and means we have more freedom to take care of ourselves, but i don’t think it makes the pain any less.
he has fucked with you. it’s okay to try to process it, grieve the loss, and heal from it, but it’s even more important that you focus on YOU.
work on forgiving you.
go no contact.
get a therapist or counselor. you need to work on the anger with yourself, the humiliation, the shame. that stuff is toxic and will keep you in a dark place. with help you can work on that. that is the healing. it is NOT your fault you loved him. it is not your fault you believed him. maybe there are some core beliefs about yourself or the world that you need to work on, with support.
write down some of the things you have always wanted to do. start doing them. even if you don’t feel motivated to right now.
get some exercise, even just a walk for fresh air. even if you don’t want to.
keep sharing and talking and reaching out for support.
we are here for you.The motherfucker headbutted you?? WTF?? Hell, I have 2 Black Belts and am working on a third. I reserve the headbutt for ‘life or death’ scenarios. Count your blessings, Sistah. He’s a fucking sociopath.
Artemis is right on with her advice.
And he contacted you to tell you that you aren’t getting back together? What is that all about? He sounds like a jerk. Count yourself lucky that you don’t have kids with him. I know it hurts and it sucks and it will take time to get over. He treated you terribly. But you can make a clean break, heal yourself and have a great life. He isn’t worth another minute of your life.
The pain you are in is real, the grief over the loss is real, but he was NOT real with you. Whatever you built with that guy, would have to be rebuilt over and over again because he would always tear it down. Save yourself the trouble. Don’t play into his traps, let him go and say good riddance. I agree with the other sisters.
Give your energy to yourself, from now on. Bev had a saying that applies in this scenario “you could swing a cat in a bar and anyone you hit would be a better catch than him.” Not suggesting swinging cats at drinkers, there are even BETTER ways to meet people who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Start with treating yourself with respect and kindness and never speak to that jerk again.
Dear all
I have just returned home from night duty – thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have read many of your other posts and topics and would just like to say what an absolute inspiration you all are.
I have been seeing a counsellor since he left. I dealt with my childhood issues in therapy long ago but really didnt see the correlationbetween that and the mess I found myself in. Until recently, that is. He knew my past and never took that into consideration. I have some objectivity at last but find it inconceivable that he would treat. Me the way he did and whats more that I let him. I managed to get so deeply embroiled in it that I couldn’t see anything other than my determination to be better as he twisted everything around to be my fault. I wasted 6 years of my life with this guy, and for what? I hit my lowest point ever. I didn’t tell anyone what he was doing at the. Time because I felt so thoroughly humiliated, instead I cut myself off and steadily tried to ‘fix things’. I genuinely believe now that he played me all along. I believe now that this is more than just SA…..I think it likely that the SA is merely one facet of a very warped character. Now I pity him. I don’t think he will ever change. Sadly. He has many good qualities too…..however I’m not sure how. Much of those are a mask, superficially hiding what lies beneath. I cycle to and from work, I am now going out on occasion and no longer feel so alone. It’s a hard process and I’m not sure how much I trust anyone anymore. That’s what he has left me with, doubting myself and the integrity of those around me. I am applying for med school this year (at the age of 37). I’ll show the bastard…..
Thanks all again.
D x
that’s the spirit donna. waking up from an abusive nightmare is so difficult and painful. the sisters gave good advice. i would also say – absolutely no contact with him. at all. it is the only way to deal with an abusive sociopath. and you don’t have children with him, so you have that option. take it.
and you are young, younger than most of us i think. there will be time for you to heal, build a new life. begin to trust yourself again. because that is who you should trust honey. as you get stronger, you will see that all hope lies in you. and that you don’t need to worry about trusting others, but can find strength in knowing that no matter what happens, you can trust yourself to look after yourself. listen to your gut, feel your feelings. let them pass through you. wade through the grief. getting through this is a process. let us go there with you. xo
Donna,
I don’t know if this applies in your case, but I will share my experience in case it helps you. I had a rough childhood (not as rough as yours) and I did a good deal of individual therapy to figure myself out. I think it was great in helping me figure out how to deal with my issues, but it also left me vulnerable to people who wolves in sheep’s clothing (George Simon has a great book about this, “Character Disturbances”). I was so used to looking at myself that I didn’t really learn that sometimes the problem is someone else and that it is okay to demand better treatment or get rid of them. In therapy, the emphasis is trying to fix every situation by “fixing” yourself, and sometimes that just doesn’t work because you aren’t the one that needs fixing. I had to learn a whole new skill set for dealing with unhealthy people, and I did not learn it in therapy. Not that therapy is a bad thing. I see a great therapist every week. I think many of the skills you learn are great if you are dealing with a normal person. With someone who has a character disturbance or who is manipulative, those skills can make you even more vulnerable.
Thanks.
Yes Teri, I agree with you wholeheartedly.
I am stronger than I was but I still go over and over with things in my mind…..questions which make little sense, such as ‘why was I not enough?’, ‘why could he not treat me as a human being’, ‘was I really so demanding asking him to tell me if he wasn’t coming home?’. I know deep down that I am right and that the problem lies not with me but with him….sadly when you have spent your whole life as I have blaming yourself its sometimes very hard to get the clarity…..
I thought that he genuinely cared about me, the way in which I was discarded shows me it’s not. I tried to talk to him but he just displayed anger towards me, like I was a burden….even threatened to call the police. All I wanted was to have a conversation with him, all he wanted was 3 thousand pounds. He finally stopped corresponding with me once he had that. Artemis, you are absolutely right, I sacrificed and empathised with him far too much. It was a sham. It’s just so hard to leave it in the past. I sometimes wonder if he is now being the person I wanted him to be but with someone else. I know that is unlikely but when you have grown up as I did its very hard to not think that…..Also, I feel really guilty for looking through his emails, Facebook (and on the odd occasion) his phone – when it wasn’t on silent in his pocket. I believe he used that guilt as he repeatedly said….’I only do it to see if you are watching me’, and ‘stop spying on me poirot’ and perhaps things will get better….and his favourite ‘I’m not coming home to be ‘ordered’ around and told what to do. In his last email to me he said that I had invaded his privacy by spying on him, and that from that point on he would never trust me. And that if I hadn’t tried to control that behaviour in him that he would not ‘have continued on that path’. I have spent many months now blaming myself…..to many if only I had stopped looking he would have stopped. Do you think that was just part of the manipulation? Or do you think there is some truth in what he says?
Thanks
I’m sorry Donna and I do not mean to be harsh but do you actually hear yourself?
I do not particularly want random people looking thru my phone, etc. BUT if anyone did then they wouldn’t find anything incrimination BECAUSE I have not done anything I am ashamed of or trying to hide. I protect my electronics because I do not want my husband or children to be able to see any SOS stuff.
I can’t IMAGINE what kind of sick fuck it would take to purposefully put hurtful things on their phone just so their significant other would find them. That’s just twisted and crazy.
Your BF is a nut. I’m very sorry but he is. I realize that you need some help to get over the whole thing and we are here for you but he is beyond help. It is not normal in any circumstance for a sane adult to behave as he has. Sane people do not do crazy things because of someone else’s actions. If he was sane and he did not like your behavior then he would have simply broken up with you and moved on about his business.
Re Read what you wrote about him.
” A text flashed on the screen and it was a picture of another womans vagina. I was shocked, just horrified, I didn’t understand…I confronted him about this – he said it was something he had been doing for years, that he was contacting woman on line, ‘playing games’ with them to see how far they were willing to go, that it was all about control….”
Does that really sound like someone that you would like to build a life with? Nope, not even close. He is a sick puppy and you are well rid of him. Forget him and start focusing on you. You are young and have a whole wonderful life ahead of you. Crawl out of the swamp and never go back in 🙂
Thanks bev. It’s just tough to believe particularly as he promised repeatedly to get help…..but said it was embarrassing. I know his past and I think that is why I made so many allowances. He managed to twist everything around so that I felt it was all my fault..,.that if only I could stop looking he would stop. It was crazy. Part of me sees that now but part of me still feels if only I had done something different, if only I had stopped looking. I couldn’t just stop, I couldn’t stop looking as I was fearful of what he was doing behind my back. In the end he sent me many emails but one in particular stands out – he said ‘ I realise now we cannot change the past enough to build a new future’. All I wanted was for him to get help and be committed to that. Sadly he couldn’t. I think I reacted as any woman would…..except I didn’t kick him out, instead I helped him with his work, cooked cleaned…..and worked. Overtime to pay our bills. I now feel used and degraded whilst he goes on his merry way unscathed by everything. I. Wish I had the heart to tell his. Friends what he is really like……but I would just come across as crazy and bitter. Yes I probably am those things. I trust in karma instead to exert its force…..
My good friend said to me It’s not why I put up with it but how…..think that’s really the issue. I wish I had spoken to them before as they may have been able to help me see the reality of my life with him…..and then at least I could have left instead of believing his lies and empty promises of change.
After we broke up I asked him about the messages and why he continued to send them. The reply I received was ‘ I have never blamed you. If you hadn’t tried to control that behaviour in me I would not have continued on that path. Your need to control the behaviour in me reinforced my desire to continue. I will not be told what to do. You know this. I continued because I was bored, unhappy and trapped. Because you told me I couldn’t. I did it for those reasons but mostly because you told me to stop.’ That to me now pretty much sums up our relationship. The sacrifices and help I gave meant nothing to him clearly. I have spent too long now blaming myself. It’s really hard though. I know to many of you it may seem trivial but to me it meant everything. I have always had to rely on myself and when he left I was and in some ways continue to be so messed up I don’t even have that anymore.
Donna – your SA sounds so much like mine did before he hit bottom. He was constantly blaming me for HIS cheating because i went through his phone one time 3 years ago when i thought we was acting weird and i had just found out i was pregnant. After more than a year of “sobriety” he has worked on this and opened up a lot more but still has resentment about sharing information and his privacy being “violated”. i had access to all his info and the more he opened up, the less i felt the need to check. but the underlying need to protect his independence, privacy, separateness – can you say intimacy issues, anyone? never went away. he was sober for over a year when our relationship ended but this is exactly part of the reason it ended. those are dysfunctional ways of relating to someone you are trying to build a life with and especially when there have been such egregious violations in the past. he needed to be an open book.
that is how our relationship finally ended. i went through his phone without his permission, asked him about some female who had texted him late at night, and he refused to answer. turns out it was actually a legit communication but the bottom line is, it was more important to him to be “right” and not give in to what he perceived as an “unreasonable demand” than to put my mind at ease. it’s not like it was irrational for me to ask after everything that has happened in the past. that is not caring behavior geared towards deepening intimacy in the relationship. then i flew off the chain and hit him. it is the third time i have physically attacked him. the last time was over a year ago. i feel terrible and ashamed about that part, but not about going through his phone or asking. now he has cut me off completely and i’m sure in the long run i will be better for it. i have been thinking about it, and it’s awful that his need to be right was so blinding he could not even see my need for reassurance after everything that has happened. our stories are parallel in many ways. i know how much this sucks. i am sorry.Donna, also, read this:
http://www.thegloss.com/2012/04/19/sex-and-dating/women-crazy-334/Artemis, are you sure we were not going out with the same guy?! Thanks so. Much for your input. It’s really hard to see how in control and in denial he was. He could never see things from my perspective, no matter how hard I tried. I was repeatedly accused of ‘spying’, my shame I had because I knew that looking at someone else’s stuff was wrong but my only other option would be to stop looking and that to me was a non- option, if that makes any sense. There were times too that I was so exasperated that I wanted to beat him to death….the stonewalling, the contempt, the snide remarks, the empty promises….the switching, the blame shifting was crazy…..so I don’t blame you for lashing out. I probably would have done the same if I had the fight left in me. When he left I was so messed up I took responsibility for everything….I had a mantra ‘if only I had stopped looking he would have stopped’ on repeat in my brain and I could focus on little else. I found myself apologising for things which were not my fault….such as seeing yet another penis shot to some random woman on Facebook, or graphic descriptions he had written to other woman, even the dating profiles he set up , which apparently was ‘Someone else’ trying to get one over on him. I put up with far too much for too long. I know I must take responsibility for my actions but I was made to feel so ashamed for looking (spying) that I blamed myself entirely and instead tried to be everything. He wanted me to be, but to no avail. And at the cost of my sanity, almost…. How are you doing Artemis? Sounds vile……here if I can help, you guys are such a great bunch of women, thank you all.
Dear Donna,
For what it is worth I agree strongly with Teri. Those who have bad childhoods would do well to examine the way it may impact their patterns as adults. That is healthy self reflection and I think it is a very good idea. Sometimes we can discover we are reliving a childhood relationship in our adult relationships BUT sometimes it DOES NOT mean that. Sometimes we and other people are unfortunate enough to meet a predator. That has NOTHING to do with your childhood as both those with poor childhoods and those with rich childhoods, can be taken in by the right kind of hunter. I implore you to read Dr Simon’s “A Wolf in Sheeps’s Clothing. You will see the man you are grieving ALL throughout the
book. NONE of this is your fault and had nothing to do with you. Like all good hunters, he studied you and learned the right buttons to push. He is character disordered and a flawed human being. I PROMISE he is NOT being the man you hoped he would be with someone else. ANY woman he gets involved with will get exactly what you got….and she will keep it secret too, because he will convince her, SHE is the problem. My best friend had a wonderful childhood. One night her husband left his computer page open by mistake. When she looked (because he was spending every night in the basement watching tv until the wee hours of the morning) she found reams and reams of pornography. When she confronted him, how do you think he responded? He said and I quote “That is it. I am done. I cannot live with someone who doesn’t trust me.”and then walked off. When she got up to go to work the next morning, there was a note from him asking her for money so he could leave. She gave him the money and arrived home from work to find he had packed up most of his things. He was pulling out of the driveway as she pulled in. He waved at her. I kid you not. Donna, these men are bat shit crazy and you are so well rid of him. It hurts so bad because you could not get out when you should have and you couldn’t get out because you were being manipulated by a master. I assure you he has NO good qualities and simply puts on a good show when he wants people to believe he is a sheep instead of a wolf. Do not beat yourself up. Recovering from an encounter with a sociopath is a very difficult process but you will get better the longer you have NO CONTACT with him. He is a monster. Trust me.Hugs, karen
For what it’s worth, I would just like to congratulate you, Donna, for all the steps you are taking to value your own life and believe in your offering to this world. Thank you so much for working towards med school—what an incredible difference you will make in so many people’s lives as you combine training, knowledge, compassion into good patient care. We believe in that, too. It will be a long journey through school but you are going to make it.
As far as wondering whether he’s off with someone else being the man you always dreamed he could be—NO, he’s not. He’s not interested in working through and rising above the worst experiences in his life. He’s interested in whatever flashes through his little pea brain that makes his penis feel good. So let’s just call it like it is. He’s still looking at strange women’s vaginas on his phone, he’s still lying about what he’s doing, he’s still a man who beats up women, and to top it off, he’s a cheap SOB.
As they saying goes,—when people show you who they are, you ought to believe them.
He showed you who he is. Stop pretending he’s someone else. You, on the other hand are showing us who you are, and it’s the stuff of which a real life is made.Thanks for reaching out, for being honest, for working away on better things. That takes courage and determination. You are going to make it.
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