- This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hi Ladies,
So I just can’t seem to accept my life situation. I am struggling so much feeling controlled in so many ways and worried for my son.
When I was pregnant (call me naive) but I thought his father was done with me. I was stupid to keep asking him to go to therapy- I kept telling him I needed to make a descion about adoption, parenting etc. At this point I was still in the abusive situation and wash;t fully seeing it. He kicked me out when pregnant and was very mean and started dating other women but I kept begging him to go to therapy. I just had no idea he was going to want half custody and take our son like this. I paid for a home birth and have only received $900 from him since my son has been born- he is now almost 15 months. He is saying he isn’t working and because he falls under the poverty line won’t have to pay more than $100 a month- so I decided to accept help from the state for $236 a month instead.
Anyhow sorry to be rambling but I had no idea an abusive man who wanted to be polyamorous and have my son in that environment would do this. Had I known I was not going to be able to move out of state, co parent with an abuser/rapist and live like this maybe I would have allowed a family member to adopt my son or a close friend. I just think we are in a terrible situation and I can’t accept it ladies.
I can’t stop going back in my head and saying things like ” I should have left” “why was I so stupid” “how did this happen”
It’s like I am so stuck.Can anything help with the acceptance? A part of me feels so unhappy as a mother if I am honest. And yet I love my son to death and would do anything for him. It’s just so very hard.
I wish I would have known what I was dealing with when I was in the relationship. I started to but had no idea it had a name (sex addiction) or that he was abusive. I just didn’t think people could act like this. I was so naive.
Anyway I need help accepting and getting over my anger and guilt. I am angry the law is able to help me, to protect us and allow us some freedom.
Do any of you struggle with this? What do you do? Are you happy and peaceful inside? I don’t feel peaceful. I wish I could just tun away with my son but I can’t.
I know that feeling well. I left my alcoholic drug abusing x and hadto comply with 50% visitation. It was very hard. The only consolation is you can give him a good stable living mom. That will be worth gold to him as he gets older. You can be his rock to hold on to and his soft place to fall when he needs you. Also most states allow kids at 12 to decide who they want to live with. It’s a tough situation am, but having been where you are and looking back, you will be surprised how fast the time goes. You are feeling trapped. Me too for almost the same reasons. You just be the best mom you can be. Don’t engage in warfare with the as whole dad. It will backfire on you. Hope this helps. Just one day at a time am. Hang in there. You are not alone.
It’s normal to do the second guessing and “what if” game when you encounter abuse. It’s a struggle to find SOMETHING, anything, you feel you had control over and so then can potentially do differently in the future to protect yourself and your son in the future.
However…
These men do not lay their cards out on the table, so trying to play to win is hellishly hard. So, all you can do is make life for you, in your space and your son’s, the best it can possibly be. If he gets 50/50 custody, or whatever, it always, always, always works in your and the child’s favor if you focus on just that. Make your life work for the two of you. As a new mom, with understandable concerns for your son, that will be hard. Maybe think of your energy as the most valuable thing in your and your son’s lives. Value it so highly that spending it on that man will have to have incredible actual payoff for you to consider even thinking of him. You will think of him. Don’t beat yourself up. Just change the “channel” as quickly as possible and visualize your son, happy with you.
Daisy and the sisters who have done this legal battle can guide on that. But you do need an attorney, I’d think.
Alice, I will bet money that your ex will lose interest soon. Document everything he does. If you get a final custody ruling and he does not comply then you can petition the court to let you move where you have more support and a better extended family for your son.
Hang in there. Being a young mother is so difficult under the most ideal circumstances. I know you didn’t plan on this but now you have to focus on you and your son and make the best of it.
Are there any “mommy” groups in your area? It helps to find other women doing the same stuff. Even a local YMCA that has a baby swim class or a baby gym play time or something? Don’t isolate. Young mothers need to get out and have some adult company too 🙂
Funny you brought up the Y! We are joining tmwr actually 🙂 I new one just opened up down the street from me- it’s beautiful! I can also exercise there ( they have a babysitter) and my son and I can do some fun classes together. I am trying to meet more mom’s too. But I don’t usually share about my situation- most mom’s I know are in happy marriages and life situations.
Thanks Lynne for the suggestion- I need to stop thinking about him. We have a pre trial hearing next wens- so it’s on my mind. And after having him follow me at the grocery store I guess I started to get wrapped up in my past again.
It’s hard with the ptsd- It’s tough to move on. I wish to hell I left this asshole and was in a different situation- but then I wouldn’t have my son and he wouldn’t be here so I have to focus on the good.
Feeling controlled by an abuser is a scary feeling though. It’s such a trigger for me. I cannot co- parent with this man and I really hope these professionals- (custody evaluators) psychologist and others see the truth in all of this.
Anyway I guess I hope for my sons sake his father can atleast get it together for my son and that I can detach from his father in order to heal- it wouldn’t be good for my son to see me upset and as it is right now I just couldn’t be around his father. My heart pounds and I am literally scared of the man.
My poor little guy though- this situation is a freakin nightmare. I think I am still in shock!
But I’m trying. Just been struggling with depression lately too and exhaustion. I have a lawyer and will start therapy again ( thank god) so hopefully little by little things will get better.
I’m so sorry alicemarie. I feel for you. I’m sorry you live in fear of your former SA. That has to be incredibly stressful. You’re doing the right thing by keeping your cool and engaging with him as little as possible. Your son will grow to understand that you are a solid, dependable and loving mother. I think kids know implicitly who they can depend on and who they cannot.
I have a tendency to put myself down, which was really exacerbated by the SA discovery. Wellbutrin has helped me tremendously. I always said I would never take antidepressants. I cried and cried when the Dr. recommended it, but I’ve found that they’ve given me the ability to cope with a situation that is not easily fixable. Maybe consider meds to help you through?
Enjoy your little guy, and know that you will be a guiding light in his life.
Big HugWith time and work you can learn to redirect your thoughts to things that you love, and are looking forward to. It sure doesn’t happen overnight, but it will happen.
Thanks Ladies 🙂
I am so grateful for your advice, kindness and encouragement.
I may try meds- I am still nursing though? So that’s been a tough one to decide- I also am on the natural side- I had a natural birth and do organic and all of that.
But I figure I should be open to it.Lynne- I am really trying to make an effort to change. Change my thoughts and learn to live again and stop getting wrapped up in the fear and trauma- it’s so hard. Ptsd can leave you feeling stuck, can’t it?
Anyway I am making a daily effort here! Joining the ymca, making new friends, caring for myself, and started a music class with my little guy!
🙂
I think you have it right AM. We have to nuture ourselves and keep busy with doing the things we enjoy. I started walking daily a few weeks ago and boy it’s better than my meds!!! (I’m only on 2). So it’s good you are taking good care of yourself. I think too it helps to not look in the rear view mirror and keep our focus on the windshield to our lives ahead.
alice,
i didn’t read all the posts. i think it is good for all of use to learn to go easy on ourselves. to be kind and forgiving of ourselves. we did the best we could with what we knew. now we know more and we are doing better. makes sense if you think about it…
Alice I am sorry you have to go thru this. My children were 2,3 and 5 and the time and I would stare out the window for hours waiting for him to come back to hurt us. He is (now confirmed pedofile) and still tries to control us(11 yr later).
A wise therapist said imagine the the worst that he could do to you and your boys, now move on……after I thought really hard about it I realized I did not fear him after that.
The sisters are right, get out there and meet other Moms, join the Y it will give you strength. Through all he court precedings etc to get protection order for my boys, I was told to imagine my three little boys sitting in the court room – and a room full of all the love and support of Sisters like us…. You are no longer alone. It was amazing where the inner strength came, from, especially when it came to protecting my children. These boys are now bigger then me and their Dad, and they are figuring out what kind of jerk he is…. I really don’t have to say much- except protect themselves from his sexual and verbal abuse. ((Hugs)) and love to you and your little one. Don’t let you SA steal anymore of your valuable time or energy away from you angel…..light and love
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.